Wednesday, April 13, 2011

On the internet you downloaded my heart and put a Trojan virus on it so I must uninstall you

I'm a bit more cautious about what I post online. This is difficult considering it's the way I shout about things. Others yell in your face... I'd rather write it out, read it, then think about it some more before talking it over. I'm honest but it comes in it's own time. This is not to say lying by omission is something I do... but I will wait until I am ready to have a detailed conversation about sensitive topics. If it's still uncomfortable but time is of the essence I'll shell it out, slowly but nether-the-less it will be said. In recent months I've been less willing to put myself on the line by bringing things up first. Now there's an even longer process before having talks.I ask myself if I think is it worth it. Are they even going to be honest w/ me anyway? Is this conversation just going to pile on to an already swirling shit storm?

Needless to say this leaves one emotionally constipated. Sure I could use other words but I think this paints a much uglier picture. This leads to more discomfort and ultimately the blurting out of all said feelings in some irrational episode. Often in the company of those you'd rather not have access to any of my feelings altogether.

I admit, as far as expressing oneself goes I've always felt more comfortable in the company of strangers at great distances. Those I will probably never meet face to face. Even if I do they're at such a distance that the details of day to day life are lost on me and chances are we will never penetrate each others tight knitted/loose knitted whatever social circles. This is a safety I greatly appreciate. Sometimes this is insulting to those closest to me but true trust can't be rushed. It's delicate and even if one is trusted on most topics, the past often leaves a heavy stone underneath. One would put up walls on topics already verbally castrated for... especially for those like me who don't enjoy confrontation at all. Trust also cannot be given to those who don't trust you back... The obvious is why would anyone trust someone who doesn't trust them. The less obvious is why would you mistrust your own judgment, you're choosing to deal w/ me, someone you don't trust... If you can't trust yourself how can I? Of course there's the if you aren't open to me I won't be open to you thing. I think too many expect everyone to open up first or right away w/ no reason... no common experience... just give trust away like it's in some sort of brothel. Even then though you'd have to "give" something back.

Speaking of confrontation, I could probably be a well versed troll if I actually got pleasure out of it. Moderately witted and a decent vocabulary makes for interesting verbal assaults. Guess the problem w/ that is I get very little to no amusement from flame wars over time. Often the opponent has no wit, vocabulary or even decent jokes. This is common w/ females... I've found that males are a little bit better at this. In the end it just becomes a bit draining as I don't enjoy confrontation and get no ego boost from negative attention. I'd rather be ignored.

I have a bit of a love hate relationship w/ use of the internet. On the one hand I've kept myself afloat using it. I've met some really kind people w/ interesting things to say. Had really stimulating conversations that challenged my barriers, beliefs and all around view of the world. Found things to do. Helps me to not get completely lost all the time when going to new areas as well as finding new places to go to. I love being able to see a place and hear what others think before I go there. Dating, friendships... cool shit to read, play, a cluster fuck of really good porn and really weird comical porn all found here on internet.

The inverse is true as well. Lots of unnecessary arguments. People saying things they wouldn't dare say in person (keyboard warriors). Things taken the wrong way as inflections can't be heard through text. Sharing too much, sharing too little... Physical Threats, character defamation... the list goes on and on...

I haven't thought about seriously deleting any social networks since I deleted myspace 3 or so times. I've learned that chances are I'll come back to it anyway... Just stop logging on to the damned site if it's that annoying. Eventually the irritant goes away. You delete folks some how it's taken personally when they haven't spoken or seen you in a year or more. When they never call you or make any effort to do so unless something is in it for them. People stay connected to those who they publicly denounce as friends to avoid the conversation of why did you delete me I thoughts we was cool? Everyone wants to be liked by everyone.

So what does one do. One who wants to return to a time when a bully would talk his shit one day and sooner punch you in the face than make a hate page or go on a secret twitter rant and blocked status updates. When folks used to actually go outside and do shit rather than do everything on the net. A time when if someone didn't like you they'd say so and just wouldn't talk to you and it they'd let you know why.

I guess the solution is to return to being 5 to 11 years old before people are worried about being cool or liked or whatever... I thought for a long time that I hated children w/ a capital HATE but I don't think this is fully the case. I dislike dealing w/ misbehaved children who have shitty parents b/c the kid is only acting "bad" b/c the parent doesn't pay them enough attention or give any positive reinforcement what so ever. It's not entirely that child's fault... What I do love about children is the fact that there is absolutely no barrier, that they're too dumb selfish whatever to sensor themselves about your feelings and everything blurts the hell out. I get it that as an adult we need these filters up... I wish this wasn't true...Though I wonder how long I could handle the opinions of an unfiltered adults? Perhaps things are better as they are. I don't give a shit what most have to say and most who offer it up w/out provocation don't say anything particularly enlightening anyway. Just the closed off point of view of a uninfromed inbecile. At least if you rarely talk ppl can wonder about you being an asshole or an idiot... Let them wonder, let them have cake...

(turned on spell check and had no spelling errors save "myspace" Got to admit I'm getting better, getting better all the time...)

more of brick's work can be found here

End Transmission

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