Fighting the urge to go back into groggy sleep mode and contemplating the best way to tackle today. I could work, edit some videos, run around naked and sing the safety dance over and over again perhaps? I'm in a mental limbo, limba, limberee, limberahahahahaha.
As happy as I am for figuring out well what I need to do to get a foot ahead or at the very least some level foundation, I'm equally saddened by situations of those close to me. I worry and I worry pretty hard. When I see loved ones I may mention missing them in passing and neglect to mention the worry on my shoulders. Not being in a position to do more is a very painful one to be in. I wish I had millions, hell even thousands of dollars... a thousand dollars... to just help. I know that if I cannot help myself I for damn sure cannot help anyone else. I know this b/c for the past few months I've been thinking about everyone else but me, what I need to do. I feel that if I got into this mindset a little sooner perhaps I'd be in a different position now. I guess that does little good now other than to well avoid that sort of thing in the future.
I could blame a lot of outside forces for why I'm not better off than I am but the truth is I've had chances and either let others influence my decisions too much or was too immature to do better things with money in the past. Now at this ripe old crones age :P I guess the desire to go out on a daily basis and be a drunkard has all but run it's course. I guess everyone has their "party" section of their life before being burned out on it and realizing this stuff can wait...
I'm at a place where I'm feeling less regret and apologizing less for who I am and how I function. Unless of course I do something incredibly fucked... I will ya know apologize for that. I don't like hurting those I love but ya get what I mean.
I've accepted the fact that some people will hate you before you've uttered one word to them. With others it takes a bit more time but you're just not meant to mesh well. Some will hate you at first and then come around once they realize their prejudices are horribly wrong. Others will not. Some will shift back and forth like with whatever wind seems to be most popular at the time. Those awesome few if you're lucky to have them will be your foundation, support and salvation in good times and bad... the one's you'll fight drunken men in clubs who like to go into the bathroom when said friends are draining their drainage areas w/out much regard for whether you'll actually end up getting hurt or not b/c you love them and you won't have anyone being a dick head to them on your watch.
I don't wish to be younger. I'm reminded by younger siblings of how painful these ages are... oh god the hormonal crap... the figuring shit out. I'm so glad to be done with that. I'm not saying there's not more growing to be done but I think I've got a great base of operations and it even has a command center that's working fairly well.
So I'm done rambling for now. My heart is in a few different places currently. I hope I have sufficiently expressed that.
I'm looking forward to improvement and doing more positive awesome things in the future!
For now it is time to eat bad frozen foods and perhaps have a long walk to a short bank to deposit short funds and see where things go from there.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
A bit of a personal update as well seems to be in order :)
For those who care I'm mostly moved out of my family's place. I'm working on getting my own dedicated internet line so that I can bother you all more often as well. Working on getting my ebay store back on the up and up and getting a new cam so I can make clearer videos for you guys!
Other less urgent news... my copy of street fighter 4 totally crapped out on me a few days ago. I'm a little sad b/c I was ready (well not super ready but looking forward to...) having my first few matches online soon. I know the only way to get better is to fight some human opponents. I played one at the arcade a week ago though I still get frightened when someone challenges me. Frankly I still need to learn the timing a bit better.
I think things will work out. I want to forge some stronger family ties with my siblings and not leave them in the dark about whether I'm dead or alive. I want to have more nerdy time... eventually I'd like to get my own apartment. (I'm in a roomate situation currently which is better since I can work from home now but I'm also draining their internet hence needing to get my own line haha)
I hope I can shoot a bit in the next week or so once I'm more settled and yeah I'm just trying to take things a day at a time and not freak out entirely at the change.
I hope you are all doing well... and taking care of yourselves. If I don't get a chance to get online today due to all the excitement or well waiting for the folks to install my own line... know that I'm working on it and hopefully this g string teaser will be something to hold you guys over until I figure things out.
Much love and thanks for the support and encouragement I've received over the past few weeks. Thank you all so much!