Before I fall into a plate of veggies and much needed yoga

I rant... I rant a rant of ranty rant rant... about fucking public transit. I really loath leaving hours early only to end up being late anyway... or hours early and waiting around. I could better spend my time cursing, shitting, fucking... but sitting around on a filthy bus w/ boring ppl sweating and shit just fucking sucks. Most of the metro has hobo's on that shit.... so you're bound to smell something gross in the warmer months (as I'm sure I'll smell some interesting smells during tonight and tomorrows bus treks) ugh ugh ugh...

I wish I owned a tank so I could run over all traffic, bus's. I'd want it to shoot different things depending on my mood. When I'm happy, confetti. When I'm sad... uh fucking acid rain? I don't fucking know. It should also be able to hover over water. Slap hoes... punch bitches and make me dinner.

 I hate missing important things because of the inconvenience of bus riding. Granted I haven't had to ride the bus much recently so I'm getting re-introduced. Still it does suck. I have a week and 3 days more of freedom to think it over. To be pissed about how much I'll have to pay for an EZ pass (I believe the one I need costs 150 or very close to it. Did the math. I would end up spending close to 200 or more going the normal route w/out a pass or buying separate passes for each transit. The bus that stops near me is super unreliable so I'm stuck taking a big ass loop around the city until I get a bucket of my own *sigh* at least the non metro bus... blarrrrg)

All is not lost though. I rescheduled my orientation date (regrettably. I was so excited about it this morning. Thinking of all the ways I could pull my weight more efficiently. The nice things I'd be able to do for others... getting a car and maybe getting some more hobbies too. I can still do those things it's just gonna take a bit more time than I'd hoped for).

I'll still be able to go out w/ a friend tonight. I can't really recall the last time we like really went out to dance and bullshit. Should be interesting considering my sober standings for the past few months. When I look back on everything, I do feel fortunate for those who still want to be around. Who can tolerate my eccentricities and flaws at least to some degree. I'm very hard on myself for being wrong and stubborn too. I do open up to ppl but not terribly quickly. There are others I'd love to be more open w/ but I've yet to do so in a real way. I enjoy their company, wisdom... I look up to many of them in a lot of ways because they're where I'd like to be. There are others who I never gave a real chance, built up a fortress for myself for fears of rejection or ultimately to avoid anything remotely dramatic. Though all in all if you are to truly be there for someone... there's that risk thing... you do have to put yourself out there a bit. There are bonds long broken... some I miss and others I think that all parties are better off w/out. Others that I wonder what I could have done differently... I think relationships, friendship, romantic, family... all possible kinds will bewilder me to an extent. All the logic I try to place on them doesn't always seem to fit. I feel very Vulcan sometimes. Adhering to these rules of logic and calm to control overwhelming passionate feelings that I don't fully acknowledge at least not at all times. Sometime it takes a few weeks to really figure out what's wrong and by then it seems too late. (forgive me I have begun to ramble lol)

In the coming weeks (especially once work really starts going ) I'm going to think about what career paths I would be happiest doing. I'd considered something in the Veterinary field. I always liked animals more than ppl. Though I'm mostly over my fear of dogs I do have fears of other animals. I'm also afraid of being bitten too... which if I am to have that sort of job can happen from time to time. (odd since all this whole testing of the pain threshold that I like to do... you'd think this would be easy peeeeeezeeee lol ) Option 2 would be some for of child psychology. I'd especially like to work w/ abused children or those in foster care. I've come from both backgrounds. There are times when I miss knowing that at a certain time in the week I can talk to a totally non involved party about what ever I want. Something freeing in that. I know that having that experience made me a less likely to act rash as I was prone to do. I don't think I really appreciated it as much at the time as I would now... I can see it's benefit...

Alright guess I should yoga, shower, pick out tomorrows night time outfit, eat something, go to the bank, finish watching black snake moan...

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It feels as though it's all coming full circle

I'm rid of that old camel on my back. Work is starting to work out. Hell working out is working out. I'm feeling a lot better physically and mentally. I still have a few worries but nothing too serious.

Over the past few weeks I was annoyed not just by life's little  nuisances but by someones ego it would seem. While I can speculate and such as to why ego's were damaged (though I have a fairly good hunch) it's all irrelevant now.

Then to top things all off, at the zenith of my frustrations some new mongrel comes out of the wood work screaming "stop stealing my name" bla bla bla.

What I realize even w/ the name I've legit chosen now. Someone somewhere will probably have it at some point. Do I give a good god damn about it? FUCK NO! There's plenty of folks w/ Siren in their name... Seraphim bla ditty bla blow me.

Ok so irritated chick #1 valid reasons for being upset I guess... random dude doesn't even share the same full name. Should Jack Black sue him because this guy goes by Jack Blaque? Chances are I'm sure the real Jack Black doesn't give a fuck or know who this fucker is.

Why do folks feel they're so important in the grand scheme of things? Even w/ this name change I have high doubts that well I will be effected but said worries of name being dragged through the mud... Hell I'm not even that popular to where it would really fucking matter in the first place. I mean really... but still more popular than the person who did absolutely nothing to promote their name as their persona, alias or anything in general.

So I was removed from "the site"? Said in a way as if I should care. I never got any work from being there. The site itself looks like something I would've made in 6th grade on geocities. Does Geocities even exist anymore? The links, photos, everything was outdated. I think if one wants to have their proverbial name lifted they should take some sort of pride in the product they're presenting but I guess that's just me.

Every point I tried to make just didn't seem to get through either b/c of that person's anger or they honestly weren't very bright and weren't really reading what I was actually saying.

I will say this... if you want something out of someone who is actually trying to work w/ you, you'd get results a lot faster by talking normal, getting the person to see where you're coming from. I went from caring, to not caring to simply being exhausted of seeing silly grade school name calling every time I log on the web.

To be honest what really made me revisit the changing name idea wasn't so much what that chick did but something my b/f said. It was quick and I didn't think about it until a day later. Just that his name for a character he created. He'd be a bit upset if he saw someone else using it somewhere and disappointed in himself for not making more use out of it.

It got to a point to where all I could think about when thinking of that name was dramatic ghetto black people, ignorance and childishness that I wanted nothing to do w/. It became ugly and repulsive to me. (even when I was out the past weekend... a couple of folks recognized me and called me"jade" and it made my stomach turn) I wonder if that was the overall "effect" that was meant for all this? hahaha probably not.

So I brain stormed and a bunch of things that I loved and then came to this new name. I read up on different comic book characters... random shit. . . Started thinking of spells from various RPG games and found something that I felt suited me.

As I'm sure you know Sirens (other than being that shit that goes off that alerts one to trouble or to get the hell out of the way) are those mythical creatures that would bring sailors to their doom w/ their lovely voices and what not. What if there were no voice... could that be done simply in a photograph. Something that has an allure w/out speaking one word at all. Something that was once very audible but no hardly muffles a sound, something that doesn't need to.... And so I became Silenced Siren.

(so you're still reading yes? lol)

Well hopefully I haven't bored the hell out of you too much. The remaining networks that have me pegged as jade, or blaque jade or any incarnation I either do not use anymore or are out of my control... so  they'll long be buried soon enough on their own. I feel relieved to have this all behind me, to be starting on a new chapter of life that will hopefully be free of trivial quarrels, new friendships w/ like minded folks and the skills to maintain the few connections I've managed to keep over the years.

One well used to be important one that I thought I would keep well into dead years has diminished. I'm pretty certain as to why. I know that guys and girls don't remain friends especially when a new girl is in the picture. I just would've loved a heads up. I'm neither surprised or even that hurt. I would've loved a heads up so I could gather the scattered goods of mine that still reside there but they can be replaced. (fuck I want my And One, Hocico and other random albums that are fucking awesome as fuck!) Oh well. Nothing is forever. Cherish the day for the night may be cold... spring will come again though :)

All in all I'm happy and hopeful and all that good shit (Hopefully I'll be receiving my fucking fight stick today!) GET HERE TODAY!! YOU WAS 130 BUCKS AND SHIT AND I WANT TO BREAK YOU IN NOW!!! I wonder if I can get it to work w/ my PC?!! That would be so fucking godly! *dreams*

Oh one more random thing... I finally figured out what those floaty winged orbs in Blazing Star mean... the combo system and such. <3 Neo Geo... eat ur 3 until ur heart is content :)

new deviant art to be updated in the coming weeks

new model mayhem

new twitter

new formspring

my wishlist (b-day is coming up soon)

Tumblr

(that'll do pig, that'll do)

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Today marks 2 weeks of sobriety

Coming from someone who would drink at least 3 times a week this is pretty good. I don't really have the desire to drink. I'm finding that I don't really need to. Much of the paranoia I had been avoiding was only getting compounded into a bigger ball and being released in the wrong ways. I've learned that big crowds doen't neccessarily mean everyone is going to devour the flesh or even notices that you're there.

Everyone doesn't have to be your buddy but there is something nice about casual conversation that I never experienced before. I recognize this as a tiny victory in what is sure to be many battles in the future on my journey to not being a shitty person.


Guess I can fill these shot glasses w/ icecream? :-P

I wanna share a quote that I found interesting "bordom between 2 people doesn't come from being together physically. It comes from being apart mentally and Spiritually" -Brenda Schaeffer

It's a fine line we dance... sometimes it takes a few whispers and a swift kick in the face w/ something before the message starts to sink in. Here's to the ongoing struggle , joys, wonderful things that life has to offer... to knowing our limits and improving each day.

drawing by mattahan

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I often find myself

... wondering where/how I'm viewed by others.

In the past week... (I wont' even say month b/c a few transgressions and personal time has been taken this week alone so I'll just start from there) I've been taking a look at my current relationships... those from the past and those bonds I would like to form but have been stifled by inaction for fear of change or perhaps inadequacy.

I've said this before... I may even say it again. I will attempt not to drink anymore. It's left me more broken, sick and I've hurt those around me entirely too much.  I'd like to quit before I get to some disgusting point, awakening alone in an alley somewhere, if I even awaken at all.

I often go back and forth on this... I think maybe if I have one I can feel just comfortable enough to silence all the little things in social situations that make me feel as though I'm being scrutinized. Logically I know this is not on such a grand scale as I've built up inside but it feels real enough to my ego.... and so one becomes 2 becomes 5 becomes yelling, puking passed out some place blacked out and unsure of the severity of situations. This is no way to live.

As far as relationships go... there are reasons why I care for those in my life. I think each person brings something special to it. A light, happiness... sometimes it's the most trivial of conversations that spark an interest that ignites a change. In the past I've pulled away (and admittedly this week even I've shut down a bit) but I wish to do that no longer. I'll do my best to remain open, albeit venerable... to the lines of communication... to be blunt... to speak up when bothered. I've been doing a good job of this for a few days... I want to keep the momentum going. Something very refreshing when your needs are recognized... that it's not taking away from anything b/c ultimately all parties involved aren't purposely trying to sabotage, at least that's what I think. Only time will tell how these connections will be in the future but I've learned something from everyone. I've a clear set of boundaries in place and I won't let them be compromised for the sake of others any longer. It is a two way street... honest communication, though difficult b/c of our past blemishes is the best way to go about things... this is harder to do than say. Baby steps.

Those future bonds whether made or not...I will have to approach things as if I were never hurt before... this is tricky and I'm not sure when I'll be at this level or if I'll ever fully be able to.


I hope everyone has a good weekend!


In other non serious news I might be at Ruin Saturday (not sure if this is a good idea or bad but it would be quite the test for not drinking as social environments  are when I tend to want to drink) I'm kinda curious about the event... I wonder if anyone is going to be there or if some actual old school hip hop will be spun (cause JP night at bunker didn't really play any dir en grey or blood, D, I dunno any Japanese bands so I'm half skeptical)

(by earache-j see more of their work on deviantart.com)

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