Thursday, July 28, 2011
I used to have a big phobia of being rejected or a fear of being alone and in all honesty I've seen that dissipate over the past couple of months. I feel as though time alone can be enjoyed for reflecting, making the self better and for pleasure and work/passion pursuits. I'm also enjoying time with others. I think when the fear of being rejected is gone you can actually become closer to ppl and get to know them better. When you love yourself and know that you're worthy all relationships improve as well. I've never been a social butterfly per say and I have a ways to go but the networking I've been forcing myself into, social interactions and well the fact that I live in a very busy house is forcing me to get used to being around ppl and I think I'll benefit from this in the long run.
I have a pretty small circle of people I'll actually make an effort to spend time with. This works for me. It seems the more ppl you have in said circles it becomes more complicated and easier to be sucked into the problems of others. I'm less quick to judge and more quick to empathize now. I'm enjoying even the smallest spontaneous interactions with strangers at bus stops, stores or while out and about now too.
If a smile isn't returned I no longer take it personally. I just smile bigger and know that everyone is fighting their own battles... Sometimes folks smile back and seem to feel better when you share a happy face.
I'm really looking forward to what the future holds. New experiences, new work... meeting new people... I'm just on some sort of cloud and I don't want to come down :D
Things aren't perfect but life wouldn't be nearly as interesting if they were. Since I haven't been writing about issues here or anywhere else I'm more likely to approach the person with the problem if there is one rather than bottling up and such.
I'm not sure how long this growth or process has been in motion but I like the way I'm feeling... I want to continue to improve.
I'm thinking of checking out some books from the library on body language as it's incredibly fascinating to me. Also some psychology books cause that's always been a major interest of mine. I guess I should read something other than comic books right? Discovering the lovely world of digital comics and emulation has kinda rotted my brain a bit lol! Though I am getting pretty decent at Mark of the Wolves w/ B. Janet... I love that pirate lady and her beer mug breaking :D
Anyway that's all I wanted to say... here's a video since I'm not sure I'll be home enough to upload one tomorrow. (I wanna go see cowboys and aliens! Amazing that at the beginning of the year I would've never entertained the idea of enjoying a movie alone, or a club or anything of the sort... I feel proud of being comfortable in the presence of myself.)
As always I'm on Model Mayhem, Deviant Art, Twitter, Tumblr, Formspring and obviously Youtube (if you wanna watch the other crap I have there). Also check out my wishlist (if you'd like to contribute an outfit or thing to a shoot. New cam so my vids won't be so blurrrrrrrreeeee?? or just wanna look at stuff I like?) I feel like in a short amount of time I'll be able to widdle this thing down myself :D
DisplayMode Media... Wanna shoot me too? Feel free to contact me on Model Mayhem, Deviant Art or by Email!! Booking shoots for next week!!!
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Had my suspension shoot w/ CharlyB (I would link but I cannot... if you contact me I can forward you his email and such or just look up his name on fetlife) yesterday... that went pretty well though I'm a wuss about spinning around still. I mean is it super fun to scare the crap out of me cause the last suspension I did I was spun around too. I'm not sure that's something I would ever get used to. Like roller coasters and uh...falling down? At any rate I had a lot of fun. Hanging upside down also helped my feet to not be swollen anymore (I had too much salt over the weekend yay!!)
As always I'm on Twitter, Tumblr, Formspring, and Youtube. If you'd like to contribute something to a shoot or just think I'm that awesome here's my WISHLIST!
Monday, July 25, 2011
I mean I could live the rest of my life w/out one but it'd be really irritating and inconvenient... I'd rather not go more than a day or two up to a week cause it sucks trying to set up things in person with people when you don't have cell phones... :(
Just got a few pics from Display Mode Media! (I posted one bellow teehee!) Very awesome photog to work with. Friendly... chill and not creepy which are good things for a photog to be yes?
Went to the BDSM Pride day awards last night and also met some really cool folks. Ate pizza and hells bells might be getting to do a suspension as a result (which I'm giddy about after seeing his work and enthusiasm about rope.) Who is HE?? Well Charly B (who I can't figure out how to link to at the moment... damn scatter brained-ness making me lose track of profiles!!!) of course!! I've seen him at practically every event that has suspension for the past few years and never imagined actually getting to speak to him. I'd always think... whose that tiny man?? I'm glad he's really kind and awesome and has a spiffy fashion sense :D
As always I'm also on Twitter, Tumblr, Fomrspring and Youtube. If you'd like to contribute something to a shoot or just wanna buy something else useful or see what I like... check out my WISHLIST!!!
Friday, July 22, 2011
So yay another video after being all laggy (sorry guys) If any of you have any suggestions for new videos... be it a blog or dancing again... and for sure some tutorials on tut-ting and perhaps boo-ga-loo (I want to learn ever so badly) Drop me a line!!
Other than that my days at work got canceled sooooooo that means I'm free to shoot (well not Saturday) but free to shoot Sunday the 23rd since my shifts at my day job got canned T_T
I should be able to also have my proposed shed-jewel for next week sometime today or tomorrow.... so I'll be posting about that
FUN FACT: this is the longest I've been on the Internet in the past week... it's really interesting finding stuff to do on here :D
Cal Philips here!! If you wanna know about the other models... send me a message here and i can link you to their respective ports (since I'm feeling semi-lazy and inundated in random multi-tasking at the moment). Another shoot for tomorrow!! I'm so excited!!
As always I'm on Model Mayhem, Deviant Art, Twitter, Tumblr, Formspring, Youtube.... and here's my wishlist if you'd like to contribute something to a shoot!!
Thank you so much to new readers, watchers.. all of you out there who keep tabs on me... for the witty banter... drawings and random love!! I do appreciate it even if it takes me a while to say something personally.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
*I suck terribly at navigating through valley streets
*Google maps really enjoys getting me lost on the bus and I should really start using MTA's website again for bus directions b/c google is mad slippin' lately
*I like nice boobs
*Tall girls with tatts will always make my heart giggle on the inside and bring a smile to my face
*In some ways I'm still a bit of a class clown and enjoy making strangers laugh at the strange noises I make
*I'm most talkative at the most random times
*uh bring lots of under-oos
*OH IMPORTANT ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE A DARK SKINNED GIRL LIKE MYSELF! ALWAYS CARRY FOUNDATION OR EVEN ENOUGH TO DO UR OWN MAKE-UP EVEN IF THERE'S AN ARTIST CAUSE SOMETIMES THEY BE FLAKEY (so you don't spend 60 bucks buying cvs make-up)
All in all had a very fun time, met some nice ppl and have filled my socializing quota for many many moons.Come to think of it I have been around the human race a lot more lately. I guess it's a necessary thing... learn to communicate with the masses or they'll think you're a different breed of weirdo than you actually are. (creepy bitchy weird =bad.... creepy nerdy stuff animal dismantling weirdo who snorts when she laughs= still bad but fucking awesome...
I think I'm going to try to start uploading my youtube stuff at night or something if I can remember and muster the energy to.
I can't wait to see leh pictures as this will most likely be the last shoot w/ this color hair. Then again I'm kinda unsure what color I want to change it to. Not a lot of natural colors to choose from T_T ... Sometimes being a responsible adult is no funzzzz!!
Thank you to all the new followers, watchers, random ppl who keep up w/ stuff I write... and all the people who have been coresponding with me all this time through various sites where I link to this blog. I do appreciate it and even though I'm not online as much... I see what you guys put there and try to get back to it when I can... THANKS SO MUCH!!! *hugs*
As always I'm on Model Mayhem, Deviant Art, Twitter , Tumblr, Formspring.... and you can always check out random things I want or buy an item I can shoot in from my Wishlist!
(I'm half way curious who put my real name on formspring..... jeez why use aliases if ppl are gonna use yo real name and then be uh-non-no-mus... well thanks random person for uh crushing on me. I don't know why... I mean not like I can beat Mark of the Wolves yet. Ok that's really not a segway to compliment gathering... I be sarcastic... I'm sure there's plenty of reasons to like me, or even the obvious and simple, "well you have a vagina" response... it's of no consequence but flattering to be liked I suppose yes?)
Oh expect some other bondage pictuers soon too!! (well provided I like them enough to put them up... we shall see)
What else did I do this week? Checked out EDEN last night... good to have a wed. night venue that doesn't suck balls though... Cheap booze, friendly faces (sorta)... good times!
if by solo sport you mean masturbation.... solo
Monday, July 18, 2011
Do you believe there is a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone? If so what is the difference?
If you love someone but ur not in love with them... that'd probably only apply to family or non romantic relationships. When you apply that to a romantic one...I'm not sure what that means... If I heard that I would just presume that I wasn't loved anymore, not to say that they think I should die and don't care as they care since I'm sure they care about other human beings but it's no longer the kind of love I would want from that person... more like a I care but not so much
Sunday, July 17, 2011
I don't really know that I'd want to sleep with a famous person (not that you said famous) I wanna say jessica white but honestly I'm pretty sure most people from tv/movies/entertainment would probably be really boring to sleep with and pretty doesn't really make for a good experience. If I could think of anyone off the top of my head functionally insane I'd probably go with that person though lol Hmmm Fionna Apple would probably be interesting, Thora Birch??
vagina cup? no thank you
I'm free to shoot July 19th and 20th... If you'd be interested in shooting anything feel free to contact me Here, Model Mayhem or Deviant Art.
As always I'm on Twitter, Tumblr, Formspring and Youtube as well. If ya wanna get something that I can use in a shoot or just wanna be awesome and get something helpful/wanna know stuff that I like feel free to check out my wishlist.
Other than this stuffs still kicking and waiting on pics from a couple of different shoots. Probably looking to change my hair sometime this week. That should depend on whether I'm shooting on tues/wed though. If I'm not I'll dedicate some time to a new look.
Oh normal work has been good/tiring/I'm always tired regardless and some how work is more relaxing, tolerable than home and more quiet. I guess I'm saying that it's pretty cool and the folks I've worked with so far are nice. No matter if I work or not though I tend to dart out of the house before 9am anyway so I guess I might as well be shooting or working right?
Adam Chilson a few weeks ago. I dunno if/when there will be more since he's been super busy but I'm happy to have at least one. That be real fire right there and real fire is uh hot?
Anyway I'm going to try to snag a few more seconds of sleep :D
Friday, July 15, 2011
I have been, it's called narcissistic psycho mood swing bear noises.... I'd like to change the channel now though
trust me... you're awesome!!!!!! ^_^
I know I don't suck but I know there's also things I need to improve upon to. I try to get better and have fun with it... take direction well... I think a good photo though is half photographer half model though...
uh.... I don't care about harry potter, pot head harry, harry crotch rot or long drawn out flashy over acted movies (prepares for the harry potter fanboy beatdown) I have a short attention span, you lose me around movie # 3 or 4
Thursday, July 14, 2011
I got a real people job that I'm starting today! Hopefully I won't totally suck at it and can move out of this place w/ some random creepy cool person. What this does mean though is that I'll mainly be free during the weekdays for shooting.
I may have booked a shoot for Friday but we seem to be in the planning stages ( hopefully this will be set before I head out for work other wise it'll have to wait until nightfall or early tomorrow morning?)
Any who I'm on Model Mayhem, Deviant Art, You tube, Twitter, Formspring, Tumblr... Feel free to check out my work or inquire about shooting/availability. As far as I know scheduling is done on Thursdays (today I think) so I should know what days I'm free for next week but more thank likely it will be weekdays. If you want to shoot on a weekend and can let me know 2 weeks in advance that can be arranged.
I miss being able to have weird hair's T_T
Sunday, July 10, 2011
So As for July I'm free the 11th (if I don't book anything I may opt to change my hair this day though I some what dont' want to either... we'll see how it goes... when things are so short notice it tends to go un booked anyway) 12th I'm free during the day, I could swing the 13th during the day as well depending on where you're located. 14th-16th. 18th -20th. 23rd-29th, and the 31st. (it seems it'd be easier to just put what I AM doing right?? Always going the long way around lol, well fuck it I'll do both lmfao)
July 12th --The Collaboration Project (downtown LA networking awesome thingy w/ movies and booze and hopefully me talking to you w/out snorting like a freak of nature)
July 13th -- Beaver Photography Shoot 6pm to 8pm
July 17th -- Personal Awesome Celebrating my fav teenage girl in the world... (Love ya , weirdo)
July 21st --Alternative Fashion Group Shoot @ Glass Slipper Studio in NOHO 6pm -9pm
July 22nd -- DM gremlin's open house?? 6pm - midnight
July 30th -- BH Fotographic shoot in san diego
August 13 --tentative shoot (I hope I gets it...!!)
If you'd like to book me feel free to contact me HERE. On Model Mayhem or Deviant Art as well. As always I'm on Twitter, Tumblr, formspring and Youtube as well... Send me your vid requests... you're questions, you're witty banter.
If you'd like to help out with or contribute anyway (clothing for shoots, props, hair, make up, random star trek memorabilia wrapped in hello kitty wrapping paper b/c it'd make me smile) there's always my Wishlist or Contact me here :)
Expect pictures from today's shoot w/ Displaymode Media SOON!!! Check him out... very chill awesome person. Will not rape you or steal your soul. OH totally forgot to add I'll more than likely be seeing him at the art walk downtown!
Friday, July 8, 2011
So I finally put one up (for my many months, hell probably a year of talking about it) Any constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated. I do apologize that I couldn't get my entire body in the shot and for the crap on the bed lol... Perhaps some other time I can have someone else HOLD THE CAM... or something... I'm also not properly dressed for this kind of music... Why does that matter? Hell I dunno, it's always better when you look cool... or more naked. So sorry for wearing clothing. I don't think they let you put up naked videos on good ol' youtube anyway (unless it's weird Europeans humping the ground and trying to put water in their vagina's.... if I knew the name of the video I'd totally post it but... it was shown to me. If I DO find it though I'll put it up cause it's the most weird crap you'll ever see)
Today the curse is upon us and for good reason. I had a bit of a birth control mishap (it was thrown out accidentally I hope) so I was kinda annoyed. I rather enjoy birth-control more on the lines of I know exactly when mother nature will summon Ifirit and I can plan around it better. Without it I'm really early or late and I get worried or end up not planning certain things for a couple of weeks because I'm unsure. Of course the shining blood hallway can be worked around, but I'd rather not plan a shoot on the first 3 days where I tend to feel weak. I'm not sure if I'm still anemic. I took some iron pills for it years ago but there are times where I feel incredibly weak especially if I'm under hot lights (which is a killer for shooting and more so for figure modeling). I know that there's gotta be a better way around this? I'm not sure if I should bring some energy shots before shoots w/ strenuous lighting... Eating helps of course. Sorry for the female information... turns out I'm a human after all... puny human.
ALRIGHT! Enough about really gross shit that no one cares about but me. Photographers, I'm booking shoots today for next week. So far I'm free since this is the first day of booking. Don't let another week go by w/out me shooting. I may wither away and die! Well not really but I like to at least have one shoot yes? OH Monday though I will be busy but any other day is fine as of now. If it changes I will most certainly let you know.
Still no fancy flame thrower pics. I know I'm sad too... I guess I should stop mentioning it every damn day huh? lol!
Still looking for agency representation. (or an agent or manager) I'm not sure where to start to be honest. When that happens I consult google. So far one company has gotten back to me. That's the thing I'll be checking on Monday.
Other than that... much much stompy gothy dancey dance for my pantsy pants at bunker tonight. I plan to actually arrive on fucking time so I can pay 5 bucks and not 10 again. Last week I got there exactly at 10:30. While I enjoyed the witty banter from the lady at the bus stop and another woman on the bus... I'd rather have my additional 5 bucks for other shit! Though the plus side is there's no line when you get there at that time and people tend to be dancing already when you get there a little later too. Some random Asian dude professed to being a fan of my dancing or something random... If you're reading this (which I highly doubt) thanks for being kind and not a rapist and sorry I kinda darted out w/out saying good bye. He wrote things down on his phone. Guess his English wasn't very good or something but a nice enough fellow.
Oh back track to random shit. I'm in the works of developing a web site (pay site). I was wondering what kinds of things you'd like to see on it. In addition to that I'm thinking it should be like the one's that have multiple models showcasing them. Seeing as how money is an issue at the moment I'm wondering how to go about this... Trade for something they want? I dunno. I did a shit load of brainstorming on my bus ride of names. Still have to get content for it (of course). Then there's my own limits I gotta consider.... And well the fact that I got not much in the clothing department blows. I'd worry less if the magical mundane job giver floats one right to my face (at least I'll know about one sometime today, though that in and of itself presents a whole new host of.... things)
Ya know I never figured out the Gogo thing... Maybe if I were more inquisitive at these things (IE could be as simple as asking the DJ or promoter at an event, hey who hired that girl type deal). I know the few times I've danced people have always asked me. Then again I'd only be happy if it were at an industrial club and chances of that type of club hiring a dark skinned black girl are pretty nill.... I mean I can dance to other shit but that's my favorite. I wouldn't mind electro so much either. I think dub step and rap would be the weirdest/most boring.
All right time to get this day a rolling.
As always I'm on Model Mayhem , Deviant Art , Tumblr, Twitter , Feel free to contact me on those sites if you're interested in working together or for random or whatever respective site you were linked from works as well. And not to forget Youtube. Send me questions. If you'd like to help out with things I can use for shoots or web camming check out my wish list. (web cam for myfreecams.com s/n private_siren, if ur in California no dice for you but there are ways around this, mail me HERE for details) I may or may not be on Monday since I have something to do in the morning. I suppose that about covers it!
I don't need three things... my back pack and my giant gym bag so that about covers all my belongings
Thursday, July 7, 2011
As you know I'm still trying to re-build wardrobe so any help would be appreciated. On the plus side of things though, my random trek through Downtown LA yielded some fun results. I at the very least know where to get bikini's and under wear things now lol. I hit my spending limit and headed back home after that but I'm sure there's gotta be some decent priced clothing places down there too. If you know of any let me know.
Still haven't recieved the images from last week (bummer). And it's looking like I won't be shooting any this week either... I'm going to start booking for next week this friday... hopefully someone will bite. I applied to a few legit agencies yesterday.... I'm wondering though if I should just walk into one and be like "sup bitches". Well maybe not say exactly those words but to visit one in person so they know I'm not an overly photo-shopped angled mess. The girl on OK Cupid that looked hot in a picture that was angled and another from 10 years ago.... I cease to understand why folks do this especially when you plan on meeting folks. It's like uh.... they're gonna know you're fat so can't you show that you're fat in your damn picture? It's really not that big of a deal. You wouldn't want someone coming to see you whose not into fat chicks right. Like if I put up a bunch of pictures where I look white, all super washed out and the person meets me and finds out and uber dark... There is one thing that tends to happen with my pro pics though. Since I do have a scar on my forehead (tiny little mark) it gets taken off... and the whole crooked eye thing that happens when my eyes are strained (tends to be when I look straight up).
I haven't played breath of fire in 2 days. I should hurry up and help the people of Tantar get their water supply back lol. I've been reading a lot of American Virgin so my RPG time is well not getting love :P
As always I'm on Model Mayhem, Twitter, Tumblr, and Deviant Art ...
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
As far as camming goes... I'm still not sure what hours I want to do it though in a general sense I'm usually on Myfreecams.com (username: private_siren) 5am - 8am (roughly) on days when I'm insomniac driven. Considering the living situation is... weird at the moment I have to go on early (if I do). I'm going to see how things go over the next few weeks (normal job wise and w/ this) to see what days work best for me. So far I'm pretty consistent w/ Monday's though so I'll mark that down as one. If any of you would like to contribute some items for this you can snag something from the wishlist above or get something snazzy from here (I wanna take more time to add more things, if you see something you think I should add let me know) You also won't be able to catch me on if you're in California for obvious non-creepo privacy factor... sorry. There are ways around this though. Message me for details here
I'm also commissioning custom posed pictures for folks... you can message me at the above email for details.
I'm also booking shoots for this week. As of now I'm free july 6th through 9th. I can book things further in advance than that (for the following week) but I tend to not do that until the end of this week is approaching but consider next week free as well (if ya like). Feel free to contact me on my email, model mayhem, deviant art and even fet life (I'd link to it but my profile is private for users only so if ur origin is here... message me) if you'd like to book something. (Though fet life tends to be the one that gets the most over looked so plz put you'd like to shoot or something in the title so I know for sure that's what you're contacting me about)
I'd also LOVE more questions for youtube! If ya got em send them on whatever respective site of origin you're on and maybe mention that you'd like me to make a video about it. You can also fee free to message me on the link above where it says to message me for details.
Still waiting on pics from last weeks shoot... waiting ever so patiently. And all of a sudden feeling a mighty bit sleepy lol.
Other networks I haven't mentioned yet.... Twitter and Tumblr and formspring
waking up one morning to find that there's a nice slice of cheesecake and a pile of money there for me (on different plates of course)
Monday, July 4, 2011
new york... I want to see some plays and I hear they're a true 24 hr city... Seems like everything here tends to shut down around 2am which is fine but I'd like to be out until 6am at least once... then again vegas is that way too but I doubt I'd find any industrial clubs there, too trendy perhaps...
nope i don't spammy spammer
Sunday, July 3, 2011
So the shoot was w/ Adam Chilson. I saw a few pics straight out of the camera and I'm expecting that they'll be a feast to behold. I thought I'd be more afraid of a few things that I did. (climbing a tire fort thing, shooting fire, holding fire... ) but the fire made me giddy, the fort didn't really scare me at all. There's nothing close to the back heat that comes off back toward you when you're dealing with fire. I can't say that what I hypothesized it being like is close to what it actually is. I got to wear random pieces of leather and cool warrior shit. Since I got there early and the outdoor sets looked better at night I got to shoot inside too... so you have some weird hentai tentacle rape thing to look forward to lol. I'm a little sad that I didn't get to shoot on one of the sets. I really wanted to see it filled with water. I practiced my "stealthy walk" but I guess it wasn't for naught... I'm hoping something will open up again and I could shoot on it before it's torn down but I'm not counting on it though.
One of the sets might get put on action girls which would be pretty sweet!! I've admired that site from afar (I mean girls with big guns that go boom always equals awesomeness!!)
I also found out about some event called Wasteland Weekend. I REALLY WANNA GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We'll see what happens though. I might be used in some of the promo material for it (which would be beyond rad) and a chance to get in free in exchange for walking around in costume (which ultimately solves my lack of costume issue) for a few hours. I see this all as a win win!!
Now to hopefully spend a couple of hours of my day playing breath of fire and applying to some gigs... I go onto kill a giant fucking robot thingy which took me an hour to figure out where it really was. Damn dialog in old rpg's is always so atrocious. Granted this isn't nearly as bad as the first Final Fantasy where 99% of the town would say the same line! I am enjoying the game play though and I do hope to actually finish it this time w/out something weird happening (hard drive randomly exploding lol) I also wanna snag some more neo geo shooters and random obscure shit. Before that I'm getting mark of the wolves cause I'd be pretty awesome if I could not suck so badly at it. The top system amuses me.
Which reminds me (sorry for being scatter brained... I haven't been writing as much as I used to lol) I saw King of Fighters XIII which I had no clue existed. IT WAS GORGEOUS!! If I had money yesterday and wasn't so horribly out of practice w/ KOF I would've played and been beaten horridly but it would've looked really good. Everyone I watched play yesterday appeared to be pretty good and have a good grasp of the game already. (unexpected stop at anime expo for some reason. I think that event has lost it's luster for me. Honestly I'm not really a fan of anime though there are a few that I've enjoyed, much of it is weird, annoying in the style of it and re-used shots which I'm guessing are to save money. Rely too much on flashy colors than a decent story... I'd rather watch something that takes place in America and won't have random things lost in translation, giant eyeballs and hair blowing shots.... ok I'll stop my ranting now)
I'm also booking shoots for this week... so contact me HERE or on one of these other snazzy networks... Model Mayhem , Deviant Art, Twitter, Tumblr,
That's enough for now!
well if I HAD too (ugh sucks cause I wanted to today but I have no monies boo!) ummm... rappers delight cause I'm fairly sure we'd all butcher the fuck out of it
Friday, July 1, 2011
my shoot w/ adam chilson yesterday... FUCKING FLAMETHROWER... I'm still beaming from it :D