Tinkerbelle I guess... cause she's kinda skanky lol
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
Ummm so Saturday's shoot mad flaked on me. This has only happened once before. I was quite amazed though that someone figure to just leave because other model's didn't show up w/out calling to confirm. I sent a message when I left saying I might be 10-15 mins late... SAYING I LEFT MY HOUSE AND I AM ON MY WAY!! I ended up being on time and the whole damn studio was locked up. The only reason I'm not too peeved about it is that I didn't ride the bus down there. If I were on the bus I would've been pretty pissed considering how slow that shit is and how much time I would've lost.
Visited the Griffith Observatory... filled w/ good memories. It's nice not being the only person interested in something/seeing someone happy about learning. It's also very adorable seeing this in an adult. It's a sorta light that most don't have... I'm not quite sure how to explain it... it's something you know when you see it. When someone is really having a good time and is seeing something through new eyes. (jeez the more days that pass the more I'm starting to like the little half humans more and more... I guess since I'm dealing w/ more children on a regular basis I'm getting accustomed to their sensory input patterns lol... If you know where that's from you get 10 dork points)
Bar Sinister that night... the plan was to go to Perversion but that was moved back to Thursdays so I was stuck w/ that place. I don't like that venue much. It's too small and security tends to be low key racist assholes who say inappropriate shit. Not to say I care about what they say as much as some... I find it a bit funny... but it still sucks to be somewhere w/ some dude staring holes in the back of your head. That sorta thing never makes anyone comfortable (though lucky for me I tend to not notice these things on my own since I block out 90% of what's going on around me... a skill I lost for a while after high school and have slowly regained through nights of sober clubbing... kudos to me haha) The randomness of their set list threw me off, 80's to goth rock- industrial/ebm - weird ravey type jumpy music - icky pop music that I wasn't quite in the mood for hearing. If I'm in an industrial club... that's what I wanna hear... 80's stuff fine, goth rock... sure I can live w/ that... the rest was kinda meh.
Then there's the fact that I'm not 18... not 21 anymore... so a lot of the pretentious children aren't really what I wanna be around. I love being in my dancing zone and catching a glimpse of some sour faced broad in uncomfortable clothes staring me down... If you wanna wear that kinda shit fine... I'm going to be as naked as possible b/c I know it gets hot in those places/I'm more comfortable this way... don't like it don't look. Yes I do have a bright gay ass back pack. I don't have piercings, a corset, latex... none of that shit on... (I would still have peircings but I gotta work. I'd never dance in a corset... it doesn't suite my dance style nor are corsets comfortable... latex, hmmm maybe latex booty shorts and a small bra like top... but that shit is expensive :P
Uh..........No place for us old folks to go and dance and be left alone (well not true... the folks at malediction are really nice about not staring at you like a total retard and give up a bit of conversation every so often too lol) And don't stomp on my foot terribly hard making it hurt for the rest of the night (thanks random drunk guy)
OOOOOOOOOOOH drunk ppl are starting to get on my last fucking nerve. So fucking stupid... I don't mean buzzed folks, buzzed ppl are like ppl on weed... happy and mellow, Drunk off their ass ppl are annoying and angry and stomp on my feet or hit me and i have to tell myself they're drunk and walk away cause they're drunk and have no clue wtf they're doing. Though there are times when I miss drinking a bit... I don't feel a need to drink, and mostly the feeling fades when I see folks act beyond the normal boundaries of excepted retardedness.
Anywho tomorrow I have a shoot w/ some metal uh stuffs which should be cool.... Next week a desert shoot!! Hopefully I can fill in some days in between w/ a couple more. If not I know there's 2 days I'd like to set aside for applying as a waitress at a few places... One job isn't going to afford me a living wage.... annnnnnnnd at least they get tipped yes? Though that would be a true test of ppl skills... I still plan on keeping my current job but if something else comes along I'd like to minimize my availability there w/ something closer that pays more :)
Available free dates are May 1st - 4th (Sad to say I'll be working my birthday but at least it won't be for very many hours. I would be happier about this if I had the next day off but I don't. Oh well) I can be reached on Model Mayhem or Deviant Art about booking me for shoots and junk...
Before you say "hey you're not vegetarian why you put dis herrrr" unless you just didn't know that then uh disregard. I still thought it was a cool concept.
Anyway I got this from Gravy Cat's Deviant art which you can find by clicking this whole thing here
Friday, April 22, 2011
At any rate... Hoooooooooray for surviving the work week. Looking forward to shooting tomorrow. Hopefully another shoot w/ Moonstix will be in the works... if not next week the week after (seems like they're not giving me any days that week so it might be the best bet.)
On the way home I was like totally need to go out tonight and dance... now that I'm home and settled I don't feel much like moving so I'll probably enjoy a quiet evening watching awful movies until my bad movie loving heart is content. (oh god how could they repeat the same mistakes of the first titanic? Who directed this?)
uh.... any who... I'm available for shooting April 24th and 26th. (though I'm doubting many folks will want to shoot on Easter... I looked, not much going on lol) Also free May 1st through the 5th (which seems like they're not giving me days this week... I hope they don't pull a shit move and make me work on my birthday though... it's that Saturday. YOU SHOULD TOTALLY GET ME STUFF FROM MY GIFT LIST... ok you're probably not gonna do that but at least look at all the weird shit I want. (though I think the stuff from the universal list doesn't show up on my regular list unless I'm looking at it but I'm not 100% sure of that)
Other than that life is going alright. Nicely tired working on my ppl skills lol. I can tell I've grown by thinking of my demeanor from my first job. If I encountered an angry person several years ago I'd be pissed off the rest of the day. It would really get to me even if it was the half ass snooty angry that some folks get but not so much threatening. Now I'm just like meh.... I'm here for x amount of hours and if you wanna be upset you do that but YOU paid to be here....so it seems like a waste of money. Plus ppl piss you off and then don't think about it 2 mins later or are quick to anger w/out really thinking about the situation. I never sweat the tiny inconveniences. Hell now a days I don't even care that much about say someone stands me up or doesn't check in like they used to... I think of it as... Fuck it... wanna be involved in my life cool, if not more time for me to make some money/rest/spend time w/ folks who wanna be there. No sense in giving a fuck about ppl who don't think about you right? Even if they do if they don't have the nut sackage to show their real feelings. If they're passive aggressive save facers... then they're retarded and no one needs that kind of bullshit as an adult. (if you think this is about you it isn't... just a general feeling though we may have something to talk about if you're feeling that way... so speak up if ya do or remain a bitch... well I don't care but it'd make you less of a lame ass if you say something when things r bothering you, I promise I don't bite... the unwilling ;) )))))
I think I'm at a point w/ friendships to where I'm enjoying not having a shit load of close friends. I'm for sure not ready to handle anyone's baggage but that of my relationship and my own mental problems at the moment. (not to say my relationship has much... it's actually going very well.)
I'm sure before I know it I'll be ready for a friendship, a close one... it'll come w/out much effort as they have in the past... if it doesn't (though I know it will) I'm fine w/ that too... shit has a way of falling into line when it needs to.
O....K I'm done rambling... (sorry about that...) I'm going to get back to resting...
(why is that image there? Just cause I want that outfit but I think the corset is the only thing for sale on that site booooooooooooooooooooooo)
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
May 1st through the 3rd
Looking forward to shooting Saturday. At least it's a late shoot so I won't be terribly tired. I might even have enough energy afterward to cut a nice rug (though that will depend if I have a shoot Sunday/how early it is... I may just head in early and catch up on some sleep.)
As far as all else goes...work is tiring. I haven't been so sore in a long while. I mean I've been "good" sore but this kind of sore is not so pleasurable. Birthday coming up on the 7th. I was super excited about it 2 months ago and now my excitement has kinda trickled down into some menial puddle. Don't really have any plans... hopefully I can treat myself to a gift and enjoy a nice quiet day/evening... I'm not really expecting much though. Last year was really nice but I suppose everyone is in a different place now. I'll probably never have that kind of birthday again.
Still updating Deviant Art w/ new and old works. (It's a slow process) If I haven't thanked you yet... I apologize. I've been lacking in the energy department lately.
I wish I still had the energy of a ten year old and that short of an attention span. Days sure felt longer back then haha.
Feel free to check me out on Model Mayhem, Twitter and Tumblr as well (work, fun, shits and giggles etc.)
Alright I'm off to spend my Victoria Secret gift card that I've been hording for the month lol....
(Lana Kane shoot in the works... for VERY SOON (I hope lol) Hopefully I won't look like too much of an idiot lol It's always difficult to pick characters to cosplay as when you're dark skinned... but I'll do it to the best of my ability.)
erm why did you stick me in self deprecating bones in skin? of course I don't believe in the boogy man though, unicorns, or santa clause... so I probably wouldn't be asking useless questions that would go unanswered :-/
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
SS shit kicker... (perhaps the SS part needs some re-thinking hahaha)
That's an interesting question... The only person who really checks in on me, does things for me... makes sure I'm ok is my b/f... uh guess we met at a rave or was it a party, can't quite remember which came first. Time seems to blend together though I'd say I really "met" him at a photoshoot... I'm glad we finally got to really talk to one another :)
Monday, April 18, 2011
hmmm telekinesis, psychic ability, super healing (that way I could cut off my toes like frick chick from heros when I get bored. Well naw but at least I'd never be hungover or have back pain... that'd be swell)
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Other than that... today's first day of day of work (sorta... more training stuff). It went pretty well. I'm starting 6 days of work in a row. been a long while since I've had to do that. I'm excited (cause I'll actually be in my area getting hands on stuff tomorrow)... but I'm also dead tired from walking and playing DDR haha... such an awesome machine there!
Later on tonight going to a fetish dungeon... that should be cool. (even though I'm not expecting to have any play time though.) Good thing I don't work super early tomorrow... (woot woot sleeping in sorta!!)
Ooooo and yesterday's shoot... hoping to get pics from that soon. Really nice fellow. I'll post a pic up once I receive it.
Since I'm free next Saturday/Sunday perhaps I can visit perversion next week and have a gothling goodwill shopping/sewing day ^_^
Friday, April 15, 2011
Any who back to the original rambling. Beautiful scenery but fucking the bugs... my head still feels a bit itchy. I think I'm going to have to give my hair a good washing. It's been a month since I had it officially straightened anyway so no harm no foul I guess lol. It was a good hike though. Fresh air and spending the day w/ my love cracking jokes and being his silly cute self was quite wonderful. I enjoyed the back and forths b/t him and the photog (two weirdos of a similar breed)
It also made me feel a bit better in that I generally have a hard time meeting folks who make me really laugh being comfortable (my brain is always doing shit). It was pointed out to me that when shooting I'm happier, carefree... comfortable. This is generally true. I do enjoy it very much so and become overly talkative and giggly.
I saw ducks, green streams and giant beetles that tried to consume me but I ran... I ran like the bug scare-deee-cat I am... and I live to run another day!!!!
Have another shoot today (I hope it will be half as enjoyable as yesterdays) then it's first official day of working (and to check my days from inside work since it doesn't seem to work from an outside work terminal). Hopefully I'll arrive early enough to where I can do it before hand and nibble on raisins and cereal bars until work time. I wonder where I'm going to be stationed? I hope I work w/ nice folks. I hope the bus isn't late as fuck! I wonder if I got paid today for last week hmmmmmmmm??!!!
I have to remember to ask about a few things this week too... like where jazz is staying. I wasn't able to get her a going away gift... and I was fucking sick during the week so I missed our last chance to hang out (I'm an awful friend) Hopefully I'll have enough money get her birthday time to actually get her a decent present... at the very least a really cool gift cards or something. I hope she arrived safely and is on her way to being relaxed and all that good shit.
Now to pick out attire for this evenings soul capturing experience...
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Needless to say this leaves one emotionally constipated. Sure I could use other words but I think this paints a much uglier picture. This leads to more discomfort and ultimately the blurting out of all said feelings in some irrational episode. Often in the company of those you'd rather not have access to any of my feelings altogether.
I admit, as far as expressing oneself goes I've always felt more comfortable in the company of strangers at great distances. Those I will probably never meet face to face. Even if I do they're at such a distance that the details of day to day life are lost on me and chances are we will never penetrate each others tight knitted/loose knitted whatever social circles. This is a safety I greatly appreciate. Sometimes this is insulting to those closest to me but true trust can't be rushed. It's delicate and even if one is trusted on most topics, the past often leaves a heavy stone underneath. One would put up walls on topics already verbally castrated for... especially for those like me who don't enjoy confrontation at all. Trust also cannot be given to those who don't trust you back... The obvious is why would anyone trust someone who doesn't trust them. The less obvious is why would you mistrust your own judgment, you're choosing to deal w/ me, someone you don't trust... If you can't trust yourself how can I? Of course there's the if you aren't open to me I won't be open to you thing. I think too many expect everyone to open up first or right away w/ no reason... no common experience... just give trust away like it's in some sort of brothel. Even then though you'd have to "give" something back.
Speaking of confrontation, I could probably be a well versed troll if I actually got pleasure out of it. Moderately witted and a decent vocabulary makes for interesting verbal assaults. Guess the problem w/ that is I get very little to no amusement from flame wars over time. Often the opponent has no wit, vocabulary or even decent jokes. This is common w/ females... I've found that males are a little bit better at this. In the end it just becomes a bit draining as I don't enjoy confrontation and get no ego boost from negative attention. I'd rather be ignored.
I have a bit of a love hate relationship w/ use of the internet. On the one hand I've kept myself afloat using it. I've met some really kind people w/ interesting things to say. Had really stimulating conversations that challenged my barriers, beliefs and all around view of the world. Found things to do. Helps me to not get completely lost all the time when going to new areas as well as finding new places to go to. I love being able to see a place and hear what others think before I go there. Dating, friendships... cool shit to read, play, a cluster fuck of really good porn and really weird comical porn all found here on internet.
The inverse is true as well. Lots of unnecessary arguments. People saying things they wouldn't dare say in person (keyboard warriors). Things taken the wrong way as inflections can't be heard through text. Sharing too much, sharing too little... Physical Threats, character defamation... the list goes on and on...
I haven't thought about seriously deleting any social networks since I deleted myspace 3 or so times. I've learned that chances are I'll come back to it anyway... Just stop logging on to the damned site if it's that annoying. Eventually the irritant goes away. You delete folks some how it's taken personally when they haven't spoken or seen you in a year or more. When they never call you or make any effort to do so unless something is in it for them. People stay connected to those who they publicly denounce as friends to avoid the conversation of why did you delete me I thoughts we was cool? Everyone wants to be liked by everyone.
So what does one do. One who wants to return to a time when a bully would talk his shit one day and sooner punch you in the face than make a hate page or go on a secret twitter rant and blocked status updates. When folks used to actually go outside and do shit rather than do everything on the net. A time when if someone didn't like you they'd say so and just wouldn't talk to you and it they'd let you know why.
I guess the solution is to return to being 5 to 11 years old before people are worried about being cool or liked or whatever... I thought for a long time that I hated children w/ a capital HATE but I don't think this is fully the case. I dislike dealing w/ misbehaved children who have shitty parents b/c the kid is only acting "bad" b/c the parent doesn't pay them enough attention or give any positive reinforcement what so ever. It's not entirely that child's fault... What I do love about children is the fact that there is absolutely no barrier, that they're too dumb selfish whatever to sensor themselves about your feelings and everything blurts the hell out. I get it that as an adult we need these filters up... I wish this wasn't true...Though I wonder how long I could handle the opinions of an unfiltered adults? Perhaps things are better as they are. I don't give a shit what most have to say and most who offer it up w/out provocation don't say anything particularly enlightening anyway. Just the closed off point of view of a uninfromed inbecile. At least if you rarely talk ppl can wonder about you being an asshole or an idiot... Let them wonder, let them have cake...
(turned on spell check and had no spelling errors save "myspace" Got to admit I'm getting better, getting better all the time...)
more of brick's work can be found here
Monday, April 11, 2011
I'd nuke the fucker from a safe location... save 500 southern big booty historic black college tip drill video hoe's with me and relocate to europe . . . live in a fuckin castle and do crack all day.
I'm free from the 12th through the 15th (well as of right at this moment). Depending on how things go I'll be making some other plans to keep busy.
Free for shooting just about everything (especially if it's a really odd idea w/ props, or silly... fun!).
So please contact me on Model Mayhem or Deviant Art and let me know if you'd like to shoot or need a Gogo... weirdo...
The past week has been really good. I'm really excited to start saving up, being busy and complaining about work.
That is all....
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Anyway onto what I logged on here to write about half cold w/ the sun peeking in and out from behind the clouds.
Yesterday's shoot was pretty cool. Really nice guy and pretty interesting to see how he actually "painted w/ light". I figured it was all photo shopped in post production; didn't realize it was sorta a literal thing. Guess ya learn something new each day huh :)
This will probably be my last shoot for a while until I figure out a good routine. I'm guessing after a week or 2 I should fall right into place w/ that.
More thoughts crossed my mind being in an area I hadn't seen in 10 years. I was 16 back then. A time filled w/ rape, a first b/f, antidepressants, lots of self doubt and worry over things that I now wouldn't give much thought to.
What stuck out in my mind was the fact that I used to go to my ex's job after school sometimes and bring him lunch. Wait around in the book store until he was off and ride the bus home w/ him.
Home life was pretty tumultuous at that time. Come to think of it, home life was never really normal. There was always something afoot.
I think a lot of my restless nature comes from how home used to be.
As far as the here and now goes... things are relatively calm. A calm I haven't had in a long while. I can gather that I will wake up and not be harmed. The same folks will be here or be gone by their respective times. There's a bit of a routine that's about to change slightly but I welcome these changes.
I'm eating better and feeling better (though I do have slip ups of burgers here and there which I think is hindering my progress in the feeling 100% awesome department... a certain amount of meat makes my stomach upset now a days).
Relationships are flowing in the places they need to be in, I think. I guess you can't be everything to all people at all times. I don't stress it any longer. I understand that folks need to do what's in the best interest of self first.
I'm feeling pretty good about life... having an optimism that I haven't felt in a long while. I think I've finally got a handle on most of the negative thoughts that used to cohabit my brain (well they're in there still I'm sure but not as persistent as in the past)
To those out there dealing w/ depression, alcohol abuse, self image issues... pessimistic thoughts about the past.... Think of where you are now. Figure out why you're choosing to have these feelings about things. If they're really from deep w/in you or influenced by others... and why you're latching onto them. Examining yourself is a difficult... annoying process that few will ever attempt to do (most avoid being alone long enough to even attempt to do such. When all others are gone you only have you to blame for your stake in life right?) I won't give some sappy fucking "you gonna be alright" shit to you. I will say that it is possible for you to start on a path to make yourself happier but it's a long hard road to get there. You'll need a support system. You may have to let go of some connections during this. You might have to detach for a while... those who understand will be around when ready to reconnect... those who don't well you're probably not right for one another anyway... plenty of fish in the sea all that crap.
I'm looking forward to today and tomorrow. To getting some fresh air, painting, working and dancing one last time w/ someone whose been through a bit of the ringer w/ me. Who I appreciate still being around. I'm saddened (more so than I even initially realized) that she's leaving but I know the the move will be for the better for her. There's a lot that I admire there....
lightbrite's port here very easy to work w/... stand up cool dude )
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Yesterday's shoot was pretty fun. I can't wait to get all the pics back. I already got a few and they're looking pretty cool. I think all the squatting I've been doing has made my thighs a lot stronger... holding a squat position now w/out shaking, pretty cool to be able to do that. After seeing the very flexible curvy fancy haired lady yesterday whose name eludes me (I fucking suck w/ names... I apologize for that) makes me want to super up the level of yoga I've been doing. I've been ok the very basic stuff for about a month or so. I might search around amazon in a few weeks to see if I can find some intermediate works and perhaps some harder pilates workouts (though those already hurt tremendously already.)
(thought freeze, special k singing Aesthetic Perfection... made me smirk a bit)
I guess I can use the rest of the day to relax and then head out for dork time adventures (I'm bad at planning this sorta impromtu things)
We'll see... ermmm new updates for deviantart? not sure if I wanna put all the old crap up first then the new but I guess it shouldn't matter as long as it all gets there, one way or another right? Maybe add a few to Model Mayhem as well.
I'm super excited to see all the new pics!! Shoot tomorrow w/ light experimentation that I've been looking forward to for a while.. I think the weekend is looking up
(jeez what is her name??? I dont' want to put these more up w/out being able to credit her!!!! Ermmm uh Special k's uh... what is this ur third sorta shoot? this shot is by zetsu photography)
We heard no evil, saw no evil, spoke no evil... :)
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Today is booked, Tomorrow seems iffy... The photographer hasn't gotten back to me so I may just opt to do something else. Friday is booked, Saturday is still open and Sunday evening if free.
Other than that updated the new deviant art has been really slow. But it's chugging along. I guess it'll be done when it's done. It's a little odd, I wonder how long it takes for the old page to fully disappear?
At any rate if you'd like to book me (modeling and even gogo dancer wise contact me on model mayhem or deviant art)
(photo of me taken by rachel spurr)
I hope I'm not around another 50 years to find out...
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
it would be the power to make trolls implode upon themselves, re-materialize and then implode again as many times as I find amusing... causing massive pain, hemorrhaging and in some cases death but mostly severe mental retardation and the loss of bowl control on infidels would be quite pleasing
I felt pretty good about it. Was something I put thought and effort into, that I felt suited be better. The nuisances before and for some reason still when i've already changed my name to my own mediocre creation rather than latching on the the ghetto droppings of another... continues to baffle me... but a fresh name in and of itself is a good thing since the old name has come to remind me of really ugly ppl w/ really inflated egos
I'm convinced you are a troll and if you've got nothing noteworthy, compelling, funny to say then stop talking to me.
You already have your "precious" name back so insults over the new name or crap about how you're old and how I'm going to be old (at this point I stopped reading). Does everything you send have to have HOE in it? I'm by no means a tool of gardening. Then switched up w/ slut bitch or some other ghetto slang that I don't care to know.
If you think so low of me why do you care what I think? If you don't care why are you going out of your way to send crap to me? You lack proper logic and I'm sure these questions will either go unanswered or you'll just say "I'm tired of yo azz mentioning me in yo blog bla bla bla"
Haven't you gotten what you wanted, IE your name?! Why you still hover around is odd to me.
I could mention what most ppl think of this entire situation... in detail but I don't care.
What you think of me on a personal or superficial level is irrelevant to me. I'd like to go through life w/out having to block you from every site I decided to make use of. So please make like a good little roach and climb back into whatever crevice you came from.
For the last time I'm not going to tell you where I am. I have nothing to prove to you so why would I meet you face to face. Yes I could stick a dildo in me and I might just do that. What exactly is a Hoe to you? Unicorn Hoe... right because I hoe unicorns? Your wit is definitely ahead of it's time.
You're spending way too much time on a person you don't know and will never know. If you're not hiring me for some paid work or talking to me normal go away.
I don't even understand why you spend so much time googling this name anyway. I think half the hits on this site come from you re-reading shit. Perhaps you just enjoy conflict... at any rate I'm not amused anymore. I won't be responding to anything ignorant you say. If you do have a normal intelligent response then send it... if not I'll just be blocking you from now on and if things escalate I'll have to look into blocking your IP address and other measures cause this is really beyond silly.
Friday, April 1, 2011
I wish I owned a tank so I could run over all traffic, bus's. I'd want it to shoot different things depending on my mood. When I'm happy, confetti. When I'm sad... uh fucking acid rain? I don't fucking know. It should also be able to hover over water. Slap hoes... punch bitches and make me dinner.
I hate missing important things because of the inconvenience of bus riding. Granted I haven't had to ride the bus much recently so I'm getting re-introduced. Still it does suck. I have a week and 3 days more of freedom to think it over. To be pissed about how much I'll have to pay for an EZ pass (I believe the one I need costs 150 or very close to it. Did the math. I would end up spending close to 200 or more going the normal route w/out a pass or buying separate passes for each transit. The bus that stops near me is super unreliable so I'm stuck taking a big ass loop around the city until I get a bucket of my own *sigh* at least the non metro bus... blarrrrg)
All is not lost though. I rescheduled my orientation date (regrettably. I was so excited about it this morning. Thinking of all the ways I could pull my weight more efficiently. The nice things I'd be able to do for others... getting a car and maybe getting some more hobbies too. I can still do those things it's just gonna take a bit more time than I'd hoped for).
I'll still be able to go out w/ a friend tonight. I can't really recall the last time we like really went out to dance and bullshit. Should be interesting considering my sober standings for the past few months. When I look back on everything, I do feel fortunate for those who still want to be around. Who can tolerate my eccentricities and flaws at least to some degree. I'm very hard on myself for being wrong and stubborn too. I do open up to ppl but not terribly quickly. There are others I'd love to be more open w/ but I've yet to do so in a real way. I enjoy their company, wisdom... I look up to many of them in a lot of ways because they're where I'd like to be. There are others who I never gave a real chance, built up a fortress for myself for fears of rejection or ultimately to avoid anything remotely dramatic. Though all in all if you are to truly be there for someone... there's that risk thing... you do have to put yourself out there a bit. There are bonds long broken... some I miss and others I think that all parties are better off w/out. Others that I wonder what I could have done differently... I think relationships, friendship, romantic, family... all possible kinds will bewilder me to an extent. All the logic I try to place on them doesn't always seem to fit. I feel very Vulcan sometimes. Adhering to these rules of logic and calm to control overwhelming passionate feelings that I don't fully acknowledge at least not at all times. Sometime it takes a few weeks to really figure out what's wrong and by then it seems too late. (forgive me I have begun to ramble lol)
In the coming weeks (especially once work really starts going ) I'm going to think about what career paths I would be happiest doing. I'd considered something in the Veterinary field. I always liked animals more than ppl. Though I'm mostly over my fear of dogs I do have fears of other animals. I'm also afraid of being bitten too... which if I am to have that sort of job can happen from time to time. (odd since all this whole testing of the pain threshold that I like to do... you'd think this would be easy peeeeeezeeee lol ) Option 2 would be some for of child psychology. I'd especially like to work w/ abused children or those in foster care. I've come from both backgrounds. There are times when I miss knowing that at a certain time in the week I can talk to a totally non involved party about what ever I want. Something freeing in that. I know that having that experience made me a less likely to act rash as I was prone to do. I don't think I really appreciated it as much at the time as I would now... I can see it's benefit...
Alright guess I should yoga, shower, pick out tomorrows night time outfit, eat something, go to the bank, finish watching black snake moan...