It seems like it's been a while sense I've done a mental dumping. This is a good sign, at least there's very little need to do it but I do enjoy writing wordy diatribes and never got the full college experience of writing long ass papers but at least there's always this :)
A conversation (well a IM exchange, guess that's what conversations are these days) got me to thinking about friendship. Why so many throw the word around like a 2 dollar whore? Why I'm finally content at the state of my social life and have the greatest understanding of folks that I've ever had in my life?
I guess one should start with what friendship is. It may vary to depending on who you're talking to but for me a friend is someone who is akin to family... it's the family that I choose to have in my life. I notice when they're not around and other things in their mood that many people will overlook just because they're smiling. They can cause the greatest joy and the greatest sadness. I get a sense of well being when they're around and in general I'm happier that they're in my life. I'm there for them the best that I can be in hardships and they're the same with me w/out expecting certain things in return. (of course we want something from friendships but not something specific... IE: I got you something for x-mas just so you'd get me something... I do it because the act itself is rewarding so I do get something but not so one has to do or owe me anything). I hold friends in a very high regard.
That said many get very offended if they're deleted from a social network when they don't even talk to you. Take liking a status or picture or something of the sort as actually being active in your life. All this artificial interaction as a big step toward friendship, doing a buttload of work. Now I'm not saying that these things don't aid in keeping one connected to loved ones but you'd still have to share somethings about oneself before expecting someone else to. At the same time if you've betrayed a trust and then expect things to go to being friendship when one has made no effort (saying hey and then asking me to help you with something/fishing for information is not making an effort. These are self serving things. It does not show that you have any worth other than being a leech who is too pathetic to go and find information for yourself... I refuse to be a leech or have respect for leeches)
Why do some folks get offended when you tell them how you really feel about them? I've had a couple of situations where this has come up. These people didn't seem to care until I revealed that I don't care either. Now it's an blasphemy? For some reason being indifferent makes someone want to prove things to you or make some half ass attempt to convince you otherwise when they don't talk to you or only communicate to get something out of you. OBVIOUSLY I wouldn't value you if you've never even made me laugh or tried to cheer me up... If I don't know you beyond your public face, even slightly... then I really can't be bothered to care or have a desire to go further.
I know that might not make sense so let me shed a little more light into that. I mean if I meet some folks in a class. One person I get into a conversation about many things we have in common. Share some laughs and even have lunch together at some point. I start to look forward to seeing this person and learning little nuggets about them w/out really thinking about it too much. Another person has the same class but never talks to me beyond a hello and talks to those who happen to be around me. Sees me do something that they desire to do (IE: hey where'd you get that boo boo kitty fuck necklace? Hey how'd you get that job? BAHHH HAHAHA) Jumping immediately from hello to asking for info or for a favor of some sort. This is not friendship, this is completely self serving. But in some people's minds this is what a friendship is? I can't possibly believe that.
I have many more acquaintances than friends that would have a great impact if they disappeared from my life. Those who have seen me at my worst and know those flaws and do not judge me for them. Acquaintances may keep up the friendly face and use company at events but are good for nothing more than a quick laugh or to quell slight boredom. This is most people... I don't feel a connection and have no desire to feel connections to a vast majority of people.
At this age, I know what I like... what I dislike. I'm very content in my social life. I'm not searching for new friends or even acquaintances. I'm not opposed to it but I am one of those people who values a significant amount of alone time as well.
In closing, (as I'm sure I've bored many heads off) friends are valued and have proven worth with very little effort. It's a very natural bond. Hard to find and take work to keep. Acquaintances shift like the winds. Can be fun to have around sometimes I'd rather not share very much of myself or do anything for them. And those who are at some place bellow that where we literally have know nothing of one another, who don't effect me in anyway and thus I don't care about or have a value placed in them at all. I dont' make an effort to talk to them and they don't do that for me...
So leeches.... if you really aren't leeches there's nothing to prove nor is there anything or anyone to blame. What you are will show in your actions NOT CHEAP WORDS over a period of time. If you really do want a bond of some sort maybe a meeting for coffee is in order... lunch... trip to the park... and don't sit there and talk about your damn self or problems the whole time too! Give a little,take a little.... world keeps turning.
streamate, flirt4free, cam girl, model, gogo dancer and all around nerdy nerd nerdette. Adventures and random thoughts there in w/ shiney new pictures too!! (formally on kinklive until further notice)
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Friday, August 17, 2012
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Thinking positive
I wonder if I'm going to be up at 4:30-5am for the next shit I don't know when hahaha. I've had about a day to really feel my pain. Be mostly by myself and for my body to heal itself. Glad to say that my hands, wrists, and neck feel a lot better, back hurts less, sides are still a bit tender but I think the bed sorta helped. Yay drooly sleep (lol tmi??)
Ya know for the longest time I felt I had no support system, not a damn thing. In all honesty though... people have checked in on me here and there and haven't gotten "close" for whatever their reasons may be. Either they've moved, been really busy w/ work... but a few of you have been really supportive in this time. I lost a lot of myself in this last relationship. My automatic Christ I fucking plumb gave up at least a good 90% of the principles and fucking moral code (and sometimes lack there of) that I've stood by for years over 1 dick. I mean not bad dick but... 1 person isn't worth losing yourself over. I feel good to come back to what that was.
Thanks wolfy wolf like hanger ons for uh... making me feel not so undesirable (even though some of you I think are out of your mind and delusional more so than I can be) Some of you are funny and have always been straight forward. Some of you don't know me at all... and perhaps we might wanna keep it that way. I'm in no position or desire to want to be w/ anyone... No man, no woman, no vegetable. Granted this is what day 2 of singleness and already I feel like I've come out of the hot sauna and shed some shit I was previously unawares of (teehee unawares underwears *giggetty giggetty*)
Who am I w/out disassociating... and boy did I disassociate a lot during the past day or so... during many events. It's not a fun feeling to not really be there or feel the unreal. Obviously if I'm feeling the need to do this life aint so grand is it? I haven't disconnected this much since my highschool days.
I'm fucking BPD this is for certain. I know this (and no a diagnosis doesn't make you entirely who you are but the reading I've been doing lately, that I've done before is helping me to understand myself that much more) Lack of stable sense of self. I DO chamelionize to whoever may be around. Since I know I do this... (granted this is a fairly new discovery and I can ultimately back it up w/ just about everyone I dated how my long term goals suddenly shifted... did things I never would normally do, gave up shit I used to enjoy)... I need to be a little bit more picky about at least who I'm around cause they will indeed rub the fuck off on me. Fact being... I've never been more paranoid, jealous... in my life. Granted I have been angry all on my own but not violent by nature. In fact I avoid violence at all costs. I hate fighting, yelling... I'd need someone around me who feels the same way. I need someone who is confident, their confidence (whether it's real or grandiosity) will rub off...
Though above all this... I think I'm going to learn to be alone for a while. I didn't take enough time to do this before I jumped into this clusterfuck so I'd like to avoid a bad situation waiting to happen. Red flags everywhere and sirens and fuck. To be honest everyone I've dated was a variation of the first. Either same extreme, far less extreme (so they came off harmless but the harmless one's have bite sometimes too lol) extreme in some of the same areas, gentle in others. I guess this is all something to keep in mind... the kind of ppl I am attracted to.
I'm not saying that all of my problems stem on who I'm with but this is one thing I know for certain about myself. I can trace it fairly far back. W/ the first b/f he was into cars not school so I wanted to learn how to build cars, got into comic books and even a style of dress. When his style of dress changed so did mine. Some how I rationalized this. Liked a guy into DDR got waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more involved in it than I would've been on my own. Liked a guy into doubles, got far too into that... got pretty good at it but still. B/f likes BDSM so do I. Want me to be a subby... I can do that. Want me to be dominant I do that quite well too... fuck buddies of the past re-opening a gaming soft spot that's stuck mostly. Intense when dating someone whose into games. Not so much care when alone. If I'm with a non-jealous open dude, I'm this way... that was kinda nice... wow I'm actually remembering what was nice about an ex long past, well better make sure not to make them a "hero".
"I don't exist when you don't see me, don't exist when you're not here... what the eye don't see wont break the heart even make believe when we're apart but when you leave I disappear"- Sisters of mercy... having a lyric for every damn thing I feel. No granted I know that every person, disorder or no exhibits traits of disorders because a symptom isn't really a disorder unless it causes issues w/ you functioning prosperously in life and shit like that right?
Until I figure out how to well not do this w/out thinking. Which I'm sure if it were that easy I wouldn't do it at all. There are things I'm fully aware of that I have no control over in the moment. IE: there's at least 3 or 4 different versions of myself... Strong self reliant me, insecure childish me, angry venomous me, silly retarded me... bleh bleh bleh I could keep going on. Hell I know my voice and even my mannerisms can change drastically during these switches and they can switch in a short amount of time. I've heard more than one person point this out who I've dated so... chances are it is what it is though I guess it only bothered 2 out of whatever serious semi serious daters . . . It bothers me, but all I can do is if I notice it or if it's brought up to me, try to snap myself out of certain masks. They're not bi-polar in nature, not a chemical imbalance... environmentally triggered... weirdness. My baseline mood is either really happy or incredibly cynical... sometimes it shifts up or down. I know this, does that stop it from happening? NOPE!
I think ultimately I'll probably need medications. "oh no you don't need meds guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl strong will bla bla" ok yeah that works or at least gives the illusion of success for a few months during a non stressful period.... cause guess what... not stress can't revert into weird ass coping mechanisms from fucking an abused child to deal with the big scary adult world....cause uh there isn't anything to run away from. When there is major stress (and rest assured there always is) Whether it be a new job (cause every new job I get at least mild panic attacks that I have to deal with especially if it's w/ a vast majority of the general public IE: being a fucking ride operator... wtf was I thinking. NOT A JOB FOR SOMEONE WHO NO LIKEY BIG GROUPS OF NEW PPL AROUND ALL THE DAMN TIME!!) school, date, trying to take a painful shit...
I tend to get really passionate about something and midway through loose even mild interest. So by golly if we can keep something going for more than a week... maybe we got something or you're really trying. I'm impulsive. I've managed to control at least part of it... I guess being sober helps one to not do as many stupid things. yes I drank the other day, If you had the day I had you would too. I still don't think I'm a raging alcoholic. YES I DO OVER DRINK IF I DON'T KEEP MYSELF IN CHECK OR HAVE SOMEONE LOOKING OVER ME! I know my limit... I didn't drink much, fact is I spent most of the day high on weed. I don't think I've ever smoked that much in my life. Kinda an interesting combination... for the perfect don't feel shit don't give a fuck and the best fucking pain killer known to man. Kinda sucked when it wore off and feeling the effects of the day before but I do remember everything. I kept to my own personal boundaries which from the last relationship I've learned that it's up to me to uphold those. I'm in control of my own personal safety... don't let anyone do anything you're not comfortable with.... I think at least for now I can and have handled it to satisfactory parameters. *pat self on back for shit you should've learned in adolescence but you were too busy getting abused cheese whine*
I still have no desire to drink while going out dancing. Frankly it's a fuck palace and I'm not in the mood to get raped for the who knows what number we're at now. I'm tired of dealing w/ police who don't give a fuck anyway. At least I know to never wash away the semen though you have a pretty strong urge to scrub until you bleed, piss yourself and let the scalding hot water wash oneself down the drain.... BRILLIANT!
So what I need to do is figure out what I would be happy, or at least can mentally handle doing. Food service is out of the question. Unless it's at certain types of places where the customers aren't bitchy pricks all the time. SOOOOO MC DONALD'S IS OUT! I probably wouldn't handle being a waitress in a busy regular restaurant too well, on the other hand... I'd handle being tipped well enough. I dunno if I'm ready to test those waters... I love working w/ animals (dogs in particular)... done it a few times and I'd be very happy in that type of job. I really miss working in a dog park, running w/ the dogs, playing w/ them in their runs... well the breaking up dog fights part was scary... most of the time you don't get there fast enough, a few times I was the only one around and had enough experience to know that shit was going down... most of the time you can break the tension before a fight starts by making a funny noise or simply moving one dog away from another. The one fight I do remember breaking up was funny cause they were both relatively small dogs. I remember ending in some sort of weird not quite half split position going hey guys... please grab one... this not so comfy. I felt so legit that day.
I wonder... do I need AA per say? Of all the folks who've known me before... who have known me for years, I wonder how many would think to go to such drastic measures. None so far... and that's probably the most correct assessment. I feel when I'm ready I'll look into some actual therapy options... I don't feel a need to drink, don't need it to function... don't really need anything but food and orgasms (sigh I haven't had sex in 2 days... this blows)
At first I was thinking the thought of someone you love with someone else is a highly disturbing thought... to be honest though I've thought about it a lot in my head, visualized it (yes I know fucking weird) It's bound to happen. Don't too much care so much anymore. Oh this is coming from someone who hasn't seen anything yet. Then again I doubt I'll be in a position to see anything anytime soon so by the time I do see anything (if that comes) I'm sure I'll be over it in my own fucking shit!
Friends... you mother fuckers... who come around and listen to me during these gay ass shit fuck times. I love you and thank you for pulling me out of my emo I R ALL ALONE IN TEH WORLD kick. Thanks for being random and shifting my brain to talks of farts and rocket propelled rainbow kitty fuck shit... Thanks for being serious and listening when needed. Thanks for making sense. Just fucking thank you. You better know who you are. Especially the two ppl who made me smile yesterday... I, thought smiles were forbidden forever!!!! EVER!!!!
I'm another ex girlfriend on your list but I should've thought of that after some random ass freak outs that freaked me out at the time that one's free spirit wouldn't be so damn free no more.
A tid bit though on sex industry jobs, nude jobs... anything you can probably wack off too. I had slight apprehension about this type of work before I'd been involved in it. Being that now I either know a good amount of ppl in porn who are perfectly happy w/ it. I guess the average person considers solo work (which is solo masturbation ) "real porn" to which I never considered it cause I fucking masturbate on my own quite religiously and I don't see an issue w/ that or getting paid for it. I don't think I'll ever have issue with that. Would I wanna do b/g shit? Not really, never wanted to b/c I know the assholes who produce the shit (and not all of you but a lot of the male talent are fucking woman haters) Granted a lot of the female talent can be dirt dumb or pretending to be dumb because that's what we're brought up to be like... so I guess I get everyone's part in the play. It can be difficult to get out of. Some don't want to, some do. Stripping I have no issue w/... I like dancing, I like money... fusion. If you wanna look down on these things while partaking in them on a frequent basis no less you are a moron... plain and simple. The moral splitting and hypocrisy there just doesn't make sense... By all means if you have issues w/ this type of work, deep moral cutting issues... (like trying to project ur negative feelings about such b/c you ultimately see these women as pieces of meat... so everyone must feel that way, now a lot probably do, but whose to say a lot don't feel that way about women anyway. The opinions of someone who doesn't know you should never weigh heavy on one's heart... ) please PLEASE FOR FUCK SAKE steer clear... While I'm pretty sure w/ my limited wardrobe and all this mental shit going on coupled w/ the onslaught of professional folk who probably don't wanna deal with me anymore cause of the crazy possessive b/f (not my words... their words though I feel in over half of those cases they most likely wanted me to bang them which meh... is what it is, doesn't mean ya gotta do it but if ur attractive ppl are probably going to want to fuck you where ever you go). Plus I'm dark as fuck... oh that shouldn't matter... well ask anyone it still does. I'd rather not be in the next 40 ounce bounce or ghetto gaggers anyway... plus I don't have 40 inches of bounce anyway... lol... so effective immediately... hiatus!
So after all that tangent story book what have we learned here? Me, free spirit, open minded, fragile , overly sensitive, high fucking walls to break threw, mentally compromised at times, strong and weak... and by golly fucking dramatic attention whore albeit yes? Well for fuck sake ppl give whatever label they want to you... I don't care but what I will do is what I fucking want from now on. I'll be taking advantage of the fact that the house is relatively empty of ppl since my last tour here. (there's only 3 of us at the moment) and a lot more calm and my apprehension about being here has diminished about 70% (I pulled that percentage out of my ass)
I'm checking on a job thing tomorrow (oops today lawls) and I'll see some other foot applying I can do during the day... I don't really have interview clothes but on the bright side, there is a really cheap clothing store near the house that I could probably pull together a decent interview type outfit for around 20 bucks... cause I have clothing skills like that and I'm not fat so... should be all good.
I apologize if I've gone too deep into info about a loved one of yours or something else... It's def not about them, it's about me. Brush it off as the nonsensical ramblings of a dumb dramatic black bitch... I'm sure some of you feel that way anyway. I'm not about to try to change you, or me for you... I'm just shifting blame... maybe ultimately I'm the master of my own existence... That has a wonderful ring to it.
And no I don't hate any of my ex's or any person I've dated or banged. I love each and every one of you mofo's... wanna deal with me do it, if you don't that's cool too... life's too short to give a fuck whether you want to or not. I'm not trying to change your opinions of anyone. I never was... I simply do not care how you feel about someone who isn't going to be active in my life anymore. I don't get anything out of you disliking someone... chances are if you hold that view I probably don't wont be getting much out of you anyway. Ask what someone means don't assume... my brain don't work like yours... clever schizoid that I may be (yes know what a schizoid is...)
Transmission be ending here (ranting makes you look bad don't it?)
Ya know for the longest time I felt I had no support system, not a damn thing. In all honesty though... people have checked in on me here and there and haven't gotten "close" for whatever their reasons may be. Either they've moved, been really busy w/ work... but a few of you have been really supportive in this time. I lost a lot of myself in this last relationship. My automatic Christ I fucking plumb gave up at least a good 90% of the principles and fucking moral code (and sometimes lack there of) that I've stood by for years over 1 dick. I mean not bad dick but... 1 person isn't worth losing yourself over. I feel good to come back to what that was.
Thanks wolfy wolf like hanger ons for uh... making me feel not so undesirable (even though some of you I think are out of your mind and delusional more so than I can be) Some of you are funny and have always been straight forward. Some of you don't know me at all... and perhaps we might wanna keep it that way. I'm in no position or desire to want to be w/ anyone... No man, no woman, no vegetable. Granted this is what day 2 of singleness and already I feel like I've come out of the hot sauna and shed some shit I was previously unawares of (teehee unawares underwears *giggetty giggetty*)
Who am I w/out disassociating... and boy did I disassociate a lot during the past day or so... during many events. It's not a fun feeling to not really be there or feel the unreal. Obviously if I'm feeling the need to do this life aint so grand is it? I haven't disconnected this much since my highschool days.
I'm fucking BPD this is for certain. I know this (and no a diagnosis doesn't make you entirely who you are but the reading I've been doing lately, that I've done before is helping me to understand myself that much more) Lack of stable sense of self. I DO chamelionize to whoever may be around. Since I know I do this... (granted this is a fairly new discovery and I can ultimately back it up w/ just about everyone I dated how my long term goals suddenly shifted... did things I never would normally do, gave up shit I used to enjoy)... I need to be a little bit more picky about at least who I'm around cause they will indeed rub the fuck off on me. Fact being... I've never been more paranoid, jealous... in my life. Granted I have been angry all on my own but not violent by nature. In fact I avoid violence at all costs. I hate fighting, yelling... I'd need someone around me who feels the same way. I need someone who is confident, their confidence (whether it's real or grandiosity) will rub off...
Though above all this... I think I'm going to learn to be alone for a while. I didn't take enough time to do this before I jumped into this clusterfuck so I'd like to avoid a bad situation waiting to happen. Red flags everywhere and sirens and fuck. To be honest everyone I've dated was a variation of the first. Either same extreme, far less extreme (so they came off harmless but the harmless one's have bite sometimes too lol) extreme in some of the same areas, gentle in others. I guess this is all something to keep in mind... the kind of ppl I am attracted to.
I'm not saying that all of my problems stem on who I'm with but this is one thing I know for certain about myself. I can trace it fairly far back. W/ the first b/f he was into cars not school so I wanted to learn how to build cars, got into comic books and even a style of dress. When his style of dress changed so did mine. Some how I rationalized this. Liked a guy into DDR got waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more involved in it than I would've been on my own. Liked a guy into doubles, got far too into that... got pretty good at it but still. B/f likes BDSM so do I. Want me to be a subby... I can do that. Want me to be dominant I do that quite well too... fuck buddies of the past re-opening a gaming soft spot that's stuck mostly. Intense when dating someone whose into games. Not so much care when alone. If I'm with a non-jealous open dude, I'm this way... that was kinda nice... wow I'm actually remembering what was nice about an ex long past, well better make sure not to make them a "hero".
"I don't exist when you don't see me, don't exist when you're not here... what the eye don't see wont break the heart even make believe when we're apart but when you leave I disappear"- Sisters of mercy... having a lyric for every damn thing I feel. No granted I know that every person, disorder or no exhibits traits of disorders because a symptom isn't really a disorder unless it causes issues w/ you functioning prosperously in life and shit like that right?
Until I figure out how to well not do this w/out thinking. Which I'm sure if it were that easy I wouldn't do it at all. There are things I'm fully aware of that I have no control over in the moment. IE: there's at least 3 or 4 different versions of myself... Strong self reliant me, insecure childish me, angry venomous me, silly retarded me... bleh bleh bleh I could keep going on. Hell I know my voice and even my mannerisms can change drastically during these switches and they can switch in a short amount of time. I've heard more than one person point this out who I've dated so... chances are it is what it is though I guess it only bothered 2 out of whatever serious semi serious daters . . . It bothers me, but all I can do is if I notice it or if it's brought up to me, try to snap myself out of certain masks. They're not bi-polar in nature, not a chemical imbalance... environmentally triggered... weirdness. My baseline mood is either really happy or incredibly cynical... sometimes it shifts up or down. I know this, does that stop it from happening? NOPE!
I think ultimately I'll probably need medications. "oh no you don't need meds guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl strong will bla bla" ok yeah that works or at least gives the illusion of success for a few months during a non stressful period.... cause guess what... not stress can't revert into weird ass coping mechanisms from fucking an abused child to deal with the big scary adult world....cause uh there isn't anything to run away from. When there is major stress (and rest assured there always is) Whether it be a new job (cause every new job I get at least mild panic attacks that I have to deal with especially if it's w/ a vast majority of the general public IE: being a fucking ride operator... wtf was I thinking. NOT A JOB FOR SOMEONE WHO NO LIKEY BIG GROUPS OF NEW PPL AROUND ALL THE DAMN TIME!!) school, date, trying to take a painful shit...
I tend to get really passionate about something and midway through loose even mild interest. So by golly if we can keep something going for more than a week... maybe we got something or you're really trying. I'm impulsive. I've managed to control at least part of it... I guess being sober helps one to not do as many stupid things. yes I drank the other day, If you had the day I had you would too. I still don't think I'm a raging alcoholic. YES I DO OVER DRINK IF I DON'T KEEP MYSELF IN CHECK OR HAVE SOMEONE LOOKING OVER ME! I know my limit... I didn't drink much, fact is I spent most of the day high on weed. I don't think I've ever smoked that much in my life. Kinda an interesting combination... for the perfect don't feel shit don't give a fuck and the best fucking pain killer known to man. Kinda sucked when it wore off and feeling the effects of the day before but I do remember everything. I kept to my own personal boundaries which from the last relationship I've learned that it's up to me to uphold those. I'm in control of my own personal safety... don't let anyone do anything you're not comfortable with.... I think at least for now I can and have handled it to satisfactory parameters. *pat self on back for shit you should've learned in adolescence but you were too busy getting abused cheese whine*
I still have no desire to drink while going out dancing. Frankly it's a fuck palace and I'm not in the mood to get raped for the who knows what number we're at now. I'm tired of dealing w/ police who don't give a fuck anyway. At least I know to never wash away the semen though you have a pretty strong urge to scrub until you bleed, piss yourself and let the scalding hot water wash oneself down the drain.... BRILLIANT!
So what I need to do is figure out what I would be happy, or at least can mentally handle doing. Food service is out of the question. Unless it's at certain types of places where the customers aren't bitchy pricks all the time. SOOOOO MC DONALD'S IS OUT! I probably wouldn't handle being a waitress in a busy regular restaurant too well, on the other hand... I'd handle being tipped well enough. I dunno if I'm ready to test those waters... I love working w/ animals (dogs in particular)... done it a few times and I'd be very happy in that type of job. I really miss working in a dog park, running w/ the dogs, playing w/ them in their runs... well the breaking up dog fights part was scary... most of the time you don't get there fast enough, a few times I was the only one around and had enough experience to know that shit was going down... most of the time you can break the tension before a fight starts by making a funny noise or simply moving one dog away from another. The one fight I do remember breaking up was funny cause they were both relatively small dogs. I remember ending in some sort of weird not quite half split position going hey guys... please grab one... this not so comfy. I felt so legit that day.
I wonder... do I need AA per say? Of all the folks who've known me before... who have known me for years, I wonder how many would think to go to such drastic measures. None so far... and that's probably the most correct assessment. I feel when I'm ready I'll look into some actual therapy options... I don't feel a need to drink, don't need it to function... don't really need anything but food and orgasms (sigh I haven't had sex in 2 days... this blows)
At first I was thinking the thought of someone you love with someone else is a highly disturbing thought... to be honest though I've thought about it a lot in my head, visualized it (yes I know fucking weird) It's bound to happen. Don't too much care so much anymore. Oh this is coming from someone who hasn't seen anything yet. Then again I doubt I'll be in a position to see anything anytime soon so by the time I do see anything (if that comes) I'm sure I'll be over it in my own fucking shit!
Friends... you mother fuckers... who come around and listen to me during these gay ass shit fuck times. I love you and thank you for pulling me out of my emo I R ALL ALONE IN TEH WORLD kick. Thanks for being random and shifting my brain to talks of farts and rocket propelled rainbow kitty fuck shit... Thanks for being serious and listening when needed. Thanks for making sense. Just fucking thank you. You better know who you are. Especially the two ppl who made me smile yesterday... I, thought smiles were forbidden forever!!!! EVER!!!!
I'm another ex girlfriend on your list but I should've thought of that after some random ass freak outs that freaked me out at the time that one's free spirit wouldn't be so damn free no more.
A tid bit though on sex industry jobs, nude jobs... anything you can probably wack off too. I had slight apprehension about this type of work before I'd been involved in it. Being that now I either know a good amount of ppl in porn who are perfectly happy w/ it. I guess the average person considers solo work (which is solo masturbation ) "real porn" to which I never considered it cause I fucking masturbate on my own quite religiously and I don't see an issue w/ that or getting paid for it. I don't think I'll ever have issue with that. Would I wanna do b/g shit? Not really, never wanted to b/c I know the assholes who produce the shit (and not all of you but a lot of the male talent are fucking woman haters) Granted a lot of the female talent can be dirt dumb or pretending to be dumb because that's what we're brought up to be like... so I guess I get everyone's part in the play. It can be difficult to get out of. Some don't want to, some do. Stripping I have no issue w/... I like dancing, I like money... fusion. If you wanna look down on these things while partaking in them on a frequent basis no less you are a moron... plain and simple. The moral splitting and hypocrisy there just doesn't make sense... By all means if you have issues w/ this type of work, deep moral cutting issues... (like trying to project ur negative feelings about such b/c you ultimately see these women as pieces of meat... so everyone must feel that way, now a lot probably do, but whose to say a lot don't feel that way about women anyway. The opinions of someone who doesn't know you should never weigh heavy on one's heart... ) please PLEASE FOR FUCK SAKE steer clear... While I'm pretty sure w/ my limited wardrobe and all this mental shit going on coupled w/ the onslaught of professional folk who probably don't wanna deal with me anymore cause of the crazy possessive b/f (not my words... their words though I feel in over half of those cases they most likely wanted me to bang them which meh... is what it is, doesn't mean ya gotta do it but if ur attractive ppl are probably going to want to fuck you where ever you go). Plus I'm dark as fuck... oh that shouldn't matter... well ask anyone it still does. I'd rather not be in the next 40 ounce bounce or ghetto gaggers anyway... plus I don't have 40 inches of bounce anyway... lol... so effective immediately... hiatus!
So after all that tangent story book what have we learned here? Me, free spirit, open minded, fragile , overly sensitive, high fucking walls to break threw, mentally compromised at times, strong and weak... and by golly fucking dramatic attention whore albeit yes? Well for fuck sake ppl give whatever label they want to you... I don't care but what I will do is what I fucking want from now on. I'll be taking advantage of the fact that the house is relatively empty of ppl since my last tour here. (there's only 3 of us at the moment) and a lot more calm and my apprehension about being here has diminished about 70% (I pulled that percentage out of my ass)
I'm checking on a job thing tomorrow (oops today lawls) and I'll see some other foot applying I can do during the day... I don't really have interview clothes but on the bright side, there is a really cheap clothing store near the house that I could probably pull together a decent interview type outfit for around 20 bucks... cause I have clothing skills like that and I'm not fat so... should be all good.
I apologize if I've gone too deep into info about a loved one of yours or something else... It's def not about them, it's about me. Brush it off as the nonsensical ramblings of a dumb dramatic black bitch... I'm sure some of you feel that way anyway. I'm not about to try to change you, or me for you... I'm just shifting blame... maybe ultimately I'm the master of my own existence... That has a wonderful ring to it.
And no I don't hate any of my ex's or any person I've dated or banged. I love each and every one of you mofo's... wanna deal with me do it, if you don't that's cool too... life's too short to give a fuck whether you want to or not. I'm not trying to change your opinions of anyone. I never was... I simply do not care how you feel about someone who isn't going to be active in my life anymore. I don't get anything out of you disliking someone... chances are if you hold that view I probably don't wont be getting much out of you anyway. Ask what someone means don't assume... my brain don't work like yours... clever schizoid that I may be (yes know what a schizoid is...)
Transmission be ending here (ranting makes you look bad don't it?)
Friday, April 1, 2011
Before I fall into a plate of veggies and much needed yoga
I rant... I rant a rant of ranty rant rant... about fucking public transit. I really loath leaving hours early only to end up being late anyway... or hours early and waiting around. I could better spend my time cursing, shitting, fucking... but sitting around on a filthy bus w/ boring ppl sweating and shit just fucking sucks. Most of the metro has hobo's on that shit.... so you're bound to smell something gross in the warmer months (as I'm sure I'll smell some interesting smells during tonight and tomorrows bus treks) ugh ugh ugh...
I wish I owned a tank so I could run over all traffic, bus's. I'd want it to shoot different things depending on my mood. When I'm happy, confetti. When I'm sad... uh fucking acid rain? I don't fucking know. It should also be able to hover over water. Slap hoes... punch bitches and make me dinner.
I hate missing important things because of the inconvenience of bus riding. Granted I haven't had to ride the bus much recently so I'm getting re-introduced. Still it does suck. I have a week and 3 days more of freedom to think it over. To be pissed about how much I'll have to pay for an EZ pass (I believe the one I need costs 150 or very close to it. Did the math. I would end up spending close to 200 or more going the normal route w/out a pass or buying separate passes for each transit. The bus that stops near me is super unreliable so I'm stuck taking a big ass loop around the city until I get a bucket of my own *sigh* at least the non metro bus... blarrrrg)
All is not lost though. I rescheduled my orientation date (regrettably. I was so excited about it this morning. Thinking of all the ways I could pull my weight more efficiently. The nice things I'd be able to do for others... getting a car and maybe getting some more hobbies too. I can still do those things it's just gonna take a bit more time than I'd hoped for).
I'll still be able to go out w/ a friend tonight. I can't really recall the last time we like really went out to dance and bullshit. Should be interesting considering my sober standings for the past few months. When I look back on everything, I do feel fortunate for those who still want to be around. Who can tolerate my eccentricities and flaws at least to some degree. I'm very hard on myself for being wrong and stubborn too. I do open up to ppl but not terribly quickly. There are others I'd love to be more open w/ but I've yet to do so in a real way. I enjoy their company, wisdom... I look up to many of them in a lot of ways because they're where I'd like to be. There are others who I never gave a real chance, built up a fortress for myself for fears of rejection or ultimately to avoid anything remotely dramatic. Though all in all if you are to truly be there for someone... there's that risk thing... you do have to put yourself out there a bit. There are bonds long broken... some I miss and others I think that all parties are better off w/out. Others that I wonder what I could have done differently... I think relationships, friendship, romantic, family... all possible kinds will bewilder me to an extent. All the logic I try to place on them doesn't always seem to fit. I feel very Vulcan sometimes. Adhering to these rules of logic and calm to control overwhelming passionate feelings that I don't fully acknowledge at least not at all times. Sometime it takes a few weeks to really figure out what's wrong and by then it seems too late. (forgive me I have begun to ramble lol)
In the coming weeks (especially once work really starts going ) I'm going to think about what career paths I would be happiest doing. I'd considered something in the Veterinary field. I always liked animals more than ppl. Though I'm mostly over my fear of dogs I do have fears of other animals. I'm also afraid of being bitten too... which if I am to have that sort of job can happen from time to time. (odd since all this whole testing of the pain threshold that I like to do... you'd think this would be easy peeeeeezeeee lol ) Option 2 would be some for of child psychology. I'd especially like to work w/ abused children or those in foster care. I've come from both backgrounds. There are times when I miss knowing that at a certain time in the week I can talk to a totally non involved party about what ever I want. Something freeing in that. I know that having that experience made me a less likely to act rash as I was prone to do. I don't think I really appreciated it as much at the time as I would now... I can see it's benefit...
Alright guess I should yoga, shower, pick out tomorrows night time outfit, eat something, go to the bank, finish watching black snake moan...
End Transmission
I wish I owned a tank so I could run over all traffic, bus's. I'd want it to shoot different things depending on my mood. When I'm happy, confetti. When I'm sad... uh fucking acid rain? I don't fucking know. It should also be able to hover over water. Slap hoes... punch bitches and make me dinner.
I hate missing important things because of the inconvenience of bus riding. Granted I haven't had to ride the bus much recently so I'm getting re-introduced. Still it does suck. I have a week and 3 days more of freedom to think it over. To be pissed about how much I'll have to pay for an EZ pass (I believe the one I need costs 150 or very close to it. Did the math. I would end up spending close to 200 or more going the normal route w/out a pass or buying separate passes for each transit. The bus that stops near me is super unreliable so I'm stuck taking a big ass loop around the city until I get a bucket of my own *sigh* at least the non metro bus... blarrrrg)
All is not lost though. I rescheduled my orientation date (regrettably. I was so excited about it this morning. Thinking of all the ways I could pull my weight more efficiently. The nice things I'd be able to do for others... getting a car and maybe getting some more hobbies too. I can still do those things it's just gonna take a bit more time than I'd hoped for).
I'll still be able to go out w/ a friend tonight. I can't really recall the last time we like really went out to dance and bullshit. Should be interesting considering my sober standings for the past few months. When I look back on everything, I do feel fortunate for those who still want to be around. Who can tolerate my eccentricities and flaws at least to some degree. I'm very hard on myself for being wrong and stubborn too. I do open up to ppl but not terribly quickly. There are others I'd love to be more open w/ but I've yet to do so in a real way. I enjoy their company, wisdom... I look up to many of them in a lot of ways because they're where I'd like to be. There are others who I never gave a real chance, built up a fortress for myself for fears of rejection or ultimately to avoid anything remotely dramatic. Though all in all if you are to truly be there for someone... there's that risk thing... you do have to put yourself out there a bit. There are bonds long broken... some I miss and others I think that all parties are better off w/out. Others that I wonder what I could have done differently... I think relationships, friendship, romantic, family... all possible kinds will bewilder me to an extent. All the logic I try to place on them doesn't always seem to fit. I feel very Vulcan sometimes. Adhering to these rules of logic and calm to control overwhelming passionate feelings that I don't fully acknowledge at least not at all times. Sometime it takes a few weeks to really figure out what's wrong and by then it seems too late. (forgive me I have begun to ramble lol)
In the coming weeks (especially once work really starts going ) I'm going to think about what career paths I would be happiest doing. I'd considered something in the Veterinary field. I always liked animals more than ppl. Though I'm mostly over my fear of dogs I do have fears of other animals. I'm also afraid of being bitten too... which if I am to have that sort of job can happen from time to time. (odd since all this whole testing of the pain threshold that I like to do... you'd think this would be easy peeeeeezeeee lol ) Option 2 would be some for of child psychology. I'd especially like to work w/ abused children or those in foster care. I've come from both backgrounds. There are times when I miss knowing that at a certain time in the week I can talk to a totally non involved party about what ever I want. Something freeing in that. I know that having that experience made me a less likely to act rash as I was prone to do. I don't think I really appreciated it as much at the time as I would now... I can see it's benefit...
Alright guess I should yoga, shower, pick out tomorrows night time outfit, eat something, go to the bank, finish watching black snake moan...
End Transmission
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
To write or not to type that is the question
I've had plenty of thoughts for unloading but not as much desire to write them down. I've certainly got a long history of either folks getting highly offended over said writings... simply being ridiculed.
Kinda disheartening since I really do enjoy writing ever so much. Perhaps if I was better at it I could get a job making captions and tag lines for pictures lol.
So the real calamity on my mind has nothing to do w/ stalkers, past offences or anything of the like. My better gut feelings says to keep it myself/ write that person directly and hope for absolutely nothing.
When I consider (or am considering) someone a friend (for friendship), even if they piss me the fuck off and I end up talking mad shit (only those who have the ability to provide love and good feelings have the power to critically wound as they tend to know what soft spots to strike/their opinion and feelings actually matter to me) I do eventually get over it and put my all into them again.
I've been for a while not willing to put a terrible amount of energy into anyone/on a personal self bettering journey. Not sure how well I'm doing but I know I have to at least been attempting to deal w/ certain demons before really bringing others in. Recently I feel like I've gotten to a point to half way get back into talking to folks. Now I'm not entirely sure what I feel. A bit hurt but not surprised. (I apologize for being vague in fact I shouldn't stay on this subject any longer)
I also spent like an hour sitting around thinking of what to make a video of. I figured I should do one since I usually don't look that nice. It didn't happen. If you guys had any suggestions for things you'd like to hear me talk about, not talk about, let me know. I've got a wide range of interests (and yet for that hour I couldn't pull from any of those). I think it's cause I worry too much about sounding like a buffoon or that I'll jumble up my words and say ummmmm a lot lol.
I guess that's about it. I will hopefully get that dancing fancy video done soon...(shit keeps coming up to make that not happen, at least I got to have much needed relaxing girl days though) Desert shoot slated for sometime at the end of the month.
(photo by Haley Rose)
End Transmission
Kinda disheartening since I really do enjoy writing ever so much. Perhaps if I was better at it I could get a job making captions and tag lines for pictures lol.
So the real calamity on my mind has nothing to do w/ stalkers, past offences or anything of the like. My better gut feelings says to keep it myself/ write that person directly and hope for absolutely nothing.
When I consider (or am considering) someone a friend (for friendship), even if they piss me the fuck off and I end up talking mad shit (only those who have the ability to provide love and good feelings have the power to critically wound as they tend to know what soft spots to strike/their opinion and feelings actually matter to me) I do eventually get over it and put my all into them again.
I've been for a while not willing to put a terrible amount of energy into anyone/on a personal self bettering journey. Not sure how well I'm doing but I know I have to at least been attempting to deal w/ certain demons before really bringing others in. Recently I feel like I've gotten to a point to half way get back into talking to folks. Now I'm not entirely sure what I feel. A bit hurt but not surprised. (I apologize for being vague in fact I shouldn't stay on this subject any longer)
I also spent like an hour sitting around thinking of what to make a video of. I figured I should do one since I usually don't look that nice. It didn't happen. If you guys had any suggestions for things you'd like to hear me talk about, not talk about, let me know. I've got a wide range of interests (and yet for that hour I couldn't pull from any of those). I think it's cause I worry too much about sounding like a buffoon or that I'll jumble up my words and say ummmmm a lot lol.
I guess that's about it. I will hopefully get that dancing fancy video done soon...(shit keeps coming up to make that not happen, at least I got to have much needed relaxing girl days though) Desert shoot slated for sometime at the end of the month.
End Transmission
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
As a child
Our feelings gave clues to what we wanted, needed, our desires. It's our own job now as adults to make sure they're communicated clearly. I know I'm guilty of not always being clear about personal boundaries and neglectful of my own needs for others but I will do my best to fix this.
I've noticed others as well as myself saying things like.... "he should have known this" "Well you've known me all THESE YEARS how could you not know?" sure we can guess at things a good deal of the time but if you really want your desires to be met it's your job to make sure you're clear about what is is that you want, intentions... etc.
So many relationships, love wise, family and friendships suffer b/c ppl refuse to take responsibility in the communication process. I'm aware of this now so hopefully this will help me to keep my eyes open.
(this drawing by Irene Roga... she can be found on deviantart.com )
End Transmission
I've noticed others as well as myself saying things like.... "he should have known this" "Well you've known me all THESE YEARS how could you not know?" sure we can guess at things a good deal of the time but if you really want your desires to be met it's your job to make sure you're clear about what is is that you want, intentions... etc.
So many relationships, love wise, family and friendships suffer b/c ppl refuse to take responsibility in the communication process. I'm aware of this now so hopefully this will help me to keep my eyes open.
(this drawing by Irene Roga... she can be found on deviantart.com )
End Transmission
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
morning =mourn cause no one should be up at this hour!
NO ONE! I haven't felt so exhausted in a long long while. I'm gonna burn out hard around noon. I wonder why they've done away w/ nap time as ppl get older? I think adults need it far more than 4 year olds. We aren't so abundant in energy.
F.A.N.Z..... Killed horses, unearned praise and a relationship shows it's true well way this week. It's funny that so much angst can be caused by folks simply brooding/reading things in the wrong manner/why the fuck do ppl concern themselves so much w/ ppl they never see?
Speaking of which, I guess I'm hypocritical in that front. I must admit that hate, dislike, repulsion makes for a disgusting attraction in a sense (did that make sense/change?) I do believe I've reached a breaking point. Humans love repetition an routine but so do retards. I bore of the same mundane shit over and over.
Be nice to have friends who I could discuss the artistic value in a cum shot... ok maybe not that but just knowing more folks who are willing to do activities (outside of arcades and even clubbing ) instead of professing how BORED they are all the time. People who aren't complaining how unhappy they are w/ their bodies as they eat that bacon wtf and remain immobile all fucking day.
Things are changing. It's been a slow SLOW process but I know what appreciate from those I choose to interact w/ and what I don't. That I'm extremely turned off by idiots and idiots who find themselves to be profound are even more revolting. Fake connections... IE: saying a relationship is deeper than it obviously is... Those who shout their disdain for a person and yet they're always around them... LA is a BIG fucking city and you can't find other hoes to be around? I get it you have the same "friends" but why is that? Birds of a feather flock together so you must have something in common if you keep running into each other w/ the same damn people.
Losing dead relationships is no longer a fear for me. . . befriending someone who can't comprehend simple English, science math, especially considering that my basic math skills are worst than illegals working in fruit fields so someone dumber than me wouldn't benefit me one bit haha
(why is that pic there? Cause shut up I don't have to answer to you... I'm half asleep)
End Transmission
F.A.N.Z..... Killed horses, unearned praise and a relationship shows it's true well way this week. It's funny that so much angst can be caused by folks simply brooding/reading things in the wrong manner/why the fuck do ppl concern themselves so much w/ ppl they never see?
Speaking of which, I guess I'm hypocritical in that front. I must admit that hate, dislike, repulsion makes for a disgusting attraction in a sense (did that make sense/change?) I do believe I've reached a breaking point. Humans love repetition an routine but so do retards. I bore of the same mundane shit over and over.
Be nice to have friends who I could discuss the artistic value in a cum shot... ok maybe not that but just knowing more folks who are willing to do activities (outside of arcades and even clubbing ) instead of professing how BORED they are all the time. People who aren't complaining how unhappy they are w/ their bodies as they eat that bacon wtf and remain immobile all fucking day.
Things are changing. It's been a slow SLOW process but I know what appreciate from those I choose to interact w/ and what I don't. That I'm extremely turned off by idiots and idiots who find themselves to be profound are even more revolting. Fake connections... IE: saying a relationship is deeper than it obviously is... Those who shout their disdain for a person and yet they're always around them... LA is a BIG fucking city and you can't find other hoes to be around? I get it you have the same "friends" but why is that? Birds of a feather flock together so you must have something in common if you keep running into each other w/ the same damn people.
Losing dead relationships is no longer a fear for me. . . befriending someone who can't comprehend simple English, science math, especially considering that my basic math skills are worst than illegals working in fruit fields so someone dumber than me wouldn't benefit me one bit haha
(why is that pic there? Cause shut up I don't have to answer to you... I'm half asleep)
End Transmission
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