You just don't get it...

Everything we do, clothes we wear, shit we say, our actions pants an image of us. Most people aren't going to take the time to dig through all of a persons issues and ego protecting walls to figure out what's behind stupid shit you do. So you will get labeled a whore, a liar, attention whore or whatever other negative ass shit b/c when people don't know you aren't going to have sympathy or empathy for you.

Acting a certain way overshadows whatever pretty words you can muster together to try to prove otherwise. To give the impression of high self image or whatever delusions one may have....

You want respect, earn it. You want love, make sure there's something great about you to love that you truly believe in. If you don't no one else will. Another good thing to do would be not to look like a skank all the time and hang around a bunch of dudes or do whore activities if that's not something that makes you happy. Now I have no issue w/ ppl who are really into that shit and love it... but if you're going home at night curling up into the fetal position cause some dude didn't return your calls , next night laying up with some other guy and going through this cycle over and over again... then my dear you should probably try another approach.

So I'm saying don't have actions that counteract your ultimate goal... 

Speaking of the insanity of doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results... When this fucked long weekend is over I hope to get some things done in a different direction. I'm pretty discontent w/ things on many levels. Not just the lose of well ya know but just life in general and this living situation that isn't going to work for long. I've done the room mate thing before and that was good sometimes and nightmares other times. Done the live w/ a b/f thing... done the couch hopping thing. I'm not too far from 30 and I just don't want to go through this any longer.

Patience will be something I'll have to really work on. How to deal with delays in plans (often I'll give up completely even if I'm almost done cause of a delay or a minor problem). At least during this time I shouldn't have to worry as much about money on it's own. Only thing I need to pay is my phone bill and even if I get to a place to where I can't do that anymore it's not a big loss. There's a home phone here so I'll always be reachable...

It's nearly midday... so I should be able to go get fake hairs for braiding today making for getting ready to leave the house less time consuming (will be nice to not have to do my hair for a month). Sucks cause I'm gonna have to buy all the products, scissors and random shit over but meh whatever. I'm still working on getting a normal job so I'll probably go w/ a natural hair color (T_T I know wack).

Don't think I'll be getting out much, (odd how that can change huh?) Maybe I should force myself out... might make me less bored, at the same time I don't feel like being hit on so I should stay inside if I can avoid going out.

Oh... and person who asked the question about erect penis photos...I'm wondering do a lot of you guys think that's what women want to see? Maybe if I were a teenager and hadn't seen it before but I've seen quite a few and it's not special to me... Does this work on a lot of women? Especially a picture of a penis w/ no fucking face... I could attach anyone's face to it... you're not even a person then, just a fleshy dildo and in that case why would I want to deal with you cause I can deal w/ a dildo all by myself. I just don't understand it to be honest. Even nude photos aren't a big deal to me anymore. I've seen so many, been in so many... it's really pretty whatev's  unless of course it's someone you're into, that's a bit different I guess, but I'm really not into anyone right now. I'll keep brewing in my pool of broken up w/ ness... sorta... I'll probably be 10 pounds lighter after that... the black women will not be pleased about it. Everyone here is fat or ugly or a combination of both. Not many that are fat and still pretty, or skinny and decent looking... why are Americans so damn fugly?

Any who...since I lost my SD card which had all my pro pics on it... I won't be updating any of my ports for a long time. Before I even decide to think about stepping back into shooting... I want to get some other things established first (school and therapy being the main things I want to do)

Don't think I don't see all the watches fav's online too... I do... I'm just fucking lazy when it comes to replying to everything and I don't wanna spam the fuck out of ppl's profile's... but thank you guys. Thanks for some the support, some of the interesting conversations shared, I really enjoy talking to some of you, seeing your art and hearing how you feel about things.

End Transmission