Friday, January 28, 2011

I often find myself

... wondering where/how I'm viewed by others.

In the past week... (I wont' even say month b/c a few transgressions and personal time has been taken this week alone so I'll just start from there) I've been taking a look at my current relationships... those from the past and those bonds I would like to form but have been stifled by inaction for fear of change or perhaps inadequacy.

I've said this before... I may even say it again. I will attempt not to drink anymore. It's left me more broken, sick and I've hurt those around me entirely too much.  I'd like to quit before I get to some disgusting point, awakening alone in an alley somewhere, if I even awaken at all.

I often go back and forth on this... I think maybe if I have one I can feel just comfortable enough to silence all the little things in social situations that make me feel as though I'm being scrutinized. Logically I know this is not on such a grand scale as I've built up inside but it feels real enough to my ego.... and so one becomes 2 becomes 5 becomes yelling, puking passed out some place blacked out and unsure of the severity of situations. This is no way to live.

As far as relationships go... there are reasons why I care for those in my life. I think each person brings something special to it. A light, happiness... sometimes it's the most trivial of conversations that spark an interest that ignites a change. In the past I've pulled away (and admittedly this week even I've shut down a bit) but I wish to do that no longer. I'll do my best to remain open, albeit venerable... to the lines of communication... to be blunt... to speak up when bothered. I've been doing a good job of this for a few days... I want to keep the momentum going. Something very refreshing when your needs are recognized... that it's not taking away from anything b/c ultimately all parties involved aren't purposely trying to sabotage, at least that's what I think. Only time will tell how these connections will be in the future but I've learned something from everyone. I've a clear set of boundaries in place and I won't let them be compromised for the sake of others any longer. It is a two way street... honest communication, though difficult b/c of our past blemishes is the best way to go about things... this is harder to do than say. Baby steps.

Those future bonds whether made or not...I will have to approach things as if I were never hurt before... this is tricky and I'm not sure when I'll be at this level or if I'll ever fully be able to.

I hope everyone has a good weekend!

In other non serious news I might be at Ruin Saturday (not sure if this is a good idea or bad but it would be quite the test for not drinking as social environments  are when I tend to want to drink) I'm kinda curious about the event... I wonder if anyone is going to be there or if some actual old school hip hop will be spun (cause JP night at bunker didn't really play any dir en grey or blood, D, I dunno any Japanese bands so I'm half skeptical)

(by earache-j see more of their work on

End Transmission

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