I feel uninspired/enthused. I'm a bit tired of the hustle. All I'd really like right now (even though I know ultimately I'll end up bored w/ this as well) is a normal day job. The uncertainty of income at the moment... and well for years now. I just don't want to deal w/ it anymore. I want to know that every Friday or every other week I'll be getting a set amount of something in my pocket. I don't care if it's minimum wage. Just so exhausted/full of money worries dealing with things in this way.
Had a meeting w/ a big time photog the other day that I'm fairly sure I didn't make the greatest impression on. Interviews make me nervous. Very few people have that ability to make me not on edge to begin w/ let alone someone totally new who could hire me for something.
"Every thing counts in large amounts, it's a competitive world" Oh Depeche Mode... you always have the words for every emotional roller coaster.
And then there's the failure of folks on the friendship meters it's my failure to choose better fitting relationships to pursue. Why this is, Why I attract the people that I do I don't know. My vibe is awkward. I know this. I expect impossible things and often return to this place where I don't want to be bothered. "If you leave you'll just find the same issues w/ new faces..." true, I wonder what it is that I'm missing.
Misunderstandings that for all intensive purposes I don't have the energy to deal with nor do I see a point in it anyway. I feel like being completely self involved... stepping inside myself and staying there a while.
I'm more comfortable telling secrets to mere strangers w/ candy than any alleged friend. I wonder if this is a big issue... I wonder if this is a normal step toward being a more complete adult... the self discovery process, and how long will this last.
That's enough for now
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