Saturday, April 27, 2013

If you close your eyes you can listen for turbulence

So what's been going on lately? I've returned back to to do cam shows (In case you hadn't noticed that just yet). It's been well, different. I guess I have to expect some adjustment time. Different site, different features (or lack of other features) etc. While I did run into a couple of familiar s/n's most of the folks I was used to talking to have disappeared which can be expected. I'm not going to sugar coat it... income drop between this site and using streamate has been very noticeable. This was a huge worry in returning to this site and a major factor in why I stopped working here in the first place. I know there are a few obvious reasons for this. New to the site again means working from the very bottom. No shoots on kinks other sites so there's a pretty huge chance that no one knows who the hell I am. Some lack of key features found on virtually every site on the web. (cam2cam, phone, 1on1 chat, voyeur  models ability to fully block any troll at will not just kick them for the day, I mean really it would be nice to not be called nigger by the same asshole a week after their "ban" every few weeks :/) Some connectivity issues, not sure if it's the site or the members but a good deal of my privates have resulted in... well awkward disconnects which wasn't even an issue even when working from home on a dsl connection. The traffic on the site is well slow and it's PAINFUL trying to start a normal conversation with anyone there and being called a slut upon room entering is kinda insulting. Granted it says "this bla bla bla slut multiple orgasms" and most tweets mentioning models is followed by slut or whore etc. No I didn't write that and I don't believe I have the power to change the text either.

I don't know if this particular site fits my particular style of camming in general. While I am into kinky things... I do like to keep free chat as a cool hang out where people can get to know me and keep the sexual talk to a virtual minimum. I feel like that should be saved for private. Many expect for me to do hardcore shit in the free chat. While I'm not sure if this is allowed in free chat (most likely it is) it's not something I'm big on doing. Folks who aren't paying shouldn't be seeing such things. Plus the fact that the cam giving a peek at the shows a little bit too often IMO but meh...

I do recall asking someone for advice on how to improve shows and such and they simply mentioned things I had already been doing. I don't know that this is a site that I can get the same or nearly same stable pay that I was receiving at the other. I'm a bit worried but I'm not letting that stifle me into inaction. It seems that this should be a time to focus a bit more on doing photo shoots again. I've missed doing them and it has certainly been a long while since I've done one (about a month ago, a pretty huge gap for me).

I've noticed that I will often not take risks because things are not optimal. Things will never be optimal and if I don't try then it's almost certain that failure will be eminent.

While I wouldn't necessarily leave the site once I got my home set up back; I don't think this kind of site can support me doing this full time as I have been doing for the past few years.

I guess I'll try different times, different things and see what catches...

Also not allowed to wear any logos etc... so that knocks out a good percentage of my wardrobe which creates another issue and another venue for conversation building (kinda easier to build a conversation around gaming if I can actually show my game collection/xbox to people... guess I can always bring my headset and imagine... or wearing a nerdy game shirt might lead one to come check me out and talk about it)

Is it time to consider other avenues of employment? Well considering this past week I've heard of far too many folks having mundane job troubles more than ever I'm doubtful that would make a difference though technically I do have a "day job" even if it does happen to be once every 3-5 months :/

I feel like I've gone through this before...

Many have asked "what happened with your old studio" etc. "we thought you were doing well" I thought the same thing and to be perfectly honest I couldn't tell you what happened. To my knowledge I was on a constant improvement rate (at least before new management took over). At that time I fell ill and was told I had too many "unexcused absences" I don't quite compute this since I was picked up from the doctor by one of the owners or the owner/ and told I was doing so well and that we needed "ten Britney's". The week prior I was given my own dressing room.

I told myself that I would hold off on going into detail about all this but honestly there's very little reason for me to not speak my mind. I've held it in for a while and I think it's very unfair how I was let go especially w/out any sort of warning about "missing more time" or not even being offered the opportunity to bring a doctors note. Granted that would've been another expensive trip to the doctor for a nasty head cold but if it would've helped me keep my job I would've done it begrudgingly.

I witnessed a plethora of things that made me physically uncomfortable. Just because I'm a cam model doesn't mean that I want to deal with girls camming with their doors open or girls actively drinking on the job. I was constantly told by their "manager" of the most self indulgent bullshit that I could hardly give two shits about after the 50 billionth time of hearing how you're so good at sex and how you are far too good at your job and that's why you do not have long private shows. The last time I checked, a water salesmen who can't sell water isn't a very good salesmen. If the Internet is down, I've been visibly sick for the past week and coughing up things that morning and all you can say to me is "wanna watch me dance on the pole" not even asking hey how are you? are you ok? and then going to sleep... then of course that's not going to sit right with me.

"be an adult and come to me if you have a problem" well that would be easy if I felt you weren't a variable psychopath, didn't have a certain hold over my boss or if I hadn't actively heard you say negative and albeit threaten violence against people on a day to day basis. Perhaps then I would love to talk to you and feel comfortable. Perhaps if you showed the slightest hint at human compassion I would be glad to talk to tell you that I don't care about what "drama" you had with people who aren't here... that I'm here to work. Oh wait I did say that and yet you constantly poked and prodded ineffectively.

Why would I want to engage in conversation with someone who if I compliment something on them they react defensively? "oh that's a pretty cute hat" "don't hate on my hat" *confusion* or I make a nerdy joke or play on words which goes over your head.

The fact is we had nothing in common but I was never a "bitch" to you no matter how much you may deserve to be treated in kind. Granted being fired is probably great as the oddities going on there were getting a bit too awkward for me anyway...

You are indeed creepier than the men working there before and made me feel uncomfortable by being you. Not by anything that happened between anyone else or something someone said. YOU DID THAT! People don't think you're nice b/c you ARE NOT NICE! I tend to not want sexual advances from women I'm not even remotely attracted to. I'm not sure if that was you trying to be playful or what reason there was for that but I can say with full confidence that I never gave any hint of attraction toward you because there is nothing there that I find attractive... I tend to be more into subtle flirts and those who can wow me with their mental prowess... not incomprehensible slurred words

In all honesty I couldn't tell whether you were ever sober in any of my interactions with you... if slurring has become part of your normal speech or if you're constantly on some sort of upper or downer or everything in between.

It literally took me 3 tries to half way understand your voice message to me about work. I thought some drunkard had dialed a wrong number to me.

Maybe I answered this earlier but why aren't people adults and don't come to your face with problems. Here's why....

*Being an adult we all have problems and lives and taking time out to talk to someone face to face would only be done for those who one actively wants in their life or has some ounce of care for

*Time constraints

*you being a violent person, not equipped with the tools for debate, self reflection or empathy

*One didn't have a problem with you and YOU are projecting your own insecurities onto others and creating problems where THERE WERE NONE!

*They don't understand what you're saying anyway so what's the point of trying to talk to you?

Perhaps in the future if you suspect someone has a PERSONAL issue with you... be an adult and take the initiative to find out the truth in a non aggressive fashion and you will build more mature, strong and healthy relationships.

If you think this is about you then yes it probably is. If you'd like to talk it out perhaps you can write a message to me about it cause all joking aside I really don't understand you when you talk. Maybe if I find the time or care to talk to you face to face we can bring a little chalk board?

Anyway I'm done... I apologize for not waiting the 6th months I promised to post this... I am utterly jealous that I never did anything with my life, good luck with your empire. (that was sarcasm, I know you don't grasp the concept of such things that aren't being thrown down your throat but try to think that one over)

ps: "hating" you are far too old to be using such terminology... upgrade your grammar

I really haven't disliked someone in a long time and had 0 reason to here until you created this. I'd say some sarcastic I wish you luck bullshit but I honestly don't. I'm just happy to not have you in my life anymore. For this I'm eternally grateful

Pretty sure you don't remember this but this was the FIRST time I met you. I thought you were a bit out there but entertaining nether the less... I really dunno where your issue came from. And if it was ever me not being in a "good mood" in the morning I happen to have a lot going on, all it would've taken to clear that up was asking. The ONLY time I didn't address you was AFTER you fired me in such a cunty way. Why would I acknowledge your presence then? It's not about that you HAD to fire me, that's fine but a little compassion for where I'm coming from (weirdo trying to get a little car and go back to school and travels 6 fucking hours a day to work at your damn studio even though I'm sick takes a couple days off. No my bad, hope life treats you well, maybe we can work this out... NOTHING!) My issue with you is that you are a self indulgent ice queen who couldn't give a rats ass about anyone else who isn't a comfy couch or up your ass...

Real fuckin' talk (all questions are rhetorical... I don't care/need a response from you. I do hope you know what that word means.)

Britney Siren