The NEW no fly list!!

Well not so much no fly... but not work w/ list. Now I will say that yesterdays fiasco isn't the first horrid experience that I've had w/ a photographer (unfortunately). By far not even the worst actually. Sadly it seems it wasn't the last as I feel as long as my temperament is as such wolves will always try to take advantage.

CONGRATS to Mr Adan Photographer MM  #1621315 for being my first inductee (sorta)

(thanks blogger... ur being buggy right now and you won't let me turn off the fucking bold... nice)

Yesterday started out normal... I was to meet this photographer at Union Station, shoot some "light testing" or from what I gathered from his casting experimental lighting. I was told to bring whatever wardrobe I wanted b/c if I was in what I wanted I'd get the kinda shots I'd like etc. whatever other hippie bullshit.

So cool meet him seems sorta ok the ride over. Though I did notice one thing that a person dear to me said. "when someone is trying so hard to make it seem as though they are all these "good things... be careful" Nice car, nice glasses, nice pre-ripped jeans, oh ya got a family that's nice... (why aren't we talking more about what you plan on shooting?) 

Get to his house... quaint little place. Again not alarmed yet... plenty of folks shoot from their houses especially in this economy. Hands me some fucking wedding books and some random shit for "inspiration"... Dude I'm not new to modeling so I have a few poses in my arsenal of blue steal face... if you want me to change up my poses you should be able to direct me.... how would a BRIDAL magazine of all things would help one to pose better or get inspired is beyond me. You should be pulling out a fucking vogue out or something.... better yet how's about a magazine w/ some actual black folks in it... or something more attuned to the type of work you were expected to do that day...  *sigh* Then again I'm still not sure wtf you were planning on shooting.

So I'm asked to put on my first outfit (in the children's play room :-/ ) come out "oh the stockings can you take them off" Well sure I can.... Then comes the bra which again didn't strike me as weird as it didn't match the top. Then it was oh this skirt is hard to "work" with could you take that off and put on the thong you brought?... Then I started to wonder but I was like hmmmm wait for it not quite over my line yet. More changing the direction of the chair and attempting to look like he was actually doing something. Look fucker you don't even need me in the shot for your initial set up....taking a 3 month "vacation" isn't an excuse for not knowing how to use your equipment. 

Any who... it gets to pulling out weird fabric that would look atrocious w/ my skin. Let's take the top off... no discussion... not really asking, he unties my shirt and takes it off. There was a short pause in me that I feel quite disappointed about making. Things like this tend to take me back to similar situations as a child where I had no say so. Not making excuses but... just to understand where I'm coming from. More fiddling around w/ the cover came. I felt a sickness in my stomach and a huge headache came on. He leaves the room for a second... not exactly sure why. In this brief time I say to myself I cannot do this... this wasn't discussed. If you've seen any of my ports I'm obviously fine w/ nudity but not something that wasn't previously talked about b/c as past experience has showed me... when photographers deviate this much from their castings or what was talked about it will just keep going until someones cock is out in your face. I'm not about to go through something like that again... 

He comes back into the room... I say I cannot do this... grab my clothing and go to the bathroom to change. He's saying let's brain storm bla bla bla through this. Are you okay? Bla bla.... You don't want to shoot anymore? I said no... as I'm pulling up bus directions from the location cause I wasn't really expecting a ride back. He offers to drive me back and I say ok w/ a stone face.

On the ride over he tells me why are you upset, is it about the nudity? I said we didn't discuss doing anything like that, made me uncomfortable. He says that if I had said something "SOONER" then we could've been shooting right now though I'm not trying to blame you or me bla bla.... I would've said something sooner but I got baited w/ one of those used car salesmen tactics where they don't really give you the opportunity to even speak... and though my reaction was slower than I would like... and for this I probably won't forgive myself.... it was there... a far cry from previous situations.

So I was dropped off w/ a sorry that you wasted your day and a nice meeting you.... (I can write of the rest of the days exploits at some other time)

To be honest I don't even feel much better writing this all out... I feel very disappointed, like I should've done more, said more... This week hasn't been so great for shooting, First shoot canceled cause I wasn't feeling well and now this. I'm not even sure what time or place today's shoot was gonna be at, though maybe there's hope for Friday (I think the photographer is a woman and she might not try to rape me so that would be a welcome change)

Random thing I noticed... for someone who seems to revere the old ways of photography you seem to have a lot of photoshopped images (HEAVILY) in your portfolio. Sounds rather hypocritical. For the level of work you have you shouldn't be having trouble setting up lighting no matter how long of a vacation you take. (I've taken longer vacations from modeling, random ass video games.... shit I still remember how to fucking play galaga... it's like riding a damn bike) There are still those who use film, I've worked w/ them... those who have a port full of nudes so I expect that they are contacting me to do more of the same... those who don't have any will say so. meh

Transmission has ended

A Black Man Day

In honor of this... uh day where I won't get my shitty paycheck b/c of some fucker that  I appreciate what you did but why do folks feel like they don't have to work on this day keeping me in more of a perpetual state of broke-ass-ness. (I would be very surprised if I got my paycheck on time today... *sigh* and I kinda need to. I GOT PLANS FOR YOU POCKET CHANGE!) My train of thought, is gone. I probably shouldn't attempt to write when I am this hungry :( At any rate random things about black men which may branch out to black folks and then black mamba b/c my brain works like a meth addicts and connects things that shouldn't be... which means phsycadellic drugs would be either really awesome for me or I'd see Eddie (the iron maiden mascot) making eggs and pancakes which would freak me the fuck out... (sorry no more tangents I promise sorta ahhhhh!)

*After careful thought from a mind whose memory capacity is pretty shit-o-riffic... I've dated about 2 black guys in my lifetime... banged 3. After more careful thought I realize that neither dating period counts cause one only came about cause he asked nicely and took 3 tries to beat me in tekken 3 and thus I felt obligated/he got creepy after a week and I dumped him. The second never really acknowledged that we were "dating" ermmm "fucking" ermmmmm dragged me along on a big dick monkey ride. In all instances I wonder what was the inital interest. With many of my white cocks it took a lot longer for that mask to break down... save the being dragged along monkey dick ride which is odd as I don't really care for giant donkey dick. It's not fun in the bj arena and mostly it hurts my vagoo... I can say I've had more fun w/ 3 inches than w/ 11...

*3 black men.... all cocky which one would think is a mask that would SOME DAY fade into oblivion. "this is us getting to know the real deeper layers, this will pass yes?" NOPE perhaps there were never layers to begin w/

*2 shared the same name sake and I'm still not sure which experience was worst. I love psychotic men who call at odd hours taking shit personal and yelling about some OLD SHIT. So old to the point that you don't even remember saying it. People really have to learn how to use library voices and not brood over trial trivia bla

* I never saw where 2 of them lived

*They all had giant cocks save one. None of them were really on my menial intelligence level. Perhaps I'm wrong and they were highly intelligent sentient beings. So much in fact that I couldn't even detect such?

*They all ended on notes that each time I've further been repulsed by black men

*The most aggressive men and abusive I've experienced. Welp fuck it no more dating inner city whore ass niggas who all wanna be a pimp. Who talk as if you are obligated to answer. "we got a black president why you talking to that WHITE MAN" Uh.... he's a photographer, I'm not even fucking him but now I probably should cause if you are the only alternative I'd rather bang old fat white men who know when to shut the fuck up!

*Ok not ALL are bad... some are friends of mine and have been nothing but gentlemen funny awesome like...ish

*Black women get hella pissed when seeing a "brotha" w/ a non niggerish pussola and each time I ask myself.... is this even some one you'd give a chance, he seems a bit white washed to me...or nerdy or generally things that these bitches wouldn't be interested in. I've found that most folks date for the most shallow reasons and that's probably why they can't fathom what a black man could possibly have in common w/ anything but a black chick. Ya know every race smokes weed.... so stop fucking hating cause the real issue is NO ONE WANTS YOUR ASS K... :D

*ugh too many black men don't respect that you're in a relationship and will be aggressive and relentless in hitting on you. It's these times where I want a license to kill or at least enough MP to summon Odin

Well this negativity has gone on long enough! In conclusion I'm racist against  black men I guess cause, um, damn this was not evenly spaced out on the positive negative trait bar that I placed in my subconscious. I think if there was a special website for ball busting CBT shit specifically for black men I'd be all for that shit... never really kicked a dude in the nuts hard... think that's the only time I wouldn't care. Alright I stop myself before I go off into another rant. Oh shit I just lost 50% of the 2 readers who read this shit, and all my twitter followers, better act fast...

Oh Ariel Alexus... you've shown me the beauty in the black.......................................bllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

end transmission

Hungry Hoes... *sigh*

I finally got into work work work mode (okay  I was thrown into work work mode b/c a homeless unicorn is no unicorn at all... been there and it's not fun. I thought of the process, demeaning ... carrying heavy ass shit for half a mile. Everyone avoiding eye contact w/ you b/c the homeless aren't human beings.) At any rate the criterion for me to stay here is simply work 25 hours. I've been slacking off. I won't do that any further since I'm now keeping track of my hours myself.

Well what I really wanna talk about has nothing to do w/ that. Fuck man I'm tired of getting "home" (kinda bothers me to call this my home but it is where I lay my head... at least I get to sleep naked I guess) and find that some wack hoe has eaten random bits of my food. This has been going on for months now. There was a gap where I didn't really notice food missing. IE: milk is untouched, peanut butter jelly seems to not be the cup of tea for this food stealer person.

What pisses me off the most is I scrape up food w/ what little money I do have. OBVIOUSLY I don't have much considering I stay here. Who would choose to stay in a synthetic whore brothel? (Actually the idea didn't bother me much until being here. Since many of the girls work irregular hours it can be noisy at random times. The walls are uber thin. No windows, gets stuffy. It's REALLY loud when that one couple that works here randomly comes in but they semi amuse me. "I love when you fuck me, oh no not my ass but YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!!"  I haven't seen them in a while though... nice folk they are) Many of these grenades (shit I watch too much jersey shore) make more money than me. Now I don't know if this is fully because I've been lazy lately.... and haven't kept steady hours from week to week/day to day or cause some how fat old ppl are more attractive than I am or if that really comes into play considering how much the web cam doesn't pick up on all the fucked up shit in these bitches faces (even so bodies are wrecked... bla).... still they shouldn't be eating my fucking food!

I've rarely fed bitches I'm actually fucking, WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANNA FEED HOES I HAVE NO CARE IN THE WORLD ABOUT!

I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to have to start locking food up in the lockers in the back or buying only items I can horde in my room... this shit is really the fucking wackest of the weak sauces...

(btw that painting is by pendalune on deviant art... )

FAT BITCHES IN BIKINIS!

Normal but you're all bla bla

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Awakening this morning. Headaching w/ a slight hangover and a pain in my lips from I guess the holes in them that haven't quite healed yet or them freaking out for nothing being there. 

Seems that pain is a normal routine for me. I'd like to say lately but it's nothing new. Could map out every bad event since I got my first facial pericing but I'd have to also map out the good as well. 

My stomach is churning up again. I've been sick all week. 

Staring at my face w/ only the dim light of the computer screen and I don't really recognize myself. I don't like what I'm seeing... I'm very sad.

Guess on the bright side I can now apply at disney and all those places I've avoided b/c of my facial jewlery and be just as miserable as everyone else.

People say that they're "with you" they "understand' "going through it" but in reality it is oneself who is left to pick up the pieces of their shambled life. 

Welcome to adulthood, throw silly dreams away... the reality is I've been supporting myself on next to nothing for years now. I get a bit of help here and there every once in a while from the occasional "good samaritan." 

For all the care in the world that folks say they have ultimately I'm on my own... But I guess that's my fault, things wouldn't be so bad if I had just kept my mouth shut as I normally do. Sure my things would continue to periodically disapear... 

No matter which way I slice it I'm finding it hard to be optimistic right now