It feels as though it's all coming full circle

I'm rid of that old camel on my back. Work is starting to work out. Hell working out is working out. I'm feeling a lot better physically and mentally. I still have a few worries but nothing too serious.

Over the past few weeks I was annoyed not just by life's little  nuisances but by someones ego it would seem. While I can speculate and such as to why ego's were damaged (though I have a fairly good hunch) it's all irrelevant now.

Then to top things all off, at the zenith of my frustrations some new mongrel comes out of the wood work screaming "stop stealing my name" bla bla bla.

What I realize even w/ the name I've legit chosen now. Someone somewhere will probably have it at some point. Do I give a good god damn about it? FUCK NO! There's plenty of folks w/ Siren in their name... Seraphim bla ditty bla blow me.

Ok so irritated chick #1 valid reasons for being upset I guess... random dude doesn't even share the same full name. Should Jack Black sue him because this guy goes by Jack Blaque? Chances are I'm sure the real Jack Black doesn't give a fuck or know who this fucker is.

Why do folks feel they're so important in the grand scheme of things? Even w/ this name change I have high doubts that well I will be effected but said worries of name being dragged through the mud... Hell I'm not even that popular to where it would really fucking matter in the first place. I mean really... but still more popular than the person who did absolutely nothing to promote their name as their persona, alias or anything in general.

So I was removed from "the site"? Said in a way as if I should care. I never got any work from being there. The site itself looks like something I would've made in 6th grade on geocities. Does Geocities even exist anymore? The links, photos, everything was outdated. I think if one wants to have their proverbial name lifted they should take some sort of pride in the product they're presenting but I guess that's just me.

Every point I tried to make just didn't seem to get through either b/c of that person's anger or they honestly weren't very bright and weren't really reading what I was actually saying.

I will say this... if you want something out of someone who is actually trying to work w/ you, you'd get results a lot faster by talking normal, getting the person to see where you're coming from. I went from caring, to not caring to simply being exhausted of seeing silly grade school name calling every time I log on the web.

To be honest what really made me revisit the changing name idea wasn't so much what that chick did but something my b/f said. It was quick and I didn't think about it until a day later. Just that his name for a character he created. He'd be a bit upset if he saw someone else using it somewhere and disappointed in himself for not making more use out of it.

It got to a point to where all I could think about when thinking of that name was dramatic ghetto black people, ignorance and childishness that I wanted nothing to do w/. It became ugly and repulsive to me. (even when I was out the past weekend... a couple of folks recognized me and called me"jade" and it made my stomach turn) I wonder if that was the overall "effect" that was meant for all this? hahaha probably not.

So I brain stormed and a bunch of things that I loved and then came to this new name. I read up on different comic book characters... random shit. . . Started thinking of spells from various RPG games and found something that I felt suited me.

As I'm sure you know Sirens (other than being that shit that goes off that alerts one to trouble or to get the hell out of the way) are those mythical creatures that would bring sailors to their doom w/ their lovely voices and what not. What if there were no voice... could that be done simply in a photograph. Something that has an allure w/out speaking one word at all. Something that was once very audible but no hardly muffles a sound, something that doesn't need to.... And so I became Silenced Siren.

(so you're still reading yes? lol)

Well hopefully I haven't bored the hell out of you too much. The remaining networks that have me pegged as jade, or blaque jade or any incarnation I either do not use anymore or are out of my control... so  they'll long be buried soon enough on their own. I feel relieved to have this all behind me, to be starting on a new chapter of life that will hopefully be free of trivial quarrels, new friendships w/ like minded folks and the skills to maintain the few connections I've managed to keep over the years.

One well used to be important one that I thought I would keep well into dead years has diminished. I'm pretty certain as to why. I know that guys and girls don't remain friends especially when a new girl is in the picture. I just would've loved a heads up. I'm neither surprised or even that hurt. I would've loved a heads up so I could gather the scattered goods of mine that still reside there but they can be replaced. (fuck I want my And One, Hocico and other random albums that are fucking awesome as fuck!) Oh well. Nothing is forever. Cherish the day for the night may be cold... spring will come again though :)

All in all I'm happy and hopeful and all that good shit (Hopefully I'll be receiving my fucking fight stick today!) GET HERE TODAY!! YOU WAS 130 BUCKS AND SHIT AND I WANT TO BREAK YOU IN NOW!!! I wonder if I can get it to work w/ my PC?!! That would be so fucking godly! *dreams*

Oh one more random thing... I finally figured out what those floaty winged orbs in Blazing Star mean... the combo system and such. <3 Neo Geo... eat ur 3 until ur heart is content :)

new deviant art to be updated in the coming weeks

new model mayhem

new twitter

new formspring

my wishlist (b-day is coming up soon)

Tumblr

(that'll do pig, that'll do)

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What things do you do to stay healthy?

exercise, Cut back on meat, eating more fruits, veggies, grains, dancing, yoga, pilates, pooping, singing badly to myself to keep my brain sane, soon to be skating down the street looking like a retard

anything

Have you broken any bones? If so, how?

nope, I've bruised a few bones/area's, thighs, had ankle sprains , twisted wrist. Those hurt tremendously so I couldn't imagine breaking anything... that would really suck

anything

What's more important - who you know or what you know?

what you know... after many years of talking to morons and mongrels. I'd rather know something or at least know enough to know that I don't know a fucking thing so I can begin to find out. Even though this is the harder/road less traveled I'd rather get in the know first... Hopefully on my futile knowledge journey I'll meet some folks along the way who don't suck donkey dong... or who do but rather enjoy it and are willing to give out free coupons to their shows that I can then give out as birthday and x-mas presents

anything

If you could live in any house you wanted to, what would it look like?

It would look like the star ship enterprise in the living room. The outside would be red brick. (I love the look of brick) I want think carpeting, huge bedroom that I could put posters up and throw paint around and destroy. then rebuild then fuck up again, old school gaming room, arcade room, a pirate ship out back w/ working water canons. A fort for nerf gun wars...

anything

So I decided on a new name but...

...Model Mayhem says I've run out of name changes. I contacted a mod to see if that helps. If it comes down to deleting my profile... I'm just not going to do that. I'd have to go down to not having hardly any photos (like 5 or 10 or some shit) and I'd start out as a newbie all over again. Not doing that for some one whose only been a nuisance to begin w/. As much as I've started to loathe the name over the past few months... if I can't change it easily and in a free sort of way then it's not happening. (oh prepares for the onslaught of ignorant statements to come. Was nice having a nigga free day while it lasted. ugh, sociopaths)

Self matters before all else... it starts w/ that site since it is the most used for getting gigs... it's the one to link all the others together.

Other than that... I have many things on the way in the mail this week. Wig shampoo's, Detangler, Hori fight stick, Blazblue Continuum Shift, and a gift from probably the only fan I have so at least I got those to look forward to. Job Interview today that I hopefully don't bomb on. A shift back into normal-ness... a start to normal plans.

What I'm not looking forward to today is folks knocking on the door but one in particular who once he realizes I'm awake will start going "uh hey, uh can I uh play a game?" I guess dude but can you like not smell like that when your gonna be in a tiny room w/ someone? I thought I'd enjoy a nice weekend alone (mostly). Don't seem like that'll happen. I know once I leave for my interview he'll be in here, making the room smell like unholy things :-/

Well today is make or break muahahahahem. At least I can probably finish season 6 of star trek TNG sometime this week :) 

Name change-- at an un-disclosed date

So I'll be brain storming some possible new names in between working out and uh my stomach turning like it is (fuck it... not so bad that I can't work out, perhaps that might actually help).

If you guys have anything to add that would be super duper!!

Why a name change? I'm not terribly attached to the one I'm using now. I also get what she was sorta trying to say. Miss real blaque jade... I think that this is supposed to be her persona and that I can respect. I just wish she'd simply said that and not crap about the web-site and shit I already knew but hey... what can ya do.

I'll do my best to change whatever names that are possible to change. (certain sites I have no control over what so ever, IE- sites for work content or other folks portfolio's etc.) I've seen other's go through name changing processes for various reasons so it shouldn't be terribly difficult... then again I'm not sure how many of them are on so many sites or how long it was since they changed their names etc.

I've learned a few lessons from this. Don't use personal name even for work purposes. Sometimes the right questions need to be asked...

I hope that after this process is done we can get back to our normal mundane scheduled programming.

Other than the obvious, that I don't particularly enjoy arguing w/ anyone in and of itself... I especially don't like arguing w/ other black women. We have it hard enough as it is. (I don't want to argue w/ women period!) There's enough men who will tear us down for not fitting into that Hallmark image we're all fed. Hell they'll tear you down for fitting into their perfect image in their heads. (oh this topic could be a whole new blog)

Ultimately I would enjoy having more female friends who share at least some of the same morals (or lack there of) but mostly a general understanding of who each person is and an openness that most don't possess or hold in for fear of judgment and persecution.

Alright time to make phone calls and shit

more of feline643's work can be found here so click it!!

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Would you rather take a picture or have your picture taken?

I'd rather have my picture taken but I do enjoy taking pictures of others, especially the less camera shy

anything

How I spent the weekend

Cuddled up to my crappo laptop enjoying the best (and worst) of the 16 bit era (well mostly 16 bit)

Played a bit of zelda. I got the pendent of courage before shutting it off.

Then onward to street fighter II turbo (no dash or anything special like that) It's unbelievable how hard old fighting games are. How much they do the same special moves over and over (maybe that's b/c they didn't have many to pool from.) All I know is this was about the 3rd uh battle, country whatever and it was a pretty silly fight. I played all of the songs in sound test (cause I'm strange) reminisced about childhood and then moved on.

This game I played in like '95 but couldn't recall what the hell it was until seeing a review on it. (what was it retro gamer, or game room or something I can't quite remember) Still ridiculously hard. Still can't pass the first stage... is there another stage?? I really suck at this game but it's really fun. I'm getting slightly better at it though. I took out 3 bases yesterday before smashing into a barrier and being all pissed off cause I have to start over from the very beginning lol. I enjoy the muffled voice that speaks as you get power ups that I can barely understand. I have no clue what she's saying when you get this sort of barrier shield power-up... but most of the other one's I get. It's kind of one of those things you have to hear for yourself.

Uh... yeah I downloaded this out of morbid curiosity and I really shouldn't have... it's pretty damn aweful but I screen captured for your viewing un-pleasure of a game probably drawn entirely in MS paint by one person... uh good job bro. I did appreciate the creativity in the naming of characters though this was only able to hold my attention for about 2 mins.




                                                         
**Other games I played but failed to screen capture. Played some Vector Man. I sucked horridly at that... Hmmm something Twins for the Genesis. It had two little plans on the title screen. You can play as one and it has some weird fist punching out of it. Wtf kind of side scrolling plan game has no fucking guns shooting...  it was just really awkward playing it and I'm glad that I've forgotten the name. UH oh Star trek: the next generation (genesis)... which was mildly amusing but I'll need to play it a bit more before I decide whether it's actually good or if it's just me being happy that I can be on the bridge controlling shit. Star Fleet: uh Deck Simulator or some shit like that... That was pretty fun. I may play a bit of it today.


  
Guess that's all... I should probably play w/ this Dance Central thing considering how expensive it was... and since I'm probably the only one whose actually going to use it... or so it seems.

 
End Transmission

if you could have a one night stand with any A list movie star who would it be?

hmm brad pitt only cause I saw benjamin button and him old... still good looking...

anything

If you accidentally hit a dog or someone's pet while driving would you keep driving or get out your car and see if you could help?

I would def get out of the car... I think I'd be really broken up about it. I love animals... especially dogs. I'd probably cry. I almost hit a dog once... scary as hell

anything

whats the first thing you would do if you woke up as a man?

lol take a piss... I always wondered what that'd be like

anything

What's your favorite sport?

roller derby... (that counts right??)

anything

You are so gorgeous. How would it make you feel if I masturbated to your photos?

thanks... uh good for you hahaha :P

anything

Do you tend to be shy or an attention seeker?

shyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

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That Time of the Year Again

I feel uninspired/enthused. I'm a bit tired of the hustle. All I'd really like right now (even though I know ultimately I'll end up bored w/ this as well) is a normal day job. The uncertainty of income at the moment... and well for years now. I just don't want to deal w/ it anymore. I want to know that every Friday or every other week I'll be getting a set amount of something in my pocket. I don't care if it's minimum wage. Just so exhausted/full of money worries dealing with things in this way.

Had a meeting w/ a big time photog the other day that I'm fairly sure I didn't make the greatest impression on. Interviews make me nervous. Very few people have that ability to make me not on edge to begin w/ let alone someone totally new who could hire me for something.

"Every thing counts in large amounts, it's a competitive world" Oh Depeche Mode... you always have the words for every emotional roller coaster.

And then there's the failure of folks on the friendship meters it's my failure to choose better fitting relationships to pursue. Why this is, Why I attract the people that I do I don't know. My vibe is awkward. I know this. I expect impossible things and often return to this place where I don't want to be bothered. "If you leave you'll just find the same issues w/ new faces..." true, I wonder what it is that I'm missing.

Misunderstandings that for all intensive purposes I don't have the energy to deal with nor do I see a point in it anyway. I feel like being completely self involved... stepping inside myself and staying there a while.

I'm more comfortable telling secrets to mere strangers w/ candy than any alleged friend. I wonder if this is a big issue... I wonder if this is a normal step toward being a more complete adult... the self discovery process, and how long will this last.

That's enough for now

you can find more of iricolor's work here


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Expelling thoughts on this ffffffine Friday

I've come to realize even those who one may put on a pedestal for a time leads a relatively normal, average boring life. This is one reason why I don't do this anymore. Why I don't feel anyone is particularly out of reach. We're all human, flawed, even the most beautiful of people have very real things/battles going on w/ them...

It can be ugly when flaws are ignored well by oneself... but those who openly share them I admire. I feel a bit of a kinship... perhaps I'm not the biggest weirdo in town.

Much can also be said for first impressions, second, thirds and so forth. The dynamic of relationships shifting and changing depending on what directions the individuals are growing in.

There are those hanger ons, those by standers, watchers... all playing their respective part, actively in one's life and not so active effecting the world around them. I get lost in those kinds of odd thoughts sometimes.

There's a misunderstood glance, words... hate arising w/out ever sharing words or meeting face to face distracting one from their own flaws. This seems to be the preferred method.

Older age bringing a bit more understanding but far less tolerance for things unwanted.

Finding new passions, leaving old one's... meeting new people . Not worrying about this or that... living day to day.

Reaching hands forward to those who would have them, pulling hands in from those who would harm them.

I've yet to find all the answers and I probably never will. I'll probably be making mistakes well into old age but that's ok as long as I have the ability to own up to them and try not to repeat them. To approach first w/ love and not get consumed by negative feelings (this is all too easy to do).

I miss my family sometimes... I miss the good side of bad people... but I do know that we're not all meant to mesh well and that's okay. Life would be boring if we were all the same right?

Alright back to my game of dance central (god I must look awful). I wish you all a wonderful and safe weekend.(shit when was the last time I ate something, god I should have an apple)

End Transmission

Would you ever parachute out of an airplane?

OH GOD NO!! I'm terribly afraid of heights! You should see me waiting for space mountain to begin and that's not even a scary ride... lol

anything

If you could own any kind of pet, what would it be?

I just want a dog, I love them so much. any kind will do as long as they're energy level isn't terribly high, they're loveable and not aggressive

anything

What was the most interesting place you've traveled to?

Haven't really gone anywhere interesting... went up in the mountains in the valley, pretty there, saw some dear and shit lol

anything

Appreciates hand made things

I'm quite shocked that someone made this, and so well too... *blush* My tummy has been a bit upset all day but this makes it a bit better :)

Other than that the day has gone buy really quickly. I can't believe it's so late. I wanted to give the room a super cleaning today. Practice dancing badly to get the endorphins going and maybe making a video on one of the topics suggested to me but... it feels awkward talking to yourself/ having folks walk in on you talking to yourself lol

I may still get dressed up for shits and giggles... who needs a club, I can have fun all by myself (closes the blinds tight... don't look at meeeeeeee hehe)

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Have you cried during a movie?

I've cried during quite a few movies that I shouldn't have... The Iron Giant always makes me cry. A league of their own, John Q, Toy Story 3 damn near made me cry at least 3 times. Despicable me made me tear up during the father daughter moments. OH GOD 7 Pounds... I cried so hard!! Watched Milk after ward and was like wow that's fucked up but no tears, guess 7 pounds took all the available tears away lol. I'm becoming a sap in my old age. Ironically Titanic made me laugh, I was about 14 when I saw it so perhaps age had lots to do w/ it. (this is becoming a blog)

anything

To write or not to type that is the question

I've had plenty of thoughts for unloading but not as much desire to write them down. I've certainly got a long history of either folks getting highly offended over said writings... simply being ridiculed.

Kinda disheartening since I really do enjoy writing ever so much. Perhaps if I was better at it I could get a job making captions and tag lines for pictures lol.

So the real calamity on my mind has nothing to do w/ stalkers, past offences or anything of the like. My better gut feelings says to keep it myself/ write that person directly and hope for absolutely nothing.

When I consider (or am considering) someone a friend (for friendship), even if they piss me the fuck off and I end up talking mad shit (only those who have the ability to provide love and good feelings have the power to critically wound as they tend to know what soft spots to strike/their opinion and feelings actually matter to me) I do eventually get over it and put my all into them again.

I've been for a while not willing to put a terrible amount of energy into anyone/on a personal self bettering journey. Not sure how well I'm doing but I know I have to at least been attempting to deal w/ certain demons before really bringing others in. Recently I feel like I've gotten to a point to half way get back into talking to folks. Now I'm not entirely sure what I feel. A bit hurt but not surprised. (I apologize for being vague in fact I shouldn't stay on this subject any longer)

I also spent like an hour sitting around thinking of what to make a video of. I figured I should do one since I usually don't look that nice. It didn't happen. If you guys had any suggestions for things you'd like to hear me talk about, not talk about, let me know. I've got a wide range of interests (and yet for that hour I couldn't pull from any of those). I think it's cause I worry too much about sounding like a buffoon or that I'll jumble up my words and say ummmmm a lot lol.

I guess that's about it. I will hopefully get that dancing fancy video done soon...(shit keeps coming up to make that not happen, at least I got to have much needed relaxing girl days though) Desert shoot slated for sometime at the end of the month.

(photo by Haley Rose)

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un-random happenings in life lately (update)

**Been attempting a fancy dancy video for a week now I think and all attempts have been thwarted in a way BUT I did get to see the rocket ship up close and slide down it's glorious splendor. You can see the entire city from it's peak. I wish I owned a rocket ship of my very own

**Shoot tomorrow then possible dance night. I'm not sure if I'll be up to it though... as of now my stomach is a bit off (though this is probably due to the fact that I haven't had my daily dose of shitty ham---berrrr-gur just yet. I'll probably be bored later and want to do something spur of the moment.


**Accessing life choices thus far... both the insignificant and the major. Wondering what direction I want to head in next.


Guess that's about all I can muster at this moment, Hungry....



(for those wondering about possible supporting my work go here. I'm an affiliate of the red chair now and clicking the banner at the top of the page and joining the site supports me and could possibly lead to future shoots... not entirely sure of what's in store next... but just thought I'd let that out. Hope you all are enjoying your respective weekends)

Red Chair Myspace Interview

For those of you who care to see it. I personally can't watch things w/ me speaking (my voice always sounds off haha guess I shouldn't be a singer then hmmm)

click here for the video

redchair.net for the entire set 

Every click supports starving naked masturbating women in uh American, we're the hungriest of all

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Friday's GOGO Auditions

So I made the team!! (for those of you who don't know) I've gone to many gogo auditions and none so far have gone well. I always ask what I can improve on. Generally don't get anything feedback that I can use. Was it me? Do I suck that bad (cause from what I've seen it's not that big of a technical art)? Could it have been my crazy ass hair? Just too damn black and strange looking?

SOOOOOOO I went into this thing Friday at Arena thinking "at least I get a free club night" w/ little to no expectation. I must say the club itself was really huge. The crowd was a good one, very nice people... well behaved and not rude or dramatic. Even the black men were nice (oh there goes my negative views... they were actually very funny and polite.) I felt very comfortable. Like I was just hanging w/ a bunch of smiling happy people.

I admit that as far as mainstream music I'm behind the times. I'll most likely have to listen to more types of electronic/hip hop/rap/pop/mainstream varieties in order to be more used to dancing to it... not taken off guard by it. I made one station on pandora so I don't have to go through the hassle of trying to download everything. Generally I prefer to dance to industrial, even electro and house aren't too bad... hip hop/rap can be a bit slow and boring to dance to. I made a dub step station and I'm gonna look up some vids on how others dance to it to get a better idea of how you're supposed to move to it (plus I like learning new crap)

Guess I'll also need to up my collection of shiney things and glitter and smell good body sprays :D

The thing I'm most looking forward to is making new friends. I had a good time talking w/ most of the girls there. All very bubbly spunky fun loving. One was especially adorable bouncing around everywhere :D

Think we're having a meeting sometime at the end of the month where all the girls are going to meet and such. Should be interesting. Hopefully by then I'll improved a bit stamina wise. (jeez I'll also have to start eating differently. Thinking of cutting out most of the meat from my diet.)

Guess that's all that's going on around these parts... (I tried to search for pics/vids but couldn't find any... if I do I'll be sure to post them up)

(That's not what I wore but I did wear it like two years ago... whatever it's relevant... sorry I don't have a cam anymore I couldn't take any good pictures of anyone )

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Robert Neil Shoot

Went very well yesterday… it was paid so I’m guessing I NO NO get NO pics from it but at least I have monies to buy a cute gogo (underwear bikini fishnetty goodness) outfit for tomorrows cluster fuck of a gogo audition. I only say this b/c I’ve been getting updates on it via text for the past week or so in an unorganized fashion.

***JAW Shoot Tomorrow (Me dancing badly)
***GOGO Audition @ Arena Nightclub in Hollywood (santa monica blvd) Not counting on getting it but I do enjoy dancing and dressing up and the prospect of free night club entry is all too juicy of a deal for me :)
***Try to find someone to watch Wrestlemania 27 w/

^---copied from tumblr

What else is going on in my life? The day job front is an endless, ummm not really going anywhere battle for now. Many days have become routine. This is what I've wanted for years... a routine of some sort. Pretty calm for the past month or so. Still sober... happy, dorkette like and change hasn't thrown me into open flame. Learning to be whole alone is a good lesson. Learning to integrate well w/ others is a lesson I'll be attempting to learn everyday. I'd like to feel as though every day, every realization gets me an inch closer... but we'll see.

Ummmm my birthing day is in 2 months. I still want to take a trip to vegas and party it up. I'm still unsure of what to do while I'm there. The fact that I haven't been drinking (while this is a great thing) has kinda left me awestruck as to how the whole "partying " thing is gonna work. For a long time I wanted to take advantage of the fact that there's no open container law there. Hmmm I'd say weed but I don't really enjoy smoking/ that's more of a mellow kick back thing anyway. Fuck it I'll just hop myself up on lots of candy so I can stay up late. lol

Aside from that there's still Star Trek things for me to explore and of course I will NEED to play House of the Dead 4 Special again. Such a wonderful godly piece of arcade heaven that I would gladly sacrifice eating and sleeping space to have.

more work by necrohound can be found here