Lately

Been shooting relatively frequently lately. I'm almost afraid I'm going to run out of clothing to shoot in lol! Things would be a hell of a lot easier if I were on my own and all my things were with me but this is not the case. That and if money flowed like rivers, fell from trees digital bank account trees and drove me wherever I needed to go. (hmmm reminds me, not looking forward to renewing the whole license thing next year. Loathe studying and taking tests but I guess it's a necessary evil.)

My feelings have about fallen flat on the current job. I predicted that the long travel times would eventually subdue me but I didn't think it all would be take such a toll so fast. On the one hand it is a fairly easy (albeit physical) job but not enough hours, low pay paired w/ the time spent traveling and the cost of said travel makes this for naught. Other nuisances aside... when half your money is spent on traveling and eating there's a major problem w/ where you're working. In other jobs I would've saved up at least 300 bucks by now. I don't eat much, don't go out much... but now it's a paycheck to paycheck thing. I feel as though I'm working for free.

I haven't decided on how to attack it yet. I wonder if I should flat out quit now and cut my losses. There is that whole two week notice thing. I could do that. I think staying at this job where resentment is eminent, where I know which direction I'm bound to go in (probably crazy angry outburst city) is well bad idea yes?

A surprise birthday party type deal was thrown for me this past Saturday. I'd like to say thank you to everyone who showed up (as  I tend to expect nothing anymore) and thank you for the gift that I'd been wanting for a long while. Hopefully I'll actually get to get out and use it as I've used old digi cams of the past. Granted my social circle was a bit less in a line segment then but... things are always changing. Life ebbs and flows... To hold onto something that's ultimately not doing you any good for the sake of not being alone... is pointless. Though having one's chosen exile thrown in one's face... I'm learning to feel differently about it.

I don't play well w/ many. I'm difficult yet easy... a cluster fuck of many masks... I think we all can be at times...

What I look forward to the most is a significant move forward....

I also had a shoot yesterday w/ Lightbrite. That was interesting and fun as always. Though I ended up smelling like doggies I didn't mind that so much. Random unplanned go w/ the flow shooting can sometimes be the most entertaining. Wasn't there late enough to do light painting but I'm sure we'll shoot again at some point. A Gogo thing might be in the works for late summer. I hope that works out. Apparently there are agencies for such things... had no fucking clue. I also got a free t-shirt which is cool cause who doesn't like free shit.

Today shooting w/ Omar (I have no clue if he has a photographer alias or anything). I know he's just starting out and all but he's a cool dude. I kinda feel lame for the many times I've missed out on shooting in the past... so hopefully I don't suck too much today. It'll be nice to finally meet you in person. You seem like a cool dude.

Tomorrow the dreadful job hunting continues "DOM DOM DOM" ... I think after that I might end up some where in little tokyo (Maybe not... I tend to get tired really quickly now a days. I may just head home).

Thursday shooting w/ Moonstix which should be fun! I wish you lived closer so we could hang out more. This shall be the perfect before I have to go back to work type thing I'm sure :)

I've neglected to book shoots for next week since I'm not entire sure what I plan on doing about the job situation. (or at least put the effort that I normally put into booking shoots) BUT my availability as of now is as follows

May 9th-12th

I'll post some pics up from yesterdays shoot as soon as I have them... take care everyone and be safe

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Free to shoot!!!!

I just got my work days in... I'm free on April 23rd , April 24th, April 26th, April 30th... over the next couple of weeks. If you're interested in shooting feel free to contact me on Model Mayhem or Deviant Art... Twitter and even Tumblr accounts. (though I think the first two work much better.)

Other than that... today's first day of day of work (sorta... more training stuff). It went pretty well. I'm starting 6 days of work in a row. been a long while since I've had to do that. I'm excited (cause I'll actually be in my area getting hands on stuff tomorrow)... but I'm also dead tired from walking and playing DDR haha... such an awesome machine there!

Later on tonight going to a fetish dungeon... that should be cool. (even though I'm not expecting to have any play time though.) Good thing I don't work super early tomorrow... (woot woot sleeping in sorta!!)

Ooooo and yesterday's shoot... hoping to get pics from that soon. Really nice fellow. I'll post a pic up once I receive it.

Since I'm free next Saturday/Sunday perhaps I can visit perversion next week and have a gothling goodwill shopping/sewing day ^_^

(crappy ass webcam  photo... I need a new pocket cam... hopefully I can purchase one for myself, maybe as a birthday gift to me. Forgive the shitty quality and and uh weird make up, often when I go out I ugly,ermmm fy... an already lofty canvas lol)

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Fun Fact (and other thoughts)

Apparently "slut taking it up the ass" and "unicorn gifts for sociopaths" are a few of the top search phrases for this blog. LMFAO!! To my knowledge none of those things are here... just thought I'd share that w/ you guys.

Anyway onto what I logged on here to write about half cold w/ the sun peeking in and out from behind the clouds.

Yesterday's shoot was pretty cool. Really nice guy and pretty interesting to see how he actually "painted w/ light". I figured it was all photo shopped in post production;  didn't realize it was sorta a literal thing. Guess ya learn something new each day huh :)

This will probably be my last shoot for a while until I figure out a good routine. I'm guessing after a week or 2 I should fall right into place w/ that.

More thoughts crossed my mind being in an area I hadn't seen in 10 years. I was 16 back then. A time filled w/ rape, a first b/f, antidepressants, lots of self doubt and worry over things that I now wouldn't give much thought to.

What stuck out in my mind was the fact that I used to go to my ex's job after school sometimes and bring him lunch. Wait around in the book store until he was off and ride the bus home w/ him.

Home life was pretty tumultuous at that time. Come to think of it, home life was never really normal. There was always something afoot.

I think a lot of my restless nature comes from how home used to be.

As far as the here and now goes... things are relatively calm. A calm I haven't had in a long while. I can gather that I will wake up and not be harmed. The same folks will be here or be gone by their respective times. There's a bit of a routine that's about to change slightly but I welcome these changes.

I'm eating better and feeling better (though I do have slip ups of burgers here and there which I think is hindering my progress in the feeling 100% awesome department... a certain amount of meat makes my stomach upset now a days).

Relationships are flowing in the places they need to be in, I think. I guess you can't be everything to all people at all times. I don't stress it any longer. I understand that folks need to do what's in the best interest of self first.

I'm feeling pretty good about life... having an optimism that I haven't felt in a long while. I think I've finally got a handle on most of the negative thoughts that used to cohabit my brain (well they're in there still I'm sure but not as persistent as in the past)

To those out there dealing w/ depression, alcohol abuse, self image issues... pessimistic thoughts about the past.... Think of where you are now. Figure out why you're choosing to have these feelings about things. If they're really from deep w/in you or influenced by others... and why you're latching onto them. Examining yourself is a difficult... annoying process that few will ever attempt to do (most avoid being alone long enough to even attempt to do such. When all others are gone you only have you to blame for your stake in life right?) I won't give some sappy fucking "you gonna be alright" shit to you. I will say that it is possible for you to start on a path to make yourself happier but it's a long hard road to get there. You'll need a support system. You may have to let go of some connections during this. You might have to detach for a while... those who understand will be around when ready to reconnect... those who don't well you're probably not right for one another anyway... plenty of fish in the sea all that crap.

I'm looking forward to today and tomorrow. To getting some fresh air, painting, working and dancing one last time w/ someone whose been through a bit of the ringer w/ me. Who I appreciate still being around. I'm saddened (more so than I even initially realized) that she's leaving but I know the the move will be for the better for her. There's a lot that I admire there....

(pic from yesterday's shoot... you can find lightbrite's port here very easy to work w/... stand up cool dude )

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It feels as though it's all coming full circle

I'm rid of that old camel on my back. Work is starting to work out. Hell working out is working out. I'm feeling a lot better physically and mentally. I still have a few worries but nothing too serious.

Over the past few weeks I was annoyed not just by life's little  nuisances but by someones ego it would seem. While I can speculate and such as to why ego's were damaged (though I have a fairly good hunch) it's all irrelevant now.

Then to top things all off, at the zenith of my frustrations some new mongrel comes out of the wood work screaming "stop stealing my name" bla bla bla.

What I realize even w/ the name I've legit chosen now. Someone somewhere will probably have it at some point. Do I give a good god damn about it? FUCK NO! There's plenty of folks w/ Siren in their name... Seraphim bla ditty bla blow me.

Ok so irritated chick #1 valid reasons for being upset I guess... random dude doesn't even share the same full name. Should Jack Black sue him because this guy goes by Jack Blaque? Chances are I'm sure the real Jack Black doesn't give a fuck or know who this fucker is.

Why do folks feel they're so important in the grand scheme of things? Even w/ this name change I have high doubts that well I will be effected but said worries of name being dragged through the mud... Hell I'm not even that popular to where it would really fucking matter in the first place. I mean really... but still more popular than the person who did absolutely nothing to promote their name as their persona, alias or anything in general.

So I was removed from "the site"? Said in a way as if I should care. I never got any work from being there. The site itself looks like something I would've made in 6th grade on geocities. Does Geocities even exist anymore? The links, photos, everything was outdated. I think if one wants to have their proverbial name lifted they should take some sort of pride in the product they're presenting but I guess that's just me.

Every point I tried to make just didn't seem to get through either b/c of that person's anger or they honestly weren't very bright and weren't really reading what I was actually saying.

I will say this... if you want something out of someone who is actually trying to work w/ you, you'd get results a lot faster by talking normal, getting the person to see where you're coming from. I went from caring, to not caring to simply being exhausted of seeing silly grade school name calling every time I log on the web.

To be honest what really made me revisit the changing name idea wasn't so much what that chick did but something my b/f said. It was quick and I didn't think about it until a day later. Just that his name for a character he created. He'd be a bit upset if he saw someone else using it somewhere and disappointed in himself for not making more use out of it.

It got to a point to where all I could think about when thinking of that name was dramatic ghetto black people, ignorance and childishness that I wanted nothing to do w/. It became ugly and repulsive to me. (even when I was out the past weekend... a couple of folks recognized me and called me"jade" and it made my stomach turn) I wonder if that was the overall "effect" that was meant for all this? hahaha probably not.

So I brain stormed and a bunch of things that I loved and then came to this new name. I read up on different comic book characters... random shit. . . Started thinking of spells from various RPG games and found something that I felt suited me.

As I'm sure you know Sirens (other than being that shit that goes off that alerts one to trouble or to get the hell out of the way) are those mythical creatures that would bring sailors to their doom w/ their lovely voices and what not. What if there were no voice... could that be done simply in a photograph. Something that has an allure w/out speaking one word at all. Something that was once very audible but no hardly muffles a sound, something that doesn't need to.... And so I became Silenced Siren.

(so you're still reading yes? lol)

Well hopefully I haven't bored the hell out of you too much. The remaining networks that have me pegged as jade, or blaque jade or any incarnation I either do not use anymore or are out of my control... so  they'll long be buried soon enough on their own. I feel relieved to have this all behind me, to be starting on a new chapter of life that will hopefully be free of trivial quarrels, new friendships w/ like minded folks and the skills to maintain the few connections I've managed to keep over the years.

One well used to be important one that I thought I would keep well into dead years has diminished. I'm pretty certain as to why. I know that guys and girls don't remain friends especially when a new girl is in the picture. I just would've loved a heads up. I'm neither surprised or even that hurt. I would've loved a heads up so I could gather the scattered goods of mine that still reside there but they can be replaced. (fuck I want my And One, Hocico and other random albums that are fucking awesome as fuck!) Oh well. Nothing is forever. Cherish the day for the night may be cold... spring will come again though :)

All in all I'm happy and hopeful and all that good shit (Hopefully I'll be receiving my fucking fight stick today!) GET HERE TODAY!! YOU WAS 130 BUCKS AND SHIT AND I WANT TO BREAK YOU IN NOW!!! I wonder if I can get it to work w/ my PC?!! That would be so fucking godly! *dreams*

Oh one more random thing... I finally figured out what those floaty winged orbs in Blazing Star mean... the combo system and such. <3 Neo Geo... eat ur 3 until ur heart is content :)

new deviant art to be updated in the coming weeks

new model mayhem

new twitter

new formspring

my wishlist (b-day is coming up soon)

Tumblr

(that'll do pig, that'll do)

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There is no method to this madness

I do this I do that... I rather hate this "job". Granted I will probably hate any job I have where I have to work for anyone else; I will put up with it if I know that at the end of the day coming into work grants me a guaranteed x amount of dollars. This shit right now is frustrating as hell. One day is 20 bucks another 100... can't live like this. I'm looking forward to that job fair thing at 6 flags in a few weeks. Wondering if I could be kept on for longer than seasonal... like keep it as a regular job.

The park itself I haven't had much desire to go there. I don't like thrill rides. They make me very sick/nervous and give me chest pains. I am prone to panic attacks even on rides that I know aren't scary at all.... at some point I'll have to desensitize myself, well maybe it's not like I have to face weird rides in day to day life...

Well here's some good news- I have a shoot valentines day woot woot. That means money in my pocket that I won't be spending because money in my pocket is so few and far between that I'm afraid to buy food. Speaking of which... I should get something to eat.... food and star trek will make everything alright.

Painting by Pendalune

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All Good Things

I've been negative lately yes? (If I hear this voice message one more fucking time... I'm going to kill myself and everyone in a mile radius!) *ahem* Anyway before I go take a long walk to get breakfast cause  bla bla bla let me stop myself before I go to the nega-verse side going to write a list of the good things in life... so sit back and enjoy the sounds of my keys clickety clackety clack clacket

• relative good health: I got knee pains but at least I can still take a nice walk and not pass out and die. Thinking of getting some skates again when I have a bit of extra money (when the fuck do I have extra money lol). 
• I'm pretty-ish: Guess that's gotta count for something...this means I can cover myself in poop, mis matched clothing and black men will still try to "holla" "wat it do ma..." I don't know know, it kills children?
• Brains and shit: I'm smart enough to know how dumb I am and thus on a futile quest for knowledge/self improvement that most ppl don't start until they're late 50's Kudos to being ahead of the mediocre curve ;)
• Friends: I've got a few... I appreciate that you put up w/ me. I can be a bit much at times... paranoid weird, bitchy... I'd like to think it's an equal exchange of smiles, shoulders, honesty and trust... I don't expect that you will always be there... we all have choices, I'm thankful for those who've stayed in my life. 
• Love: in all it's stingy, painful free-est of forms. At your best you are wonderful and at your worst you are equally devastating. 
• Bacon: There need not be explanation... it's fucking bacon! I imagine the food of the gods tasted a lot like bacon!
• THE SUN: <3 <3 <3
• Neo Geo emulator: b/c Neo Geo is godly and makes an ok life a splendid life w/  ur 16 bits of gaming pleeeesure... ur opening screen, a twinkle that melted my heart... you knew that shit had finally started working. Thank you for Samurai Showdown IV, Twinkle Star Sprites, Aero Fighters II, Metal Slug and of course Magical Drop III... those random as hentai games of the 90's w/  lol gals panic... I will own a machine some day... YES I SHALL!
• Fake Hair
• Dr. Martin's
• Disney Land 
• Gene Roddenberry-so many great sci fi works
• Joss Whedon... I'm slowly becoming a fan :D
• Crayons
• Bad movies w/ good friends

Ok I can't contain my hunger any longer... I bid you farewell... hopefully today's job searching shall not suck ball-z-knees

(wicked doubt on deviant art) When do I get to do something like this? I WANT TO NOW!

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