What's goin' on... what's goin on

It's been a while since I've sat down and had some time to sort thoughts with you all. Here's what's going on in my little world. I guess in times like these, when things are filled with an air of calm I don't feel as much of a need to sift through thoughts.

Rest assured despite some set backs as life will inevitably always have a few in the way I'm doing pretty good. Working on moving. Recovered from sickness and I'll probably start getting ready to chat with a few of you once I get done clickety-clacking at the keyboard.

Home life has leveled out a bit... not saying things have changed much but my perception has changed. I think to myself I can be stressed about this or move on. Things have certainly been worst. I've been in some pretty sketch living situations and this is NOT one of those. I do feel safe (mostly) and that my things are safe save people using things w/out permission. The infractions are so minor that it isn't quite worth getting peeved about entirely.

I've missed a few shoots due to sickness (sadly). I want to be able to do it all but physically I'm no spring chicken who can run around on all cylinders for very long before my health tells me to sit the fuck down. I need to learn how to rest properly. To help with this I've been allocating computer usage time though all this has done is made me look for work in an uncomfortable way via cell phone lol. Perhaps I should allocate phone usage time as well?

I went out dancing for the first time in a long while. It takes me a while to feel the music at  a level where I'm moving freely and feeling nothing but the energy of the moment. I think part of me lives for those times. Modeling and dancing does something wonderful for me mentally and physically... perhaps spiritually? It's one of the few times I feel in tune and connected with a mass quantity of people that I'd otherwise feel very disjointed from.

Speaking of spirituality... I had someone ask about my religious beliefs. This is not a subject I'm comfortable discussing with any old person. I'm not sure what their angle was per say but a series of random questions or actions that I wasn't OK with was met with "I'm not nice, or I'm mean" which left me annoyed and confused. If a person tells me they aren't comfortable with having a certain topic of discussion I drop it... I NEVER want to make someone feel discomfort nor can I force this comfort to the forefront. I wouldn't want to do that anyway. I might not be "nice" but I did quite  a bit of tongue biting and word holding b/c of this and other questions. My honesty can be biting and I didn't want to cause offence where there was no need for it either... for this I'm a bit proud as younger me would've went off on many ranty rants... save this I suppose.

If my body tells me to not be comfortable with you on that level (which is a pretty deep level) I listen. There are reasons why and you should listen to what your instincts tell you as well. Perhaps  there are motives there that are not obvious to me that I need to shelter myself from. Perhaps you're not trust worthy, and rest assured if you have a penis for the most part we will not get past a certain level of comfort UNLESS we're dating. I'm sure there are valid reasons for that as well.

I'm a sensitive person when it comes to those immediately in my life so I do keep most people out of that area. If you're overly negative or constantly talking about other people in a negative light it also makes me raise eyebrows. Not to say that I assume I'm the topic of discussion when not around nor do I care but that sort of talk does nothing to improve the quality of my existence. Negativity doesn't make me feel better on a grand scale... it needs to be dispersed and released so positive energy can take over but constant focus on what one doesn't have or putting self on pedestal when we are all fucked in some way repels me like two magnets.

I have a shoot this weekend (which hopefully will not be disrupted by some high calamity. I really do want to shoot with this person again) after that I'm going to switch my focus up until I've settled moving and such.

I'm excited that SUMMERSLAM is fucking coming up really soon!! I hope I can go this year and I really want to look into getting tickets to the raw that Monday before it (I think it's going to be in Anaheim though I'm not sure) Wasteland weekend is also coming up and I'm very unsure if I'll be able to go this year. Met some really kind people out there last time so I hope that I will be able to go though the adult in me says to take care of business first... fun time will be there when you're ready.

Lots of comics to be read, some games to be practiced at my leisure and friends to bother at random times with hugs and pallets of bacon.

Life is pretty good... :)

by Jimmy P

Full set is available on Zivity and will soon be available for download via Extra Lunch Money and Images 4 Sale!

XOXO

Britney Siren

zivity site up!!

http://www.zivity.com/users/Silenced_Siren

^--- my profile is here

So over the past few days I've been learning a lot of interesting stuff about this site. You can schedule live chats here (remember a billion years ago when I was wondering where I could host a normal chat for you guys... I think here might be a good place to start once I get the hang of the site) They allow self sets as well (I'll have to see if my crappy cam and minimal gimp skills are up to par on that one but I used to enjoy taking pictures of myself with random stories when I was bored so this could be fun too!)

People can get x amount of votes per month which they can use on sets they like. zivity then splits the profit between photographer and model :D

If you have an account there and are in the los angeles area please don't hesitate to add me or talk about shooting or even some advice would be really helpful.

guess that's all for today... I need to take some time to do the mundane snack shopping and perhaps some laundry.... :D

I hope you all have a great weekend

xoxo

Britney Siren

Lifestyle has to change...

I've been toying with this idea/feeling for a while now and I think I'm at a point to where I need to move forward. I wake up too many days w/ zero energy feeling half sick. I'm honestly not sure how I push myself through these days tbh.

It hasn't been as bad as it's been recently. This is the first time in life that I've solely survived on fast food. I rarely have anything home cooked or any type of fruit or vegetable that isn't on something horrible. Not to say that I dislike fruits and veggies because there's a good deal of them that I enjoy religiously... I lack food prep skills and the lack of a fridge has stopped me from buying any decent food.

Next week... I plan on purchasing a few things that I need. I'm not sure if the blender would work for this but I want to start juicing most if not all my meals for a while. It's probably just as expensive as eating every meal out (I do get the large meals too for some god awful reason). I generally spend 10 -20 bucks on food in a day which is fucking terrible so I might as well spend that on shit that won't make me feel like utter crap thank junk.

I know that I wanted to save for a car and I think I can still do that. I rarely go out to clubs and I've stopped drinking altogether so that alone should save me tons of money. (though I've bought a few skank out fits lately lol... I won't buy anymore at least until next month. I'll just cut up some old stuff I already have... I should purchase some thread today... I have needles and such but forgot this important item lmfao)

I guess I'm tired of feeling so sick randomly. Having Adema cause me great pain. I'm not even sure what causes it. I have a skin rash that comes and goes on my face that itches and I've tried every sort of cream out there and it never fully goes away. My joints hurt all the time especially my left knee. It's almost becoming unbearable and noticeable during normal walks to work. General lack of energy which means my anemia is probably back. This has been a long standing problem.

I just really want to feel good when I wake up in the morning. I want to have the desire to do the yoga routines I love w/out having to take a break in the middle b/c I feel like I may faint. Not feeling light headed during shoots. Being stronger in general and more pain free.

I need to do this for myself. . . I'm not saying I'll never eat a burger again or meet as it has it's benefits at times but I can't keep feeling so awful so often. I've already made most of my fluid intake water... I guess that's a start right?

I'd also like to apologize to anyone who planned on attending my Kinklive.com show yesterday. I will certainly be there rain or shine, Death or living for Tuesday's show I promise!! I felt so dead in the morning that I couldn't bear the bus ride/get out of bed. Even after a few more hours sleep I was still pretty dead. I had to force myself to my shoot later that night... I don't ever want to do this again. It's really becoming a problem when I can't go to work ya know :-/

a photo from that shoot.... expect a few more soon on Deviant Art and Tumblr :-) If you'd like info on future events from this group that you're welcome to attend as a model or photographer click here!

For future booking info (schedule, contact etc.) Feel free to checkout my Model Mayhem and the DA account listed above <3

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A new video has entered the ring!!

Other than that yesterdays "workshop" with MXD went well but wasn't what I expected. For some reason I was expecting it to be similar to regular group shoots with a bunch of things going on at once. This was much slower paced which is cool I guess and no time allotted for one-on-one's either. One tip for anyone thinking of getting into photography with models... do learn to relax and talk to the person you're shooting. If you can't make a bit of small talk and give direction/some positive words here and there to make sure the model knows they're doing the right thing (and also establishing more comfort)... this can make for an awkward shoot especially with a beginning model who doesn't know what she's doing and probably thinks everything she's doing sucks lol Just a suggestion.

I would also say not to say certain things to a person you're meeting for the first time until you've gauged out what's ok and what isn't. Ya never really know what can be offensive to people and not everyone will speak up about it so watch your tongue in professional settings.

To the man who I met last night who reads my blogs... ok me saying "I know no one reads my blogs" it's a lie. I know a few ppl do... I've gotten a few gigs this way and other people have mentioned coming across it. etc... I just want to say that some of the things you said weren't appropriate and leave it at that. One thing I will say that you should never say to any black or ethnic person ever is anything resembling "you speak well for insert random race, almost like a white girl etc." it's offensive as fuck... srsly don't say that shit.  I don't think you will grasp how irritating that is b/c you will never have to put yourself in a minorities position but try to understand. What am I supposed to sound like? Ghetto cause I'm from the ghetto? Just b/c someone is born and raised in it... well let's just say everyone here isn't a cess pool of idiocracy. Most ppl are just trying to get along and leave others alone. A small percentage cause trouble and that's not usually a problem if one knows how to conduct oneself and leaves those people alone.

I just hate stereotyping and backhanded compliments.... and anything pertaining to my personal life (IE: who I'm sleeping with) is no body's business... I'm not seeking advice, support or anything in my personal matters and as such I've stopped writing about them here... don't ask me or hint at anything of the such with me.

And no I don't know what I wrote 2 days ago... I don't go and re-read wth is here... who the hell does that?

End of bitch rant....


What I'm up to so far:

*8/20 -shoot with Papa Vic Photography

*8/22 (unavailable)

*8/25 -Shoot with Moonstix

*8/28-- Joylyn's Birthday Party Event!

As you can see other dates are still available for next week!! Let's book something shall we? (feel free to contact me at the links at the end of this post)

a shot from last week by vintage vista! Can't wait until we officially work together on our blindness shoot!! (and half afraid of rats and snakes and dying... guess we'll see)
 

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Model Mayhem -- Deviant Art -- Twitter -- Tumblr -- Formspring -- Youtube

To all the folks who admire my work

If you'd like to give back feel free to get anything off of my Wish list. I will def shoot in it if it's bought off of there. If there's something you're interested in getting that isn't on there I can either add it or we can talk about the details through email. I'll be adding things here and there that I like/need. I should put more basic items on there.

As you know I'm still trying to re-build wardrobe so any help would be appreciated. On the plus side of things though, my random trek through Downtown LA yielded some fun results. I at the very least know where to get bikini's and under wear things now lol. I hit my spending limit and headed back home after that but I'm sure there's gotta be some decent priced clothing places down there too. If you know of any let me know.

Still haven't recieved the images from last week (bummer). And it's looking like I won't be shooting any this week either... I'm going to start booking for next week this friday... hopefully someone will bite. I applied to a few legit agencies yesterday.... I'm wondering though if I should just walk into one and be like "sup bitches". Well maybe not say exactly those words but to visit one in person so they know I'm not an overly photo-shopped angled mess. The girl on OK Cupid that looked hot in a picture that was angled and another from 10 years ago.... I cease to understand why folks do this especially when you plan on meeting folks. It's like uh.... they're gonna know you're fat so can't you show that you're fat in your damn picture? It's really not that big of a deal. You wouldn't want someone coming to see you whose not into fat chicks right. Like if I put up a bunch of pictures where I look white, all super washed out and the person meets me and finds out and uber dark... There is one thing that tends to happen with my pro pics though. Since I do have a scar on my forehead (tiny little mark) it gets taken off... and the whole crooked eye thing that happens when my eyes are strained (tends to be when I look straight up).

I haven't played breath of fire in 2 days. I should hurry up and help the people of Tantar get their water supply back lol. I've been reading a lot of American Virgin so my RPG time is well not getting love :P

As always I'm on Model Mayhem, Twitter, Tumblr, and Deviant Art ...

shot by Martin Images

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Would you like to taketh my picture?

Since the job I applied at is extending interviews until next week. This week is well pretty much free. (though I'm saving thursday for another shoot... hopefully that will happen.) If tuesday's hair plan works out I'll have spiffy new hair for that as well which would be awesome!!!

At any rate if you wanna shoot drop me a line here or if you wanna send something nice/random-ness.

Net is still disconnected at home which makes for my internet travels a fun (not so fun) adventure! Though the good thing is it's a lot more comfortable getting on the net here in the company of books. My journey through the ghetto though is not so comfortable. Yes creepy man selling bootleg dvd's in front of the liquor store... I do feel that I am too good to even look in your direction :-/

While I'm here though I'm going to try to post up a couple of new pics on Deviant Art and not lollygag so much. Then it's off to the billion email shuffle woot woot!! No video tomorrow... maybe I can upload 2 next week if the net is back on or do so the day it's on??????

OH in other words... I'm free all week save tuesday and thursday as of now :D (I almost forgot to add that lol)

photo by lightbrite (check him out he's awesome!!)

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my appologies for not being terribly active

The interwebs at home have been shut off accidentally... so I haven't been able to keep up w/ emails and such for the past 3 or so days. I'm told they should be back on Monday. Until then I'll have to make fun treks to the library (since my phone is being retarded and doesn't want to let me log into any of my email accounts).

I'm waiting on word from my interview yesterday before I start making plans for next week (though I must admit that I did kinda give the OK for an Adam Chilson shoot... cause it's fucking Adam Chilson and I probably get to shoot a fucking flame thrower or something so like... wouldn't you!?)

I'll begin updating my accounts (deviant art -- model mayhem -- etc.) a bit more when I get time.

Since I'm not sure if I'll have net Sunday they're probably won't be a new youtube video either unless I go ahead and lug my shit computer to the library tomorrow. Guess I could do that... we'll see.

Other than that I did my first figure drawing class yesterday. I'd like to get more experience in it... we'll see though. Possible job hiring me to pick up doggies and take doggy names and give doggy belly rubs :D sorry dogs make me giddy a bit. I do hope they'll hire me but I'm not expecting them too. Seemed like a really chill work place (then again everything seems chill from the outside yes?

by Lightbrite (I'll post up more on my other pages as soon as the net wants to cooperate w/ me!!)

Until then thanks for the watches on DA... I do see them and I do appreciates!

Oh and for those who wanna hire me for stuff (photography, videos, custom, uh just wanna send a random message saying yo!) do that hither

Booking shoots

I'm still free thursday (during the day) friday and saturday onward!!

If any of you would like to shoot I can be reached here

A pic from last weeks shoot w/ Jonathan Ortiz! Check him out! Very respectful, proffesional awesome dude! I hope to be working with him again soon. Maybe even on something less experimental.

Another shoot w/ Lightbrite slated for wednesday..

So yeah book me bitches! Ok you're not bitches but still. Sometime later in the week I'll start working on the next.

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It's sunday, sunday... drinking water on sunday

That means another video blog! Like what! I'm running out of these things actually lol I should probably start getting the questions from formspring (when I do get them) and make videos out of those? Well we'll see. lol.

I'm mildly hungover. I haven't felt this way since January or so. I'd be lying though if I said drinking wasn't fun and didn't have certain advantages especially in akward situations. Not to say that yesterday was even close to as strange as I expected. My nervous skepticism kinda flushed away after a few moments... things aren't always as they seem. All in all I had a good time. Wasn't really a dancey type party that I'm used to... more kick back but still cool.

So now I go forth to fill my body w/ as much water as possible and (hopefully) a quiet day.

You used to be a beautiful baby... but baby look at you a year ago? I still debate whether I want my piercings back. Kissing is much more of a dream w/out them  but they looked so damn pretty :'( oh wells! To fill my day w/ show time original series now!

BTW as far as shooting goes... I'm free all next week (save thursday evening.) I'll be doing my first figure drawing class so woot woot on that! Which also reminds me... I still have papers to print/send in lol.

As always I'm on Model Mayhem --- Deviant Art --- Twitter --- Tumblr --- One Model Place

And yeah send me some more questions too cause they're awesome. AND New pics from last weeks shoot to come to my uh ports so look out for those (I know I'm a very slow updater lol) as well as the old fucking shit that I'm still transferring over.

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First youtube video

any tips, advice and such would be appreciated... and def feel free to send me more questions or subject matter!!

I dunno if I can watch this many times. Voices always sound really strange when they're recorded lol. Next time I'll put on make-up first... well at least you know what I really look like... oh the horror of unmasked female faces!!! lawls! Also it's hard talking to a cam w/out feeling like you're talking to yourself like a crazy person... maybe that gets better overtime?

Oh other good news!! A little birdy carried my magical lost SD card to me... we embraced and had magical photoshoot babies. OK not really but I do have it back and I can start updated Deviant Art again woot woot!! (as well as re-add the old ass shit back)

I have one shoot planned for next week (tentative, we're going w/ the wind on this one... hope it happens, would be nice to see lightbrite again his port is available here) and counseling session (that I'm sorta looking forward to) and a whole lot of pavement pounding. (momma needs a new pair of ermm adulthood workness?) I also must remember to re-visit ppl and call the shit out of jobs. I've failed to do that pretty much my entire adult life and I think that's a big reason why I spend 6 months at a time on the hustle. I'd rather not do that this time... yay annoying the shit out of managers is FUN!! Just sucks that I hate talking on the phone but I'm learning to get over phone anxiety. Part of being an adult... guess it means suck it up and deal with it yes?

As always on I'm on Model Mayhem, Twitter, oh.... One Model Place (I forgot I had that account until a week ago lol oh mine broke beginnings become my broke currently horray!!), Tumblr, hmmm Fetlife. I haven't really been on there and I'm debating whether I should simply delete the account altogether. While I do have fetishes and there are a few groups I like reading on there that give me hope that the whole world isn't full of scumy scum ass lickers.... the majority remains to be as uninspiring as the majority of the regular population. (oh shit I was suppossed to be working on cynicism shit!) Well at least every once in a blue moon a half way decent female admits to having a psuedo crush that is destined to go no where at all.... and for that I'm thankful..... I think today will be the first time I've checked it in over a week... well we'll see...

Walking this journey w/ you (that's me and for baremaidens... check that shit out, maybe some day they'll upload the video of me throwing a hatchet. I hope so cause I wanna see it myself lol)

Booking shoots May 16- 22nd

This week is all booked up woot woot. Looking forward to having fun this weekend and to shooting w/ lightbrite and 3 new photogs!! (Adan, Art N flesh magazine (I'd link but MM is being really fussy w/ me today yay 504 errors) and Tavo).

Starting to book for the next week. I'm currently booking for May 16th - 22nd.

I'm also hoping to have some time to go goodwill and arts n crafts shopping. I haven't had a chance to make anything new in a long while. Would love to destroy some t-shirts, make a dress and altogether gather up some newish things together.

Feel free to contact me through Model Mayhem, Deviant art, Twitter or Tumblr about work... or whatever lol

pic from last weeks lightbrite shoot :)

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Lately

Been shooting relatively frequently lately. I'm almost afraid I'm going to run out of clothing to shoot in lol! Things would be a hell of a lot easier if I were on my own and all my things were with me but this is not the case. That and if money flowed like rivers, fell from trees digital bank account trees and drove me wherever I needed to go. (hmmm reminds me, not looking forward to renewing the whole license thing next year. Loathe studying and taking tests but I guess it's a necessary evil.)

My feelings have about fallen flat on the current job. I predicted that the long travel times would eventually subdue me but I didn't think it all would be take such a toll so fast. On the one hand it is a fairly easy (albeit physical) job but not enough hours, low pay paired w/ the time spent traveling and the cost of said travel makes this for naught. Other nuisances aside... when half your money is spent on traveling and eating there's a major problem w/ where you're working. In other jobs I would've saved up at least 300 bucks by now. I don't eat much, don't go out much... but now it's a paycheck to paycheck thing. I feel as though I'm working for free.

I haven't decided on how to attack it yet. I wonder if I should flat out quit now and cut my losses. There is that whole two week notice thing. I could do that. I think staying at this job where resentment is eminent, where I know which direction I'm bound to go in (probably crazy angry outburst city) is well bad idea yes?

A surprise birthday party type deal was thrown for me this past Saturday. I'd like to say thank you to everyone who showed up (as  I tend to expect nothing anymore) and thank you for the gift that I'd been wanting for a long while. Hopefully I'll actually get to get out and use it as I've used old digi cams of the past. Granted my social circle was a bit less in a line segment then but... things are always changing. Life ebbs and flows... To hold onto something that's ultimately not doing you any good for the sake of not being alone... is pointless. Though having one's chosen exile thrown in one's face... I'm learning to feel differently about it.

I don't play well w/ many. I'm difficult yet easy... a cluster fuck of many masks... I think we all can be at times...

What I look forward to the most is a significant move forward....

I also had a shoot yesterday w/ Lightbrite. That was interesting and fun as always. Though I ended up smelling like doggies I didn't mind that so much. Random unplanned go w/ the flow shooting can sometimes be the most entertaining. Wasn't there late enough to do light painting but I'm sure we'll shoot again at some point. A Gogo thing might be in the works for late summer. I hope that works out. Apparently there are agencies for such things... had no fucking clue. I also got a free t-shirt which is cool cause who doesn't like free shit.

Today shooting w/ Omar (I have no clue if he has a photographer alias or anything). I know he's just starting out and all but he's a cool dude. I kinda feel lame for the many times I've missed out on shooting in the past... so hopefully I don't suck too much today. It'll be nice to finally meet you in person. You seem like a cool dude.

Tomorrow the dreadful job hunting continues "DOM DOM DOM" ... I think after that I might end up some where in little tokyo (Maybe not... I tend to get tired really quickly now a days. I may just head home).

Thursday shooting w/ Moonstix which should be fun! I wish you lived closer so we could hang out more. This shall be the perfect before I have to go back to work type thing I'm sure :)

I've neglected to book shoots for next week since I'm not entire sure what I plan on doing about the job situation. (or at least put the effort that I normally put into booking shoots) BUT my availability as of now is as follows

May 9th-12th

I'll post some pics up from yesterdays shoot as soon as I have them... take care everyone and be safe

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Vapor

Damn song was called vapor... lol Thanks love for finding it. . . I think I've listened to it about 5 or 6 times lol I may listen to it 3 more. It's the only way to get it unstuck from my head muahahaha!!

Ummm so Saturday's shoot mad flaked on me. This has only happened once before. I was quite amazed though that someone figure to just leave because other model's didn't show up w/out calling to confirm. I sent a message when I left saying I might be 10-15 mins late... SAYING I LEFT MY HOUSE AND I AM ON MY WAY!! I ended up being on time and the whole damn studio was locked up. The only reason I'm not too peeved about it is that I didn't ride the bus down there. If I were on the bus I would've been pretty pissed considering how slow that shit is and how much time I would've lost.


Visited the Griffith Observatory... filled w/ good memories. It's nice not being the only person interested in something/seeing someone happy about learning. It's also very adorable seeing this in an adult. It's a sorta light that most don't have... I'm not quite sure how to explain it... it's something you know when you see it. When someone is really having a good time and is seeing something through new eyes. (jeez the more days that pass the more I'm starting to like the little half humans more and more... I guess since I'm dealing w/ more children on a regular basis I'm getting accustomed to their sensory input patterns lol... If you know where that's from you get 10 dork points)

Bar Sinister that night... the plan was to go to Perversion but that was moved back to Thursdays so I was stuck w/ that place. I don't like that venue much. It's too small and security tends to be low key racist assholes who say inappropriate shit. Not to say I care about what they say as much as some... I find it a bit funny... but it still sucks to be somewhere w/ some dude staring holes in the back of your head. That sorta thing never makes anyone comfortable (though lucky for me I tend to not notice these things on my own since I block out 90% of what's going on around me... a skill I lost for a while after high school and have slowly regained through nights of sober clubbing... kudos to me haha) The randomness of their set list threw me off, 80's to goth rock- industrial/ebm - weird ravey type jumpy music - icky pop music that I wasn't quite in the mood for hearing. If I'm in an industrial club... that's what I wanna hear... 80's stuff fine, goth rock... sure I can live w/ that... the rest was kinda meh.

Then there's the fact that I'm not 18... not 21 anymore... so a lot of the pretentious children aren't really what I wanna be around. I love being in my dancing zone and catching a glimpse of some sour faced broad in uncomfortable clothes staring me down... If you wanna wear that kinda shit fine... I'm going to be as naked as possible b/c I know it gets hot in those places/I'm more comfortable this way... don't like it don't look. Yes I do have a bright gay ass back pack. I don't have piercings, a corset, latex... none of that shit on... (I would still have peircings but I gotta work. I'd never dance in a corset... it doesn't suite my dance style nor are corsets comfortable... latex, hmmm maybe latex booty shorts and a small bra like top... but that shit is expensive :P

Uh..........No place for us old folks to go and dance and be left alone (well not true... the folks at malediction are really nice about not staring at you like a total retard and give up a bit of conversation every so often too lol) And don't stomp on my foot terribly hard making it hurt for the rest of the night (thanks random drunk guy)

OOOOOOOOOOOH drunk ppl are starting to get on my last fucking nerve. So fucking stupid... I don't mean buzzed folks, buzzed ppl are like ppl on weed... happy and mellow, Drunk off their ass ppl are annoying and angry and stomp on my feet or hit me and i have to tell myself they're drunk and walk away cause they're drunk and have no clue wtf they're doing. Though there are times when I miss drinking a bit... I don't feel a need to drink, and mostly the feeling fades when I see folks act beyond the normal boundaries of excepted retardedness.
 

Anywho tomorrow I have a shoot w/ some metal uh stuffs which should be cool.... Next week a desert shoot!! Hopefully I can fill in some days in between w/ a couple more. If not I know there's 2 days I'd like to set aside for applying as a waitress at a few places... One job isn't going to afford me a living wage.... annnnnnnnd at least they get tipped yes? Though that would be a true test of ppl skills... I still plan on keeping my current job but if something else comes along I'd like to minimize my availability there w/ something closer that pays more :)

Available free dates are May 1st - 4th (Sad to say I'll be working my birthday but at least it won't be for very many hours. I would be happier about this if I had the next day off but I don't. Oh well) I can be reached on Model Mayhem or Deviant Art about booking me for shoots and junk...

Before you say "hey you're not vegetarian why you put dis herrrr" unless you just didn't know that then uh disregard. I still thought it was a cool concept.

Anyway I got this from Gravy Cat's Deviant art which you can find by clicking this whole thing here

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Available Shoot Dates

April 24th , 26th

May 1st through the 3rd

Looking forward to shooting Saturday. At least it's a late shoot so I won't be terribly tired. I might even have enough energy afterward to cut a nice rug (though that will depend if I have a shoot Sunday/how early it is... I may just head in early and catch up on some sleep.)

As far as all else goes...work is tiring. I haven't been so sore in a long while. I mean I've been "good" sore but this kind of sore is not so pleasurable. Birthday coming up on the 7th. I was super excited about it 2 months ago and now my excitement has kinda trickled down into some menial puddle. Don't really have any plans... hopefully I can treat myself to a gift and enjoy a nice quiet day/evening... I'm not really expecting much though. Last year was really nice but I suppose everyone is in a different place now. I'll probably never have that kind of birthday again.

Still updating Deviant Art w/ new and old works. (It's a slow process) If I haven't thanked you yet... I apologize. I've been lacking in the energy department lately.

I wish I still had the energy of a ten year old and that short of an attention span. Days sure felt longer back then haha.

Feel free to check me out on Model Mayhem, Twitter and Tumblr as well (work, fun, shits and giggles etc.)

Alright I'm off to spend my Victoria Secret gift card that I've been hording for the month lol....

(Lana Kane shoot in the works... for VERY SOON (I hope lol) Hopefully I won't look like too much of an idiot lol It's always difficult to pick characters to cosplay as when you're dark skinned... but I'll do it to the best of my ability.)

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Free to shoot!!!!

I just got my work days in... I'm free on April 23rd , April 24th, April 26th, April 30th... over the next couple of weeks. If you're interested in shooting feel free to contact me on Model Mayhem or Deviant Art... Twitter and even Tumblr accounts. (though I think the first two work much better.)

Other than that... today's first day of day of work (sorta... more training stuff). It went pretty well. I'm starting 6 days of work in a row. been a long while since I've had to do that. I'm excited (cause I'll actually be in my area getting hands on stuff tomorrow)... but I'm also dead tired from walking and playing DDR haha... such an awesome machine there!

Later on tonight going to a fetish dungeon... that should be cool. (even though I'm not expecting to have any play time though.) Good thing I don't work super early tomorrow... (woot woot sleeping in sorta!!)

Ooooo and yesterday's shoot... hoping to get pics from that soon. Really nice fellow. I'll post a pic up once I receive it.

Since I'm free next Saturday/Sunday perhaps I can visit perversion next week and have a gothling goodwill shopping/sewing day ^_^

(crappy ass webcam  photo... I need a new pocket cam... hopefully I can purchase one for myself, maybe as a birthday gift to me. Forgive the shitty quality and and uh weird make up, often when I go out I ugly,ermmm fy... an already lofty canvas lol)

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Journey into the wild green bug country

Yesterday's shoot was so much fun!! I like the look of nature but the feel is something I have very mixed feelings about. To be honest the only time I've really spent in it was an SCA trip last May and I was drunk 99% of the entire trip. I also had an electronic bug zapper so that made for more fun that the internet and cable combined (especially when mixed w/ heavy intoxication). I'm not sure how I'd handle a trip now considering I don't intend on drinking again. Guess there's always shrooms lmfao

Any who back to the original rambling. Beautiful scenery but fucking the bugs... my head still feels a bit itchy. I think I'm going to have to give my hair a good washing. It's been a month since I had it officially straightened anyway so no harm no foul I guess lol. It was a good hike though. Fresh air and spending the day w/ my love cracking jokes and being his silly cute self was quite wonderful. I enjoyed the back and forths b/t him and the photog (two weirdos of a similar breed)

It also made me feel a bit better in that I generally have a hard time meeting folks who make me really laugh being comfortable (my brain is always doing shit). It was pointed out to me that when shooting I'm happier, carefree... comfortable. This is generally true. I do enjoy it very much so and become overly talkative and giggly.

I saw ducks, green streams and giant beetles that tried to consume me but I ran... I ran like the bug scare-deee-cat I am... and I live to run another day!!!!

Have another shoot today (I hope it will be half as enjoyable as yesterdays) then it's first official day of working (and to check my days from inside work since it doesn't seem to work from an outside work terminal). Hopefully I'll arrive early enough to where I can do it before hand and nibble on raisins and cereal bars until work time. I wonder where I'm going to be stationed? I hope I work w/ nice folks. I hope the bus isn't late as fuck! I wonder if I got paid today for last week hmmmmmmmm??!!!

I have to remember to ask about a few things this week too... like where jazz is staying. I wasn't able to get her a going away gift... and I was fucking sick during the week so I missed our last chance to hang out (I'm an awful friend) Hopefully I'll have enough money get her birthday time to actually get her a decent present... at the very least a really cool gift cards or something. I hope she arrived safely and is on her way to being relaxed and all that good shit.

Now to pick out attire for this evenings soul capturing experience...

So yeah check out the rest of his work here Shoot w/ him, give him a nice hello and an internet hug... it'll greatly be appreciated. As always you can find me on my here on Modelmayhem, Twitter, Tumblr, and lastly but not least Deviant Art.... OH and Formspring  (I need new questions hehe)

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4 more days of free time... who wants to shoot?!!$!%!%

I... DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

I'm free from the 12th through the 15th (well as of right at this moment). Depending on how things go I'll be making some other plans to keep busy.

Free for shooting just about everything (especially if it's a really odd idea w/ props, or silly... fun!).

So please contact me on Model Mayhem or Deviant Art and let me know if you'd like to shoot or need a Gogo... weirdo...

The past week has been really good. I'm really excited to start saving up, being busy and complaining about work.

That is all....

 

By JAW click here for more of her work! She'll be leaving the state this week... so if you're in the Nashville area def check her out! She's super awesome to work w/... friendly, awesome, kind. Gonna miss you!!

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Fun Fact (and other thoughts)

Apparently "slut taking it up the ass" and "unicorn gifts for sociopaths" are a few of the top search phrases for this blog. LMFAO!! To my knowledge none of those things are here... just thought I'd share that w/ you guys.

Anyway onto what I logged on here to write about half cold w/ the sun peeking in and out from behind the clouds.

Yesterday's shoot was pretty cool. Really nice guy and pretty interesting to see how he actually "painted w/ light". I figured it was all photo shopped in post production;  didn't realize it was sorta a literal thing. Guess ya learn something new each day huh :)

This will probably be my last shoot for a while until I figure out a good routine. I'm guessing after a week or 2 I should fall right into place w/ that.

More thoughts crossed my mind being in an area I hadn't seen in 10 years. I was 16 back then. A time filled w/ rape, a first b/f, antidepressants, lots of self doubt and worry over things that I now wouldn't give much thought to.

What stuck out in my mind was the fact that I used to go to my ex's job after school sometimes and bring him lunch. Wait around in the book store until he was off and ride the bus home w/ him.

Home life was pretty tumultuous at that time. Come to think of it, home life was never really normal. There was always something afoot.

I think a lot of my restless nature comes from how home used to be.

As far as the here and now goes... things are relatively calm. A calm I haven't had in a long while. I can gather that I will wake up and not be harmed. The same folks will be here or be gone by their respective times. There's a bit of a routine that's about to change slightly but I welcome these changes.

I'm eating better and feeling better (though I do have slip ups of burgers here and there which I think is hindering my progress in the feeling 100% awesome department... a certain amount of meat makes my stomach upset now a days).

Relationships are flowing in the places they need to be in, I think. I guess you can't be everything to all people at all times. I don't stress it any longer. I understand that folks need to do what's in the best interest of self first.

I'm feeling pretty good about life... having an optimism that I haven't felt in a long while. I think I've finally got a handle on most of the negative thoughts that used to cohabit my brain (well they're in there still I'm sure but not as persistent as in the past)

To those out there dealing w/ depression, alcohol abuse, self image issues... pessimistic thoughts about the past.... Think of where you are now. Figure out why you're choosing to have these feelings about things. If they're really from deep w/in you or influenced by others... and why you're latching onto them. Examining yourself is a difficult... annoying process that few will ever attempt to do (most avoid being alone long enough to even attempt to do such. When all others are gone you only have you to blame for your stake in life right?) I won't give some sappy fucking "you gonna be alright" shit to you. I will say that it is possible for you to start on a path to make yourself happier but it's a long hard road to get there. You'll need a support system. You may have to let go of some connections during this. You might have to detach for a while... those who understand will be around when ready to reconnect... those who don't well you're probably not right for one another anyway... plenty of fish in the sea all that crap.

I'm looking forward to today and tomorrow. To getting some fresh air, painting, working and dancing one last time w/ someone whose been through a bit of the ringer w/ me. Who I appreciate still being around. I'm saddened (more so than I even initially realized) that she's leaving but I know the the move will be for the better for her. There's a lot that I admire there....

(pic from yesterday's shoot... you can find lightbrite's port here very easy to work w/... stand up cool dude )

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It seems as though today's shoot is off...

Doesn't appear to be sunny enough to do what was planned. On the bright side at least I got a bunch of stuff in my bag already for tomorrows shoot (which will need darkness so I won't have to worry about the weather being fussy teehee!)

Yesterday's shoot was pretty fun. I can't wait to get all the pics back. I already got a few and they're looking pretty cool. I think all the squatting I've been doing has made my thighs a lot stronger... holding a squat position now w/out shaking, pretty cool to be able to do that. After seeing the very flexible curvy fancy haired lady yesterday whose name eludes me (I fucking suck w/ names... I apologize for that) makes me want to super up the level of yoga I've been doing. I've been ok the very basic stuff for about a month or so. I might search around amazon in a few weeks to see if I can find some intermediate works and perhaps some harder pilates workouts (though those already hurt tremendously already.)

(thought freeze, special k singing Aesthetic Perfection... made me smirk a bit)

I guess I can use the rest of the day to relax and then head out for dork time adventures (I'm bad at planning this sorta impromtu things)

We'll see... ermmm new updates for deviantart? not sure if I wanna put all the old crap up first then the new but I guess it shouldn't matter as long as it all gets there, one way or another right? Maybe add a few to Model Mayhem as well.

I'm super excited to see all the new pics!! Shoot tomorrow w/ light experimentation that I've been looking forward to for a while.. I think the weekend is looking up

(jeez what is her name??? I dont' want to put these more up w/out being able to credit her!!!! Ermmm uh Special k's uh... what is this ur third sorta shoot? this shot is by zetsu photography)

We heard no evil, saw no evil, spoke no evil... :)

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Take my picture fool!!!

Since I'm not 100% sure on how much free time I'll have after Sunday... I'm trying to get as much shooting done as possible.

Today is booked, Tomorrow seems iffy... The photographer hasn't gotten back to me so I may just opt to do something else. Friday is booked, Saturday is still open and Sunday evening if free.

Other than that updated the new deviant art has been really slow. But it's chugging along. I guess it'll be done when it's done. It's a little odd, I wonder how long it takes for the old page to fully disappear?

At any rate if you'd like to book me (modeling and even gogo dancer wise contact me on model mayhem or deviant art)

(photo of me taken by rachel spurr)

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