Tuesday, February 22, 2011

More and More Interactions Lately

For an introvert this has been an interesting experience. I've been catching the strange things that I do sometimes more and more. I wonder if I'll get to a point to where I don't have to tell myself to speak louder when addressing people. Not sure when I got this habit of having such a soft voice... thinking.... Perhaps I just never wanted to be considered rude so I began to talk softer and softer until it was well too soft lol.

Went to the mall yesterday. Normally this would be difficult during busy hours. I generally don't like large crowds especially by myself. I would assume any look I got was probably a negative one (projections ). I'm learning to tell the difference now. I can honestly say I didn't get one evil look the entire time I was there. Got some free tokens and to watch families interacting.

I'm a bit of an avid people watcher. Guess isolating oneself from people can make even a simple talk about what to name this stuffed unicorn dad just won for their child interesting. Maybe it's deeper than that. Most human interactions are new to me... there's a lot of things I probably won't understand as some things are to be experienced. I'll never get father daughter relationships, probably not even mother daughter or most sibling interactions. Not to say that I didn't have some good one's but the way healthy families interact, home being... home in definition, still trying to gather what that really means.

I've moved at least 15 times in the past 9 years. I get why but it's gonna take some effort and long hard planning, thinking to avoid times 17- infinity. It amazes me that there's folks who are far older than I am who can still go home and ask for help. That thought has only crossed my mind when every possible thing has been exhausted and even then I'd probably opt to get homeless vouchers. Sleep in bugs but at least I don't have to worry about being attacked, yelled at or having my things stolen.

The sad thing in seeing new life running about. How beautiful it can be to have children but knowing that  in my heart of hearts there's too much going on w/ myself to be self less enough to deal w/ that. Superficial reasons aside, it's a fucked up world out there and I have issues taking care of myself 90% of the time, bringing another person in would be devastating. Who would want to bare that responsibility w/ me? What do I do when sickness arises? Would rather not have to explain work related things to a child who stumbles upon something, especially a boy, god that would be quite upsetting and embarrassing.

Guess there's always dogs. Perpetually child like w/ unwavering love and loyalty. Can't say that exists in any human being and for good reason too. Though I wonder how much more fulfilling it'd be to get love from a wolf... ok enough tangents for my brain today.

Job interview thing (cross fingers for this shit) Pick up my check? Uh... yoga? Shower :D FOOD!!

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End Transmission

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