A Series of Friday Night Events

I'm still a bit off from recent events... but I think things are well on their way to normalizing. Just gotta keep my brain and emotions in check. Watched a plethora of videos and video blogs and did a lot of reading up on BPD and it's left me less then optimistic.  To be honest I'd like to know what co-morbidly exists w/ this... I may not ever know... fucking everything health related costs fucking ass loads of money lol...

Anyway back to the topic at hand, FRIDAY, gettin' out on FRIDAY. I've gone out 2 weeks in a row. Perhaps next weekend I should stay in or retreat to a nice walk through the park, a dinner, torture myself w/ seeing the latest pirates movie w/ a loved one?

I left earlier than normal hoping to actually get to the place on time. Some dude from the subway (Who I recall hitting on me a couple of months ago kinda stole a bit of my time) He was like "I got off early to come talk to you". While I assume that no man is a nice man. When it comes down to it heterosexual men are trying to fuck you... that said what else is it that we have in common? I sensed a decent level of intelligence but a high level of that whole weird game playing garbage lines that dudes use to get dumb fucking females. Even if I were single (which I'm not ) I'm highly bothered by the use of those tactics. You'd be better off finding a common ground which I'm not sure we really had to begin w/.

So because of this conversation, because I lack the ability to be a complete bitch and walk away from ppl who haven't been totally rude (having an IPOD would've totally stopped this from happening!!) I missed my damn bus and was going to consequently be late. Though I saw a silver lining in this and decided to get some mc donalds since I knew I was going to be waiting for at least another hour for the fucking bus.

Dude going in holds the door for me and says "I'm being nice to you cause the rapture is coming, trying to get those good karma points" or something to that tune. Sorta funny. We talked about where I was on my way to. Had a brief conversation about industrial clubs. I could tell that he knew a little bit but wasn't particularly active lately. Anywho my food comes up and I kinda bolted out of the door LOL He's like awwwwwwwwwwwwwww ya leavin? 

At the bus stop some pothead older dude talked to me about conspiracy theories. That was kinda funny. Offered me some weed (didn't partake in). All around an amusing guy.

All asked for my number, none got it... maybe the first question one should ask is if you're single correct? At any rate this is an unususal high volume of ppl talking to me. Maybe it was the obnoxious amount of pink I was wearing. I don't fucking know.

B/f came and rescued me from the perils of the bus (thank goodness). Spent most of the night dancing around. Sometimes I fear that I've bored the hell out of him. To be honest the past few times that I've gone out alone I've had a lot more fun b/c I didn't have to change rooms b/c someone else didn't like the music. Didn't have to worry about someone being sick or wanting to go outside to get air. Simply put I could just worry about what I wanted, no one else's needs but my own... while I'm half annoyed that lately at these clubs someone always hits on me (which was not a problem before at all, I think a lot of regular club goers are blending starting to cohabit these places and not having the decency to FUCKING ASK ME IF I WANNA DANCE BEFORE ATTEMPTING TO DANCE W/ ME ESPECIALLY IN A CLUB WHERE MOST PPL ARE DANCING ALONE ANYWAY!!) So other than weird Asian dude trying to steal a dance from me  and girl who gave me a retarded look for bumping her arm the night was ok. Music was decent... was able to effectively ignore everyone most of the time (though sometimes ppl snap me out of my zone... something one has to deal with when they are sober at these functions)

Well I guess that's about it... So we're supposed to all die today. Sure hope so, then I don't have to deal w/ fixing these cavities in my mouth, mental health, assholes, and debt... shit I shouldn't have paid my phone bill then.... So what will paranoid folk say when we're all still here tomorrow? Maybe we should all systematically shoot everyone who believes in that shit there in making a true end to the world, their world and thus it wouldn't be so untrue right?

End Transmission

Before I fall into a plate of veggies and much needed yoga

I rant... I rant a rant of ranty rant rant... about fucking public transit. I really loath leaving hours early only to end up being late anyway... or hours early and waiting around. I could better spend my time cursing, shitting, fucking... but sitting around on a filthy bus w/ boring ppl sweating and shit just fucking sucks. Most of the metro has hobo's on that shit.... so you're bound to smell something gross in the warmer months (as I'm sure I'll smell some interesting smells during tonight and tomorrows bus treks) ugh ugh ugh...

I wish I owned a tank so I could run over all traffic, bus's. I'd want it to shoot different things depending on my mood. When I'm happy, confetti. When I'm sad... uh fucking acid rain? I don't fucking know. It should also be able to hover over water. Slap hoes... punch bitches and make me dinner.

 I hate missing important things because of the inconvenience of bus riding. Granted I haven't had to ride the bus much recently so I'm getting re-introduced. Still it does suck. I have a week and 3 days more of freedom to think it over. To be pissed about how much I'll have to pay for an EZ pass (I believe the one I need costs 150 or very close to it. Did the math. I would end up spending close to 200 or more going the normal route w/out a pass or buying separate passes for each transit. The bus that stops near me is super unreliable so I'm stuck taking a big ass loop around the city until I get a bucket of my own *sigh* at least the non metro bus... blarrrrg)

All is not lost though. I rescheduled my orientation date (regrettably. I was so excited about it this morning. Thinking of all the ways I could pull my weight more efficiently. The nice things I'd be able to do for others... getting a car and maybe getting some more hobbies too. I can still do those things it's just gonna take a bit more time than I'd hoped for).

I'll still be able to go out w/ a friend tonight. I can't really recall the last time we like really went out to dance and bullshit. Should be interesting considering my sober standings for the past few months. When I look back on everything, I do feel fortunate for those who still want to be around. Who can tolerate my eccentricities and flaws at least to some degree. I'm very hard on myself for being wrong and stubborn too. I do open up to ppl but not terribly quickly. There are others I'd love to be more open w/ but I've yet to do so in a real way. I enjoy their company, wisdom... I look up to many of them in a lot of ways because they're where I'd like to be. There are others who I never gave a real chance, built up a fortress for myself for fears of rejection or ultimately to avoid anything remotely dramatic. Though all in all if you are to truly be there for someone... there's that risk thing... you do have to put yourself out there a bit. There are bonds long broken... some I miss and others I think that all parties are better off w/out. Others that I wonder what I could have done differently... I think relationships, friendship, romantic, family... all possible kinds will bewilder me to an extent. All the logic I try to place on them doesn't always seem to fit. I feel very Vulcan sometimes. Adhering to these rules of logic and calm to control overwhelming passionate feelings that I don't fully acknowledge at least not at all times. Sometime it takes a few weeks to really figure out what's wrong and by then it seems too late. (forgive me I have begun to ramble lol)

In the coming weeks (especially once work really starts going ) I'm going to think about what career paths I would be happiest doing. I'd considered something in the Veterinary field. I always liked animals more than ppl. Though I'm mostly over my fear of dogs I do have fears of other animals. I'm also afraid of being bitten too... which if I am to have that sort of job can happen from time to time. (odd since all this whole testing of the pain threshold that I like to do... you'd think this would be easy peeeeeezeeee lol ) Option 2 would be some for of child psychology. I'd especially like to work w/ abused children or those in foster care. I've come from both backgrounds. There are times when I miss knowing that at a certain time in the week I can talk to a totally non involved party about what ever I want. Something freeing in that. I know that having that experience made me a less likely to act rash as I was prone to do. I don't think I really appreciated it as much at the time as I would now... I can see it's benefit...

Alright guess I should yoga, shower, pick out tomorrows night time outfit, eat something, go to the bank, finish watching black snake moan...

End Transmission