A Halmark to Self

It's been roughly a month. I've discovered a lot about myself. Where my fears root from. A lot about what I will and won't accept. That boundaries sometimes need readjusting. That a disagreement or argument isn't negative in and of itself. Talking w/ those who have the proper tools will eventually yield a positive result.(even if it's a compromise of both parties wishes) Talking w/ those who are stuck in power games doesn't.

I feel like that silly facebook rant was the first time I truly back tracked into something I don't want to be a part of. Silly shit talking for the sake of it w/ no real focus on changing anything. Childish blame games. It appears to me that nothing was really gained from it except to avoid at all costs. I don't need the stress over trivial matters. Over people that I shouldn't even be hearing about anymore.

I've come to the following conclusion. As much as you may "like" a person and enjoy their good qualities one can't blindly go into things backing them up. Often times you will be left to the slaughter. Most people value their roles in whatever plays they play to avoid dealing with their real issues. I can't afford to care about those issues anymore for folks who just want to go back into the same patters. I've come far and have been content w/ the progress I've made in my love relationship... if friendships cannot keep up, I'll just find new friends.

I just know that I don't want anything to do w/ toxic people. Not even a loose association. Don't want to be tied in, don't want to hear about what's going on in their lives. Don't care, doesn't behoove me in the least bit.

So the tricky part is stepping way left field out of my comfort zone and branching out to new social circles. I think in a sense I've half ass done that. I'll just have to keep at it and not let little bumps in the road hinder my progress.

I might be overly analytical. I'd rather be this way than naive. Have a nigga mentality.... be content w/ sub par "friends" who drain my energy rather than bring me new life. My love does that for me, more often than not. There are a few others that I can see that potential in....

I wonder if this will be taken as a personal blow to some, I assure you it is not. This is just me on my personal journey to self improvement. To having the kind of life that I want. A certain amount of detachment for a time might be necessary for a time.

Either way the pendulum will swing where it wants. I'm not afraid of a loss of friendship for taking time out to deal w/ myself and for avoiding problems when I have very real problems of my own. I don't expect anyone to wait forever for me to "find" myself but I do know that those who really want a friendship will understand and not hate me for wanting to be my very best.

Other than that this is the last post I'll be making from this locale. No more cam whorin' para mi. I didn't enjoy it and it's good to end it before it begins to further eat away at me. It works for some but not for me.

Oh and much needed marvel vs capcom 3 time today!! Fuck fuckety yeah yeah!!! I've had random music from that game stuck in my head! Should this job thing pan out this week... I'm gonna have to get my baby a joystick (well I guess technically it's for me, well not technically he doesn't even use one lmfao) and I can buy blazblue FINALLY!!! I can improve my fighting spirit, my mark of wolves (speaking of snk games I still haven't played KOF XII, that's rather sad.) I apologize for the temporary nerd out. OH FUCK I COULD BUY COMIC BOOKS AGAIN!!

In all seriousness though those things aren't at the top of my priority list. I'll mostly be staying in, saving up for an apartment and car (as I've been doing and the saving is going ok for now).

There's a couple of events I want to attend. I do wanna find someone whose planning on ordering wrestlemania 27 and maybe chip in on it. I'd love to go to beyond wonderland (stupid trailer sold me, song made me all giddy and shit. I haven't been to any raves since 09 so it'll at least be fresh to me plus it's 18 and up so all that crap that freaked me out about raves (the minors) won't be present, thank goodness!!

I'm hopeful for the future. In fact I have a confidence in it that I've never had before. I know things will be ok because I will make them ok. I will adjust and I'm not totally alone on this. The potential for non alcoholic friends is high. Potential for still alcoholic friends but not bad influences in my life is looking good too. I won't stop going forth w/ open arms... but those arms aren't going to be open for those who don't want it/those who have proven to be more trouble than they're worth.

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