Anyway onto what I logged on here to write about half cold w/ the sun peeking in and out from behind the clouds.
Yesterday's shoot was pretty cool. Really nice guy and pretty interesting to see how he actually "painted w/ light". I figured it was all photo shopped in post production; didn't realize it was sorta a literal thing. Guess ya learn something new each day huh :)
This will probably be my last shoot for a while until I figure out a good routine. I'm guessing after a week or 2 I should fall right into place w/ that.
More thoughts crossed my mind being in an area I hadn't seen in 10 years. I was 16 back then. A time filled w/ rape, a first b/f, antidepressants, lots of self doubt and worry over things that I now wouldn't give much thought to.
What stuck out in my mind was the fact that I used to go to my ex's job after school sometimes and bring him lunch. Wait around in the book store until he was off and ride the bus home w/ him.
Home life was pretty tumultuous at that time. Come to think of it, home life was never really normal. There was always something afoot.
I think a lot of my restless nature comes from how home used to be.
As far as the here and now goes... things are relatively calm. A calm I haven't had in a long while. I can gather that I will wake up and not be harmed. The same folks will be here or be gone by their respective times. There's a bit of a routine that's about to change slightly but I welcome these changes.
I'm eating better and feeling better (though I do have slip ups of burgers here and there which I think is hindering my progress in the feeling 100% awesome department... a certain amount of meat makes my stomach upset now a days).
Relationships are flowing in the places they need to be in, I think. I guess you can't be everything to all people at all times. I don't stress it any longer. I understand that folks need to do what's in the best interest of self first.
I'm feeling pretty good about life... having an optimism that I haven't felt in a long while. I think I've finally got a handle on most of the negative thoughts that used to cohabit my brain (well they're in there still I'm sure but not as persistent as in the past)
To those out there dealing w/ depression, alcohol abuse, self image issues... pessimistic thoughts about the past.... Think of where you are now. Figure out why you're choosing to have these feelings about things. If they're really from deep w/in you or influenced by others... and why you're latching onto them. Examining yourself is a difficult... annoying process that few will ever attempt to do (most avoid being alone long enough to even attempt to do such. When all others are gone you only have you to blame for your stake in life right?) I won't give some sappy fucking "you gonna be alright" shit to you. I will say that it is possible for you to start on a path to make yourself happier but it's a long hard road to get there. You'll need a support system. You may have to let go of some connections during this. You might have to detach for a while... those who understand will be around when ready to reconnect... those who don't well you're probably not right for one another anyway... plenty of fish in the sea all that crap.
I'm looking forward to today and tomorrow. To getting some fresh air, painting, working and dancing one last time w/ someone whose been through a bit of the ringer w/ me. Who I appreciate still being around. I'm saddened (more so than I even initially realized) that she's leaving but I know the the move will be for the better for her. There's a lot that I admire there....
End Transmission
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