Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Everything was all good, bus came on time.... transferred bus's and found that there were tiny little baby disease infested mice running around the bushes. Normally I'm petrified of every living creature on the face of the earth but for some reason I found them to be cute. I guess they were at a safe enough distance to where I wasn't too freaked out about them touching me. I preferred their company to the living dead living corpse lady who came on the bus yelling about some random ass shit and smelling like oblivion. Though her rant counter acted the first lady's rant about throwing out dishes cause her kids wouldn't wash them. All too reminiscent of childhood, adulthood and too much of my hood.
Get to the hospital, wait and wait and more waiting. I doodled a couple of random drawings and read some parental magazine that was sponsored by mc donald's that I wanted to take w/ me to laugh at how sad it was. How every article was followed by a I take my kids to mc donald's we're TOTALLY healthy bullshit. No matter how much glitter you put on a turd it's still a turd...You're not fooling anyone... even your healthy shit is awful. You're not the whole foods of fast food.
SOOOOOOO my name gets called after much doodling. The lady was a bit abrasive actually. Not the kind caring type I'm used to at these kinds of places but I dunno... perhaps that's just the way she talks lol. So I got that uncomfortable pre-interview done. She informed me that I was never diagnosed w/ BPD... that I was being treated for depression before. I'm not 100% sure how I feel about that. I do remember asking the therapist when I was younger what was wrong w/ me, her saying something about borderline but I guess she never said "hey you got a personality disorder ya crazy bitch ha he ha ha HA!" I also was never on a cocktail of weird shit that they usually put you on when that's the problem (cause simple depression meds won't do anything cause if you got BPD you probably got a lot of shit going on right? Fuck if I know... I just went around thinking I was crazier than I actually am for the past few years... I feel super duper). Dammit now I gotta take responsibility for simply being a sullen pessimistic overly dramatic introvert weirdo? Guess I can live with that lol.
She did give me a list of places that were hiring (most of which I've found are grossly out of date). There's some annoying God prayer at the top asking to bless these listings. I guess it's his day off or he doesn't work for the not so prodigal fuck I dunno.
Then there was more waiting.... and some financial crap I had to fill out w/ a lady who couldn't type at all. I think I could do her job better than her and be more organized and seem less loopy. At the very least she was really nice and kinda made me laugh.
So now I have group meetings Tuesday's and I guess an official check-up intake thingy in two weeks? If I'm up to it I might go check on the place they told me to go to re-fill my old prescription though... part of me says I've been going this long w/out any meds... perhaps the day would be better spent applying to shit. The thought of leaving the house to go somewhere far kinda makes me tired right now lol.
The way home was ok. Found another store w/ spiffy ass weave and wigs and random ass shit... oh If I had known about these places during my many fun hair experiments.... the fun I could've had.... I think someone confused me for my sis on the way home which always freaks me out. Aside from being nearly a decade older and having some child look at me weird... it's generally not any kind of attention I'd want anyway. Some little dick shit head boy or some fucking hood rat bitch giving looks. Then again I tend to get that anyway even if they don't think I'm her so perhaps it's just that I'm eye pleasing and this is either too pleasing or green eye monster inducing on random ppl who should be more concerned w/ more important things.
W/ that said I realize that I could avoid most of that if I only had a fucking car. Bad side to that is if I had one I'd probably gain a shit load of weight... and not get to take long fun walks (though I haven't been doing that here anyway...)
So it seems that most things are falling into place though I'm missing the fuck out of having some privacy. I'm also not enjoying being put in the middle of family issues I don't care about. Having ppl talk to me about ppl I can't stand. I just can't pretend to care when I don't feel anything at all. If that makes me a psychopath for not having the least bit of empathy or sympathy then so be it... but I've about run out of patience for ppl not helping themselves and only bringing others down and those who play victim and need these types around. I'm so very tired of being dragged into dramatic bullshit. I will not allow this shit to fuck me over for the 50 billionth time. No talks to ppl who don't give a fuck about what I have to say. No visiting ppl who've attacked me over protecting an enabler who ultimately turns against you when the wind blows... a new me arises... the path of the asshole will not be diverted...
I wanted to be a singer... and a crime fighter that could do chun-li's helicopter kick thing lol
Monday, May 30, 2011
I don't enjoy daytime sometimes. Not cause of the sun or some emo ass shit like that cause I LOVE WARM WEATHER (yesterday was windy and sorta chilly though) but b/c often there's too many people out and I get a bit overwhelmed. Being thrown back into city life has a few differences. The bus's are generally more crowded. They run more often during the day and it takes far less time to get to where I want to go. I know where just about everything is and most of the everyday items I require are w/ in a 5-10 min. walk. I enjoy walking but not so much here since it's a given that some obnoxious fuck will hit on me and I honestly don't want to be talked to unless it's going to be half way mentally stimulating or funny in some way shape or form. Ghetto men do not deliver on these levels and try to impress w/ money or this cocky fucking air about them that I found incredibly repulsive.
I can leave in the morning or even the afternoon for somewhere, come back a few hours later and see the same people on their porch or asking for tickets at the train station. It reminded me of that damn racist song coon town... I guess there's a tinge of truth even in racism which is sad. What's more sad is how catchy that damn song is and that it's gotten stuck in my head a few times. I'd listen to it now but I tend to exercise a bit of tact when around family members. They already think I hate black people so let's not go and stir that shit up again lol. Grams thinks I'm too skinny but happy I have no metal in my face anymore lol
I sorta miss living somewhere a bit more quiet and where I can take a walk at anytime. I miss of course sleeping next to someone. I've found for the past few days I've been in the fetal position.... I never feel quite as safe as I do when someone is next to me... well not just anyone but ya know. I miss all that's expected to be missed whatever... cock!
At any rate went to the arcade for a short amount of time for me. I'm finding I don't like to be out as many hours as I used to. Came home pretty early and on the way back got some burger king (that ultimately ruined my stomach. I'm still feeling residual effects).
What I wanted to note was a triumph down the path of the asshole. Something I've never EVER been able to do before cause I thought it was crusty cunt status and rude. Completely ignore some asshole trying to hit on me w/ some wack ass lines that I know for certain I'm not even half ass interested in batting an eyelash at. That felt quite wonderful. "A, HEY!! DARK N LOVELY... A GUUURRRRRRRRL" Sorry sir but I was here for your talk of baby momma's and hitting on the girl at the register and I'm fairly sure you've been hanging in the place all day like it's the fucking park. You're bummy, get on my level... you're not on my radar.
This is not to say I'm the greatest mother fucker there ever was but fuck that... I do value myself and I'm not responding to rude asinine shit especially from some nigga that looks older than I am who seems to find working for a living comical. I'm not even interested in talking to anyone anyway but fuck.... have some substance please.
I guess it's true test on the path of the asshole has yet to come though this is the first big step on an in person encounter. Well maybe second... I'm too old to be letting folks have their way, to not speak up... I'm not so afraid of offending ppl that I may end up alone. I'm alone most of the time anyway and it's not that bad.... so fuck it.
So that's my hair now... (more normal than I'm used to but... they came out pretty nice) Now to go be a slave for my grandma for the duration of the day. I'm expecting some good eats for all the labor!! Soon I have to force myself to cook. There's too much to work w/ to not attempt it... soon people I'll be a full fledged adult. I'll be taking responsibility for my own actions in no time! Still on a self imposed shooting hiatus... after I get some important things out of the way... perhaps I can start shooting again (I won't need wardrobe for nude shoots anyway... though.... I was hoping to do more clothed things, well guess that's what self timer is for? LOL)
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Acting a certain way overshadows whatever pretty words you can muster together to try to prove otherwise. To give the impression of high self image or whatever delusions one may have....
You want respect, earn it. You want love, make sure there's something great about you to love that you truly believe in. If you don't no one else will. Another good thing to do would be not to look like a skank all the time and hang around a bunch of dudes or do whore activities if that's not something that makes you happy. Now I have no issue w/ ppl who are really into that shit and love it... but if you're going home at night curling up into the fetal position cause some dude didn't return your calls , next night laying up with some other guy and going through this cycle over and over again... then my dear you should probably try another approach.
So I'm saying don't have actions that counteract your ultimate goal...
Speaking of the insanity of doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results... When this fucked long weekend is over I hope to get some things done in a different direction. I'm pretty discontent w/ things on many levels. Not just the lose of well ya know but just life in general and this living situation that isn't going to work for long. I've done the room mate thing before and that was good sometimes and nightmares other times. Done the live w/ a b/f thing... done the couch hopping thing. I'm not too far from 30 and I just don't want to go through this any longer.
Patience will be something I'll have to really work on. How to deal with delays in plans (often I'll give up completely even if I'm almost done cause of a delay or a minor problem). At least during this time I shouldn't have to worry as much about money on it's own. Only thing I need to pay is my phone bill and even if I get to a place to where I can't do that anymore it's not a big loss. There's a home phone here so I'll always be reachable...
It's nearly midday... so I should be able to go get fake hairs for braiding today making for getting ready to leave the house less time consuming (will be nice to not have to do my hair for a month). Sucks cause I'm gonna have to buy all the products, scissors and random shit over but meh whatever. I'm still working on getting a normal job so I'll probably go w/ a natural hair color (T_T I know wack).
Don't think I'll be getting out much, (odd how that can change huh?) Maybe I should force myself out... might make me less bored, at the same time I don't feel like being hit on so I should stay inside if I can avoid going out.
Oh... and person who asked the question about erect penis photos...I'm wondering do a lot of you guys think that's what women want to see? Maybe if I were a teenager and hadn't seen it before but I've seen quite a few and it's not special to me... Does this work on a lot of women? Especially a picture of a penis w/ no fucking face... I could attach anyone's face to it... you're not even a person then, just a fleshy dildo and in that case why would I want to deal with you cause I can deal w/ a dildo all by myself. I just don't understand it to be honest. Even nude photos aren't a big deal to me anymore. I've seen so many, been in so many... it's really pretty whatev's unless of course it's someone you're into, that's a bit different I guess, but I'm really not into anyone right now. I'll keep brewing in my pool of broken up w/ ness... sorta... I'll probably be 10 pounds lighter after that... the black women will not be pleased about it. Everyone here is fat or ugly or a combination of both. Not many that are fat and still pretty, or skinny and decent looking... why are Americans so damn fugly?
Any who...since I lost my SD card which had all my pro pics on it... I won't be updating any of my ports for a long time. Before I even decide to think about stepping back into shooting... I want to get some other things established first (school and therapy being the main things I want to do)
Don't think I don't see all the watches fav's online too... I do... I'm just fucking lazy when it comes to replying to everything and I don't wanna spam the fuck out of ppl's profile's... but thank you guys. Thanks for some the support, some of the interesting conversations shared, I really enjoy talking to some of you, seeing your art and hearing how you feel about things.
you can't be cereal... Don't send me anything unless it's money, an slr, clothing bikini, something I can use... I can't use a picture of a cock and they're a quick google search away... I'm not 14 I've seen penis it all tends to look the same...
just my forehead, got it when I was four, fence I was climbing fell when I reached the top of it (and hence my fear of heights that I have now )
Summer... It's hot, which means plenty of beach time and ppl being more naked in public... Ice cream, being able to travel around w/ no jacket, being out at night becomes so much better... I would live in a year of summer :D
Friday, May 27, 2011
Fix my brain, it don't work right....
My back is not going to be able to heal if I can't even sit down for a full 5 min. period w/out someone calling me to grab this and that. I remember all this from years ago... How fucking irritating this shit is! I really wanted to take it easy today...
It starts with towels, then money orders, then mail some random ass shit, the go to a different store... I really wish I could've done everything at once so it would be done and I could rest.
Was thinking of using my day pass to go see Hobo w/ a shotgun tonight but at the moment I just feel like I should go to sleep.
Well... I guess this will be the motivation to not be here cause I really don't want to spend the rest of my days running in circles... this is not to say I have a super social life or anything but I can't fathom getting one if I'm stuck doing this shit all the time...I'm so tired I forgot what I initially clicked onto this damn site to write about.!
Oh that's right wolves IE people claiming friendship and care and all that in an underhanded way b/c ultimately they just want to stick their ass banana in ur... uh FUCK you know what I mean (that still counts as a use for ass banana right?) Need a shoulder to lean on? Need this or that? Why are you so interested in "FRIENDSHIP" now? Let's make this easy for you... I'm not interested in you! Let's leave it at that... I simply don't care to get dicked around, be fuck buddies w/, pretend to care for your little penis, have mediocre sex while not giving a fuck about you thus not putting any effort forth what so ever cause I don't care... Been there done that... don't wanna do it again. When I am ready... I don't think ppl who are contacting me under the guise of friendship will really be considered. Be real w/ me I can be real w/ you... That said don't waste your time. Trust me I helped you dodge a huge bullet here :D
(oh and pushy ppl... that shit never works. Things happen when they do. If you gotta beg for it, not meant to be and frankly it becomes pathetic over time... *zoom zoom ouch!*
Cause the internet NEVER lies yes? No I KNOW I'm crazy!!!)!%
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Depends on whether it's the time of year where I'm pissed off at everyone or so fucked up that I end up having to crash at someone's place so right now grandma beats all you fuckers...
what if your best friend is a cock sucker mother sucker, fucker mother fucker sucker? WHAT THEN!! WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THEY DON'T SHARE THE COCK SUCKING VISUALS W/ YOU... some best friend they are...
Hmm to answer this I'd need to use the equation pie=doesn't matter multiplied by don't give a fuck divided by shit I don't fucking know depends on how active my imagination wants to be that day. I don't practice anal but I do anal from time to time though I don't see me doing that so much anymore... it's nice but it often makes me want to poop... Only my wife will be getting my butthole from now on. Yes I think I'll end up marrying a woman
Ya know for the longest time I felt I had no support system, not a damn thing. In all honesty though... people have checked in on me here and there and haven't gotten "close" for whatever their reasons may be. Either they've moved, been really busy w/ work... but a few of you have been really supportive in this time. I lost a lot of myself in this last relationship. My automatic Christ I fucking plumb gave up at least a good 90% of the principles and fucking moral code (and sometimes lack there of) that I've stood by for years over 1 dick. I mean not bad dick but... 1 person isn't worth losing yourself over. I feel good to come back to what that was.
Thanks wolfy wolf like hanger ons for uh... making me feel not so undesirable (even though some of you I think are out of your mind and delusional more so than I can be) Some of you are funny and have always been straight forward. Some of you don't know me at all... and perhaps we might wanna keep it that way. I'm in no position or desire to want to be w/ anyone... No man, no woman, no vegetable. Granted this is what day 2 of singleness and already I feel like I've come out of the hot sauna and shed some shit I was previously unawares of (teehee unawares underwears *giggetty giggetty*)
Who am I w/out disassociating... and boy did I disassociate a lot during the past day or so... during many events. It's not a fun feeling to not really be there or feel the unreal. Obviously if I'm feeling the need to do this life aint so grand is it? I haven't disconnected this much since my highschool days.
I'm fucking BPD this is for certain. I know this (and no a diagnosis doesn't make you entirely who you are but the reading I've been doing lately, that I've done before is helping me to understand myself that much more) Lack of stable sense of self. I DO chamelionize to whoever may be around. Since I know I do this... (granted this is a fairly new discovery and I can ultimately back it up w/ just about everyone I dated how my long term goals suddenly shifted... did things I never would normally do, gave up shit I used to enjoy)... I need to be a little bit more picky about at least who I'm around cause they will indeed rub the fuck off on me. Fact being... I've never been more paranoid, jealous... in my life. Granted I have been angry all on my own but not violent by nature. In fact I avoid violence at all costs. I hate fighting, yelling... I'd need someone around me who feels the same way. I need someone who is confident, their confidence (whether it's real or grandiosity) will rub off...
Though above all this... I think I'm going to learn to be alone for a while. I didn't take enough time to do this before I jumped into this clusterfuck so I'd like to avoid a bad situation waiting to happen. Red flags everywhere and sirens and fuck. To be honest everyone I've dated was a variation of the first. Either same extreme, far less extreme (so they came off harmless but the harmless one's have bite sometimes too lol) extreme in some of the same areas, gentle in others. I guess this is all something to keep in mind... the kind of ppl I am attracted to.
I'm not saying that all of my problems stem on who I'm with but this is one thing I know for certain about myself. I can trace it fairly far back. W/ the first b/f he was into cars not school so I wanted to learn how to build cars, got into comic books and even a style of dress. When his style of dress changed so did mine. Some how I rationalized this. Liked a guy into DDR got waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more involved in it than I would've been on my own. Liked a guy into doubles, got far too into that... got pretty good at it but still. B/f likes BDSM so do I. Want me to be a subby... I can do that. Want me to be dominant I do that quite well too... fuck buddies of the past re-opening a gaming soft spot that's stuck mostly. Intense when dating someone whose into games. Not so much care when alone. If I'm with a non-jealous open dude, I'm this way... that was kinda nice... wow I'm actually remembering what was nice about an ex long past, well better make sure not to make them a "hero".
"I don't exist when you don't see me, don't exist when you're not here... what the eye don't see wont break the heart even make believe when we're apart but when you leave I disappear"- Sisters of mercy... having a lyric for every damn thing I feel. No granted I know that every person, disorder or no exhibits traits of disorders because a symptom isn't really a disorder unless it causes issues w/ you functioning prosperously in life and shit like that right?
Until I figure out how to well not do this w/out thinking. Which I'm sure if it were that easy I wouldn't do it at all. There are things I'm fully aware of that I have no control over in the moment. IE: there's at least 3 or 4 different versions of myself... Strong self reliant me, insecure childish me, angry venomous me, silly retarded me... bleh bleh bleh I could keep going on. Hell I know my voice and even my mannerisms can change drastically during these switches and they can switch in a short amount of time. I've heard more than one person point this out who I've dated so... chances are it is what it is though I guess it only bothered 2 out of whatever serious semi serious daters . . . It bothers me, but all I can do is if I notice it or if it's brought up to me, try to snap myself out of certain masks. They're not bi-polar in nature, not a chemical imbalance... environmentally triggered... weirdness. My baseline mood is either really happy or incredibly cynical... sometimes it shifts up or down. I know this, does that stop it from happening? NOPE!
I think ultimately I'll probably need medications. "oh no you don't need meds guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl strong will bla bla" ok yeah that works or at least gives the illusion of success for a few months during a non stressful period.... cause guess what... not stress can't revert into weird ass coping mechanisms from fucking an abused child to deal with the big scary adult world....cause uh there isn't anything to run away from. When there is major stress (and rest assured there always is) Whether it be a new job (cause every new job I get at least mild panic attacks that I have to deal with especially if it's w/ a vast majority of the general public IE: being a fucking ride operator... wtf was I thinking. NOT A JOB FOR SOMEONE WHO NO LIKEY BIG GROUPS OF NEW PPL AROUND ALL THE DAMN TIME!!) school, date, trying to take a painful shit...
I tend to get really passionate about something and midway through loose even mild interest. So by golly if we can keep something going for more than a week... maybe we got something or you're really trying. I'm impulsive. I've managed to control at least part of it... I guess being sober helps one to not do as many stupid things. yes I drank the other day, If you had the day I had you would too. I still don't think I'm a raging alcoholic. YES I DO OVER DRINK IF I DON'T KEEP MYSELF IN CHECK OR HAVE SOMEONE LOOKING OVER ME! I know my limit... I didn't drink much, fact is I spent most of the day high on weed. I don't think I've ever smoked that much in my life. Kinda an interesting combination... for the perfect don't feel shit don't give a fuck and the best fucking pain killer known to man. Kinda sucked when it wore off and feeling the effects of the day before but I do remember everything. I kept to my own personal boundaries which from the last relationship I've learned that it's up to me to uphold those. I'm in control of my own personal safety... don't let anyone do anything you're not comfortable with.... I think at least for now I can and have handled it to satisfactory parameters. *pat self on back for shit you should've learned in adolescence but you were too busy getting abused cheese whine*
I still have no desire to drink while going out dancing. Frankly it's a fuck palace and I'm not in the mood to get raped for the who knows what number we're at now. I'm tired of dealing w/ police who don't give a fuck anyway. At least I know to never wash away the semen though you have a pretty strong urge to scrub until you bleed, piss yourself and let the scalding hot water wash oneself down the drain.... BRILLIANT!
So what I need to do is figure out what I would be happy, or at least can mentally handle doing. Food service is out of the question. Unless it's at certain types of places where the customers aren't bitchy pricks all the time. SOOOOO MC DONALD'S IS OUT! I probably wouldn't handle being a waitress in a busy regular restaurant too well, on the other hand... I'd handle being tipped well enough. I dunno if I'm ready to test those waters... I love working w/ animals (dogs in particular)... done it a few times and I'd be very happy in that type of job. I really miss working in a dog park, running w/ the dogs, playing w/ them in their runs... well the breaking up dog fights part was scary... most of the time you don't get there fast enough, a few times I was the only one around and had enough experience to know that shit was going down... most of the time you can break the tension before a fight starts by making a funny noise or simply moving one dog away from another. The one fight I do remember breaking up was funny cause they were both relatively small dogs. I remember ending in some sort of weird not quite half split position going hey guys... please grab one... this not so comfy. I felt so legit that day.
I wonder... do I need AA per say? Of all the folks who've known me before... who have known me for years, I wonder how many would think to go to such drastic measures. None so far... and that's probably the most correct assessment. I feel when I'm ready I'll look into some actual therapy options... I don't feel a need to drink, don't need it to function... don't really need anything but food and orgasms (sigh I haven't had sex in 2 days... this blows)
At first I was thinking the thought of someone you love with someone else is a highly disturbing thought... to be honest though I've thought about it a lot in my head, visualized it (yes I know fucking weird) It's bound to happen. Don't too much care so much anymore. Oh this is coming from someone who hasn't seen anything yet. Then again I doubt I'll be in a position to see anything anytime soon so by the time I do see anything (if that comes) I'm sure I'll be over it in my own fucking shit!
Friends... you mother fuckers... who come around and listen to me during these gay ass shit fuck times. I love you and thank you for pulling me out of my emo I R ALL ALONE IN TEH WORLD kick. Thanks for being random and shifting my brain to talks of farts and rocket propelled rainbow kitty fuck shit... Thanks for being serious and listening when needed. Thanks for making sense. Just fucking thank you. You better know who you are. Especially the two ppl who made me smile yesterday... I, thought smiles were forbidden forever!!!! EVER!!!!
I'm another ex girlfriend on your list but I should've thought of that after some random ass freak outs that freaked me out at the time that one's free spirit wouldn't be so damn free no more.
A tid bit though on sex industry jobs, nude jobs... anything you can probably wack off too. I had slight apprehension about this type of work before I'd been involved in it. Being that now I either know a good amount of ppl in porn who are perfectly happy w/ it. I guess the average person considers solo work (which is solo masturbation ) "real porn" to which I never considered it cause I fucking masturbate on my own quite religiously and I don't see an issue w/ that or getting paid for it. I don't think I'll ever have issue with that. Would I wanna do b/g shit? Not really, never wanted to b/c I know the assholes who produce the shit (and not all of you but a lot of the male talent are fucking woman haters) Granted a lot of the female talent can be dirt dumb or pretending to be dumb because that's what we're brought up to be like... so I guess I get everyone's part in the play. It can be difficult to get out of. Some don't want to, some do. Stripping I have no issue w/... I like dancing, I like money... fusion. If you wanna look down on these things while partaking in them on a frequent basis no less you are a moron... plain and simple. The moral splitting and hypocrisy there just doesn't make sense... By all means if you have issues w/ this type of work, deep moral cutting issues... (like trying to project ur negative feelings about such b/c you ultimately see these women as pieces of meat... so everyone must feel that way, now a lot probably do, but whose to say a lot don't feel that way about women anyway. The opinions of someone who doesn't know you should never weigh heavy on one's heart... ) please PLEASE FOR FUCK SAKE steer clear... While I'm pretty sure w/ my limited wardrobe and all this mental shit going on coupled w/ the onslaught of professional folk who probably don't wanna deal with me anymore cause of the crazy possessive b/f (not my words... their words though I feel in over half of those cases they most likely wanted me to bang them which meh... is what it is, doesn't mean ya gotta do it but if ur attractive ppl are probably going to want to fuck you where ever you go). Plus I'm dark as fuck... oh that shouldn't matter... well ask anyone it still does. I'd rather not be in the next 40 ounce bounce or ghetto gaggers anyway... plus I don't have 40 inches of bounce anyway... lol... so effective immediately... hiatus!
So after all that tangent story book what have we learned here? Me, free spirit, open minded, fragile , overly sensitive, high fucking walls to break threw, mentally compromised at times, strong and weak... and by golly fucking dramatic attention whore albeit yes? Well for fuck sake ppl give whatever label they want to you... I don't care but what I will do is what I fucking want from now on. I'll be taking advantage of the fact that the house is relatively empty of ppl since my last tour here. (there's only 3 of us at the moment) and a lot more calm and my apprehension about being here has diminished about 70% (I pulled that percentage out of my ass)
I'm checking on a job thing tomorrow (oops today lawls) and I'll see some other foot applying I can do during the day... I don't really have interview clothes but on the bright side, there is a really cheap clothing store near the house that I could probably pull together a decent interview type outfit for around 20 bucks... cause I have clothing skills like that and I'm not fat so... should be all good.
I apologize if I've gone too deep into info about a loved one of yours or something else... It's def not about them, it's about me. Brush it off as the nonsensical ramblings of a dumb dramatic black bitch... I'm sure some of you feel that way anyway. I'm not about to try to change you, or me for you... I'm just shifting blame... maybe ultimately I'm the master of my own existence... That has a wonderful ring to it.
And no I don't hate any of my ex's or any person I've dated or banged. I love each and every one of you mofo's... wanna deal with me do it, if you don't that's cool too... life's too short to give a fuck whether you want to or not. I'm not trying to change your opinions of anyone. I never was... I simply do not care how you feel about someone who isn't going to be active in my life anymore. I don't get anything out of you disliking someone... chances are if you hold that view I probably don't wont be getting much out of you anyway. Ask what someone means don't assume... my brain don't work like yours... clever schizoid that I may be (yes know what a schizoid is...)
Transmission be ending here (ranting makes you look bad don't it?)
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Anyway back to the topic at hand, FRIDAY, gettin' out on FRIDAY. I've gone out 2 weeks in a row. Perhaps next weekend I should stay in or retreat to a nice walk through the park, a dinner, torture myself w/ seeing the latest pirates movie w/ a loved one?
I left earlier than normal hoping to actually get to the place on time. Some dude from the subway (Who I recall hitting on me a couple of months ago kinda stole a bit of my time) He was like "I got off early to come talk to you". While I assume that no man is a nice man. When it comes down to it heterosexual men are trying to fuck you... that said what else is it that we have in common? I sensed a decent level of intelligence but a high level of that whole weird game playing garbage lines that dudes use to get dumb fucking females. Even if I were single (which I'm not ) I'm highly bothered by the use of those tactics. You'd be better off finding a common ground which I'm not sure we really had to begin w/.
So because of this conversation, because I lack the ability to be a complete bitch and walk away from ppl who haven't been totally rude (having an IPOD would've totally stopped this from happening!!) I missed my damn bus and was going to consequently be late. Though I saw a silver lining in this and decided to get some mc donalds since I knew I was going to be waiting for at least another hour for the fucking bus.
Dude going in holds the door for me and says "I'm being nice to you cause the rapture is coming, trying to get those good karma points" or something to that tune. Sorta funny. We talked about where I was on my way to. Had a brief conversation about industrial clubs. I could tell that he knew a little bit but wasn't particularly active lately. Anywho my food comes up and I kinda bolted out of the door LOL He's like awwwwwwwwwwwwwww ya leavin?
At the bus stop some pothead older dude talked to me about conspiracy theories. That was kinda funny. Offered me some weed (didn't partake in). All around an amusing guy.
All asked for my number, none got it... maybe the first question one should ask is if you're single correct? At any rate this is an unususal high volume of ppl talking to me. Maybe it was the obnoxious amount of pink I was wearing. I don't fucking know.
B/f came and rescued me from the perils of the bus (thank goodness). Spent most of the night dancing around. Sometimes I fear that I've bored the hell out of him. To be honest the past few times that I've gone out alone I've had a lot more fun b/c I didn't have to change rooms b/c someone else didn't like the music. Didn't have to worry about someone being sick or wanting to go outside to get air. Simply put I could just worry about what I wanted, no one else's needs but my own... while I'm half annoyed that lately at these clubs someone always hits on me (which was not a problem before at all, I think a lot of regular club goers are blending starting to cohabit these places and not having the decency to FUCKING ASK ME IF I WANNA DANCE BEFORE ATTEMPTING TO DANCE W/ ME ESPECIALLY IN A CLUB WHERE MOST PPL ARE DANCING ALONE ANYWAY!!) So other than weird Asian dude trying to steal a dance from me and girl who gave me a retarded look for bumping her arm the night was ok. Music was decent... was able to effectively ignore everyone most of the time (though sometimes ppl snap me out of my zone... something one has to deal with when they are sober at these functions)
Well I guess that's about it... So we're supposed to all die today. Sure hope so, then I don't have to deal w/ fixing these cavities in my mouth, mental health, assholes, and debt... shit I shouldn't have paid my phone bill then.... So what will paranoid folk say when we're all still here tomorrow? Maybe we should all systematically shoot everyone who believes in that shit there in making a true end to the world, their world and thus it wouldn't be so untrue right?
Friday, May 20, 2011
hmmm... not sure if this counts but probably paying for drivers-ed
I wonder if anyone ever stops to think that these are people first and foremost and what steps occurred before they felt the need that being aggressive rather than timid was the way to survive in whatever area they're from... That there are a lot of folks who live in the ghetto and are the nicest most loyal friendly people you'll ever come in contact w/. I think the ones that cause trouble are so far and in between and mostly folks simple mannerisms get misunderstood. (IE talking louder isn't always meant to be rude, not everyone talks louder but it's the first thing that came to mind)
So I'll post the video that made me go on this thought path... It kinda reminded me of something that happened in middle school on parent teacher day no less lol
I guess I cannot speak for everyone, how all should feel but I can speak for myself. When I see things like this coupled w/ pretty much every negative reading I get when venturing out to sites that have virtually no black users (as people feel a lot more free to be racist as fuck on those sites) It makes me a little sad. I know that if I meet people who are used to this representation of black folks (and more specifically black women not being very lady like or feminine at all in this shit) they expect that type of shit out of me.
Truth is I used to have a very short temper and in a lot of ways I still have issues w/ anger. More or less now it takes much more to actually get on my radar. I rarely have outbursts though, I tend to analyze it for a while before speaking about it (and I'm sure I over analyze to a nonsensical OCD level obsessiveness over anything not deemed correct and often take blame onto myself when it's not my fault or at the very least partial blame should've been given some where else) I think there are real reasons for why people act the way they do, no it's not an excuse but... I just hate that people want to curse the symptom of a greater disease... w/ no solutions there to prevent that type of ignorance. We aren't born doing a bunch of stupid fucking shit... a lot of behavior is learned, survival tools... I guess there's no easy fix for that either...
Oh well back to my self deluded bubble of youtube and gig searching and other useless bullshit
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
I do love strawberry cheese cake icecream though I'm not sure how any flavor can describe mental instability... uh..... but if ur around me long enough I do cause you to gain weight and headaches so maybe THIS FLAVOR IS PERFECT!! Then again pork does that too...fuck this question up it's ass
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
I dunno fucking goatse
GOOD NEWS (sorta) I found a place that does free-ish dental work. So I'm expecting to sit on the phone waiting to make an appointment for the next 2 hours but netflix will get me through these trying times. Also thinking of other slacker type shit I can garnish during this time of economic broke-ness and woe (sounds like pretty much every other time of non-economic broke-ness and woe to me... so not much has changed lol)
Thanks for all the folks on Deviant Art who've given me all the favs and kind words. I really appreciate it... I'm still slowly re-adding the stuff from my old profile and new stuff. Though I fucked up last week and haven't booked anything this week since I've been feeling under the weather but hopefully I'll get something by the weekend. I just have to get out of this funk of sorts. I'm sorry if I haven't gotten around to thanking you personally... I'm semi-lazy/lose track of shit when there's all these random ass activity stacks/dont wanna spam ur page w/ a billion thank you's but know that I do see it and I do care ^_^
Alright enough of this being cold in one spot business, time to hunt for food, call the dentist (not looking forward to being on hold forever... I should charge my damn phone lol) apply to some places *sigh* Lot's of typing I foresee in my foreskin-less future, cause I have no penis...
if you haven't already checked these out I'm on twitter, tumblr, and MODEL MAYHEM!! so yeah check those out toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (and all my shit is outdated due to sickness fuxorz)
Monday, May 16, 2011
I haven't been feeling the best (aside from this nagging toothache which I need to pull some funds together to get that fixed... I have no clue how much that will set me back or if I have enough to begin w/ but I can't deal with this much longer. It's to the point to where my entire left side of my face hurts and I'm getting headaches over it.)
I'd just like to focus a bit more on my physical and mental well being for a bit. I still plan on shooting some... but I don't think I want to take up most of my week w/ it anymore.
So if all goes as planned, job fair today, then more applying and hopefully the chance to check up on school (not sure if all will be done in that order but... we'll just have to see how the day pans out)
Friday went to Das Bunker for the first time in... hmmm I'm not sure actually when was the last time I went there lol. I actually had a really nice time. They seem to play much better music when there's a guest DJ. I met a really nice couple and aside from creepy dude trying to dance w/ everyone and old guy on E the night was un-tarnished.
I did see my ex while changing bus's... I gave a half smile... he gave an uncomfortable half smile half laugh gesture. Part of me wonders what he was thinking... perhaps I'd say something outlandish or cause a scene but at this point I don't care when ppl decide to walk out of my life unannounced. It's happened so many times before that it's kinda whatever. He wasn't particularly active in my life at this point anyway. It's probably best this way though it'd be nice to get my crap back... like my CD collection but I'm not so heartbroken about things I haven't seen in years so much. It gives me a bit of hope for recent scars... that they perhaps aren't as bad as one would think they should be...
So as far as shooting is concerned I have nothing planned this week. I might try to do one... but we'll have to see how I'm feeling... after I figure out all this dental shit out.
I hope you've all had a lovely weekend.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Friday, May 13, 2011
Ignore it... unless of course they've done something similar to me then it might have weight to it... or it's about something that could effect me... I might ask the person about it, if they say it's untrue it's done. If it's about other ppl and has nothing to do w/ me I don't really care much about it... chances are it's just ppl trying to make themselves look better by putting someone else down
that all black men are out to rape especially in a reggae club setting, what's wrong w/ you!? I can't dance by myself w/ out having 10 of you fuckers trying to put ur rooster on my caboose? What's wrong w/ you?!!
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
I have other pains... some of my own doing and some are the doing of others. I feel I can't really speak about them. For a while I've been on the fence about censoring myself. I could write about certain things privately and effectively get them out of my head space but what good is it to write anything that no one sees? The bottom line being that on occasion I do get some good advice from unexpected places. I can't write something to myself and get advice from.... my computer or journal on what to do. I can't get a confirmation that I'm either nuts, diluted... or sane from such mediums... thus I see no point in confiding in them.
Who does one confide in? I suppose it should be the weird creepy old men who come out of the wood work claiming friendship. I guess I'm going a bit off of speculation but in any case I'm not so sure I wanna forge a bonding forcefully w/ anyone. If friendship is to happen it will, if not things will remain unchanged.
As of now I'm unsure of how to feel... I think I'm inundated in so much I'm cutting off myself from my true feelings. (I hope that makes sense as I can't be anymore specific than that.)
Sometimes I escape to flights of fantasy, in day dreams I'm not this person I'm actually successful, have millions of friends and make all faces smile... soft lighting abound, everyone is healthy and prosperous. Pain is an illusion and nothing bad every happens to anyone. Reality being... friendship is fleeting. Best friends are the worst of enemies when the mood fits and hurt you far worst than any troll infested inter-webbing sludge or any school yard bully beat down. People claim a closeness that neither have probably never experienced nor will they ever. The wolves wait in hiding for the proper moment to strike... secretly, waiting...
Here and there , tinges of pain... body and mind.... this will pass... it has to for there's work to be done and pain waits for no one.
Monday, May 9, 2011
I'm pretty sure you could ask any women that, not something I think about to be honest... ahem I'm more curious as to who this is grey shadow... but I may never know lol
Starting to book for the next week. I'm currently booking for May 16th - 22nd.
I'm also hoping to have some time to go goodwill and arts n crafts shopping. I haven't had a chance to make anything new in a long while. Would love to destroy some t-shirts, make a dress and altogether gather up some newish things together.
Feel free to contact me through Model Mayhem, Deviant art, Twitter or Tumblr about work... or whatever lol
lightbrite shoot :)
when space travel becomes public...
Sunday, May 8, 2011
private jet... fuck being on a boat
Friday, May 6, 2011
My last and certainly most challenging shoot of this week w/ Moonstix . I'm amazed how this came out considering how freaked out over the bugs in this area I got. The first location it wasn't so bad hahaha but here they just wouldn't let up :( I'm amazed at how this almost looks like frick green screen to me... that area was very beautiful and a total adventure to find. (since our original planned location was covered w/ water lol) Always great seeing you... can't wait to hang out again!!!
WOOT WOOT 3 shoots in one week!! Don't think I've ever done that before. LOL Now that I've acknowledged it I probably won't have another in a while (Let's not let that happen!!!)
I'm booking shoots for next week as I type this!! (May 9th -15th) If you'd like to book something further into the future I can handle that too though I don't like to plan that far ahead on a regular basis as one never knows what's going to be coming up and such.
Thanks for reading, watching, and junk... off to finish pic editing, watch some more Xena and get outside for a nice walk.
I'm not sure cause the past really sucks for us black folks... I think I'd like to zoom the the future and see if we're still in the same spot
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Burgers cause it's the only thing I can make half way decent
At any rate I've had 2 shoots this week... awaiting the many awesome pictures to update Deviant Art, Model Mayhem and Tumblr with...I have another shoot w/ Moonstix today which should prove to be very fun and yield awesome beautiful results. Plus he's just really cool to be around. I predict the ride will be long and hot but well worth the trip.
I'm booking shoots for next week (may 9th - 12th) I'll spend a few days looking for a more suitable (closer) job... and in the mean time be on my hustle game (woot woot ugh) lol...
Also got some mysterious package in the mail, guessing it's a birthday gift from an anonymous someone... I'd like to say thanks but 1 it's half creepy that someone sent me that gift in the mail w/ no name on the package and 2 how do you know my name? So my guess would be I'd have to know you in some capacity (though if I know you why would you send something anonymously :-/) My hope is to have a place soon so I can get whatever mail I want and not have to worry about folks taking it the wrong way... I have many thoughts but all are moot at this point... Just means that I need to not be here any longer than need be as I've already been here too long anyway...
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
My feelings have about fallen flat on the current job. I predicted that the long travel times would eventually subdue me but I didn't think it all would be take such a toll so fast. On the one hand it is a fairly easy (albeit physical) job but not enough hours, low pay paired w/ the time spent traveling and the cost of said travel makes this for naught. Other nuisances aside... when half your money is spent on traveling and eating there's a major problem w/ where you're working. In other jobs I would've saved up at least 300 bucks by now. I don't eat much, don't go out much... but now it's a paycheck to paycheck thing. I feel as though I'm working for free.
I haven't decided on how to attack it yet. I wonder if I should flat out quit now and cut my losses. There is that whole two week notice thing. I could do that. I think staying at this job where resentment is eminent, where I know which direction I'm bound to go in (probably crazy angry outburst city) is well bad idea yes?
A surprise birthday party type deal was thrown for me this past Saturday. I'd like to say thank you to everyone who showed up (as I tend to expect nothing anymore) and thank you for the gift that I'd been wanting for a long while. Hopefully I'll actually get to get out and use it as I've used old digi cams of the past. Granted my social circle was a bit less in a line segment then but... things are always changing. Life ebbs and flows... To hold onto something that's ultimately not doing you any good for the sake of not being alone... is pointless. Though having one's chosen exile thrown in one's face... I'm learning to feel differently about it.
I don't play well w/ many. I'm difficult yet easy... a cluster fuck of many masks... I think we all can be at times...
What I look forward to the most is a significant move forward....
I also had a shoot yesterday w/ Lightbrite. That was interesting and fun as always. Though I ended up smelling like doggies I didn't mind that so much. Random unplanned go w/ the flow shooting can sometimes be the most entertaining. Wasn't there late enough to do light painting but I'm sure we'll shoot again at some point. A Gogo thing might be in the works for late summer. I hope that works out. Apparently there are agencies for such things... had no fucking clue. I also got a free t-shirt which is cool cause who doesn't like free shit.
Today shooting w/ Omar (I have no clue if he has a photographer alias or anything). I know he's just starting out and all but he's a cool dude. I kinda feel lame for the many times I've missed out on shooting in the past... so hopefully I don't suck too much today. It'll be nice to finally meet you in person. You seem like a cool dude.
Tomorrow the dreadful job hunting continues "DOM DOM DOM" ... I think after that I might end up some where in little tokyo (Maybe not... I tend to get tired really quickly now a days. I may just head home).
Thursday shooting w/ Moonstix which should be fun! I wish you lived closer so we could hang out more. This shall be the perfect before I have to go back to work type thing I'm sure :)
I've neglected to book shoots for next week since I'm not entire sure what I plan on doing about the job situation. (or at least put the effort that I normally put into booking shoots) BUT my availability as of now is as follows
I'll post some pics up from yesterdays shoot as soon as I have them... take care everyone and be safe