Thursday, May 26, 2011

Thinking positive

I wonder if I'm going to be up at 4:30-5am for the next shit I don't know when hahaha. I've had about a day to really feel my pain. Be mostly by myself and for my body to heal itself. Glad to say that my hands, wrists, and neck feel a lot better, back hurts less, sides are still a bit tender but I think the bed sorta helped. Yay drooly sleep (lol tmi??)

Ya know for the longest time I felt I had no support system, not a damn thing. In all honesty though... people have checked in on me here and there and haven't gotten "close" for whatever their reasons may be. Either they've moved, been really busy w/ work... but a few of you have been really supportive in this time. I lost a lot of myself in this last relationship. My automatic Christ I fucking plumb gave up at least a good 90% of the principles and fucking moral code (and sometimes lack there of) that I've stood by for years over 1 dick. I mean not bad dick but... 1 person isn't worth losing yourself over. I feel good to come back to what that was.

Thanks wolfy wolf like hanger ons for uh... making me feel not so undesirable (even though some of you I think are out of your mind and delusional more so than I can be) Some of you are funny and have always been straight forward. Some of you don't know me at all... and perhaps we might wanna keep it that way. I'm in no position or desire to want to be w/ anyone... No man, no woman, no vegetable. Granted this is what day 2 of singleness and already I feel like I've come out of the hot sauna and shed some shit I was previously unawares of (teehee unawares underwears *giggetty giggetty*)

Who am I w/out disassociating... and boy did I disassociate a lot during the past day or so... during many events. It's not a fun feeling to not really be there or feel the unreal. Obviously if I'm feeling the need to do this life aint so grand is it? I haven't disconnected this much since my highschool days.

I'm fucking BPD this is for certain. I know this (and no a diagnosis doesn't make you entirely who you are but the reading I've been doing lately, that I've done before is helping me to understand myself that much more) Lack of stable sense of self. I DO chamelionize to whoever may be around. Since I know I do this... (granted this is a fairly new discovery and I can ultimately back it up w/ just about everyone I dated how my long term goals suddenly shifted... did things I never would normally do, gave up shit I used to enjoy)... I need to be a little bit more picky about at least who I'm around cause they will indeed rub the fuck off on me. Fact being... I've never been more paranoid, jealous... in my life. Granted I have been angry all on my own but not violent by nature. In fact I avoid violence at all costs. I hate fighting, yelling... I'd need someone around me who feels the same way. I need someone who is confident, their confidence (whether it's real or grandiosity) will rub off...

Though above all this... I think I'm going to learn to be alone for a while. I didn't take enough time to do this before I jumped into this clusterfuck so I'd like to avoid a bad situation waiting to happen. Red flags everywhere and sirens and fuck. To be honest everyone I've dated was a variation of the first. Either same extreme, far less extreme (so they came off harmless but the harmless one's have bite sometimes too lol) extreme in some of the same areas, gentle in others. I guess this is all something to keep in mind... the kind of ppl I am attracted to.

I'm not saying that all of my problems stem on who I'm with but this is one thing I know for certain about myself. I can trace it fairly far back. W/ the first b/f he was into cars not school so I wanted to learn how to build cars, got into comic books and even a style of dress. When his style of dress changed so did mine. Some how I rationalized this. Liked a guy into DDR got waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more involved in it than I would've been on my own. Liked a guy into doubles, got far too into that... got pretty good at it but still. B/f likes BDSM so do I. Want me to be a subby... I can do that. Want me to be dominant I do that quite well too... fuck buddies of the past re-opening a gaming soft spot that's stuck mostly. Intense when dating someone whose into games. Not so much care when alone. If I'm with a non-jealous open dude, I'm this way... that was kinda nice... wow I'm actually remembering what was nice about an ex long past, well better make sure not to make them a "hero".

"I don't exist when you don't see me, don't exist when you're not here... what the eye don't see wont break the heart even make believe when we're apart but when you leave I disappear"- Sisters of mercy... having a lyric for every damn thing I feel. No granted I know that every person, disorder or no exhibits traits of disorders because a symptom isn't really a disorder unless it causes issues w/ you functioning prosperously in life and shit like that right?

Until I figure out how to well not do this w/out thinking. Which I'm sure if it were that easy I wouldn't do it at all. There are things I'm fully aware of that I have no control over in the moment. IE: there's at least 3 or 4 different versions of myself... Strong self reliant me, insecure childish me, angry venomous me, silly retarded me... bleh bleh bleh I could keep going on. Hell I know my voice and even my mannerisms can change drastically during these switches and they can switch in a short amount of time. I've heard more than one person point this out who I've dated so... chances are it is what it is though I guess it only bothered 2 out of whatever serious semi serious daters . . . It bothers me, but all I can do is if I notice it or if it's brought up to me, try to snap myself out of certain masks. They're not bi-polar in nature, not a chemical imbalance... environmentally triggered... weirdness. My baseline mood is either really happy or incredibly cynical... sometimes it shifts up or down. I know this, does that stop it from happening? NOPE!

I think ultimately I'll probably need medications. "oh no you don't need meds guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl strong will bla bla" ok yeah that works or at least gives the illusion of success for a few months during a non stressful period.... cause guess what... not stress can't revert into weird ass coping mechanisms from fucking an abused child to deal with the big scary adult world....cause uh there isn't anything to run away from. When there is major stress (and rest assured there always is) Whether it be a new job (cause every new job I get at least mild panic attacks that I have to deal with especially if it's w/ a vast majority of the general public IE: being a fucking ride operator... wtf was I thinking. NOT A JOB FOR SOMEONE WHO NO LIKEY BIG GROUPS OF NEW PPL AROUND ALL THE DAMN TIME!!) school, date, trying to take a painful shit...

I tend to get really passionate about something and midway through loose even mild interest. So by golly if we can keep something going for more than a week... maybe we got something or you're really trying. I'm impulsive. I've managed to control at least part of it... I guess being sober helps one to not do as many stupid things. yes I drank the other day, If you had the day I had you would too. I still don't think I'm a raging alcoholic. YES I DO OVER DRINK IF I DON'T KEEP MYSELF IN CHECK OR HAVE SOMEONE LOOKING OVER ME! I know my limit... I didn't drink much, fact is I spent most of the day high on weed. I don't think I've ever smoked that much in my life. Kinda an interesting combination... for the perfect don't feel shit don't give a fuck and the best fucking pain killer known to man. Kinda sucked when it wore off and feeling the effects of the day before but I do remember everything. I kept to my own personal boundaries which from the last relationship I've learned that it's up to me to uphold those. I'm in control of my own personal safety... don't let anyone do anything you're not comfortable with.... I think at least for now I can and have handled it to satisfactory parameters. *pat self on back for shit you should've learned in adolescence but you were too busy getting abused cheese whine*

I still have no desire to drink while going out dancing. Frankly it's a fuck palace and I'm not in the mood to get raped for the who knows what number we're at now. I'm tired of dealing w/ police who don't give a fuck anyway. At least I know to never wash away the semen though you have a pretty strong urge to scrub until you bleed, piss yourself and let the scalding hot water wash oneself down the drain.... BRILLIANT!

So what I need to do is figure out what I would be happy, or at least can mentally handle doing. Food service is out of the question. Unless it's at certain types of places where the customers aren't bitchy pricks all the time. SOOOOO MC DONALD'S IS OUT! I probably wouldn't handle being a waitress in a busy regular restaurant too well, on the other hand... I'd handle being tipped well enough. I dunno if I'm ready to test those waters... I love working w/ animals (dogs in particular)... done it a few times and I'd be very happy in that type of job. I really miss working in a dog park, running w/ the dogs, playing w/ them in their runs... well the breaking up dog fights part was scary... most of the time you don't get there fast enough, a few times I was the only one around and had enough experience to know that shit was going down... most of the time you can break the tension before a fight starts by making a funny noise or simply moving one dog away from another. The one fight I do remember breaking up was funny cause they were both relatively small dogs. I remember ending in some sort of weird not quite half split position going hey guys... please grab one... this not so comfy. I felt so legit that day.

I wonder... do I need AA per say? Of all the folks who've known me before... who have known me for years, I wonder how many would think to go to such drastic measures. None so far... and that's probably the most correct assessment. I feel when I'm ready I'll look into some actual therapy options... I don't feel a need to drink, don't need it to function... don't really need anything but food and orgasms (sigh I haven't had sex in 2 days... this blows)

At first I was thinking the thought of someone you love with someone else is a highly disturbing thought... to be honest though I've thought about it a lot in my head, visualized it (yes I know fucking weird) It's bound to happen. Don't too much care so much anymore. Oh this is coming from someone who hasn't seen anything yet. Then again I doubt I'll be in a position to see anything anytime soon so by the time I do see anything (if that comes) I'm sure I'll be over it in my own fucking shit!

Friends... you mother fuckers... who come around and listen to me during these gay ass shit fuck times. I love you and thank you for pulling me out of my emo I R ALL ALONE IN TEH WORLD kick. Thanks for being random and shifting my brain to talks of farts and rocket propelled rainbow kitty fuck shit... Thanks for being serious and listening when needed. Thanks for making sense. Just fucking thank you. You better know who you are. Especially the two ppl who made me smile yesterday... I, thought smiles were forbidden forever!!!! EVER!!!!

I'm another ex girlfriend on your list but I should've thought of that after some random ass freak outs that freaked me out at the time that one's free spirit wouldn't be so damn free no more.

A tid bit though on sex industry jobs, nude jobs... anything you can probably wack off too. I had slight apprehension about this type of work before I'd been involved in it. Being that now I either know a good amount of ppl in porn who are perfectly happy w/ it. I guess the average person considers solo work (which is solo masturbation ) "real porn" to which I never considered it cause I fucking masturbate on my own quite religiously and I don't see an issue w/ that or getting paid for it. I don't think I'll ever have issue with that. Would I wanna do b/g shit? Not really, never wanted to b/c I know the assholes who produce the shit (and not all of you but a lot of the male talent are fucking woman haters) Granted a lot of the female talent can be dirt dumb or pretending to be dumb because that's what we're brought up to be like... so I guess I get everyone's part in the play. It can be difficult to get out of. Some don't want to, some do. Stripping I have no issue w/... I like dancing, I like money... fusion. If you wanna look down on these things while partaking in them on a frequent basis no less you are a moron... plain and simple. The moral splitting and hypocrisy there just doesn't make sense... By all means if you have issues w/ this type of work, deep moral cutting issues... (like trying to project ur negative feelings about such b/c you ultimately see these women as pieces of meat... so everyone must feel that way, now a lot probably do, but whose to say a lot don't feel that way about women anyway. The opinions of someone who doesn't know you should never  weigh heavy on one's heart... ) please PLEASE FOR FUCK SAKE steer clear... While I'm pretty sure w/ my limited wardrobe and all this mental shit going on coupled w/ the onslaught of professional folk who probably don't wanna deal with me anymore cause of the crazy possessive b/f (not my words... their words though I feel in over half of those cases they most likely wanted me to bang them which meh... is what it is, doesn't mean ya gotta do it but if ur attractive ppl are probably going to want to fuck you where ever you go). Plus I'm dark as fuck... oh that shouldn't matter... well ask anyone it still does. I'd rather not be in the next 40 ounce bounce or ghetto gaggers anyway... plus I don't have 40 inches of bounce anyway... lol... so effective immediately... hiatus!

So after all that tangent story book what have we learned here? Me, free spirit, open minded, fragile , overly sensitive, high fucking walls to break threw, mentally compromised at times, strong and weak... and by golly fucking dramatic attention whore albeit yes? Well for fuck sake ppl give whatever label they want to you... I don't care but what I will do is what I fucking want from now on. I'll be taking advantage of the fact that the house is relatively empty of ppl since my last tour here. (there's only 3 of us at the moment) and a lot more calm and my apprehension about being here has diminished about 70% (I pulled that percentage out of my ass)

I'm checking on a job thing tomorrow (oops today lawls) and I'll see some other foot applying I can do during the day... I don't really have interview clothes but on the bright side, there is a really cheap clothing store near the house that I could probably pull together a decent interview type outfit for around 20 bucks... cause I have clothing skills like that and I'm not fat so... should be all good.

I apologize if I've gone too deep into info about a loved one of yours or something else... It's def not about them, it's about me. Brush it off as the nonsensical ramblings of a dumb dramatic black bitch... I'm sure some of you feel that way anyway. I'm not about to try to change you, or me for you... I'm just shifting blame... maybe ultimately I'm the master of my own existence... That has a wonderful ring to it.

And no I don't hate any of my ex's or any person I've dated or banged. I love each and every one of you mofo's... wanna deal with me do it, if you don't that's cool too... life's too short to give a fuck whether you want to or not. I'm not trying to change your opinions of anyone. I never was... I simply do not care how you feel about someone who isn't going to be active in my life anymore. I don't get anything out of you disliking someone... chances are if you hold that view I probably don't wont be getting much out of you anyway. Ask what someone means don't assume... my brain don't work like yours... clever schizoid that I may be (yes know what a schizoid is...)

Transmission be ending here (ranting makes you look bad don't it?)

No comments:

Post a Comment