Schedule Update

Schedule (dates not listed are free)

(all times are pacific times)



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March



16th: kink live 10am - 1pm , RK Photography Shoot @ 4:30 pm

18th: Gande Foto Shoot (time tentative)

20th: Kink Live 4pm - 7pm

21st: Kink live 1pm - 4pm

23rd: kink Live 10am - 1pm

24th: Movie Night @ 8pm

25th: Geek Girl (meet up) @ 1pm

27th: Kink Live 4pm - 7pm

28th: Kink Live 1pm -4pm

30th Kink Live 10am - 1pm

31st: (busy until after 5pm)


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April

13th Party @ 6pm

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May

7th MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOT WOOT

19th: Retro Sci-fi girls shoot

20th: Bats Day @ Disneyland (10am)

Looking as though I'll be free this friday July 29th to shoot

and July 28th during the day time... though I don't know if I wanna push it since I have a shoot that night. If you'd like to book something feel free to contact me HERE or on Model Mayhem or Deviant Art. If you're interested in setting something up for the next week feel free to do so as well. I like to keep my weekends free since this is generally when I work my day job but the weekdays are fair game. (unless shifts are canceled which does happen.)

Had my suspension shoot w/ CharlyB (I would link but I cannot... if you contact me I can forward you his email and such or just look up his name on fetlife) yesterday... that went pretty well though I'm a wuss about spinning around still. I mean is it super fun  to scare the crap out of me cause the last suspension I did I was spun around too. I'm not sure that's something I would ever get used to. Like roller coasters and uh...falling down? At any rate I had a lot of fun. Hanging upside down also helped my feet to not be swollen anymore (I had too much salt over the weekend yay!!)

As always I'm on Twitter, Tumblr, Formspring, and Youtube. If you'd like to contribute something to a shoot or just think I'm that awesome here's my WISHLIST!

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do ya still play dancing games??

So yay another video after being all laggy (sorry guys) If any of you have any suggestions for new videos... be it a blog or dancing again... and for sure some tutorials on tut-ting and perhaps boo-ga-loo (I want to learn ever so badly) Drop me a line!!

Other than that my days at work got canceled sooooooo that means I'm free to shoot (well not Saturday) but free to shoot Sunday the 23rd since my shifts at my day job got canned T_T

I should be able to also have my proposed shed-jewel for next week sometime today or tomorrow.... so I'll be posting about that

FUN FACT: this is the longest I've been on the Internet in the past week... it's really interesting finding stuff to do on here :D

A shot from yesterday's spiffy group shoot!! wonderful meeting everyone... you can reach Cal Philips here!! If you wanna know about the other models... send me a message here and i can link you to their respective ports (since I'm feeling semi-lazy and inundated in random multi-tasking at the moment). Another shoot for tomorrow!! I'm so excited!!

As always I'm on Model Mayhem, Deviant Art, Twitter, Tumblr, Formspring, Youtube.... and here's my wishlist if you'd like to contribute something to a shoot!!

Thank you so much to new readers, watchers.. all of you out there who keep tabs on me... for the witty banter... drawings and random love!! I do appreciate it even if it takes me a while to say something personally.

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Group shoots... not so bad

Granted today was riddled with little upheavals I'm glad that I actually went out there. I met some really nice photogs. Even though I had to buy make-up/random food. Got sick on the way there and then started to feel better and if I think about it, kinda like I spent more money than I took in... I learned some valuable things.

*I suck terribly at navigating through valley streets


*Google maps really enjoys getting me lost on the bus and I should really start using MTA's website again for bus directions b/c google is mad slippin' lately

*I like nice boobs

*Tall girls with tatts will always make my heart giggle on the inside and bring a smile to my face

*In some ways I'm still a bit of a class clown and enjoy making strangers laugh at the strange noises I make

*I'm most talkative at the most random times

*uh bring lots of under-oos

*OH IMPORTANT ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE A DARK SKINNED GIRL LIKE MYSELF! ALWAYS CARRY FOUNDATION OR EVEN ENOUGH TO DO UR OWN MAKE-UP EVEN IF THERE'S AN ARTIST CAUSE SOMETIMES THEY BE FLAKEY (so you don't spend 60 bucks buying cvs make-up)

All in all had a very fun time, met some nice ppl and have filled my socializing quota for many many moons.Come to think of it I have been around the human race a lot more lately. I guess it's a necessary thing... learn to communicate with the masses or they'll think you're a different breed of weirdo than you actually are. (creepy bitchy weird =bad.... creepy nerdy stuff animal dismantling weirdo who snorts when she laughs= still bad but fucking awesome...

I think I'm going to try to start uploading my youtube stuff at night or something if I can remember and muster the energy to.

I can't wait to see leh pictures as this will most likely be the last shoot w/ this color hair. Then again I'm kinda unsure what color I want to change it to. Not a lot of natural colors to choose from T_T ... Sometimes being a responsible adult is no funzzzz!!

Thank you to all the new followers, watchers, random ppl who keep up w/ stuff I write... and all the people who have been coresponding with me all this time through various sites where I link to this blog. I do appreciate it and even though I'm not online as much... I see what you guys put there and try to get back to it when I can... THANKS SO MUCH!!! *hugs*

As always I'm on Model Mayhem, Deviant Art, Twitter , Tumblr, Formspring.... and you can always check out random things I want or buy an item I can shoot in from my Wishlist!

(I'm half way curious who put my real name on formspring..... jeez why use aliases if ppl are gonna use yo real name and then be uh-non-no-mus... well thanks random person for uh crushing on me. I don't know why... I mean not like I can beat Mark of the Wolves yet. Ok that's really not a segway to compliment gathering... I be sarcastic... I'm sure there's plenty of reasons to like me, or even the obvious and simple, "well you have a vagina" response... it's of no consequence but flattering to be liked I suppose yes?)

Oh expect some other bondage pictuers soon too!! (well provided I like them enough to put them up... we shall see)

What else did I do this week? Checked out EDEN last night... good to have a wed. night venue that doesn't suck balls though... Cheap booze, friendly faces (sorta)... good times!

(think my ex took this picture a year ago... I wonder if I look any different or if I've changed much since then... I do hope so...)

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No new video this week

Mostly cause I wake up by some miracle and find that some retard unplugged my laptop (which only has an hour at most of battery life :-/) At any rate I'd like to squeeze in a second more of uncomfortable struggled sleep but before that...

I'm free to shoot July 19th and 20th... If you'd be interested in shooting anything feel free to contact me Here, Model Mayhem or Deviant Art.

As always I'm on Twitter, Tumblr, Formspring and Youtube as well. If ya wanna get something that I can use in a shoot or just wanna be awesome and get something helpful/wanna know stuff that I like feel free to check out my wishlist.

Other than this stuffs still kicking and waiting on pics from a couple of different shoots. Probably looking to change my hair sometime this week. That should depend on whether I'm shooting on tues/wed though. If I'm not I'll dedicate some time to a new look.

Oh normal work has been good/tiring/I'm always tired regardless and some how work is more relaxing, tolerable than home and more quiet. I guess I'm saying that it's pretty cool and the folks I've worked with so far are nice. No matter if I work or not though I tend to dart out of the house before 9am anyway so I guess I might as well be shooting or working right?

so for those who didn't see this... a pic from my shoot w/ Adam Chilson a few weeks ago. I dunno if/when there will be more since he's been super busy but I'm happy to have at least one. That be real fire right there and real fire is uh hot?

Anyway I'm going to try to snag a few more seconds of sleep :D

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Sunday... which means...

A NEW VIDEO!! (I apologize for how crappy it is and I'll elaborate a bit more on it's topic. It's pretty early in the morning and I'm only awake now b/c someone woke me up for no reason. I may take a power nap after this actually lol)

So the shoot was w/ Adam Chilson. I saw a few pics straight out of the camera and I'm expecting that they'll be a feast to behold. I thought I'd be more afraid of a few things that I did. (climbing a tire fort thing, shooting fire, holding fire... ) but the fire made me giddy, the fort didn't really scare me at all. There's nothing close to the back heat that comes off back toward you when you're dealing with fire. I can't say that what I hypothesized it being like is close to what it actually is. I got to wear random pieces of leather and cool warrior shit. Since I got there early and the outdoor sets looked better at night I got to shoot inside too... so you have some weird hentai tentacle rape thing to look forward to lol. I'm a little sad that I didn't get to shoot on one of the sets. I really wanted to see it filled with water. I practiced my "stealthy walk" but I guess it wasn't for naught... I'm hoping something will open up again and I could shoot on it before it's torn down  but I'm not counting on it though.

One of the sets might get put on action girls which would be pretty sweet!! I've admired that site from afar (I mean girls with big guns that go boom always equals awesomeness!!) 

I also found out about some event called Wasteland Weekend. I REALLY WANNA GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We'll see what happens though. I might be used in some of the promo material for it (which would be beyond rad) and a chance to get in free in exchange for walking around in costume (which ultimately solves my lack of costume issue) for a few hours. I see this all as a win win!!

Now to hopefully spend a couple of hours of my day playing breath of fire and applying to some gigs... I go onto kill a giant fucking robot thingy which took me an hour to figure out where it really was. Damn dialog in old rpg's is always so atrocious. Granted this isn't nearly as bad as the first Final Fantasy where 99% of the town would say the same line! I am enjoying the game play though and I do hope to actually finish it this time w/out something weird happening (hard drive randomly exploding lol) I also wanna snag some more neo geo shooters and random obscure shit. Before that I'm getting mark of the wolves cause I'd be pretty awesome if I could not suck so badly at it. The top system amuses me.

Which reminds me (sorry for being scatter brained... I haven't been writing as much as I used to lol) I saw King of Fighters XIII which I had no clue existed. IT WAS GORGEOUS!! If I had money yesterday and wasn't so horribly out of practice w/ KOF I would've played and been beaten horridly but it would've looked really good. Everyone I watched play yesterday appeared to be pretty good and have a good grasp of the game already. (unexpected stop at anime expo for some reason. I think that event has lost it's luster for me. Honestly I'm not really a fan of anime though there are a few that I've enjoyed, much of it is weird, annoying in the style of it and re-used shots which I'm guessing are to save money. Rely too much on flashy colors than a decent story... I'd rather watch something that takes place in America and won't have random things lost in translation, giant eyeballs and hair blowing shots.... ok I'll stop my ranting now)

I'm also booking shoots for this week... so contact me HERE or on one of these other snazzy networks... Model Mayhem , Deviant Art, Twitter, Tumblr,

why is this picture here? Someone complained that I don't have pictures on here (though I dunno why they'd need to be here per say... I mean that's what all those snazzy links are for but here's a daily deviation that I thought looked nice... wow I just realized those are giant granny panties.... uh anyway more work by this person HERE



That's enough for now!

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So the net is back on woot woot

I'm still not sure if I'll find myself on all the time (well at least I'll be able to check out castings and job search things in the mornings and evenings. OH and chatty chat opportunities woot!)

I guess I can understand why it was off though even though it was a some what irritating having to lug my comp around. So the vid I was gonna upload Sunday I'm putting up today (joy) If you got anymore questions or random things you'd like me to talk about or explore I'd love to hear them.

Thank you new followers on DA and for all the favs and the continued checking up on my randomness :) Thanks to everyone who continues to correspond w/ me (I like having pen errrm type pals)


I've been playing Breath of Fire and I'm stuck on some search for REMEDY for Nina's father. I'm a little disappointed that I'm stuck so early in the game when I flew through the first 2 dungeons (one while on the bus getting stared at because I had this laptop out and a bunch of cords... oh my little lappy tends to look like it's on life support quite often lol) I could look up a walk-through but I don't wanna do that (even though I've passed this part previously I still wanna re-figure it out. Guess I'm missing something. I might just head back to the castle and see what happens.

I'm wondering about starting a pic of the day type thing.... though I dunno how dedicated I'd want to be to that everyday. Maybe a pic of the week? Shit I dunno It may just be a here's a pic of the day when I feel like it and when the net isn't turned off over petty crap thing? LOL

In general though my mood is pretty good. I'm looking forward to tomorrows shoot w/ Adam Chilson. I'm hoping not to set myself on fire or those that I love but looking at the pics from previous shoots these should be... really super duper pretty/awesome :)

I'm also thinking of taking requests for custom shows/ pics... if you have something in mind send it HERE!!!

I might be available to chat sometime today or tonight, I'm not exactly sure (as usaual) We'll see what the day brings.

ALSO ... Shooting wise. I'm still free from Saturday on through next week (I don't think I should wait for that job to get in touch with me. If something changes I can always let everyone know... FUCK IT!) You can contact me on Model Mayhem or Deviant Art if you'd like to set something up. And for shits and giggles add me on Twitter and Tumblr oh I always forget Formspring.

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An Introduction done in mediocre minor??!$!$

So I think my thing will be to record these when I can and to upload them on Sunday's (unless...I some how become uber busy... don't seem likely though lol)

I know I should've done this first (well not at the time actually lol it should've crossed my scattered thoughts haha)... well at least it's done now.

If you guys have anymore questions and stuff feel free to send them to me too... I think if I get the energy I'll go ahead and finally make that dancing video I've been wanting to make forever. It won't be great but at least I would have something to link folks to when applying for dancing jobs. It also might be a bit of fun!

My plans for today have been turned upside down but which means I'll have to adjust tomorrow's plans as well but... I'll figure this shit out.

Note to self: I must ABSOLUTELY stop eating sugary things on the left side of my mouth because it makes that side of my face hurt tremendously. Can't wait to get money to fix everything. Dreams of cars, privacy, quiet and...cheesecake, mountains of it dance in my head.

Pics from yesterday's shoot to come!!! It was pretty nice. Some experimenting w/ using flashlight's as lighting. Interesting. From the examples I saw it should turn out pretty cool and moody. Jon ortiz's port can be found here in the meantime. Respectful, Responsible, Chill non-creepy rapey dude! Plus his studio was real easy to find which is always a plus for us bus riding fucks!

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A week in Review

For the most part things have been relatively tame. I can't complain much. Actually I could complain a whole lot but that's never gotten me anywhere new before so I'll try not to stress the little things.

Lots of applying to crap and an interview. The woman said she would call that night to let everyone know whether they were hired or not (and I'm guessing I was not since I received no call). Nevertheless I plan on annoying the hell out of the store until I'm told a definite no cause I guess that's what you should do yes?

I've made a vow to myself to honor what  an old soul always says, "to myself be true". I wonder how true I am to that sometimes. While in denial of severity or connecting any reasons what so ever to short comings it all comes down to how do we move on and improve from this? How does one find their own happy place? What do I really want to do? Where am I going and how do I want to get there?

One thing is certain, the type of dramatics over my early adult life thus far has been ridiculous. I just want an existence that's comfortable enough and free of over the top arguments/situations. I guess a certain amount of censorship is in order when pertaining to situations that directly effect other people. It's taken 7 years, a few passive aggressive interactions, many blocks and deletions to realize that but... at least it's there lol. At this point if you're a stress inducer I'll either be close enough to you to talk about it to a point but if you're not (IE not even a casual friend) I'll just get rid of you and move on... no need to dance around and pretend we have a mutual respect when there is none right?

Wednesday had a shoot w/ Lightbrite again! Always a pleasure to shoot w/... really calm chill person w/ huge cute dogs. I learned something new! That one really loves bubbles and one won't even be in the room w/ them hahaha. I think I've tried to shoot bubbles around 3 or 4 different times. It's pretty tough! First time they didn't come out at all though this time there were a few shots where there was enough of them in the picture. Now we know that they blend into light surfaces. I'm wondering if some of the shots came out the way they did b/c there was so much going on in the background. There's an old record player that I need to think of a use for (well not need but it'd be cool to use it for something) We might do more light painting soon! For some odd reason every time we try to do normal shots w/ studio lighting the cam wants to act all crazy like... I hope that gets taken care of. (Unless it really is just me and I have some sort of studio lighting hating spirit that follows me where ever I gooooooooooooooo)

I'm not sure what's in store today. Rest? What is that!!??? I do know I need to get to a printer and re-fill the might metro pass for next week. I have some figure drawing class to pose for Monday (I'm going to contact them the day before to make sure it's still on cause I'm not sure...). That'll either go super awesome or be incredibly uncomfortable and weird. I've done figure modeling for pictures but I presume it's not the same for drawing as certain things aren't as interesting to draw... Applying at a different school to see if I can get into it more. I may check into others over the course of the week. Guess it depends.

My fav pic that I've gotten to so far... I'll slowly get to the others as well as upload some of the older stuffs too (I really should've been done with that by now...) I also think, if I can pull a decent outfit together (w/ what I have I may have to hold off on this) I can go ahead and make that dancing video I've been meaning to make forever. I don't expect it to be mind boggling, blowing and all that but it'd be nice to use when applying for dancing casting calls and hell I love to dance so... why the hell not.

As always I'm on Model Mayhem, DeviantART, Twitter, Tumblr , One Model Place and NOAW duh duh duh dumb Youtube! Send some requests, questions, things you'd like to see!! I'll also work on making another v-blog if the home can remain quiet enough for that... we'll see. Have a good friday/weekend everyone!

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Booking shoots May 16- 22nd

This week is all booked up woot woot. Looking forward to having fun this weekend and to shooting w/ lightbrite and 3 new photogs!! (Adan, Art N flesh magazine (I'd link but MM is being really fussy w/ me today yay 504 errors) and Tavo).

Starting to book for the next week. I'm currently booking for May 16th - 22nd.

I'm also hoping to have some time to go goodwill and arts n crafts shopping. I haven't had a chance to make anything new in a long while. Would love to destroy some t-shirts, make a dress and altogether gather up some newish things together.

Feel free to contact me through Model Mayhem, Deviant art, Twitter or Tumblr about work... or whatever lol

pic from last weeks lightbrite shoot :)

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Bang Bang Shooting Shooting

First shoot of the week... w/ Lightbrite. Always fun to work w/. Was different shooting during the day light hours since he normally does light painting. I think we'll be doing more of that soon and hopefully some other projects in the near future.

Shoot w/ Renfro Photography (Please oh please let me have spelled that right!!) Very fun, Very professional... awesome person who I hope to get to hang out w/ in general more often. I hope I r have made a new buddy... was nice to FINALLY meet you in person. You're much taller than I expected for some reason lol. I can't wait to see the rest of the photos and thank you very much for the laughs and birthday ice cream!! Get your port up already so I know what to link to when we shoot again!!! LOL!! DO EEEET!!!

My last and certainly most challenging shoot of this week w/ Moonstix . I'm amazed how this came out considering how freaked out over the bugs in this area I got. The first location it wasn't so bad hahaha but here they just wouldn't let up :(  I'm amazed at how this almost looks like frick green screen to me... that area was very beautiful and a total adventure to find. (since our original planned location was covered w/ water lol) Always great seeing you... can't wait to hang out again!!!

WOOT WOOT 3 shoots in one week!! Don't think I've ever done that before. LOL Now that I've acknowledged it I probably won't have another in a while (Let's not let that happen!!!)

I'm booking shoots for next week as I type this!! (May 9th -15th) If you'd like to book something further into the future I can handle that too though I don't like to plan that far ahead on a regular basis as one never knows what's going to be coming up and such.

Thanks for reading, watching, and junk... off to finish pic editing, watch some more Xena and get outside for a nice walk.

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Lately

Been shooting relatively frequently lately. I'm almost afraid I'm going to run out of clothing to shoot in lol! Things would be a hell of a lot easier if I were on my own and all my things were with me but this is not the case. That and if money flowed like rivers, fell from trees digital bank account trees and drove me wherever I needed to go. (hmmm reminds me, not looking forward to renewing the whole license thing next year. Loathe studying and taking tests but I guess it's a necessary evil.)

My feelings have about fallen flat on the current job. I predicted that the long travel times would eventually subdue me but I didn't think it all would be take such a toll so fast. On the one hand it is a fairly easy (albeit physical) job but not enough hours, low pay paired w/ the time spent traveling and the cost of said travel makes this for naught. Other nuisances aside... when half your money is spent on traveling and eating there's a major problem w/ where you're working. In other jobs I would've saved up at least 300 bucks by now. I don't eat much, don't go out much... but now it's a paycheck to paycheck thing. I feel as though I'm working for free.

I haven't decided on how to attack it yet. I wonder if I should flat out quit now and cut my losses. There is that whole two week notice thing. I could do that. I think staying at this job where resentment is eminent, where I know which direction I'm bound to go in (probably crazy angry outburst city) is well bad idea yes?

A surprise birthday party type deal was thrown for me this past Saturday. I'd like to say thank you to everyone who showed up (as  I tend to expect nothing anymore) and thank you for the gift that I'd been wanting for a long while. Hopefully I'll actually get to get out and use it as I've used old digi cams of the past. Granted my social circle was a bit less in a line segment then but... things are always changing. Life ebbs and flows... To hold onto something that's ultimately not doing you any good for the sake of not being alone... is pointless. Though having one's chosen exile thrown in one's face... I'm learning to feel differently about it.

I don't play well w/ many. I'm difficult yet easy... a cluster fuck of many masks... I think we all can be at times...

What I look forward to the most is a significant move forward....

I also had a shoot yesterday w/ Lightbrite. That was interesting and fun as always. Though I ended up smelling like doggies I didn't mind that so much. Random unplanned go w/ the flow shooting can sometimes be the most entertaining. Wasn't there late enough to do light painting but I'm sure we'll shoot again at some point. A Gogo thing might be in the works for late summer. I hope that works out. Apparently there are agencies for such things... had no fucking clue. I also got a free t-shirt which is cool cause who doesn't like free shit.

Today shooting w/ Omar (I have no clue if he has a photographer alias or anything). I know he's just starting out and all but he's a cool dude. I kinda feel lame for the many times I've missed out on shooting in the past... so hopefully I don't suck too much today. It'll be nice to finally meet you in person. You seem like a cool dude.

Tomorrow the dreadful job hunting continues "DOM DOM DOM" ... I think after that I might end up some where in little tokyo (Maybe not... I tend to get tired really quickly now a days. I may just head home).

Thursday shooting w/ Moonstix which should be fun! I wish you lived closer so we could hang out more. This shall be the perfect before I have to go back to work type thing I'm sure :)

I've neglected to book shoots for next week since I'm not entire sure what I plan on doing about the job situation. (or at least put the effort that I normally put into booking shoots) BUT my availability as of now is as follows

May 9th-12th

I'll post some pics up from yesterdays shoot as soon as I have them... take care everyone and be safe

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It seems as though today's shoot is off...

Doesn't appear to be sunny enough to do what was planned. On the bright side at least I got a bunch of stuff in my bag already for tomorrows shoot (which will need darkness so I won't have to worry about the weather being fussy teehee!)

Yesterday's shoot was pretty fun. I can't wait to get all the pics back. I already got a few and they're looking pretty cool. I think all the squatting I've been doing has made my thighs a lot stronger... holding a squat position now w/out shaking, pretty cool to be able to do that. After seeing the very flexible curvy fancy haired lady yesterday whose name eludes me (I fucking suck w/ names... I apologize for that) makes me want to super up the level of yoga I've been doing. I've been ok the very basic stuff for about a month or so. I might search around amazon in a few weeks to see if I can find some intermediate works and perhaps some harder pilates workouts (though those already hurt tremendously already.)

(thought freeze, special k singing Aesthetic Perfection... made me smirk a bit)

I guess I can use the rest of the day to relax and then head out for dork time adventures (I'm bad at planning this sorta impromtu things)

We'll see... ermmm new updates for deviantart? not sure if I wanna put all the old crap up first then the new but I guess it shouldn't matter as long as it all gets there, one way or another right? Maybe add a few to Model Mayhem as well.

I'm super excited to see all the new pics!! Shoot tomorrow w/ light experimentation that I've been looking forward to for a while.. I think the weekend is looking up

(jeez what is her name??? I dont' want to put these more up w/out being able to credit her!!!! Ermmm uh Special k's uh... what is this ur third sorta shoot? this shot is by zetsu photography)

We heard no evil, saw no evil, spoke no evil... :)

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Before I fall into a plate of veggies and much needed yoga

I rant... I rant a rant of ranty rant rant... about fucking public transit. I really loath leaving hours early only to end up being late anyway... or hours early and waiting around. I could better spend my time cursing, shitting, fucking... but sitting around on a filthy bus w/ boring ppl sweating and shit just fucking sucks. Most of the metro has hobo's on that shit.... so you're bound to smell something gross in the warmer months (as I'm sure I'll smell some interesting smells during tonight and tomorrows bus treks) ugh ugh ugh...

I wish I owned a tank so I could run over all traffic, bus's. I'd want it to shoot different things depending on my mood. When I'm happy, confetti. When I'm sad... uh fucking acid rain? I don't fucking know. It should also be able to hover over water. Slap hoes... punch bitches and make me dinner.

 I hate missing important things because of the inconvenience of bus riding. Granted I haven't had to ride the bus much recently so I'm getting re-introduced. Still it does suck. I have a week and 3 days more of freedom to think it over. To be pissed about how much I'll have to pay for an EZ pass (I believe the one I need costs 150 or very close to it. Did the math. I would end up spending close to 200 or more going the normal route w/out a pass or buying separate passes for each transit. The bus that stops near me is super unreliable so I'm stuck taking a big ass loop around the city until I get a bucket of my own *sigh* at least the non metro bus... blarrrrg)

All is not lost though. I rescheduled my orientation date (regrettably. I was so excited about it this morning. Thinking of all the ways I could pull my weight more efficiently. The nice things I'd be able to do for others... getting a car and maybe getting some more hobbies too. I can still do those things it's just gonna take a bit more time than I'd hoped for).

I'll still be able to go out w/ a friend tonight. I can't really recall the last time we like really went out to dance and bullshit. Should be interesting considering my sober standings for the past few months. When I look back on everything, I do feel fortunate for those who still want to be around. Who can tolerate my eccentricities and flaws at least to some degree. I'm very hard on myself for being wrong and stubborn too. I do open up to ppl but not terribly quickly. There are others I'd love to be more open w/ but I've yet to do so in a real way. I enjoy their company, wisdom... I look up to many of them in a lot of ways because they're where I'd like to be. There are others who I never gave a real chance, built up a fortress for myself for fears of rejection or ultimately to avoid anything remotely dramatic. Though all in all if you are to truly be there for someone... there's that risk thing... you do have to put yourself out there a bit. There are bonds long broken... some I miss and others I think that all parties are better off w/out. Others that I wonder what I could have done differently... I think relationships, friendship, romantic, family... all possible kinds will bewilder me to an extent. All the logic I try to place on them doesn't always seem to fit. I feel very Vulcan sometimes. Adhering to these rules of logic and calm to control overwhelming passionate feelings that I don't fully acknowledge at least not at all times. Sometime it takes a few weeks to really figure out what's wrong and by then it seems too late. (forgive me I have begun to ramble lol)

In the coming weeks (especially once work really starts going ) I'm going to think about what career paths I would be happiest doing. I'd considered something in the Veterinary field. I always liked animals more than ppl. Though I'm mostly over my fear of dogs I do have fears of other animals. I'm also afraid of being bitten too... which if I am to have that sort of job can happen from time to time. (odd since all this whole testing of the pain threshold that I like to do... you'd think this would be easy peeeeeezeeee lol ) Option 2 would be some for of child psychology. I'd especially like to work w/ abused children or those in foster care. I've come from both backgrounds. There are times when I miss knowing that at a certain time in the week I can talk to a totally non involved party about what ever I want. Something freeing in that. I know that having that experience made me a less likely to act rash as I was prone to do. I don't think I really appreciated it as much at the time as I would now... I can see it's benefit...

Alright guess I should yoga, shower, pick out tomorrows night time outfit, eat something, go to the bank, finish watching black snake moan...

End Transmission