Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Shit I learned today...

Well I went to check on mental health type endeavor-----zzzzz. I found a lot of things. I found that nothing's really free even if it doesn't cost money.  You'll have to wait a butt load of hours for it after signing a blood pact w/ lazer shooting kittens. I didn't mind it so much since it only took about 30 or so mins. to get over there. I will rant in the format I'm accustomed to... uh the one w/ very little focus that goes off on random tangents and over explains things like you're watching an anime about a game that assumes no one knows the rules because no one does w/ many many many run on sentences. (can you say all that in one breath... cause I can't)

Everything was all good, bus came on time.... transferred bus's and found that there were tiny little baby disease infested mice running around the bushes. Normally I'm petrified of every living creature on the face of the earth but for some reason I found them to be cute. I guess they were at a safe enough distance to where I wasn't too freaked out about them touching me. I preferred their company to the living dead living corpse lady who came on the bus yelling about some random ass shit and smelling like oblivion. Though her rant counter acted the first lady's rant about throwing out dishes cause her kids wouldn't wash them. All too reminiscent of childhood, adulthood and too much of my hood.

Get to the hospital, wait and wait and more waiting. I doodled a couple of random drawings and read some parental magazine that was sponsored by mc donald's that I wanted to take w/ me to laugh at how sad it was. How every article was followed by a  I take my kids to mc donald's we're TOTALLY healthy bullshit. No matter how much glitter you put on a turd it's still a turd...You're not fooling anyone... even your healthy shit is awful. You're not the whole foods of fast food.

SOOOOOOO my name gets called after much doodling. The lady was a bit abrasive actually. Not the kind caring type I'm used to at these kinds of places but I dunno... perhaps that's just the way she talks lol. So I got that uncomfortable pre-interview done. She informed me that I was never diagnosed w/ BPD... that I was being treated for depression before. I'm not 100% sure how I feel about that. I do remember asking the therapist when I was younger what was wrong w/ me, her saying something about borderline but I guess she never said "hey you got a personality disorder ya crazy bitch ha he ha ha HA!" I also was never on a cocktail of weird shit that they usually put you on when that's the problem (cause simple depression meds won't do anything cause if you got BPD you probably got a lot of shit going on right? Fuck if I know... I just went around thinking I was crazier than I actually am for the past few years... I feel super duper). Dammit now I gotta take responsibility for simply being a sullen pessimistic overly dramatic introvert weirdo? Guess I can live with that lol.

She did give me a list of places that were hiring (most of which I've found are grossly out of date). There's some annoying God prayer at the top asking to bless these listings. I guess it's his day off or he doesn't work for the not so prodigal fuck I dunno.

Then there was more waiting.... and some financial crap I had to fill out w/ a lady who couldn't type at all. I think I could do her job better than her and be more organized and seem less loopy. At the very least she was really nice and kinda made me laugh.

So now I have group meetings Tuesday's and I guess an official check-up intake thingy in two weeks? If I'm up to it I might go check on the place they told me to go to re-fill my old prescription though... part of me says I've been going this long w/out any meds... perhaps the day would be better spent applying to shit. The thought of leaving the house to go somewhere far kinda makes me tired right now lol.

The way home was ok. Found another store w/ spiffy ass weave and wigs and random ass shit... oh If I had known about these places during my many fun hair experiments.... the fun I could've had.... I think someone confused me for my sis on the way home which always freaks me out. Aside from being nearly a decade older and having some child look at me weird... it's generally not any kind of attention I'd want anyway. Some little dick shit head boy or some fucking hood rat bitch giving looks. Then again I tend to get that anyway even if they don't think I'm her so perhaps it's just that I'm eye pleasing and this is either too pleasing or green eye monster inducing on random ppl who should be more concerned w/ more important things.

W/ that said I realize that I could avoid most of that if I only had a fucking car. Bad side to that is if I had one I'd probably gain a shit load of weight... and not get to take long fun walks (though I haven't been doing that here anyway...)

So it seems that most things are falling into place though I'm missing the fuck out of having some privacy. I'm also not enjoying being put in the middle of family issues I don't care about. Having ppl talk to me about ppl I can't stand. I just can't pretend to care when I don't feel anything at all. If that makes me a psychopath for not having the least bit of empathy or sympathy then so be it... but I've about run out of patience for ppl not helping themselves and only bringing others down and those who play victim and need these types around. I'm so very tired of being dragged into dramatic bullshit. I will not allow this shit to fuck me over for the 50 billionth time. No talks to ppl who don't give a fuck about what I have to say. No visiting ppl who've attacked me over protecting an enabler who ultimately turns against you when the wind blows... a new me arises... the path of the asshole will not be diverted...

End Transmission

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