Sunday, January 30, 2011
Le Good stuffs!@#$
It does make one relaxed. Happier, silly, more comfortable and is excellent at dealing with menstrual cramps and the worst of migraines. Pretty much the best pain killer I've ever used. I do suffer from joint pain. It would probably help my insomnia. Most nights I don't get a full sleep though this could be that I'm not comfortable where I'm staying. When I'm in hotels or elsewhere I sleep perfectly fine. I have had police and random cam whore-ree-ons bust into my room w/out fucking knocking which always makes me a bit annoyed while here. There are no locks on the doors :-/ It'd help may appetite. I hardly feel like eating when I'm at home for some reason.
Le set backs!@#$
It makes me lazy. I'm already lazy when it comes to shit I'm not looking forward to. This would ultimately give me a "don't give a fuck" attitude. I'd want to eat more but there wouldn't be shit to eat anyway. I don't have no fucking money. I got a can full of corn w/ no can opener and some raisin bran... this is not good munchy food. Even if I did go out and buy a full months worth of food chances are some whore would eat my fucking food anyway. Recreation wise... it'd only work for hanging out watching movies, really dumb movies... I'd hate to watch some of my favorites high. I doubt the emotional impact would be there. Dancing (one of my fav things to do badly) would be out of the question. I've tried this a few times and I've always felt like meh and noticed even more of what ppl were doing around me. In that case I would've fared better not smoking/eating weird shit at all. There's a good chance that what little wit I've retained from angsty teen years would be swallowed up. I'm not sure if I would be saddened at that point, guess I wouldn't care cause I'd be too dumb to realize how dumb I've become. Even so... at this point this would disappoint me.
(ugh someone just got downstairs... I really hate high pitched voices :-/ )
I guess it's about that time I start to prepare for my star trekkie day... My continuing mission to round up the masses to watch star trek w/ me... go to conventions (I've never been to one and I sooooo wanna go). Not move much and enjoy my day away from this synthetic brothel.... though it's rather nice at the moment (save that one high pitched annoying voice from downstairs. I wish the walls weren't so thin). Get give some love to my Neo Geo emulator... I haven't played twinkle star sprites in weeks... so fucking fun!! *nerdgasm*
(I still can't pass area 2 in mario paint after all these years... fucking weak sauce)
Friday, January 28, 2011
In the past week... (I wont' even say month b/c a few transgressions and personal time has been taken this week alone so I'll just start from there) I've been taking a look at my current relationships... those from the past and those bonds I would like to form but have been stifled by inaction for fear of change or perhaps inadequacy.
I've said this before... I may even say it again. I will attempt not to drink anymore. It's left me more broken, sick and I've hurt those around me entirely too much. I'd like to quit before I get to some disgusting point, awakening alone in an alley somewhere, if I even awaken at all.
I often go back and forth on this... I think maybe if I have one I can feel just comfortable enough to silence all the little things in social situations that make me feel as though I'm being scrutinized. Logically I know this is not on such a grand scale as I've built up inside but it feels real enough to my ego.... and so one becomes 2 becomes 5 becomes yelling, puking passed out some place blacked out and unsure of the severity of situations. This is no way to live.
As far as relationships go... there are reasons why I care for those in my life. I think each person brings something special to it. A light, happiness... sometimes it's the most trivial of conversations that spark an interest that ignites a change. In the past I've pulled away (and admittedly this week even I've shut down a bit) but I wish to do that no longer. I'll do my best to remain open, albeit venerable... to the lines of communication... to be blunt... to speak up when bothered. I've been doing a good job of this for a few days... I want to keep the momentum going. Something very refreshing when your needs are recognized... that it's not taking away from anything b/c ultimately all parties involved aren't purposely trying to sabotage, at least that's what I think. Only time will tell how these connections will be in the future but I've learned something from everyone. I've a clear set of boundaries in place and I won't let them be compromised for the sake of others any longer. It is a two way street... honest communication, though difficult b/c of our past blemishes is the best way to go about things... this is harder to do than say. Baby steps.
Those future bonds whether made or not...I will have to approach things as if I were never hurt before... this is tricky and I'm not sure when I'll be at this level or if I'll ever fully be able to.
I hope everyone has a good weekend!
In other non serious news I might be at Ruin Saturday (not sure if this is a good idea or bad but it would be quite the test for not drinking as social environments are when I tend to want to drink) I'm kinda curious about the event... I wonder if anyone is going to be there or if some actual old school hip hop will be spun (cause JP night at bunker didn't really play any dir en grey or blood, D, I dunno any Japanese bands so I'm half skeptical)
(by earache-j see more of their work on deviantart.com)
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Thank you mr. WTF was ur username? Loseng or whatever the fuck I don't really remember. If you're lost let me clear some shit up for you.
- Yes I do nude photography
- I do masturbation, fetish/ weird ass vids/web cam crap
- I do regular artsy weird shoots for the hell of it because there's a cool message or the idea strikes me
Now what exactly did this person mean by their comment and why it's stuck with me all day is a mystery. Was this meant to be insulting (dunno it was followed by a roflmfao) I'm rather curious though what all this means...
Let's see dictionary.com says pornography is- obscene writings, drawings, photographs, or the like, esp. those having little or no artistic merit. Art or artistic is defined as - well let's face it there's too many fucking definitions of that so let's just go w/ numero uno shall we... conforming to the standards of art; satisfying aesthetic requirements.
If porn has no artistic merit and indeed what I do is porn than how does one become a porn artist? What exactly entails artistic or what's the standards for what is aesthetically pleasing. Man if captured in the right lighting I could find a turd baking in the sun aesthetically pleasing.
Was this a commentary on whether I am indeed a "real" model? I also wonder why one must be defined by the way they pull in money. That fucker at Mc Donald's making fries isn't just fry cook or cashier or dude that cleans up the bathroom when fuckers poop. (Note I have worked at Mc Donald's and it fucking sucks donkey dong, no don't suck donkey dong...)
I've never really looked at what I've done as real porn. I guess since I've seen how most porn stars live or rather the kind of work they do and I don't do nearly as much. I've never done anything w/ another person... perhaps my whole definition is eschew. Even so... whether what I do is porn or whatever... why should that matter? I'm more than work...
All of us walking molecules shouting out, swinging that judgemental pendulum, casting stones... Treating others as objects, titles, and not as full human beings as we all are. Layered... w/ struggles, wins, a whole tapestry of emotion, skills.... etc. Most porn stars I've found to be a hell of a lot nicer and more accepting than average living the non judgemental god fearing (insert whatever religion floats your boat) person.
I think it's time that folks stop imposing their own morality onto others. If I'm not to your liking then don't talk to me and stop offering up opinions/commentary that I didn't ask for especially in a damn chat room.
(Jada Fire's tits because they always make me feel better lol)
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
I've noticed others as well as myself saying things like.... "he should have known this" "Well you've known me all THESE YEARS how could you not know?" sure we can guess at things a good deal of the time but if you really want your desires to be met it's your job to make sure you're clear about what is is that you want, intentions... etc.
So many relationships, love wise, family and friendships suffer b/c ppl refuse to take responsibility in the communication process. I'm aware of this now so hopefully this will help me to keep my eyes open.
(this drawing by Irene Roga... she can be found on deviantart.com )
Monday, January 24, 2011
- often feeling consumed
- having difficulty defining ego boundaries
- exhibiting sadomasochism
- having difficulty letting go (oh I'm very guilty of that one)
- fear risk, change, and the unknown
- experience little individual growth
- having difficulty experiencing true intimacy
- plays psychological games
- give to get something back
- attempt to change others
- need others to feel complete
- seek solutions outside the self
- demand and expect unconditional love
- refuse or abuse commitment
- look to others for affirmation and worth
- fear abandonment when routinely separated (yeah that's def me also)
- re-create familiar, negative feelings
- desire, yet fear, closeness (I'm probably shades of this too at least when it comes to women)
- attempt to "fix" others' feelings
- play power games
I don't think I'll be going out for a while either. I've been feeling myself uneasy at the prospect of going outdoors even for food. I don't want to be around people. I'm not feeling comfortable in my skin.
Hmm never got a call back from my friend, as I expected...
I guess what this really means is I'll be off of facebook for the most part... I'll still use twitter but I probably won't be reading as much or updating. I'll just stick to sites where I don't know the people and have/observe light hearted things.
I attempted school registration but stopped as I realized that I don't have a mailing address. I could get a PO box but honestly I can't see me fairing very well attempting school from this place worrying about the half ass electro pimps and w/holding of my fucking money.
Literally have an empty wallet, bag covered in wtf... I'm not looking forward to anything today... breakdown probably eminent
Friday, January 21, 2011
Let's complain about how others are "racist" before there's even any proof of such. Perhaps that man is staring at you not because you're black but b/c you're being loud and obnoxious. Because you're talking about personal sexual things at level 10 volume in a quiet place that no one cares to hear. God forbid someone tell YOU what to do cause you're black and can't NO BODY TELL YOU SHIT. I guess that's because you are indeed the shit but do you have this attitude to hide the true shame that you feel deep down? If you were really proud of being "black" why wear make up that makes you lighter, straight hair and talk shit about those who have their hair natural because OBVIOUSLY they cannot afford a relaxer and thus you are better. Feels good being up on that high horse doesn't it.
With all the world always being wrong you all is right in your universe. Never stopping to take a look at why people react the way they do to your arrogance. Why people react the way they do to anything? Why you feel the need to buy into all this superficial bullshit? You think lil wayne is the greatest fucking lyricist of all time... I assure you he is not. Most of that shit isn't even cohesive from sentence to sentence let alone a full verse... (Immortal Technique, Cunning Linguists, Nas, hell even Jay Z at times... but fucking Lil wayne is garbage.)
Do you even realize how many fucking genre's of music black people have created and abandoned? Oh of course not... let's not learn of the history that you so proudly proclaim... wtf are you proud of then? WHY ARE YOU TAKING PRIDE IN RACE? That's just as irritating as the clan member proclaiming racial superiority to me. We're all fucking human... It sickens me that race still plays so much of a role in how one is initially perceived
And because of dumb NIGGAS I will always have ridiculous hurdles to climb b/c unlike them I actually travel outside of my 10 blocks and like to learn about all kinds of ppl. I think if more folks did that we'd find that we have more in common than differences.
We all eat sleep shit fart fuck... we do need one another as much as we don't want to admit it... and at the same time not as much as we think (IE: romantic love: oh I can't live w/out you... losing oneself in it and being devastated at it's loss... you can too live alone but we long for a connection to be part of something but that thing is a part... you can be whole w/out it.)
Remember kids- Fix yourself before you go fixing the world!
Thursday, January 20, 2011
I'm newly aligned with the dark side... the fake hair, weaves, wigs, kanekalon are now allies. No this isn't cause I'm bald or "chicken headed" or some other stupid label inbreds give to folks with short hair. (I've found that some girls can pull it off and still look feminine and beautiful and often stick out more than the girl whose hiding an average face behind a head full of hair) In all honesty it's easier to deal with at times (in the case of wigs and braid hair) cause I hate doing my hair on a daily basis. The amount of versatility it offers is also appealing.
Another thing folks in the ghetto never express is that pretty much everyone wears fucking weaves. That shit was not made for yo black ass! celebs... I'm pretty sure nicolas cage is sporting some lace front wig cause why else would his hair line change all the damn time? lol
I never really had a problem with fake hair but know that just as make up doesn't enhance a fucked up canvas putting pretty hair on a duck isn't going to make it a swan...
Having hair or lack there of doesn't make the person... a truly attractive person can be w/ no hair... covered in dog poop eating road kill "jessica white" is such a person. I'd kill my mother and uncles for that girl (ok I'd probably do that for no reason at all but a blog for another day)
Other News... I had a shoot yesterday and I'm very excited to see how the pics turn out!!!!!$!$!$^*!^$ I'll post some when I get them.
Thinking of new group activities for next month... perhaps karaoke night should be reloaded yes?
<3 <3 scott church
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Every computer I've had always had multiple issues. Maybe it's because they're fucking cheap pieces of shit that you're not supposed to keep more than 6 months but I am poor so I'm not gonna buy a new video card every 6 months that makes the last one look like baby carrots. Tired of blue screens and updates from microsoft that make my computer not work b/c now it doesn't have enough memory to run itself... does this happen w/ apple products?
I'd do away w/ computers altogether if I wasn't so used to them/nothing runs on fucking linux... cause maybe I hold hope to having a decent computer some day *tear*
This pic has nothing to do w/ anything but is by Jenny eight on deviantart.com
In other news I have a shoot today which hopefully will happen with not setbacks like a broken leg or the bus being gay and making me late/getting lost as I tend to get lost easily.... ugh red scare running my day? Likely...
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
F.A.N.Z..... Killed horses, unearned praise and a relationship shows it's true well way this week. It's funny that so much angst can be caused by folks simply brooding/reading things in the wrong manner/why the fuck do ppl concern themselves so much w/ ppl they never see?
Speaking of which, I guess I'm hypocritical in that front. I must admit that hate, dislike, repulsion makes for a disgusting attraction in a sense (did that make sense/change?) I do believe I've reached a breaking point. Humans love repetition an routine but so do retards. I bore of the same mundane shit over and over.
Be nice to have friends who I could discuss the artistic value in a cum shot... ok maybe not that but just knowing more folks who are willing to do activities (outside of arcades and even clubbing ) instead of professing how BORED they are all the time. People who aren't complaining how unhappy they are w/ their bodies as they eat that bacon wtf and remain immobile all fucking day.
Things are changing. It's been a slow SLOW process but I know what appreciate from those I choose to interact w/ and what I don't. That I'm extremely turned off by idiots and idiots who find themselves to be profound are even more revolting. Fake connections... IE: saying a relationship is deeper than it obviously is... Those who shout their disdain for a person and yet they're always around them... LA is a BIG fucking city and you can't find other hoes to be around? I get it you have the same "friends" but why is that? Birds of a feather flock together so you must have something in common if you keep running into each other w/ the same damn people.
Losing dead relationships is no longer a fear for me. . . befriending someone who can't comprehend simple English, science math, especially considering that my basic math skills are worst than illegals working in fruit fields so someone dumber than me wouldn't benefit me one bit haha
(why is that pic there? Cause shut up I don't have to answer to you... I'm half asleep)
Monday, January 17, 2011
*After careful thought from a mind whose memory capacity is pretty shit-o-riffic... I've dated about 2 black guys in my lifetime... banged 3. After more careful thought I realize that neither dating period counts cause one only came about cause he asked nicely and took 3 tries to beat me in tekken 3 and thus I felt obligated/he got creepy after a week and I dumped him. The second never really acknowledged that we were "dating" ermmm "fucking" ermmmmm dragged me along on a big dick monkey ride. In all instances I wonder what was the inital interest. With many of my white cocks it took a lot longer for that mask to break down... save the being dragged along monkey dick ride which is odd as I don't really care for giant donkey dick. It's not fun in the bj arena and mostly it hurts my vagoo... I can say I've had more fun w/ 3 inches than w/ 11...
*3 black men.... all cocky which one would think is a mask that would SOME DAY fade into oblivion. "this is us getting to know the real deeper layers, this will pass yes?" NOPE perhaps there were never layers to begin w/
*2 shared the same name sake and I'm still not sure which experience was worst. I love psychotic men who call at odd hours taking shit personal and yelling about some OLD SHIT. So old to the point that you don't even remember saying it. People really have to learn how to use library voices and not brood over trial trivia bla
* I never saw where 2 of them lived
*They all had giant cocks save one. None of them were really on my menial intelligence level. Perhaps I'm wrong and they were highly intelligent sentient beings. So much in fact that I couldn't even detect such?
*They all ended on notes that each time I've further been repulsed by black men
*The most aggressive men and abusive I've experienced. Welp fuck it no more dating inner city whore ass niggas who all wanna be a pimp. Who talk as if you are obligated to answer. "we got a black president why you talking to that WHITE MAN" Uh.... he's a photographer, I'm not even fucking him but now I probably should cause if you are the only alternative I'd rather bang old fat white men who know when to shut the fuck up!
*Ok not ALL are bad... some are friends of mine and have been nothing but gentlemen funny awesome like...ish
*Black women get hella pissed when seeing a "brotha" w/ a non niggerish pussola and each time I ask myself.... is this even some one you'd give a chance, he seems a bit white washed to me...or nerdy or generally things that these bitches wouldn't be interested in. I've found that most folks date for the most shallow reasons and that's probably why they can't fathom what a black man could possibly have in common w/ anything but a black chick. Ya know every race smokes weed.... so stop fucking hating cause the real issue is NO ONE WANTS YOUR ASS K... :D
*ugh too many black men don't respect that you're in a relationship and will be aggressive and relentless in hitting on you. It's these times where I want a license to kill or at least enough MP to summon Odin
Well this negativity has gone on long enough! In conclusion I'm racist against black men I guess cause, um, damn this was not evenly spaced out on the positive negative trait bar that I placed in my subconscious. I think if there was a special website for ball busting CBT shit specifically for black men I'd be all for that shit... never really kicked a dude in the nuts hard... think that's the only time I wouldn't care. Alright I stop myself before I go off into another rant. Oh shit I just lost 50% of the 2 readers who read this shit, and all my twitter followers, better act fast...
Oh Ariel Alexus... you've shown me the beauty in the black.......................................bllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Kinda amusing to go from a beach to a pool but it worked out fine. Cute kid w/ this "look what I can do" spirit. I wish I could retain some of that care free.... hmmm. I guess the kind of attitude one has before you realize the boogie man is real but he's wearing sheep's clothing... it's probably your uncle and not the mysterious "man in van" (though growing up in the ghetto one sees there share of men in vans and hobos jerking off on public transit)
I haven't had a day where I smiled so much and wasn't constantly thinking of oh no what must I do next. My brain finally stopped, in a good way :D
Guess I should make the most of the fact that I probably can't go back to sleep by working! Here's a random ass picture that's not in season at all... (naw fuck that miss mosh is always in season <3)
Friday, January 14, 2011
Well what I really wanna talk about has nothing to do w/ that. Fuck man I'm tired of getting "home" (kinda bothers me to call this my home but it is where I lay my head... at least I get to sleep naked I guess) and find that some wack hoe has eaten random bits of my food. This has been going on for months now. There was a gap where I didn't really notice food missing. IE: milk is untouched, peanut butter jelly seems to not be the cup of tea for this food stealer person.
What pisses me off the most is I scrape up food w/ what little money I do have. OBVIOUSLY I don't have much considering I stay here. Who would choose to stay in a synthetic whore brothel? (Actually the idea didn't bother me much until being here. Since many of the girls work irregular hours it can be noisy at random times. The walls are uber thin. No windows, gets stuffy. It's REALLY loud when that one couple that works here randomly comes in but they semi amuse me. "I love when you fuck me, oh no not my ass but YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!!" I haven't seen them in a while though... nice folk they are) Many of these grenades (shit I watch too much jersey shore) make more money than me. Now I don't know if this is fully because I've been lazy lately.... and haven't kept steady hours from week to week/day to day or cause some how fat old ppl are more attractive than I am or if that really comes into play considering how much the web cam doesn't pick up on all the fucked up shit in these bitches faces (even so bodies are wrecked... bla).... still they shouldn't be eating my fucking food!
I've rarely fed bitches I'm actually fucking, WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANNA FEED HOES I HAVE NO CARE IN THE WORLD ABOUT!
I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to have to start locking food up in the lockers in the back or buying only items I can horde in my room... this shit is really the fucking wackest of the weak sauces...
FAT BITCHES IN BIKINIS!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Why are people so drawn to things that appear to make them inherently, sometimes unconsciously upset, miserable. Complain about it one moment and revel in it the next. People stalk suspected enemies as to keep them closer... as if to be fighting some war that they are the only one's partaking in.
Why do so many need the approval of their peers? This is not to say that I think that's entirely ridiculous. We're a tribal ppl... we all want to belong some where right? At the same time there are tiers of importance in ones life... If certain folks don't mesh well, why not just move on?
Why hate anyone at all? Over name calling? Cause she is simply a bitch or whatever label one applies to the fold to explain a real or imagined rejection.
You doing the same thing someone else does that you don't like, oh well they're just copying you? You don't care about what that person has to say yet you brought them up w/out provocation, You're so content in life yet others names, issues, situations roll out of your mouth and that judgemental pendulum swings back and forth perpetually.... and for what? As if you are the end all be all in what's right and wrong... never taking into consideration that your fourthand information is more than likely distorted...
I hope for a world where people aren't always putting up a front/mask... where that isn't needed. Where girls aren't so afraid of being called sluts that they can actually admit to liking sex. Girls w/ low self esteem would stop trying to tear down others or put so much value into the tiniest bit of half ass attention from any cock anywhere! Where guys can admit their true feelings. Game playing, manipulation, lies would end on both sides of the dating/friendship spectrum. That females can be friends w/out having that mentality of "Imma keep them around so I can watch them and back bite later"
An honest world... when folks will wake up and realize we're all one human race full of potential, loving, the ability to soar the skies... not just fear and loathing, hurt...
guess that starts w/ me
Monday, January 10, 2011
lol I doubt it... If I did I'd probably go through a major depression
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Saturday, January 8, 2011
would you fight the borg knowing you'd face possible extinction (w/ inferior weapons) or just give in and join the collective
would you fight the borg knowing you'd face possible extinction (w/ inferior weapons) or just give in and join the collective
English- I enjoy writing
Kid sister... I used to strap her to the book rack of my bike and pretend we were on a motor cycle :)
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
I've found at least two girls who fit that...
this image will be etched in my mind for eternity
aparently this is from www.seehersquirt.com you may want to check that out...