What's goin' on... what's goin on

It's been a while since I've sat down and had some time to sort thoughts with you all. Here's what's going on in my little world. I guess in times like these, when things are filled with an air of calm I don't feel as much of a need to sift through thoughts.

Rest assured despite some set backs as life will inevitably always have a few in the way I'm doing pretty good. Working on moving. Recovered from sickness and I'll probably start getting ready to chat with a few of you once I get done clickety-clacking at the keyboard.

Home life has leveled out a bit... not saying things have changed much but my perception has changed. I think to myself I can be stressed about this or move on. Things have certainly been worst. I've been in some pretty sketch living situations and this is NOT one of those. I do feel safe (mostly) and that my things are safe save people using things w/out permission. The infractions are so minor that it isn't quite worth getting peeved about entirely.

I've missed a few shoots due to sickness (sadly). I want to be able to do it all but physically I'm no spring chicken who can run around on all cylinders for very long before my health tells me to sit the fuck down. I need to learn how to rest properly. To help with this I've been allocating computer usage time though all this has done is made me look for work in an uncomfortable way via cell phone lol. Perhaps I should allocate phone usage time as well?

I went out dancing for the first time in a long while. It takes me a while to feel the music at  a level where I'm moving freely and feeling nothing but the energy of the moment. I think part of me lives for those times. Modeling and dancing does something wonderful for me mentally and physically... perhaps spiritually? It's one of the few times I feel in tune and connected with a mass quantity of people that I'd otherwise feel very disjointed from.

Speaking of spirituality... I had someone ask about my religious beliefs. This is not a subject I'm comfortable discussing with any old person. I'm not sure what their angle was per say but a series of random questions or actions that I wasn't OK with was met with "I'm not nice, or I'm mean" which left me annoyed and confused. If a person tells me they aren't comfortable with having a certain topic of discussion I drop it... I NEVER want to make someone feel discomfort nor can I force this comfort to the forefront. I wouldn't want to do that anyway. I might not be "nice" but I did quite  a bit of tongue biting and word holding b/c of this and other questions. My honesty can be biting and I didn't want to cause offence where there was no need for it either... for this I'm a bit proud as younger me would've went off on many ranty rants... save this I suppose.

If my body tells me to not be comfortable with you on that level (which is a pretty deep level) I listen. There are reasons why and you should listen to what your instincts tell you as well. Perhaps  there are motives there that are not obvious to me that I need to shelter myself from. Perhaps you're not trust worthy, and rest assured if you have a penis for the most part we will not get past a certain level of comfort UNLESS we're dating. I'm sure there are valid reasons for that as well.

I'm a sensitive person when it comes to those immediately in my life so I do keep most people out of that area. If you're overly negative or constantly talking about other people in a negative light it also makes me raise eyebrows. Not to say that I assume I'm the topic of discussion when not around nor do I care but that sort of talk does nothing to improve the quality of my existence. Negativity doesn't make me feel better on a grand scale... it needs to be dispersed and released so positive energy can take over but constant focus on what one doesn't have or putting self on pedestal when we are all fucked in some way repels me like two magnets.

I have a shoot this weekend (which hopefully will not be disrupted by some high calamity. I really do want to shoot with this person again) after that I'm going to switch my focus up until I've settled moving and such.

I'm excited that SUMMERSLAM is fucking coming up really soon!! I hope I can go this year and I really want to look into getting tickets to the raw that Monday before it (I think it's going to be in Anaheim though I'm not sure) Wasteland weekend is also coming up and I'm very unsure if I'll be able to go this year. Met some really kind people out there last time so I hope that I will be able to go though the adult in me says to take care of business first... fun time will be there when you're ready.

Lots of comics to be read, some games to be practiced at my leisure and friends to bother at random times with hugs and pallets of bacon.

Life is pretty good... :)

by Jimmy P

Full set is available on Zivity and will soon be available for download via Extra Lunch Money and Images 4 Sale!

XOXO

Britney Siren

A Halmark to Self

It's been roughly a month. I've discovered a lot about myself. Where my fears root from. A lot about what I will and won't accept. That boundaries sometimes need readjusting. That a disagreement or argument isn't negative in and of itself. Talking w/ those who have the proper tools will eventually yield a positive result.(even if it's a compromise of both parties wishes) Talking w/ those who are stuck in power games doesn't.

I feel like that silly facebook rant was the first time I truly back tracked into something I don't want to be a part of. Silly shit talking for the sake of it w/ no real focus on changing anything. Childish blame games. It appears to me that nothing was really gained from it except to avoid at all costs. I don't need the stress over trivial matters. Over people that I shouldn't even be hearing about anymore.

I've come to the following conclusion. As much as you may "like" a person and enjoy their good qualities one can't blindly go into things backing them up. Often times you will be left to the slaughter. Most people value their roles in whatever plays they play to avoid dealing with their real issues. I can't afford to care about those issues anymore for folks who just want to go back into the same patters. I've come far and have been content w/ the progress I've made in my love relationship... if friendships cannot keep up, I'll just find new friends.

I just know that I don't want anything to do w/ toxic people. Not even a loose association. Don't want to be tied in, don't want to hear about what's going on in their lives. Don't care, doesn't behoove me in the least bit.

So the tricky part is stepping way left field out of my comfort zone and branching out to new social circles. I think in a sense I've half ass done that. I'll just have to keep at it and not let little bumps in the road hinder my progress.

I might be overly analytical. I'd rather be this way than naive. Have a nigga mentality.... be content w/ sub par "friends" who drain my energy rather than bring me new life. My love does that for me, more often than not. There are a few others that I can see that potential in....

I wonder if this will be taken as a personal blow to some, I assure you it is not. This is just me on my personal journey to self improvement. To having the kind of life that I want. A certain amount of detachment for a time might be necessary for a time.

Either way the pendulum will swing where it wants. I'm not afraid of a loss of friendship for taking time out to deal w/ myself and for avoiding problems when I have very real problems of my own. I don't expect anyone to wait forever for me to "find" myself but I do know that those who really want a friendship will understand and not hate me for wanting to be my very best.

Other than that this is the last post I'll be making from this locale. No more cam whorin' para mi. I didn't enjoy it and it's good to end it before it begins to further eat away at me. It works for some but not for me.

Oh and much needed marvel vs capcom 3 time today!! Fuck fuckety yeah yeah!!! I've had random music from that game stuck in my head! Should this job thing pan out this week... I'm gonna have to get my baby a joystick (well I guess technically it's for me, well not technically he doesn't even use one lmfao) and I can buy blazblue FINALLY!!! I can improve my fighting spirit, my mark of wolves (speaking of snk games I still haven't played KOF XII, that's rather sad.) I apologize for the temporary nerd out. OH FUCK I COULD BUY COMIC BOOKS AGAIN!!

In all seriousness though those things aren't at the top of my priority list. I'll mostly be staying in, saving up for an apartment and car (as I've been doing and the saving is going ok for now).

There's a couple of events I want to attend. I do wanna find someone whose planning on ordering wrestlemania 27 and maybe chip in on it. I'd love to go to beyond wonderland (stupid trailer sold me, song made me all giddy and shit. I haven't been to any raves since 09 so it'll at least be fresh to me plus it's 18 and up so all that crap that freaked me out about raves (the minors) won't be present, thank goodness!!

I'm hopeful for the future. In fact I have a confidence in it that I've never had before. I know things will be ok because I will make them ok. I will adjust and I'm not totally alone on this. The potential for non alcoholic friends is high. Potential for still alcoholic friends but not bad influences in my life is looking good too. I won't stop going forth w/ open arms... but those arms aren't going to be open for those who don't want it/those who have proven to be more trouble than they're worth.

more of knytcrawlr's work can be found here

Your combo has ended this transmission.