Monday's Plan

Get up fairly early... take a couple of yogurts w/ me and a giant bottle of water on the way to my interview that hopefully will not be canceled this time :-/  Check up on another job thing. Get a P.O. Box so that I can finally have a mailing address. Register for school.

Hopefully most of this will pan out properly.

Today's shoot didn't happen but I'm hoping I'll be in less of a sick meh blah feeling tomorrow. Hell I have to be. At least my migraine has reduced to nearly nothing now :)

Looking forward to more shooting in the future but more importantly would really like to go back to school. . . hopefully. Baby steps I suppose.

More work by navate found here (mostly this is how I feel going out into the job searching world lol)

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Hmm haven't had a stalker since 9th grade

Wonder what constitutes as internet stalking or if there is such a thing. Most of my profiles are public... I wonder if everyone gets one at least once in their lifetime. Thanks to the godly google search engine these questions are no moar!

***Cyberstalking is the use of the Internet or other electronic means to stalk or harass an individual, a group of individuals, or an organization. ...

***repeatedly sending message that include threats of harm or are highly intimidating; engaging in other online activities that make a person afraid for his or her safety.

Ok the second one don't think I've ever experienced anyone threatening me physically over the net (or at least not anyone who I was afraid would actually "do" anything about it.) I've been "trolled" by plenty of folk though. I'm fairly sure I'm being stalked by a number of individuals (though most of them don't bug me).


Was also reading into copyright law. So long as I'm not claiming to be associated w/ a particular company using a name on the net is perfectly fine. Example... I could call myself Pepsi cola but so long as I'm not claiming to be "THE PEPSI COLA COMPANY" I'm good.... interesting.

Other than that I'm hoping to go to Ruin tonight! Woot Woot! We'll see if I'm up or it later on in the day/night. I may just cuddle up to some wonderful emulator files yes!! I'm getting leagues better at Puzz Loop 2 and some how worst at Twinkle Star Sprites (must remind myself to post the intro to the sega saturn version, her transformation sequence disturbed me lol)

Shoot Sunday... yay more pictures of, myself....

Time to make a few phone calls and start this glorious Saturday , nearly afternoon :D

more of mike feeney's work can be found here

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Blaque Jade Associated w/ Slut Activities

LOL I was considering a name change but now it'll be my goal (until I get bored w/ it which will more than likely be w/ in a few days or so) to associate this name w/ "slut activities" The thought hadn't crossed my mind because I don't really like using the word slut. Just seems very high school to me. Degrading in a sense and I don't look down on what folks do sexually unless it is to the detriment of others.

I've always found it interesting how closed minded folks are w/ in certain sub cultures. You would think since many of these shout about "marching to ones own drum" but are quick to throw people under a bus for not submitting to , how do I say this... that subcultures cultural norms? (I do hope that makes sense)

Example: I remember way back when I was a teen simply asking some "goth girl" about her boots. I basically got told I can't be goth, goths are pale and all this stupid fucking bullshit and ignored while my b/f w/ his rosey ass cheeks, approved underground band t-shirt and long black hair was the pinnacle of a conversation that he didn't even want to be in.

(sorry for the tangent, labels sometimes needed often used to discriminate, put the self one's self on a pedestal)

Guess I can end here, not much more to say... Just amused to hear someone over the age of 19 say the word slut and really mean it w/ vigor who claims to be all about free thinking underground awesome shit and of course as I've said before not gonna change my name unless I absolutely have to and being insulting isn't going to make that happen. I've lost about the last ounce of care that I had on this topic... Now onto more fun slut activities. Perhaps one wouldn't be so bitter if one engaged in some.

googled slut activities and that came up.. LOL

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would you be offended if you had a roommate who walked around in the nude?

would you be offended if you had a roommate who walked around in the nude?

Answer here

is there a such thing as an unforgivable transgression/crime?

is there a such thing as an unforgivable transgression/crime?

Answer here

have you every googled yourself?

have you every googled yourself?

Answer here

Job Hunting isn't nearly as cool as

..... that big game hunting crap though I doubt I could ever kill an animal. I do love collecting those fancy trucker hats hahaha. I'm hopeful though, eventually somethings gotta give.

Sometimes I wonder how long I actually have to stay in any given place. I guess if or rather when I have to leave here if things aren't settled by then I can go apply for homeless vouchers again. I'd rather not though. I'd rather rent a room and sleep on the floor than sleep in a disgusting bug infested crack den... but those are my options at this point.

I don't feel sorry for myself though. I could have done things differently, all in all it's my job to take care of myself first. I've neglected this on too many occasions. It's not a matter of what has been done but what to do differently to avoid being in this whole situation again.

Mostly though I enjoy being in a real home w/ people around. Waking up to  snoring, peaceful face dreaming of blade running or something... wanting to crawl into those dreams. Bustling noises of folks leaving for work and the moments of silence. FUCKING WINDOWS! I always know when it's day or night now. It's never stuffy in here.

I know I can't be here forever... hopefully something good comes up (best bet is tomorrow that damn phone job comes through *fingers crossed*)

Guess I'm off to have breakfast, shower, applying to shit/getting to know the area a bit more... no more yoga for me today, think I broke my neck... so fucking sore lol

why this picture? Just cause it takes me to my happy place. by karuma9 click here for more of their work

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More and More Interactions Lately

For an introvert this has been an interesting experience. I've been catching the strange things that I do sometimes more and more. I wonder if I'll get to a point to where I don't have to tell myself to speak louder when addressing people. Not sure when I got this habit of having such a soft voice... thinking.... Perhaps I just never wanted to be considered rude so I began to talk softer and softer until it was well too soft lol.

Went to the mall yesterday. Normally this would be difficult during busy hours. I generally don't like large crowds especially by myself. I would assume any look I got was probably a negative one (projections ). I'm learning to tell the difference now. I can honestly say I didn't get one evil look the entire time I was there. Got some free tokens and to watch families interacting.

I'm a bit of an avid people watcher. Guess isolating oneself from people can make even a simple talk about what to name this stuffed unicorn dad just won for their child interesting. Maybe it's deeper than that. Most human interactions are new to me... there's a lot of things I probably won't understand as some things are to be experienced. I'll never get father daughter relationships, probably not even mother daughter or most sibling interactions. Not to say that I didn't have some good one's but the way healthy families interact, home being... home in definition, still trying to gather what that really means.

I've moved at least 15 times in the past 9 years. I get why but it's gonna take some effort and long hard planning, thinking to avoid times 17- infinity. It amazes me that there's folks who are far older than I am who can still go home and ask for help. That thought has only crossed my mind when every possible thing has been exhausted and even then I'd probably opt to get homeless vouchers. Sleep in bugs but at least I don't have to worry about being attacked, yelled at or having my things stolen.

The sad thing in seeing new life running about. How beautiful it can be to have children but knowing that  in my heart of hearts there's too much going on w/ myself to be self less enough to deal w/ that. Superficial reasons aside, it's a fucked up world out there and I have issues taking care of myself 90% of the time, bringing another person in would be devastating. Who would want to bare that responsibility w/ me? What do I do when sickness arises? Would rather not have to explain work related things to a child who stumbles upon something, especially a boy, god that would be quite upsetting and embarrassing.

Guess there's always dogs. Perpetually child like w/ unwavering love and loyalty. Can't say that exists in any human being and for good reason too. Though I wonder how much more fulfilling it'd be to get love from a wolf... ok enough tangents for my brain today.

Job interview thing (cross fingers for this shit) Pick up my check? Uh... yoga? Shower :D FOOD!!

find more work by titolec87 here

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would you still opt to get to know someone after having an awkward first impression?

would you still opt to get to know someone after having an awkward first impression?

Answer here

How do you feel about cavities? Is there much chocolate in your mouth?

How do you feel about cavities? Is there much chocolate in your mouth?

Answer here

I understand why people have children now

My god they can be so cute, sometimes. Not only that, but there's something so precious, innocent... inhibiting and beautiful about children. There is no malice, ill intent, no contradictions. Watching well adjusted children is a different experience from those who are neglected and thus have learned to act out to get the attention they want/need. I feel sad for those children. They have the hardest road ahead as all of this will lead to relationship problems in the future.

I think this whole epiphany has brought me back to a previous dream, wanted career goal. I've always wanted to do something that would be helpful to either animals (preferably dogs...) or children. As much as I've said I can't stand kids... that's not true. I just don't like to deal w/ the one's who aren't properly disciplined (this can be overly disciplined or under... both cases come out with the same results.) Mostly I feel like it can be an awkward situation. I don't want to do that job and I have no right to either. At the same time I don't put up w/ disrespect from adults, shouldn't have to suck it up for a half pint either... hence I get a bit torn sometimes.

If I were to pursue my goal of youth psychology... aside from lots of schooling needed, it'd be quite the test mentally, emotionally and well socially for me. I would have to get over some things. I'd have to vastly improve my people skills. I'm aware of my awkwardness... some of the time at least. I've caught myself a few times lately, wanting to revert back into a turtle shell and going... "no" you fucking say something damn it, you want to, spit it out! lol Sometimes a laugh or two is given, sometimes not so much but no one dies so it's really not so painful.

I'm proud of being around a table full of free alcohol and a house full of people and not feeling the least bit uncomfortable. Proud of actually winning in a fighting game for a change. (Think I'll be changing my team in MVC3 to, x-23, morrigan, wolverine <3 ... I do like Deadpool still but, I'm enjoying wolverine a bit more... plus I like the idea of x-23 and wolverine adventuring together and shit... lol I know fucking nerd). I really fucking want an arcade stick now though! I don't think I can go back to playing on a controller... like walking w/ a sprained ankle... on a 360 controller it's like having a broken leg lol. I also downloaded some new rom files (puzzloop2 samurai showdown IV... I think I'm going to get kof 98 next when I get a chance.) I searched for a while for Betrayl at Krondor (old PC RPG that amused me when I was younger) I couldn't find it but I think they sell it for about 7 bucks on the net... I could just buy the damned thing lol.

Many job type things to check on this week.... I'm feeling very optimistic, albeit happy... I don't think I would've seen myself "happy" last summer. Perhaps events started to take place that caused a change that's just now starting to surface?

by anotherwanderer click for more work

Twinklestar Sprites: I love you!

I would really love if this got remade. Such a fun game. I don't even think I get all the mechanics of it. Most shooters don't allow you to bounce back attacks like this one. It's obnoxiously cute, easy to understand/get into difficult to master. LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!!! Too bad that w/ my current computer I can't even run it at full screen (yes it sucks that much)

Other than that... I think today will go well... job fair and then losing at marvel vs capcom 3... a bunch hahaha

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A Halmark to Self

It's been roughly a month. I've discovered a lot about myself. Where my fears root from. A lot about what I will and won't accept. That boundaries sometimes need readjusting. That a disagreement or argument isn't negative in and of itself. Talking w/ those who have the proper tools will eventually yield a positive result.(even if it's a compromise of both parties wishes) Talking w/ those who are stuck in power games doesn't.

I feel like that silly facebook rant was the first time I truly back tracked into something I don't want to be a part of. Silly shit talking for the sake of it w/ no real focus on changing anything. Childish blame games. It appears to me that nothing was really gained from it except to avoid at all costs. I don't need the stress over trivial matters. Over people that I shouldn't even be hearing about anymore.

I've come to the following conclusion. As much as you may "like" a person and enjoy their good qualities one can't blindly go into things backing them up. Often times you will be left to the slaughter. Most people value their roles in whatever plays they play to avoid dealing with their real issues. I can't afford to care about those issues anymore for folks who just want to go back into the same patters. I've come far and have been content w/ the progress I've made in my love relationship... if friendships cannot keep up, I'll just find new friends.

I just know that I don't want anything to do w/ toxic people. Not even a loose association. Don't want to be tied in, don't want to hear about what's going on in their lives. Don't care, doesn't behoove me in the least bit.

So the tricky part is stepping way left field out of my comfort zone and branching out to new social circles. I think in a sense I've half ass done that. I'll just have to keep at it and not let little bumps in the road hinder my progress.

I might be overly analytical. I'd rather be this way than naive. Have a nigga mentality.... be content w/ sub par "friends" who drain my energy rather than bring me new life. My love does that for me, more often than not. There are a few others that I can see that potential in....

I wonder if this will be taken as a personal blow to some, I assure you it is not. This is just me on my personal journey to self improvement. To having the kind of life that I want. A certain amount of detachment for a time might be necessary for a time.

Either way the pendulum will swing where it wants. I'm not afraid of a loss of friendship for taking time out to deal w/ myself and for avoiding problems when I have very real problems of my own. I don't expect anyone to wait forever for me to "find" myself but I do know that those who really want a friendship will understand and not hate me for wanting to be my very best.

Other than that this is the last post I'll be making from this locale. No more cam whorin' para mi. I didn't enjoy it and it's good to end it before it begins to further eat away at me. It works for some but not for me.

Oh and much needed marvel vs capcom 3 time today!! Fuck fuckety yeah yeah!!! I've had random music from that game stuck in my head! Should this job thing pan out this week... I'm gonna have to get my baby a joystick (well I guess technically it's for me, well not technically he doesn't even use one lmfao) and I can buy blazblue FINALLY!!! I can improve my fighting spirit, my mark of wolves (speaking of snk games I still haven't played KOF XII, that's rather sad.) I apologize for the temporary nerd out. OH FUCK I COULD BUY COMIC BOOKS AGAIN!!

In all seriousness though those things aren't at the top of my priority list. I'll mostly be staying in, saving up for an apartment and car (as I've been doing and the saving is going ok for now).

There's a couple of events I want to attend. I do wanna find someone whose planning on ordering wrestlemania 27 and maybe chip in on it. I'd love to go to beyond wonderland (stupid trailer sold me, song made me all giddy and shit. I haven't been to any raves since 09 so it'll at least be fresh to me plus it's 18 and up so all that crap that freaked me out about raves (the minors) won't be present, thank goodness!!

I'm hopeful for the future. In fact I have a confidence in it that I've never had before. I know things will be ok because I will make them ok. I will adjust and I'm not totally alone on this. The potential for non alcoholic friends is high. Potential for still alcoholic friends but not bad influences in my life is looking good too. I won't stop going forth w/ open arms... but those arms aren't going to be open for those who don't want it/those who have proven to be more trouble than they're worth.

more of knytcrawlr's work can be found here

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The Confrontation

As I learn more and more about how healthy relationships work (striving to have good standings in those that I value) I've learned that conflict is viewed so negatively by most people. Confrontation usually means meeting face to face w/ differences, a conflict. Why is it negative to disagree w/ someone?

In all relationships there will be a time when folks do not agree. In one's where people have issues w/ confronting or speaking up when they feel wronged this tends to be where they turn south. Often one will sacrifice their own needs for the other to avoid a real or imagined fear of argument.

I've learned that if you want to grow, if you want your relationship to flourish confrontation is needed. There needs to be a way to express discontent in a positive way (if that makes sense)

We all change a bit everyday , sometimes rules , boundaries... etc need to be refitted b/c they become obsolete. Guess that's why there's so many amendments in our laws right?

Personally I try to  make sure the person is open to what you have to say. Try to say it in a non blame game way. Ask questions rather than assume. (this is a hard thing for a good deal of us b/c of past experiences but it's something we all gotta learn to do)

I just think being comfortable enough to talk about problems rather than avoiding the issue altogether, expecting it to go away or waiting for the other party to handle it (as a lot of folks do) is a set up for failure. We all have to take responsibility for our roles in our relationships. As it was said... this is the adult thing to do.

Perhaps folks aversion has little to do w/ conflict in and of itself. Maybe it's that part of the ego that's still childlike and vulnerable, taking over to protect whomever. A promise from a weaker time. Know that as an adult there no longer needs to be fear of that. No more thinking in absolutes! We can all provide for ourselves and in doing that will attract the kinds of people we want in our lives w/out much effort.

Any who... I'll be spending the rest of this rainy day curled up and applying to places online (after my laundry is done... it was raining pretty hard. I hope it lets up) I may not be updating as frequently in the next coming weeks... dunno how my Internet access is going to be affected by me leaving here. We'll see what happens

more of mattahan's work can be found here

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Minds Eye

Goings on in this little corner of the world lately.... Yesterday had a shoot. In fact the past week I've had three which is unprecedented for me. Something is afoot! Perhaps I didn't put enough effort forth in the past or it could be that I haven't had this much free time in a long while. This is the first time since I started modeling that I have no piercings on my face, no funny colored hair. I'm sure all of these factor in a bit.

I have an interview today! I have my doubts as to whether it's even a real job. Mind you craigs list has yielded some work... you do have to sift through tons of caca before you get to it though. Depending on whether this ends up being real or not, I can then plan my next course of action. If it isn't I'll continue to apply to different things and attend that job fair at 6 flags this weekend which I'm sure I should get hired for since I have open availability. Granted the job would be the death of me (the bus ride anyway)... I think I could handle it at least for the season. Save up for a car/a deposit on a shit place and continue to look for work while I work there (something I've always neglected to do even when I've realized how much I hate the shit out of a job I'm currently working at)

On the name front (for those who have been paying attention) apparently the name blaque jade was created 5 years ago by this person (and I never disputed this fact) bla bla and something about applying for a business license so that's why I should stop using the name etc.  Permission to speak candidly? I don't see why I should care about this... I'm not going to annoy myself by trying to change up all these different site names cause of what anyone else is going through. Sorry if that's bitchy but I do have my own issues to deal with. This just happens to be the one name that stuck and if I absolutely have no choice but to change it (meaning a person takes legal action and even so the name will still be out there in some way shape or form at this point) then I will do so but until then I'm not going through the hassle. I have bigger issues than a handle on the Internet. I've made names too and others have used them. I don't own any of those names... didn't pay for them. Let's be honest here I've been homeless since about September of 2010. 5 months my dear... if you're gonna sue then do it... I don't have shit... if you're not then that's fine too. I can't afford to care about this when I eat about once or twice a day... I'm pretty sure you couldn't have a care in the world about my problems and I honestly couldn't have a dog fart care for yours. It's not my fault you didn't make any real use out of the name. I wasn't even aware that your little corner of the net still existed until recently. Not to say that I'm some "big name bla bla" but.... bottom line- take action if you want the name so badly or don't... either way doesn't matter to me.

On that note I end this rant w/ a hey diddy diddy and away we go!

This sad kitty was made by titolec87... find more of their work here (I wonder if this person's gonna sue me too? oh well... )

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What's in a Name?

So apparently my modeling adult... whatever handle is someone else's property. What can be done about this? I asked her this question. Maybe it would help to start at why I wanted an alias in the first place?

Seems pretty self explanatory. So strange ppl won't stalk me (potentially). I complain about life but deep down under all those organs and adrenal glands I do enjoy life. (shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh don't tell anyone this pweeeze). It was also brought to my attention that using one's real name in conjunction w/ the type of work that I do (often involving some form of nudity) could be a dangerous thing.

I remembered a site that I either happened upon or was contacted by... forget which but the name stood out to me as a potential name for usage. I honestly didn't think much of it... I'm not even sure if it's still in operation. If you wanna go ahead and check it out it's hither I'm not going to b/c from what I remember from my dial up days it had too much clutter on it and it often made my computer freeze... but I digress.

So I was asked to stop using the name on all of the sites bla bla that I'm a part of (so that would be about  6 or 7 sites... ) This could pose a problem. For one set up of a few of those don't allow you to change names so I would have to create a new account (more paper work) and make new content for the new name etc. Other one's this isn't such a daunting task but... I have been using this name for a few years now and I'm half ass known by it so it'd be at least a little nuisance to change it now.

So what am I asking myself? Should I attempt to change at least the names that would be simple to change? Why would I do that since this is not really any other model's handle? People borrow names, sayings, jokes... daily... so I dunno how I feel about this. Honestly I didn't even think the name would get noticed anywhere (perhaps that's the kelly bundy in me. Guess I didn't intend on or think it'd be possible to have my picture taken more than a handful of times before folks were bored of me etc...)


So....... I guess I will see what reply I get.... at any rate my life has more pressing issues than sitting around changing an alias. Well at least I have a shoot to look forward to tomorrow... yay another long day for... erm blaque jade errrrrrrm the artist formaly known as... aww fuck it

more of black funny ducks work can be found here

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Brothers in Arms

Just making a note... since about age 18 or 19, (probably 18 cause that's when I found DDR Freak and then the online blogging sites etc.) these blogs have been a way to get feelings out, start a dialog or just to deal w/ things that are bothering me at that given time. Often once I've ranted I feel a lot better and may not even feel the same way I did when I wrote what was written.

I do see the error in this sort of thing though. I can recall numerous occasions and back and fourths because I blatantly called out ppl on things that would've better been handled face to face or even on the phone, in a PM but were horrible to put out even amongst our circle of friends. I couldn't see it at the time but I understand now.

At times it is a hard habit to break. I would rather write than have a yelling match. Usually it's easier to talk after it's written down.

I'm searching for new ways to release stress w/out saying things to the person in a way or at a level that is exaggerated or dramatic.

It's unlikely that this will be a perfect transition but I will do my best to keep issues of those closely akin out of blogs. A friend said write two letters, the angry ranty one... and then the one where you can think logically because you've gotten all the anger out. I'll have to try that.

I also want to say that if I don't always act like it I still care... sometimes  I just need to be detached and in my own head for a bit so that I can be a better friend, lover, sister, cousin... whatever to you and to be better to myself.

I'm starving! I'm going to get dressed and go eat something...

(an old pic from my second shoot... lance craig was the photographer... really nice guy)

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Words as Weapons

Words can never hurt me... sure they can. Words can be far worst than a broken bone, bruises and scratch marks. The psychological damage can be permanent in a lot of cases for certain words.

I realize this and I have for quite some time. Does this mean that I will not ever make a mistake and say something that I'm unaware of offending you to where you may reply "well you just don't know me that well" ? NO... I don't expect anyone to "know me that well" for you are not me and what's going on in my head, while you can guess at it most of the time I can't fault anyone for not getting something I haven't directly said. Can't say that I always get it right but ... I'm working on it, others do not think this way.

Why do people feel this entitlement to totally serendipity bullshit in their relationships? No one's relationship will ever be perfect. Comparisons to other alleged healthy relationships and constant defense mode tactics when problems are trying to be solved isn't healthy. I can say w/ the up most honesty and confidence that in the past few weeks my eyes have been open to a new way of thinking and I've done my best to leave my ego out of disagreements. I've tried to understand the view points of others and things that I have done wrong.

Even so in some cases when you've admitted you're wrong or that you don't care for long drawn out "plays for the day" some how you are still vilified. "I don't like when you feel the way about things that I feel aren't true about myself" Well... getting angry about it isn't going to change the way I feel. If someone has an inaccurate impression of me (or what I feel is inaccurate....) perhaps it's best to ask why they see you in this light. You might be doing things that you're unaware of.

I wish that people wouldn't look at disagreements as terrible things.

Assumptions are normal human behavior.... perhaps they are but monogamy isn't really natural, marriage isn't... romance. Just cause something is "normal" doesn't mean it's good for everyone. I happen to have my own thoughts that in most instances coincide w/ the norms other times they don't. NEVER GIVE UP MAKING YOUR OWN TRUTH! That said truth is also not infallible... it is biased by our own perspective so don't close off yourself to the truth of others. Never be set in ones way... every experience is a chance to grow. Growing/learning isn't a fun process but it is a fulfilling one. (It's true, Don't think anyone enjoys things they don't understand. I'm still really shitty at fucking air combos and well combos in general. Practicing them is kinda annoying. What does stick out the most in my mind is my first decent set of combos... there is an amazing warm feeling that comes over you once something that seemed impossible suddenly clicks and you get it... that's what I mean about learning.).

I don't think I'll ever take assumptions as positive things. I think a question should always be asked if you're not for certain if something is true. It's very insulting to the person you're dealing with... or at least I find them insulting/irritating.

I hate arguments... rather I hate long drawn out arguments that are unnecessary where the same points are being pointed out as if I'm expected to change what I have said. Yes I get your point but unless you have something new to say agree to disagree please.

Perhaps I do come off a bit too bluntly to folks. Though at times this is praised and other times when it has to do with that particular individual they become defensive and irritable. You don't have to take my opinion as truth... but if you are to be involved w/ me you need to be able to hear it. I REFUSE TO BOTTLE UP MY EMOTIONS ANY LONGER!  I will not hold in my opinion.sensor myself to protect your ego, this is not my job. I'm here in most of your lives to provide companionship and hopefully in some way or another help you to grow, bringing out those good qualities. I don't think anyone should be afraid to express their honest feelings about someone. Granted I could be coming off too cold when I do this. This may or may not change as me being blunt is not something I have issue with... it's probably one of those built in features and will be for some time.

I know my limits. I will take responsibility for my own actions, not bruised egos. I apologize if I don't always know what's on your mind even though I shouldn't have to... that is an impossible to request to make of anyone and comparisons to different relationships on how "they would know" when they too have hurt your feelings from time to time is irrational, childlike magical thinking. Everything isn't so black and white... there's layers, gray areas.... treat each situation individually


I know that I have more upheavals to face in the future and I welcome them w/ mind open. Many questions as to why and how we got here rather than pointing fingers. Prepared to take ownership of my part or flaw in a dispute... I do hope that you all can do the same in your relationships. I hope that me writing this  doesn't in and of itself start some other dispute but I accept that it may. I'm prepared w/ answers for my actions.... Welcome to adulthood.

More of Artsangel work can be found here

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There is no method to this madness

I do this I do that... I rather hate this "job". Granted I will probably hate any job I have where I have to work for anyone else; I will put up with it if I know that at the end of the day coming into work grants me a guaranteed x amount of dollars. This shit right now is frustrating as hell. One day is 20 bucks another 100... can't live like this. I'm looking forward to that job fair thing at 6 flags in a few weeks. Wondering if I could be kept on for longer than seasonal... like keep it as a regular job.

The park itself I haven't had much desire to go there. I don't like thrill rides. They make me very sick/nervous and give me chest pains. I am prone to panic attacks even on rides that I know aren't scary at all.... at some point I'll have to desensitize myself, well maybe it's not like I have to face weird rides in day to day life...

Well here's some good news- I have a shoot valentines day woot woot. That means money in my pocket that I won't be spending because money in my pocket is so few and far between that I'm afraid to buy food. Speaking of which... I should get something to eat.... food and star trek will make everything alright.

Painting by Pendalune

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Today marks 2 weeks of sobriety

Coming from someone who would drink at least 3 times a week this is pretty good. I don't really have the desire to drink. I'm finding that I don't really need to. Much of the paranoia I had been avoiding was only getting compounded into a bigger ball and being released in the wrong ways. I've learned that big crowds doen't neccessarily mean everyone is going to devour the flesh or even notices that you're there.

Everyone doesn't have to be your buddy but there is something nice about casual conversation that I never experienced before. I recognize this as a tiny victory in what is sure to be many battles in the future on my journey to not being a shitty person.


Guess I can fill these shot glasses w/ icecream? :-P

I wanna share a quote that I found interesting "bordom between 2 people doesn't come from being together physically. It comes from being apart mentally and Spiritually" -Brenda Schaeffer

It's a fine line we dance... sometimes it takes a few whispers and a swift kick in the face w/ something before the message starts to sink in. Here's to the ongoing struggle , joys, wonderful things that life has to offer... to knowing our limits and improving each day.

drawing by mattahan

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Moving on to light mode... moving on

Time for the morning release of thoughts and such. The day goes a lot smoother when I have these so let's shout about them shall we!


Nothing stays a diamond forever! When one can no longer say w/out pause why you talk to someone... the light has gone out and looking at them brings irritation  and confusion to your eyes best eject oneself from the situation. When you start having to make excuses for why they're treating you differently. Excuse making is definitely a bad sign. Trust is hard to earn and trust isn't forever. It is a flame that needs continual renewal. As w/ any relationship you gotta pay your daily dues... what you a few months ago doesn't count for shit today cause today I stepped on yo new kicks son so I guess we're fightin'?

Communication...and power plays, that ppl are aware of and subconsciously can unravel any would be "decent" relationship. I will admit that in some circumstances I've had the "they should know" attitude. Things of a common courtesy  nature. I'm very anal about folks being on time and not standing me up. I do get irritated when folks are even a minute late. Sometimes this is a gift as I'm generally hours early for meetings... I'm almost never late b/c I don't want someone wasting time waiting around when they could be doing other things... Then again it is a bit insane to be upset over a 5-10 mins lost.

Common courtesy to me is treating others w/ respect, a basic respect... not yelling at them, listening, don't interrupt folks in the middle of sentences and if you make plans, keep those plans... if you can't then let someone know w/ enough time to do something else or at the very least before they're half way to you're location especially when riding public transit. I've learned that most ppl are flakey at best. I'm not compatible w/ most ppl over a long span of time.


I'm learning that my patience, my tolerance for dealing w/ ppl who I feel in my gut aren't as they appear is reaching 0... I'm at a don't really give a fuck mode. I'm in a if I've watched you do this to others I'm not so special that it isn't being done to me. I'm in defense mode. I refuse to deal with someone who isn't blunt and to the point. I don't need to be sugar coated. Though sadly most people only get to this "blunt" way of dealing w/ people when they no longer care for the relationship. Well kiddies if you would've had that bitch fest years ago most of the problems you've had in your relationships that you bottled up inside, didn't address head on, that folks should have "known" about would've been fixed or at the very least recognized early on. Doesn't mean it's a one shot deal and it's gonna be clear. You have to bring it up every time it happens as no one should be expected to change overnight. It is hard to undo hardwired repetitions.

It's hard to make new friends when in this kind of thinking. For one the negative reasons for not connecting with someone are clear. There's a great risk for hurt and when encountering a similar situation no one wants to willingly touch that potentially hot stove again...

When dealing w/ family members or friends that of those I'm dating, even friends of friends I tend to have a wall up. This is not to say that I hate you... at times I'm curious and would like to know more but I get stuck in the doorway. I don't expect help to be pushed through. In most instances ppl don't take long enough to talk to me to even realize that there's something afoot. This mask is a carefully crafted defense from childhood. From times when adults in my life did not do their job to protect me. I'm aware of all this and even still there's not much has changed about it. I always know more than I let on. I've learned to watch ppl and often enough if I didn't meet you on my on I won't make much of an effort to keep a friendship w/ you because I'll feel that loyalty is elsewhere and I should find my own friends. That when that person that I've met you through is gone you will be gone too. In a lot of cases this is what happens.

Don't see any of my ex's mothers calling me asking if I'm alright. Then again I don't call them either. None of those friends talk to me anymore. Why should I bother?

Sometimes we watch those we once loved grow in different directions. I'd be lying if I said "I'm happy for you" I'm not... no point in caring for those who don't exist especially when my life is in such disarray. I can't expect you to go down w/ this ship though I've gone down w/ many... This is my own error.

Healthy relationships... comparisons and the like when all we know is what we see. We do not see the bad sides of what we're to aspire to but we can right off so quickly that ours isn't right... or even on it's way to getting where it needs to be...

alright I'm done

(painting is by mattahan, check them out on deviantart.com)

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Been keeping a Daily Journal

Not quite like this blog here (though most days I do chime in about something here). Just a general note of things of note that have happened during the day.

I haven't been going out, partially because I literally have nothing in my wallet, partially because I don't want to go to a place where everyone is drinking. I think that this would be slightly easier if I knew more sober folks but just about everyone I know drinks when they go out.

Granted I don't even go out with that many ppl. I've tried to branch out but most of those attempts fail. The person is busy doing their own thing or flakey and sometimes a combination of the two.

Perhaps when I get into some normal line of work or back in school I can expand my social group a bit more. I would really love to hang out with someone who can cook. I want to learn so bad but I've been putting it off since... well there's not stove here... can't really cook in a microwave right? lol! Folks into sci fi. More people who love star trek. I know of a  few but we don't talk as often as I like and I'm in no position to have a trekkie day. Comic book nerds! Most folks I know have a hard on for Japanese shit which is fine but I don't connect w/ 99% of it so often I'm sitting there twiddling my fingers as much of it is lost in translation and leaves a lot to be desired story wise. I care very little for flashy colors... it can be stick figures if the story is moving.

I've always wanted to have a lan party. I have no place to have one. Could always try the Internet cafes?  chances are that'd be out of everyone's money range though.

I wonder if there's a place to meet more folks into Neo Geo 16 bit crap. More folks who emulate? I know that zsnes used to have a server dedicated to it right... I wanna play original mario kart online lol!


Well knowing what we want is half of it. How does one get there? I guess first things first.... stability stability STABILITY... all else will fall into place at a later time. In a sense things have become routine. I get up work and then annoying females come in later and make noise until the day is done. Whether work yields money is up in the air though... I spend the rest of my time applying to shit and have breaks for food, napping, talking to loved ones.

I do believe it will happen. I wonder though if I'll really want it once it's here. I think constant new experiences are needed to sustain a bit of wonder, joy w/ life... I hope to travel in the future. I want to see fire, snow , lava, naked old ppl on a nude beach, I want to see it all

(rydia from ff4 by tsuku sama)

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All Good Things

I've been negative lately yes? (If I hear this voice message one more fucking time... I'm going to kill myself and everyone in a mile radius!) *ahem* Anyway before I go take a long walk to get breakfast cause  bla bla bla let me stop myself before I go to the nega-verse side going to write a list of the good things in life... so sit back and enjoy the sounds of my keys clickety clackety clack clacket

• relative good health: I got knee pains but at least I can still take a nice walk and not pass out and die. Thinking of getting some skates again when I have a bit of extra money (when the fuck do I have extra money lol). 
• I'm pretty-ish: Guess that's gotta count for something...this means I can cover myself in poop, mis matched clothing and black men will still try to "holla" "wat it do ma..." I don't know know, it kills children?
• Brains and shit: I'm smart enough to know how dumb I am and thus on a futile quest for knowledge/self improvement that most ppl don't start until they're late 50's Kudos to being ahead of the mediocre curve ;)
• Friends: I've got a few... I appreciate that you put up w/ me. I can be a bit much at times... paranoid weird, bitchy... I'd like to think it's an equal exchange of smiles, shoulders, honesty and trust... I don't expect that you will always be there... we all have choices, I'm thankful for those who've stayed in my life. 
• Love: in all it's stingy, painful free-est of forms. At your best you are wonderful and at your worst you are equally devastating. 
• Bacon: There need not be explanation... it's fucking bacon! I imagine the food of the gods tasted a lot like bacon!
• THE SUN: <3 <3 <3
• Neo Geo emulator: b/c Neo Geo is godly and makes an ok life a splendid life w/  ur 16 bits of gaming pleeeesure... ur opening screen, a twinkle that melted my heart... you knew that shit had finally started working. Thank you for Samurai Showdown IV, Twinkle Star Sprites, Aero Fighters II, Metal Slug and of course Magical Drop III... those random as hentai games of the 90's w/  lol gals panic... I will own a machine some day... YES I SHALL!
• Fake Hair
• Dr. Martin's
• Disney Land 
• Gene Roddenberry-so many great sci fi works
• Joss Whedon... I'm slowly becoming a fan :D
• Crayons
• Bad movies w/ good friends

Ok I can't contain my hunger any longer... I bid you farewell... hopefully today's job searching shall not suck ball-z-knees

(wicked doubt on deviant art) When do I get to do something like this? I WANT TO NOW!

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