It feels as though it's all coming full circle

I'm rid of that old camel on my back. Work is starting to work out. Hell working out is working out. I'm feeling a lot better physically and mentally. I still have a few worries but nothing too serious.

Over the past few weeks I was annoyed not just by life's little  nuisances but by someones ego it would seem. While I can speculate and such as to why ego's were damaged (though I have a fairly good hunch) it's all irrelevant now.

Then to top things all off, at the zenith of my frustrations some new mongrel comes out of the wood work screaming "stop stealing my name" bla bla bla.

What I realize even w/ the name I've legit chosen now. Someone somewhere will probably have it at some point. Do I give a good god damn about it? FUCK NO! There's plenty of folks w/ Siren in their name... Seraphim bla ditty bla blow me.

Ok so irritated chick #1 valid reasons for being upset I guess... random dude doesn't even share the same full name. Should Jack Black sue him because this guy goes by Jack Blaque? Chances are I'm sure the real Jack Black doesn't give a fuck or know who this fucker is.

Why do folks feel they're so important in the grand scheme of things? Even w/ this name change I have high doubts that well I will be effected but said worries of name being dragged through the mud... Hell I'm not even that popular to where it would really fucking matter in the first place. I mean really... but still more popular than the person who did absolutely nothing to promote their name as their persona, alias or anything in general.

So I was removed from "the site"? Said in a way as if I should care. I never got any work from being there. The site itself looks like something I would've made in 6th grade on geocities. Does Geocities even exist anymore? The links, photos, everything was outdated. I think if one wants to have their proverbial name lifted they should take some sort of pride in the product they're presenting but I guess that's just me.

Every point I tried to make just didn't seem to get through either b/c of that person's anger or they honestly weren't very bright and weren't really reading what I was actually saying.

I will say this... if you want something out of someone who is actually trying to work w/ you, you'd get results a lot faster by talking normal, getting the person to see where you're coming from. I went from caring, to not caring to simply being exhausted of seeing silly grade school name calling every time I log on the web.

To be honest what really made me revisit the changing name idea wasn't so much what that chick did but something my b/f said. It was quick and I didn't think about it until a day later. Just that his name for a character he created. He'd be a bit upset if he saw someone else using it somewhere and disappointed in himself for not making more use out of it.

It got to a point to where all I could think about when thinking of that name was dramatic ghetto black people, ignorance and childishness that I wanted nothing to do w/. It became ugly and repulsive to me. (even when I was out the past weekend... a couple of folks recognized me and called me"jade" and it made my stomach turn) I wonder if that was the overall "effect" that was meant for all this? hahaha probably not.

So I brain stormed and a bunch of things that I loved and then came to this new name. I read up on different comic book characters... random shit. . . Started thinking of spells from various RPG games and found something that I felt suited me.

As I'm sure you know Sirens (other than being that shit that goes off that alerts one to trouble or to get the hell out of the way) are those mythical creatures that would bring sailors to their doom w/ their lovely voices and what not. What if there were no voice... could that be done simply in a photograph. Something that has an allure w/out speaking one word at all. Something that was once very audible but no hardly muffles a sound, something that doesn't need to.... And so I became Silenced Siren.

(so you're still reading yes? lol)

Well hopefully I haven't bored the hell out of you too much. The remaining networks that have me pegged as jade, or blaque jade or any incarnation I either do not use anymore or are out of my control... so  they'll long be buried soon enough on their own. I feel relieved to have this all behind me, to be starting on a new chapter of life that will hopefully be free of trivial quarrels, new friendships w/ like minded folks and the skills to maintain the few connections I've managed to keep over the years.

One well used to be important one that I thought I would keep well into dead years has diminished. I'm pretty certain as to why. I know that guys and girls don't remain friends especially when a new girl is in the picture. I just would've loved a heads up. I'm neither surprised or even that hurt. I would've loved a heads up so I could gather the scattered goods of mine that still reside there but they can be replaced. (fuck I want my And One, Hocico and other random albums that are fucking awesome as fuck!) Oh well. Nothing is forever. Cherish the day for the night may be cold... spring will come again though :)

All in all I'm happy and hopeful and all that good shit (Hopefully I'll be receiving my fucking fight stick today!) GET HERE TODAY!! YOU WAS 130 BUCKS AND SHIT AND I WANT TO BREAK YOU IN NOW!!! I wonder if I can get it to work w/ my PC?!! That would be so fucking godly! *dreams*

Oh one more random thing... I finally figured out what those floaty winged orbs in Blazing Star mean... the combo system and such. <3 Neo Geo... eat ur 3 until ur heart is content :)

new deviant art to be updated in the coming weeks

new model mayhem

new twitter

new formspring

my wishlist (b-day is coming up soon)

Tumblr

(that'll do pig, that'll do)

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Name change-- at an un-disclosed date

So I'll be brain storming some possible new names in between working out and uh my stomach turning like it is (fuck it... not so bad that I can't work out, perhaps that might actually help).

If you guys have anything to add that would be super duper!!

Why a name change? I'm not terribly attached to the one I'm using now. I also get what she was sorta trying to say. Miss real blaque jade... I think that this is supposed to be her persona and that I can respect. I just wish she'd simply said that and not crap about the web-site and shit I already knew but hey... what can ya do.

I'll do my best to change whatever names that are possible to change. (certain sites I have no control over what so ever, IE- sites for work content or other folks portfolio's etc.) I've seen other's go through name changing processes for various reasons so it shouldn't be terribly difficult... then again I'm not sure how many of them are on so many sites or how long it was since they changed their names etc.

I've learned a few lessons from this. Don't use personal name even for work purposes. Sometimes the right questions need to be asked...

I hope that after this process is done we can get back to our normal mundane scheduled programming.

Other than the obvious, that I don't particularly enjoy arguing w/ anyone in and of itself... I especially don't like arguing w/ other black women. We have it hard enough as it is. (I don't want to argue w/ women period!) There's enough men who will tear us down for not fitting into that Hallmark image we're all fed. Hell they'll tear you down for fitting into their perfect image in their heads. (oh this topic could be a whole new blog)

Ultimately I would enjoy having more female friends who share at least some of the same morals (or lack there of) but mostly a general understanding of who each person is and an openness that most don't possess or hold in for fear of judgment and persecution.

Alright time to make phone calls and shit

more of feline643's work can be found here so click it!!

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I often find myself

... wondering where/how I'm viewed by others.

In the past week... (I wont' even say month b/c a few transgressions and personal time has been taken this week alone so I'll just start from there) I've been taking a look at my current relationships... those from the past and those bonds I would like to form but have been stifled by inaction for fear of change or perhaps inadequacy.

I've said this before... I may even say it again. I will attempt not to drink anymore. It's left me more broken, sick and I've hurt those around me entirely too much.  I'd like to quit before I get to some disgusting point, awakening alone in an alley somewhere, if I even awaken at all.

I often go back and forth on this... I think maybe if I have one I can feel just comfortable enough to silence all the little things in social situations that make me feel as though I'm being scrutinized. Logically I know this is not on such a grand scale as I've built up inside but it feels real enough to my ego.... and so one becomes 2 becomes 5 becomes yelling, puking passed out some place blacked out and unsure of the severity of situations. This is no way to live.

As far as relationships go... there are reasons why I care for those in my life. I think each person brings something special to it. A light, happiness... sometimes it's the most trivial of conversations that spark an interest that ignites a change. In the past I've pulled away (and admittedly this week even I've shut down a bit) but I wish to do that no longer. I'll do my best to remain open, albeit venerable... to the lines of communication... to be blunt... to speak up when bothered. I've been doing a good job of this for a few days... I want to keep the momentum going. Something very refreshing when your needs are recognized... that it's not taking away from anything b/c ultimately all parties involved aren't purposely trying to sabotage, at least that's what I think. Only time will tell how these connections will be in the future but I've learned something from everyone. I've a clear set of boundaries in place and I won't let them be compromised for the sake of others any longer. It is a two way street... honest communication, though difficult b/c of our past blemishes is the best way to go about things... this is harder to do than say. Baby steps.

Those future bonds whether made or not...I will have to approach things as if I were never hurt before... this is tricky and I'm not sure when I'll be at this level or if I'll ever fully be able to.


I hope everyone has a good weekend!


In other non serious news I might be at Ruin Saturday (not sure if this is a good idea or bad but it would be quite the test for not drinking as social environments  are when I tend to want to drink) I'm kinda curious about the event... I wonder if anyone is going to be there or if some actual old school hip hop will be spun (cause JP night at bunker didn't really play any dir en grey or blood, D, I dunno any Japanese bands so I'm half skeptical)

(by earache-j see more of their work on deviantart.com)

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As a child

Our feelings gave clues to what we wanted, needed, our desires. It's our own job now as  adults to make sure they're communicated clearly. I know I'm guilty of not always being clear about personal boundaries and neglectful of my own needs for others but I will do my best to fix this.

I've noticed others as well as myself saying things like.... "he should have known this" "Well you've known me all THESE YEARS how could you not know?" sure we can guess at things a good deal of the time but if you really want your desires to be met it's your job to make sure you're clear about what is is that you want, intentions... etc.


So many relationships, love wise, family and friendships suffer b/c ppl refuse to take responsibility in the communication process. I'm aware of this now so hopefully this will help me to keep my eyes open.

i

(this drawing  by Irene Roga... she can be found on deviantart.com )

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Only you can prevent the pitty parade... (pon farr/nerdgasm/don't open at work)

Only you can save yourself, but others help set positive thoughts in motion. Today has been hopeful/half way productive. I did lots of launder (for some reason I've only been washing clothes once a month... wtf s wrong with me... fucking lazy fuck.) 

I officially have no tennis shoes. That's fun info right? Well good thing I rarely walk/don't play dancing games anymore or else my feet would be bare and covered in fungai (note to self buy anti-fungals just incase... always good to have around).


I'm seeing the beauty and positive things I have going for me. I know that I also mustn't stop myself because one window has closed itself. It's a big bold world out there. I have friends who love me, a wonderful penis and the internets boundless potental of pornography. I'm physically capable... mentally capable... I'm not too bad on the opitcle recepters....

I just need more confidence to take more risks... well healthy risks. 


Also going to see my favorite female in the whole blue planet. I miss her! I look forward to a true museum experience (I haven't really been to one since elementary school. As a lover of art that is an aweful shame!)

I close with a dream come true of all dreams.... the happiest vision of this present year and perhaps all years future and past.....

 teehee PON FARR PON FARR (ps: Would really appreciate this classy film work for my birthday)


yeah I went to the damn site


http://www.thisaintstartrek.com/home.php


I'm a sad individual...


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