my appologies for not being terribly active

The interwebs at home have been shut off accidentally... so I haven't been able to keep up w/ emails and such for the past 3 or so days. I'm told they should be back on Monday. Until then I'll have to make fun treks to the library (since my phone is being retarded and doesn't want to let me log into any of my email accounts).

I'm waiting on word from my interview yesterday before I start making plans for next week (though I must admit that I did kinda give the OK for an Adam Chilson shoot... cause it's fucking Adam Chilson and I probably get to shoot a fucking flame thrower or something so like... wouldn't you!?)

I'll begin updating my accounts (deviant art -- model mayhem -- etc.) a bit more when I get time.

Since I'm not sure if I'll have net Sunday they're probably won't be a new youtube video either unless I go ahead and lug my shit computer to the library tomorrow. Guess I could do that... we'll see.

Other than that I did my first figure drawing class yesterday. I'd like to get more experience in it... we'll see though. Possible job hiring me to pick up doggies and take doggy names and give doggy belly rubs :D sorry dogs make me giddy a bit. I do hope they'll hire me but I'm not expecting them too. Seemed like a really chill work place (then again everything seems chill from the outside yes?

by Lightbrite (I'll post up more on my other pages as soon as the net wants to cooperate w/ me!!)

Until then thanks for the watches on DA... I do see them and I do appreciates!

Oh and for those who wanna hire me for stuff (photography, videos, custom, uh just wanna send a random message saying yo!) do that hither

Another lately update

I've noticed I haven't been writing much lately. Guess that's the sign of progress. I haven't felt much of a need and I've been keeping busy w/ working on myself and other random tasks.

Though things are not perfect and I doubt that they ever will be, things are good. I still worry about money (as usual) but beyond that I don't worry about too much else. Been pretty tame.

I've got another interview tomorrow which will hopefully go well... though I'm not set on it either way. We'll just see what happens. Another potential job thing that I hope will work out. If not I know something will come along soon enough so I'm going to enjoy the fee time that I have now.

Weekend plans... I was sketchy on them at first but now I think I know what I'll do. I'm not sure how it will turn out. I'll stay positive though... face my demons lest demons rule the day yes? If it does end up being a bad decision no biggie. I can always phone a friend :)

I'm feeling pretty good about life... and can't wait to get the photos back from Saturday's shoot!!! I HOPE THEY'RE DONE SOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Until then I'll just keep working on the cluster fuck of photos that I still have to finish editing/uploading to Deviantart. Other than that check me out on twitter, tumblr, modelmayhem.... YO FACE?

find more of this artist's work here


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Fun Fact (and other thoughts)

Apparently "slut taking it up the ass" and "unicorn gifts for sociopaths" are a few of the top search phrases for this blog. LMFAO!! To my knowledge none of those things are here... just thought I'd share that w/ you guys.

Anyway onto what I logged on here to write about half cold w/ the sun peeking in and out from behind the clouds.

Yesterday's shoot was pretty cool. Really nice guy and pretty interesting to see how he actually "painted w/ light". I figured it was all photo shopped in post production;  didn't realize it was sorta a literal thing. Guess ya learn something new each day huh :)

This will probably be my last shoot for a while until I figure out a good routine. I'm guessing after a week or 2 I should fall right into place w/ that.

More thoughts crossed my mind being in an area I hadn't seen in 10 years. I was 16 back then. A time filled w/ rape, a first b/f, antidepressants, lots of self doubt and worry over things that I now wouldn't give much thought to.

What stuck out in my mind was the fact that I used to go to my ex's job after school sometimes and bring him lunch. Wait around in the book store until he was off and ride the bus home w/ him.

Home life was pretty tumultuous at that time. Come to think of it, home life was never really normal. There was always something afoot.

I think a lot of my restless nature comes from how home used to be.

As far as the here and now goes... things are relatively calm. A calm I haven't had in a long while. I can gather that I will wake up and not be harmed. The same folks will be here or be gone by their respective times. There's a bit of a routine that's about to change slightly but I welcome these changes.

I'm eating better and feeling better (though I do have slip ups of burgers here and there which I think is hindering my progress in the feeling 100% awesome department... a certain amount of meat makes my stomach upset now a days).

Relationships are flowing in the places they need to be in, I think. I guess you can't be everything to all people at all times. I don't stress it any longer. I understand that folks need to do what's in the best interest of self first.

I'm feeling pretty good about life... having an optimism that I haven't felt in a long while. I think I've finally got a handle on most of the negative thoughts that used to cohabit my brain (well they're in there still I'm sure but not as persistent as in the past)

To those out there dealing w/ depression, alcohol abuse, self image issues... pessimistic thoughts about the past.... Think of where you are now. Figure out why you're choosing to have these feelings about things. If they're really from deep w/in you or influenced by others... and why you're latching onto them. Examining yourself is a difficult... annoying process that few will ever attempt to do (most avoid being alone long enough to even attempt to do such. When all others are gone you only have you to blame for your stake in life right?) I won't give some sappy fucking "you gonna be alright" shit to you. I will say that it is possible for you to start on a path to make yourself happier but it's a long hard road to get there. You'll need a support system. You may have to let go of some connections during this. You might have to detach for a while... those who understand will be around when ready to reconnect... those who don't well you're probably not right for one another anyway... plenty of fish in the sea all that crap.

I'm looking forward to today and tomorrow. To getting some fresh air, painting, working and dancing one last time w/ someone whose been through a bit of the ringer w/ me. Who I appreciate still being around. I'm saddened (more so than I even initially realized) that she's leaving but I know the the move will be for the better for her. There's a lot that I admire there....

(pic from yesterday's shoot... you can find lightbrite's port here very easy to work w/... stand up cool dude )

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Friday's GOGO Auditions

So I made the team!! (for those of you who don't know) I've gone to many gogo auditions and none so far have gone well. I always ask what I can improve on. Generally don't get anything feedback that I can use. Was it me? Do I suck that bad (cause from what I've seen it's not that big of a technical art)? Could it have been my crazy ass hair? Just too damn black and strange looking?

SOOOOOOO I went into this thing Friday at Arena thinking "at least I get a free club night" w/ little to no expectation. I must say the club itself was really huge. The crowd was a good one, very nice people... well behaved and not rude or dramatic. Even the black men were nice (oh there goes my negative views... they were actually very funny and polite.) I felt very comfortable. Like I was just hanging w/ a bunch of smiling happy people.

I admit that as far as mainstream music I'm behind the times. I'll most likely have to listen to more types of electronic/hip hop/rap/pop/mainstream varieties in order to be more used to dancing to it... not taken off guard by it. I made one station on pandora so I don't have to go through the hassle of trying to download everything. Generally I prefer to dance to industrial, even electro and house aren't too bad... hip hop/rap can be a bit slow and boring to dance to. I made a dub step station and I'm gonna look up some vids on how others dance to it to get a better idea of how you're supposed to move to it (plus I like learning new crap)

Guess I'll also need to up my collection of shiney things and glitter and smell good body sprays :D

The thing I'm most looking forward to is making new friends. I had a good time talking w/ most of the girls there. All very bubbly spunky fun loving. One was especially adorable bouncing around everywhere :D

Think we're having a meeting sometime at the end of the month where all the girls are going to meet and such. Should be interesting. Hopefully by then I'll improved a bit stamina wise. (jeez I'll also have to start eating differently. Thinking of cutting out most of the meat from my diet.)

Guess that's all that's going on around these parts... (I tried to search for pics/vids but couldn't find any... if I do I'll be sure to post them up)

(That's not what I wore but I did wear it like two years ago... whatever it's relevant... sorry I don't have a cam anymore I couldn't take any good pictures of anyone )

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I understand why people have children now

My god they can be so cute, sometimes. Not only that, but there's something so precious, innocent... inhibiting and beautiful about children. There is no malice, ill intent, no contradictions. Watching well adjusted children is a different experience from those who are neglected and thus have learned to act out to get the attention they want/need. I feel sad for those children. They have the hardest road ahead as all of this will lead to relationship problems in the future.

I think this whole epiphany has brought me back to a previous dream, wanted career goal. I've always wanted to do something that would be helpful to either animals (preferably dogs...) or children. As much as I've said I can't stand kids... that's not true. I just don't like to deal w/ the one's who aren't properly disciplined (this can be overly disciplined or under... both cases come out with the same results.) Mostly I feel like it can be an awkward situation. I don't want to do that job and I have no right to either. At the same time I don't put up w/ disrespect from adults, shouldn't have to suck it up for a half pint either... hence I get a bit torn sometimes.

If I were to pursue my goal of youth psychology... aside from lots of schooling needed, it'd be quite the test mentally, emotionally and well socially for me. I would have to get over some things. I'd have to vastly improve my people skills. I'm aware of my awkwardness... some of the time at least. I've caught myself a few times lately, wanting to revert back into a turtle shell and going... "no" you fucking say something damn it, you want to, spit it out! lol Sometimes a laugh or two is given, sometimes not so much but no one dies so it's really not so painful.

I'm proud of being around a table full of free alcohol and a house full of people and not feeling the least bit uncomfortable. Proud of actually winning in a fighting game for a change. (Think I'll be changing my team in MVC3 to, x-23, morrigan, wolverine <3 ... I do like Deadpool still but, I'm enjoying wolverine a bit more... plus I like the idea of x-23 and wolverine adventuring together and shit... lol I know fucking nerd). I really fucking want an arcade stick now though! I don't think I can go back to playing on a controller... like walking w/ a sprained ankle... on a 360 controller it's like having a broken leg lol. I also downloaded some new rom files (puzzloop2 samurai showdown IV... I think I'm going to get kof 98 next when I get a chance.) I searched for a while for Betrayl at Krondor (old PC RPG that amused me when I was younger) I couldn't find it but I think they sell it for about 7 bucks on the net... I could just buy the damned thing lol.

Many job type things to check on this week.... I'm feeling very optimistic, albeit happy... I don't think I would've seen myself "happy" last summer. Perhaps events started to take place that caused a change that's just now starting to surface?

by anotherwanderer click for more work

I cannot sleep over 6 hours

No matter how hardcore tired I am!!!!! Sunday's are pretty calm days. After the nice chill day yesterday.  Got to experience cliche' ish walk on the beach (though they never show you horrid mutant flies trying to devour your soul or ice cold ocean water!) among other cliche' beach activities. Good thing my idea of romance is all eschew and thus I found all the oddities of reality that never translate into the hallmark swill they want you to consume.

Kinda amusing to go from a beach to a pool but it worked out fine. Cute kid w/ this "look what I can do" spirit. I wish I could retain some of that care free.... hmmm. I guess the kind of attitude one has before you realize the boogie man is real but he's wearing sheep's clothing... it's probably your uncle and not the mysterious "man in van" (though growing up in the ghetto one sees there share of men in vans and hobos jerking off on public transit)

I haven't had a day where I smiled so much and wasn't constantly thinking of oh no what must I do next. My brain finally stopped, in a good way :D

Guess I should make the most of the fact that I probably can't go back to sleep by working! Here's a random ass picture that's not in season at all... (naw fuck that miss mosh is always in season <3)

(by Dastardly Dave!)