Thursday, February 3, 2011

Moving on to light mode... moving on

Time for the morning release of thoughts and such. The day goes a lot smoother when I have these so let's shout about them shall we!

Nothing stays a diamond forever! When one can no longer say w/out pause why you talk to someone... the light has gone out and looking at them brings irritation  and confusion to your eyes best eject oneself from the situation. When you start having to make excuses for why they're treating you differently. Excuse making is definitely a bad sign. Trust is hard to earn and trust isn't forever. It is a flame that needs continual renewal. As w/ any relationship you gotta pay your daily dues... what you a few months ago doesn't count for shit today cause today I stepped on yo new kicks son so I guess we're fightin'?

Communication...and power plays, that ppl are aware of and subconsciously can unravel any would be "decent" relationship. I will admit that in some circumstances I've had the "they should know" attitude. Things of a common courtesy  nature. I'm very anal about folks being on time and not standing me up. I do get irritated when folks are even a minute late. Sometimes this is a gift as I'm generally hours early for meetings... I'm almost never late b/c I don't want someone wasting time waiting around when they could be doing other things... Then again it is a bit insane to be upset over a 5-10 mins lost.

Common courtesy to me is treating others w/ respect, a basic respect... not yelling at them, listening, don't interrupt folks in the middle of sentences and if you make plans, keep those plans... if you can't then let someone know w/ enough time to do something else or at the very least before they're half way to you're location especially when riding public transit. I've learned that most ppl are flakey at best. I'm not compatible w/ most ppl over a long span of time.

I'm learning that my patience, my tolerance for dealing w/ ppl who I feel in my gut aren't as they appear is reaching 0... I'm at a don't really give a fuck mode. I'm in a if I've watched you do this to others I'm not so special that it isn't being done to me. I'm in defense mode. I refuse to deal with someone who isn't blunt and to the point. I don't need to be sugar coated. Though sadly most people only get to this "blunt" way of dealing w/ people when they no longer care for the relationship. Well kiddies if you would've had that bitch fest years ago most of the problems you've had in your relationships that you bottled up inside, didn't address head on, that folks should have "known" about would've been fixed or at the very least recognized early on. Doesn't mean it's a one shot deal and it's gonna be clear. You have to bring it up every time it happens as no one should be expected to change overnight. It is hard to undo hardwired repetitions.

It's hard to make new friends when in this kind of thinking. For one the negative reasons for not connecting with someone are clear. There's a great risk for hurt and when encountering a similar situation no one wants to willingly touch that potentially hot stove again...

When dealing w/ family members or friends that of those I'm dating, even friends of friends I tend to have a wall up. This is not to say that I hate you... at times I'm curious and would like to know more but I get stuck in the doorway. I don't expect help to be pushed through. In most instances ppl don't take long enough to talk to me to even realize that there's something afoot. This mask is a carefully crafted defense from childhood. From times when adults in my life did not do their job to protect me. I'm aware of all this and even still there's not much has changed about it. I always know more than I let on. I've learned to watch ppl and often enough if I didn't meet you on my on I won't make much of an effort to keep a friendship w/ you because I'll feel that loyalty is elsewhere and I should find my own friends. That when that person that I've met you through is gone you will be gone too. In a lot of cases this is what happens.

Don't see any of my ex's mothers calling me asking if I'm alright. Then again I don't call them either. None of those friends talk to me anymore. Why should I bother?

Sometimes we watch those we once loved grow in different directions. I'd be lying if I said "I'm happy for you" I'm not... no point in caring for those who don't exist especially when my life is in such disarray. I can't expect you to go down w/ this ship though I've gone down w/ many... This is my own error.

Healthy relationships... comparisons and the like when all we know is what we see. We do not see the bad sides of what we're to aspire to but we can right off so quickly that ours isn't right... or even on it's way to getting where it needs to be...

alright I'm done

(painting is by mattahan, check them out on

End Transmission

No comments:

Post a Comment