seems like sickness will be my undoing

I usually plan for this by not buying anything but with the holiday's being here and all I had to buy a few things. The Vegas trip screwing up my savings has kinda taken a toll. It seemed that last week was going pretty well though and that it might continue into this week but alas sickness has reared it's fun little head. These days are the worst since I'm a bit of a busy body and hate to be idle for long. This is probably why get sick so often in the first place but it's normally not this bad... a headache here or a sniffle there.

Other than before all this sickness set in I had a lovely rope session over the weekend and some awesome play time. I don't get to do it too often so it was pretty nice. I wonder if I did if it wouldn't be as special?

Had an awesome shoot with DW Kim this past week as well. The full zivity sets should be up soon so if you like them please vote on them if ya have an account. I also have quite a few invites left so if you're interested let me know and I'll get ya an invite. The way zivity works is you get so many votes per month for paying a small fee and you vote on sets you like... that's how the model and photographer are paid which is pretty neat if ya ever wondered about how to pay back a model/photog for an awesome set!

On the other end of the spectrum wheels 2000 magazine dude contacted me out of the blue. Fine I guess since I'd been looking into ways to get published and regardless I'm up for trying any kind of shoot at least once so sure I'll pose with a bike and a wheel and see how I feel about it later. So I get a call with a silent voice message. Then read his MM message to find that it was him and saved the number and said I would call on the date that he specified which would've been today. Instead of waiting he calls a minute or so after I sent that message. I answer (reluctantly). Frankly I don't like having business type calls at night... especially after 8 or 9 which is pretty close to the time that I start getting ready to go to bed or just wind down and contact loved ones for quality time.

I don't remember what he opened with but I just said hey it's kinda late. So he goes into some sort of ridicule of it's not late WOOOOOOOA most people I know aren't up until noon bla bla bal bal bal. A great first impression to make fun of someone you haven't met in less than a minute. I was already feeling joyful about working with this person. Instead of talking about the magazine and setting a date to shoot and details he starts saying I shouldn't have nudes in my port and that I should have a website. I said I'd love to have one but I don't have the skills to build one myself. I'd need to get into some sort of collaboration with someone else in order to build one especially a pay site which is what he was mentioning. He said something about charging 20 a month which seems pretty overpriced considering there's many multi-girl sites that don't charge nearly as much. Why would anyone pay 20 bucks to see one girl in pictures?

So this continued for a good 15 mins of him telling me shit I already knew and thought about/tried and accusations of making excuses for not having said things. I'm more pleased by this person the more oral waste that comes out of his cum receptacle. I state that a site is not a priority for me. I already have the networks I'm on linked. I know I could web cam via my own site BUT building a fucking script and all that not through an existing site is also work... why would I abandon the folks that I've already built up to start over on my own anyway? I already use extra lunch money to make custom videos and clips and ppl can mail me through there. I have an email up for contact. I don't really need to have a site. I also stated that it costs money that I simply don't have. So he goes into wix which I don't want a fucking wix site.... AGAIN MORE SHIT I ALREADY FUCKING KNEW!

After this he finally mentions that he no longer works for the magazine because of personal issues that he can't even get into. Why the fuck would you contact me to shoot for a magazine that you no longer work for? So I'm fuming internally and trying my damnedest not to spout off verbal fecal matter. He mentions a pic where I have on the stripper heels and a bobbed wig in a window... that this is the type of shit he shoots. I'm still unimpressed and wondering wtf his point is. Then he asks what my current hair is like. I state that it's like my current icon picture and that if that's a problem I can either wear a wig or we could shoot in a month or so which is when I was planning on changing my hair... I could just change it to a more subtle color/style.

Instead of going ok cool talk to you then as most photographers do he goes into some OH HELL NAW if you can afford to go to the shop for bla bla bla you can get your hair did. I shoot classy stuff, bla bla bla. He also criticizes another pic that I shot with Pinhook where I'm in the door way with cuffs and a collar because those things are not "classy"

At this point I'm about done being talked to like a half with. I say What is the purpose of this call? What do you want? He goes into a rant about punk rock hair... I'm like ok but these are braids you do realize this and I also said i'm changing my hair in a month so why do you care what my hair is like now? More muttering on about straight hair and being classy and shit... I cut him off with "so the more white washed I look the more classy I am" If I simply straighten my hair with chemicals or glue someone else's hair to my head I'm more classy? He says NAWWWW but pretty much confirms what the hell I said

I pretty much stopped listening half way through... and replay with yep ok whatever until he finally decides to gtfo the phone. I blocked him after the call.

I think I'm more heated about this since he's also african-american. What kind of self hate do you have to try to convince me that the way I choose to look is not ok. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH If I just put a damn weave in I'd be so fucking rich?!!

For a while I had my hair straightened and had fake straight hair too... it doesn't make a fucking difference. The beauty standard is what it is and no matter what I do I will not completely be "it" so why should I try to? Most of that shit is boring to me anyway. On the flip side the alternative beauty standard is set in very specific terms that I also don't adhere to as much as ppl rant and rave that I could totally be a suicide girl or some other fucking site that simply doesn't desire to have me there.

I've accepted that I don't fit in a box. I like my curves... my dark skin, my shifty ass eye that acts retarded when it's strained or looks up at certain angles. My pudge that comes out when I sit down. My big ass thighs. My big fuckin forehead and it's little harry potter scar. My nappy hair, whether straightened or locked in braids.

I don't have any issue with who I am, what I do or what I look like.... if you do then kindly gtfo and take ur issues elsewhere. Your entitled to that opinion just as I'm entitled to thinking nikki minaj looks liek a fake little kim and makes me vomit a little in my soul every time I see her. But would I go to her and say... Hey you need to be like this and that.... NOPE cause she has a right to be whatever fucking way she wants and since she's making money from it I'm sure she doesn't give a good rats ass what I think anyway...

Now I'm gonna get into bed and attempt to rest... 3 more shoots left for the end of the year... Hopefully I'll be well enough by the weekend to make this next one. I really don't want to cancel.

so that's about it....

by DW Kim

Watch out for the full set on zivity coming soon!! Check out my other sets while you're there!

another weekly update!

While I have a bit of time of clarity here's how things are going... First my schedule then some random ramblings for those who enjoy that sort of hub bub!

Schedule as of today 12/14/12

**December**

14th DW Kim shoot

15th Rope Bondage Session @ 1pm

22nd PJ Hitman Shoot for Zivity

28th Anthony Randall Shoot

**Januray**

if you'd like to book something let me know!


*******

Other than that things have been going pretty good. I've got my xmas shopping done. If I have a little bit more in the money department I can get some more gifts for people. Things have been selling pretty good on ebay as well. I do sell things really cheap so maybe that's why :D If you'd like to see what I have left feel free to check out the side panel for that.

I've gotten a few xmas gifts already which is already better than last year! Thank you to all of you guys. I really do appreciate all of your kindness :D

I have a few shoots in the works with people leading into next year and a few zivity sets in the works as well. For those who don't know what zivity is, it's a place where members can vote on sets they like and photographers/models can split profit on said sets. I think it's pretty low cost to join and you get so many votes per month. Models and photographers get a free account for life so long as you submit a set and such. There's tons of tools on it that I haven't gotten around to using. Hopefully I'll get to do that soon.

I'm also looking to submit some sets to publications soon so if this is something that you're interested in please don't hesitate to drop me a line or comment where ever you might be viewing this!

I got some random arcade time in after my shoot yesterday as well. I had forgotten how odd people can be. Not to say that I'm the most socially adjusted person on the planet as I'm really not but... it's a special kind of human being that frequents dark arcades lit light strip clubs so that no one may see the scary details of the faces that lay w/in. The girl I met was "nice" I guess but did that weird that folks do sometimes where they spout off about some random shit really quickly with out much of an introduction and then scurry off into the sunset. Before I could ask her name (as she did seem kind of nice) she was outta there w/ a nice tazmanian devil cloud of dust coming up from the ground.

I was also reminded of my refusal to play fighting games online and weird dudes who hang in arcades who talk about you far too loud making it akward for vagina's who just want to go out and play some damn games. "bla bla bla noob, bla bla bla street fighter IV my guile eats babies bla bla bla sailor moon" Surely talking about a woman very loud is an effective mating call, and wearing clothes that are ten sizes too large and at least 5 years old is also flattering.

As much as I have a love for nerds there is this form of dirty smelly nerd that talks too much shit/comes off as a loud obnoxious child that repels me just as much as I'm attracted. Oh well to each his own I guess.

I did get to see a pretty decent street fighter IV match as well which was cool.

I also learned this week (or rather relearned) why I don't wear heels out. It seems that I need to be taught this lesson at least once every 5 months. Dammit to tryin to wear cute shoes and be cute whilst car less. I also don't know shit about regular clubs. I never know where to go when there isn't an industrial club going on. Aside from most places not playing anywhere close to something I want to dance or hear, a lot of them (in hollywood anyway) have those weird lines outside where they don't let people in which I'd just rather not deal with.

So I really should work on saving for a car. I'm very tired of limiting where I go according to transit/not being able to wear skanky outfits because I'm taking a bus full of trannies and hobos and don't want to be accosted. No one should have to make that sacrifice :P

I guess that's about all! I should have my schedule for being online to chat all figured out by Sunday. Should my health cooperate with me it should be a fascinating week!

I hope you all enjoy your weekend and have some special times with those you love


XOXO

Britney Siren

By J Sigurson (not final product, just a proof I got that also explains my feeling about the weekend and fun times to be had... rock out with your genitals inside of your underwear cause it's a dangerous real world out there!)

existential wastes exists as fodder for the masses

So I put my schedule up top for those who just want to see that... if ya want to read further ramblings feel free to scroll on past that :D

Schedule so far!!


**December**


7th J Sigerson shoot

8th (work)

9th X-mas Group Shoot in Orange County (http://www.modelmayhem.com/po.php?thread_id=869138&page=1#last click there to see all the models attending, more info and to attend as a photographer)

14th DW Kim shoot

15th Rope Bondage Session @ 1pm

22nd PJ Hitman Shoot for Zivity

If you'd like to book something feel free to contact me wherever you see this and we can set something up. Still planning on visiting San Fran for my birthday next year (in May) If you're in that area I'd love to hear from you as well :D

**Recent Life Crapola... **

Now that those things are out of the way... I can say that things are going ok. I'm noticing more of an urge not to respond to anything I disagree with posting wise as many don't have the proper tools for debate. The ability to say your piece, listen to another POV and if the two can't come to a mutual agreement move on in an orderly and peaceful fashion.

I spent a day in my old neighboorhood... walking through the shitty ass baldwin hills mall. I came to the conclusion that people around there still don't smile and are a lot more loud and audible with opinions you didn't ask for. They also stare a lot in a very rude way that I haven't experienced in  5 or 6 months and are kind of off putting. I honestly had forgotten how obnoxious my hair had been until I got to that neighborhood. Then again it seems that no matter what look I have I always managed to get the worst looks from people. Weather I looked far too happy or too sad or walked around with the wrong people.

I managed to shrug it all off pretty well but it lead me to some interesting thoughts. Why do people feel the need to correct others/judge those who aren't in their lives? We all have a pretty small amount of people we deal with on a regular basis who really matter... whether someone dresses in a way that you dislike (w/in the confines of reason, obviously someone with their genitals nearly out in a park full of children is inappropriate but simply disliking how someone matches their colors is silly to yell at them for it)

I thought about how far I've come in not really caring. A younger version of me might've have felt the need to retort back with some sarcastic reply that would've gone over their head. I think I was mostly irritated that someone was yelling things at me while I'm trying to listen to my grandmother say something. It's just a very rude thing to do... otherwise I probably wouldn't have noticed at all.

I do get it that others fixate on other people so that they won't have to deal with inadequacies in themselves... sometimes it's other things. Perhaps this is why I don't really get too upset about most things.

Though I am a bit upset about these st johns wart pills. I feel incredibly sleepy now and my stomach is all out of wack. I told myself I'd stick with it for a bit and see how they do. If it gets too bad I'll have to look into a different supplement perhaps. For now... a long train to sleepy town is where I shall go

XOXO

Britney Siren

PS: My borderlands 2 Siren is level 50 now muahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

by Rachel Spurr

Recent going on's and such

Much of the same, camming, taking photos and dancing around in circles for the amusement of myself. I ordered the xcom remake that came out a few months ago on cyber monday. It should be here sometime on friday. Chances are I'll be out of the house when it arrives but I'm expecting to get some decent playtime by monday. Got things to mail and such. Still dragging my feet through red dead redemption's one player mode and the random pack of dogs that live next door are still making scary noises at about the same time everyday making it impossible for me to sleep through an entire day. Life is pretty good!

I would very much so like to travel up to san fran around my birthday next year. I've never been there and I'm trying to set up a few shoots and some possible travel accomodations/split the costs. If any of you would be interested in that do let me know:)

I've at least heard from a couple of photographers who expressed some interest in shooting. I'll continue to pester folks until something is accomplished. Hopefully I get the hang of this whole "traveling" thing. My last trip was a bit rocky. I got work done but I didn't do any shooting :( So hopefully me announcing this so much in advance will help things go in the right direction.

I'm also selling some old items from old shoots on Ebay. Feel free to check the side panel for what I'm selling currently. I may put some more things up there (though a lot of things I haven't been able to locate cause I've been letting the laundry monster pile up in my closet)

*recent shoots(

Alt Error Messy Body Scapes Group Shoot (if you didn't attend this one do join the meet up group by clicking the link aforementioned so that you might attend another, always reasonably priced unique fun shoots! Models and photographers are welcome to join!)

 By Saltwater Production Company

 by Jon Salisubry w/ model Audrey

 By Grant Palmer

 Late entry to the edit the photo thing I had a month ago... I really like how this was edited... thank you so much mr. Huntli


**Schedule as of today**

 **NOVEMBER**


30th Marco Patino Shoot @ 1:30pm

**December**

1st (work)

2nd Group Shoot (never got details on how to attend, should I get them in time I'll post them)

7th J Sigerson shoot

8th (work)

9th X-mas Group Shoot (details when I have the info)

14th DW Kim shoot


Guess that's about all folks! Cya in the multi-verse!

XOXO

Britney Siren

Photo's from some recent shoots!

Ghoul Girls Shoot

Alt Error Shoot  (2 in 1 cyber clown invasion and birds of paradise shoot)

Photographer Jaw Images

Models

Zelda, Marie Panzer, Anessa Mitchell and myself

Glendale Group Shoot

I don't have a link to the actual group shoot since I was invited sort of last minute but this photo is by Peter Dang




**Schedule Update**

**NOVEMBER**


23rd Alt Error Messy Shoot for details about attending or modeling click the link http://www.meetup.com/Alt-3rR0r-LA/events/88962062/

30th Marco Patino Shoot @ 1:30pm

**December**

3rd Group Shoot (details when I get them)

9th X-mas Group Shoot (details when I have the info)

(most weekdays I'm on cam during the daytime on Streamate or Cams feel free to add me on those respective sites for live chatting since they give alerts when I'm on if I'm favorited. If you're new to Cams I believe there is a promotion for free credits when you join which you can use on anyone you please so clickety click click and join why dontcha?)

Also welcome to taking requests for custom videos/pic sets... feel free to message me for details wherever you're seeing this w/ some contact info. If you'd like to shoot feel free to message me as well. Always welcoming paid shoots, trade for zivity or things that have a fun and awesome theme/challenge. Also interested in doing submissions to paid sites/publications and what not.

If you're in another state and are willing to cover travel something can certainly be worked out as well. :)

Other than that... things are going pretty good, Hopefully many fun pics to come soon of my new hair, lots of traveling in the future and lots of fun times to be had. Little time being sick (cause right now my head is being a little odd so I'm going ot have some fruit and see if I feel better in time to enjoy some lovely industrial music tonight :)

XOXO

Britney Siren

Edit the Photo Challenge

Sorry for being a bit laggy with this... after that some what botched Vegas trip and today having le stuffy head cold (hopefully tea/soup will help my nose) ... I've been feeling rather spent. So if there is one thing I do today I will at least post the results that I've seen so far. It's been a month and three days and I'm really overwhelmed and over joyed at the response that it got. I could make this a monthly thing though I'm not sure that most photographers would be ok with this. Would you all prefer a pro pic or something I've taken myself? I'll get to schedule updates and such in a different post cause my head nose and tummy are pulling me in different directions and I haz lots of linking to do so w/out further ADOOOOOO here's fancy edits from you lovely deviant art people :D

By: photolinguist

By slimerjspud

by ridgewood123

By xp0s3

By fueledbypartii

By theblackpiano

Both Images by oi101

Thank you all so much for your edits and thank you for the original photographer Leonard Thompson for being cool with this being edited

here's the original!!

XOXO

Britney Siren

Faces of rage

swimming through my proverbial brain space. Normally while at home I'd have a few notes on what to talk about since I get very wordy and go off track as I'm doing right now. Perhaps I should keep this limited to one topic and do one about recent shoots and such when I'm back home and have the will to go through recent pictures.

I'm still in las vegas, alone. I'm not super excited about this. It didn't start out this way. Day 1 I could hardly sleep for all the excitement of traveling by myself (though some what sad because I wish I had a loved one to keep me company while proud of not dying even if it's for such a short distance.) I got up about 4:30am, traveled to the bus station, got on said ghetto bus and hitched that ride amidst the smelly Mexicans and Koreans to make my way here on time. Never got sent this magical map I was promised and when I called to ask for said map I was given this whole "well ya should've got it" OBVIOUSLY IF I HAD IT I WOULDN'T BE CALLING. This didn't entirely phase me but it was kinda irritating that I'm up at 4am and here on time even without all the shit I was promised (including the actual pay for this production).

The first couple of days went in a sort of pattern of friendly conversation, day dreaming off about hugs to keep imaginary warmth since I managed to leave all my warm shit in los angeles cause that's how I roll? I thought I packed a real jacket in all my flailing around the night before to make plans to get here but this was not the case.

I expected to do all the days. The last went by the quickest for me but it wasn't the most pleasant. I'm not sure if ppl think because you're being kind that something is wrong with you but I feel like I can't be nice to ppl. Sure on occasion you meet a few ppl who don't make you want to vomit every time you see them but on most occasions this isn't the case. In all honesty most ppl bore me to death or try to say stupid shit to appeal to my "sista" side.... this is the best way to make me want to silently kick you in the nut sack. I KNOW I'M BLACK BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T HAVE AN ELEMENTARY MASTERY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. Yes I know what rap is, no I don't listen to it often and when I do it's probably shit YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT cause you think EMINEM is hip hop.... you are not a pirate... sit the fuck down.

There was one person in particular who has summed up everything I hate about this city (minus being drunk or having the feeling that if you're not drinking and fucking everyone that something is wrong with you mentally). I tolerated him for as long as I could but it seemed like this person would just keep PUSHING until I would punch him in the face. To avoid said face punching I walked away. What led up to this? The most mind numbing asinine conversation about pot, constant talk about me being high? I haven't smoked or drank since I said I was officially over it... JUST CAUSE I'M HAPPY DOESN"T MEAN I'M ON DRUGS. Perhaps he is only used to ppl acknowledging his presence under the influence of drugs. The very last action that set me the fuck off into seeing red territory which hasn't happened in nearly a year was a very awkward tap to the side of my boob with a prop beer bottle and the words "I knew that's ok cause you wouldn't get violent" I gave the most appalled face and was like WTF. He stayed around muttering more words and picked up my prop drink after I sat it down during one of the breaks and tried to play keep away. At this point I had to get away before punching him as I didn't like that shit as a kid and I'm less keen to it now especially from an invalid who has already had me in a sour mood amidst the coldness. Mind you I have arthritis so my bones are at the point of chill and pain and my hands are numb. I attempted twice to get it and then said "fuck it you carry that shit then" and skipped all the way to the other end of the block.

I didn't talk much to anyone for the rest of the night. Partially too uncomfortable after that weirdness and resisting the urge to outburst as I've done in the past for things much smaller than this. All the weird men on their vag hunt was also starting to get irritating... and all the cracks in much of human socializing was starting to make me more nauseated. The drunks being more visible and yelling more mind boggling stupidity was also wearing my niceness card thin. Wearing the same clothes for days. Pain in much of my body....

On top of this I haven't managed to book any shoots while out here. Most of the folks I contacted never responded further when I gave them my availability or wanted to shoot DIRECTLY after pulling a full overnight shift which I just cannot do.

So I'm done putting effort into it. This is not the holy mecha of creative random ppl wanting to shoot one dressed in plastic wrap and fancy lighting. I was even willing to do a trade shoot with someone who doesn't suck since I don't make it out of my state very often.

Lesson being.... don't be nice to people because they'll be that kind of irritating overgrown man child who pushes things too far that I always seem to attract when I'm in a good mood. Don't try to book shoots last minute cause it just won't happen. Vegas is not a place for someone who wants to be in their normal mind or doesn't want to have sex with a bunch of brain dead people.

Had I been here with a friend I would have someone to make fun of all this dumb shit with w/out muttering a word at all, share a laugh or two and have fun while doing nothing.

So today I plan on actually wearing some fucking make-up, wearing decent clean clothing and wandering the shitty streets with headphones on at full capacity HOPEFULLY ending up somewhere that will leave me with a better taste in my mouth and not getting lost through the aquatic ruin that is this cess pool toilet of a city... america's toilet , I think that is what I will refer to this city as from now on.

I'm not really sure why ppl live here... it seems like every time I leave LA I find more reasons why it's my home and why I love it. Perhaps the same little hidden nooks exist here and I haven't uncovered them.... maybe not but I don't have the youthful naivety or patience to uncover them when I already have what I need at home, even if rent and cost of living is fucking ridiculous there... I'd rather pay more to not want to slit my wrists everyday... If I lived here... I think I would drown myself in a kiddy pool.

Hopefully you have received some sort of amusement from my negative rant. If you live in this state/city and love it that's cool but I don't think this particular area is made for me... then again what area is? With this election thing over I expect more ignorant Negros to have even lamer lines to throw my way that will leave the soul puking from the insides. I don't desire this kind of ego boost and yet here it is. Does the universe work in the way that if you just don't want something so much that it gives it to you in buckets? People making invalid assumptions based on appearance, musical taste or over all awkwardness?

I have all the time to go into all those topics individually but I'm sure you don't want to read for much longer and I'm utterly shocked to have had your attention for this long.

I'd really be happy if I can attend some karaoke and sing cheesy pop songs of the 90's in the poorest fashion possible... maybe I'll do that and then I'll be in a good mood again.

One thing that has to change... white ppl and black ppl who seem to have this issue of treating ppl or emphasizing race all the time for one's discomfort of me not fitting into a box or white guilt or sheer idiocy. I don't care who the president is... if you have to say "what up" to greet me or talk about rap music that I don't even fucking listen to cause you assumed I did cause that's what niggas do right? OH YOU DON'T LISTEN TO THAT SHIT you must be white washed. For your fucking information I grew up in south central, the jungles, Figueroa area and fucking watts.... MAYBE I HAVE A BRAIN AND I'M NOT MERELY A PRODUCT OF MY ENVIRONMENT! Maybe everyone from the "ghetto" isn't fucking precious.... judge a single person as that entity and you'll be viewed as less of a retard more often. The labels we place on folks are often not enough to describe a person past surface value... we aren't limited by race, the music we listen to or even our spiritual (or lack of) beliefs. People can still be valuable even if they dont' fit the mold you have in your head created by Hollywood because you can't step out of your ten blocks and actually meet real ppl. In most cases you are a coward, leave ur preconceived notions up your ass where they belong.

Also Fuck hooters ugly tit-less women... I've only seen a few who were attractive or had some boobs... You hire fat hoes and pregnant bitches but not me. Even when I had the straight fucking white washed hair nope.... so honestly FUCK YOU! Yep racism and covert racism is alive and kicking but I won't let it get me down after this post.... feelings dispersed and I'll go about my life not giving much of a thought to it unless it comes up again (which I'm sure some asshole will put emphasis on some stupid shit at some point )

oh no poor negro playing the race card... maybe I'm just ugly and have no tits so I should stop applying to said places... Yeah that must be it.... bllllasjgoeiahgeohgahegiojeowihgwoiehgoiejwiofjeoijwoigh322220ut0u

oh yeah was doing extra work for some a thing that shall remain nameless cause I signed some shit saying I can't mention the name and I'd like to not get sued cause I have no money anyway.


Everybody in the club gettin' raped.

And so here we are

It's Friday and the streets are live with the pitter patter of strange hobos and stray dogs and I can't help but feel really good today. The pessimist in me wants to have this dark ominous cloud following me like the cute little blob in the zoloft commercials waiting to rain on my parade that is known as this week but it's been going very well and I'm pretty happy/thankful for that.

I watched that C M Punk Dvd that came out not too long ago. I know some people don't like him but in all honesty I love a good villain. Not only that but how he was portrayed on a personal level a lot of it was very similar to me. I found it very inspirational. If this guy can come from his background and have these things happen to him, work hard and accomplish his dreams whilst stone sober no less why can't I? I could go into all these goals I have but I think the bottom line is I'd like to live a life where I can travel at some point, live off of modeling more than camming (while it can be enjoyable and entertaining much of that has to come from self but I can talk more about that later should I not forget in my jumbled mumbled brain) Learn a plethora of skills and learn tons more about how humans minds and social networks work. I think it fascinates me so much because I don't know that I work entirely the same way and a lot of social norms fly right over my head... I don't derive pleasure from them and it takes effort for me to attempt them or understand them.

Some recent shoots I had scheduled either flat out didn't happen because they thought it was another date or they just booked another shoot w/out telling me which is kind of annoying. I haven't had so much trouble in the paid shoot arena as I have lately. Generally speaking if someone is paying you they tend to keep to shooting that date/are serious about shooting. Not to say that I don't take trade shoots serious although the priority of them depends on a few things. I've been modeling a while and if I feel like I'm going to get shitty pictures from someone or something that isn't on par with things I've shot already I'd just rather not bother. Someone whose fun to shoot with... and well how hungry I happen to be at the moment. I'm not sure if this is just a "my luck" moment but it's sort of disheartening. I do wish I had the skills to make my own Alt/nerd/fetish/all kinds of weird shit I enjoy in one place kind of site but my lack of Internet know how, photography skills and random throw away fuck you money keeps that from happening. I wish there were more female photographers... it's often a very different vibe altogether... one that is less concerned about being beaten over the head and carried over the shoulder to their impending doom.

But I digress... My shoot with Robert Nelson was pretty rad. He's a very nice guy and his wife lady woman person is pretty awesome and funny too. I feel a bit bad for not being able to stay longer and I'm surprised that I got through that whole thing w/out dying as I was having some personal issues that I'm not sure if they were showing on my face or not. I guess that's modeling... pushing through things... which I normally have no problem doing but it was pretty difficult that day. I often felt on the precipice of grade school type tears... the kind of ugly cry face that kindergartners make at nap time. At any rate you shall see those pictures as they get to me...

Model Mayhem itself has been a bit hit or miss... some legit people contacting me and some obvious weirdos with odd names (says the girl with her own odd pseudo name) for dates. Not even just dudes but it feels like every 6 months or so I get some random stripper looking girls asking me out or asking to shoot something and when I ask for more details it's the kind of stuff that I would cringe at if a guy sent it to me. (I do admit it's a bit more flattering having a really hot chick send me skank shit than dudes... though this is of course not the right venue for such things... I'm there to work not fuck people)

Meanwhile on xbox live I find the most covert racism IN THE WORLD! And of course the most blatant racism. I don't like to be thought of with the limits of my skin is this color therefore I can only be x amount of things. Same thing goes for gender arthritis or the occasional brain freeze I suffer from with my memory placing things in the incorrect order cause it likes an orderly kind of mess. Because of these stereotypes I'm not sure if they presume I'm a little boy, a white girl or what but it's kind of interesting hearing people talk as they would if there were no black people around. I'm sure a few mean no harm and are so  burdened by their white guilt that it makes me giggle a bit.... and others say some things out of malice and self hatred which I find far less amusing.

I think if everyone walked with the thought of I represent myself, my own truth, feelings, views and morals... not the sum of my particular races victories or failures. No we can't forget that well b/c we're not allowed to. It's difficult to walk around w/out a chip on one's shoulders when my race is brought up on a in nearly every interaction since I don't fit in to what a typical black girl, gamer, goth, weirdo, cam whore, model or any other stupid label one would throw my way. I think most people have these layers and don't fit neatly into one section... flowing with little parts of rebel and conformist, radical and conservative here and there to make a person who is unique and yet similar to someone some where... as those who are truly unique are often labeled insane and have these crazy eccentric views and end up living in the mountains for having far too much brain activity to live amongst the masses. I'm happy to be smart enough to realize I know absolutely nothing, yet not so smart that I'm utterly miserable all the time. Thanks booze for killing off those extra brain cells and making this possible. (speaking of which I will not be doing drugs of any kind anymore... I know I've probably said this before but it's only putting off important feelings that I need to deal with. I don't enjoy the lack of control or risking myself as I have... I don't mind if you do them and I'll even buy you a drink or two but I just can't deal with it any longer.)

Moving right along... I got asked "why you know model for suicide girls?" to which my only reply can be that I've tried and applied to all these alt girl sites even when I had a fuck ton of face metal and much more wild hair and my mediocre sarcasm arsenal of dry wit and love of hand me down clothing and bad music but alas I'm not the prototype one is looking for. Perhaps to them I'm not good looking or bad looking enough. Maybe I didn't wear the right band tee? But then I can only think of some of that random chick that's on Burning Angel as dark if not darker than me looking like some regular girl I went to high school with and then I recall that it all might be a scam. As far as suicide girls itself... through much much reading of their contract with no end date the exclusivity and having to be voted onto the site with veteran models also being able to enter this contest as a way to obtain lots of free content I must simply decline from using that site. The others I usually get some automated message trying to get me to buy some damn membership saying oh maybe you'll understand what we're looking for (give us your money, you dont' know anyone to get you on the site so bugger off). So I've essentially given up on the alt girl scene... I'm too odd for normal, not fat enough for urban, not odd enough for alt... yet I seem to do well at artistic endeavours, cosplay and I love the shit out of fetish... Though I've been told I smile too much but frankly if you're doing fetish and you don't smile then who ever tied you up fucked up. It should be fun.

Another random comment about Web Camming has lead me to the following thoughts in no particular order. Sticking with it.... For those who don't know I've web cammed off and on for the past 2 years. I would say I've been fairly consistent at least with one site in particular which can have lots of rough spots and slow days... other site's I'm fairly new too or have recently returned to. Now to get to the nitty gritty of why a girl may leave a site in favor of another. Some sites simply have better traffic. Others have a better/more fair percentage or more ways to earn money. Those same "fans" that demand that they've been looking for/miss you stop spending money or even coming into your room because they died or got bored or are broke or found some other pachanga in another room. The economy also sucks so spending money on x site when you only make 5 - 8 bucks or some other shit salary in a few mins is a lot of fucking money. There is a plethora of free porn (which I admit I do watch) and free cam sites where you can see quite a bit w/out paying anything (also guilty of watching) So with all these reasons for not watching/paying for someone "sticking with it" isn't really sound advice. Of course one has to stick with something or be around, that's like saying... keep walking and you'll get to your destination... this is apparent but what about the obstacles along the way.

I'm not an expert on the subject but I will say from my personal experience basic things one would need is good lighting, a decent HD cam which you can get for around 100 bucks or less. Kink had some of the most amazing fucking webcams I ever fucking used/seen and I'm scared to even think of what those cost but if you're starting to make billions of dollars a day the remote controlled kind might be something to invest in. High speed internet is also and do stream with sound. Some other not so obvious things would be to look at both the top girls on a site and the not so top girls to get an idea of what the site is actually like. I'm not saying to mimic these people but you should know what the hell you're in for. A site like myfreecams differs greatly from streamate which is different than kink... some favor the free chat (doing shows for tips and everyone seeing the show) Others favor teasing and talking in public to get everyone to pay for a show or a private show and others have a bit of a combination of both. Some let you show things in public, others do not.

Personally I don't like the free chat format. I feel that if you didn't pay to see me you shouldn't see me... also the free people tend to be the most demanding and rude for some god awful reason. Perhaps most of them are trolls which I guess is another thing. If you're black like me expect to get a lot of guys with some sort of fetish for black women... some of it flattering and some not so much. Do have an open mind as you'll get everything from someone just wanting to talk to you to ppl talking about incest and animal rape so to which you can't do a face of disgust.

Treat people with respect and demand it for yourself and if they can't kick their ass the fuck out. Keep it light keep it fun and friendly. How one does that and develops their personality on there is up to them and tends to take a bit of time. Smiling helps, talking helps... if you're dark and wear bright colors people tend to like that as it stands out more. Greet those who enter your room so they know you're not a damn video.

DO NOT GO ON AT ALL IF YOU FEEL LIKE UTTER SHIT b/c most likely you will be bitchy and not welcoming and people will not come into your room.

That's really all I can think of right now I guess. I think every person finds what works for them or for the particular customers they get... so that's my unorganized opinion and shit

A note to those who would be customers... a girl who might be having a bad day isn't necessarily a bitch just b/c she is having a bad day. Note that many of these sites by standard only offer 30% of what you give them... some offer even less than that I've found (another reason why girls charge high prices or leave a site because they can't make enough money with such low percentages) with really high minimums to get a check. I'm sure this is done so that the company can keep all the damn money and not have to pay bitches. I was really shocked to see percentages as low as 15% in some places which is retarded as fuck.

And so here's my latest schedule update. Things are subject to change but this is what it is right here and right now! If you'd like to book a shoot feel free to contact me through whatever site you've seen this although Model Mayhem tends to be the best place to reach me so if you do have one do consider contacting me there.

*October*

26th Alt-Error Group Shoot @ Dystopian Studios.  (details found in that very link, hooray... attend and get weird pictures with fun models. Have a great ol' time) ----> http://www.meetup.com/Alt-3rR0r-LA/events/85035012/

27th: Bright Ideas Shoot @ 7:30am

28th: JAW Images Shoot


31st : Hex Hollywood (club event, going to dance my socks off into my brain then ride them back down to my feet again) @ 9pm


**NOVEMBER**

3rd Ghouls' Girls Shoot, Gamer Night

6th Disneyland (if I've saved enough money to go)

11th Saltwater Photography Deadly Nuns Shoot


and so we end here... I must get ready to depart into the big wide world or pass out for an hour... I haven't decided. Naw I'll probably head out, insomnia is a killer for me

XOXO

Britney Siren

since I'm too lazy to go back up and edit... as I was looking to link all the photographers I found a pic from the shoot last week by mr Robert Nelson so enjoy

End Transmission
 

Weekly RoundUP

I went to Bar Sinister over the weekend. I had a pretty decent time though it does get overly crowded after an hour or so and they've been opening later than I remember. (Most clubs tend to open at 10pm on the dot so opening around 11pm is kinda odd but I guess they have their reasons for that) On the way back got to deal with this lady who managed to be nice about my hair but throw gay insults at some random guy and then being obnoxious the rest of the way home. I'm not sure why I was spared as I'm normally the person who gets the shitty looks from people but... I guess smiles fueled by red bull can protect you sometimes.

As many of you know I do web cam as a means to avoid the trappings of hoboism b/c I would make a very terrible homeless person. I have towed the line in this from random couch hopping's and various floors slept upon and I'd rather not do that again. Plus it gives me opportunities to meet new and exciting people! I would like to mention a rule that goes for all sites. Now I'm sure some women may not follow this rule or bend the rules but under no circumstances will I give out personal information to anyone through these sites. Saying how you're not a stalker will indeed make people believe you are a stalker because I personally never greet people with "HI THERE I"M NOT A STALKER PLEASE BE MY FRIEND PLEEEEEEEEEZE!" Insisting on any sort of credit you haven't earned (and even if you have earned it you should never have to plead or constantly prove your position in someones life) is cause for mistrust and discomfort. If closeness is to develop it shall and if not it won't... Damn I'm rambling again. Anyway here's a pic of this weeks "should have asked me before ya went private because I would've told you I don't do that and chances are I did tell you I don't do that....shit"

Enough of that bibble... I have a couple of shoots up and coming. One with Robert Nelson who I've seen work of randomly and I'm not sure why I didn't bother him earlier. Might be that lazy bug that always engulfs me in the morning noon and evening hours called old age.... I'm glad that we are finally connecting. Another Shoot scheduled with Carnero which will hopefully go swimmingly. A bunch of stuff got jumbled around here and there but here's the official run down of my shooting schedule  as of today.

************************************************************************

*October* 

10th Creator of Light Shoot (tentative) @ noon 

12th Carnero Shoot (tentative) 

14th Robert Nelson Shoot (tentative time) 

26th Alt-Error Group Shoot @ Dystopian Studios.  (details found in that very link, hooray... attend and get weird pictures with fun models. Have a great ol' time) ----> http://www.meetup.com/Alt-3rR0r-LA/events/85035012/ 

27th Glass Slipper Studio Group Shoot (contacthttp://www.modelmayhem.com/1387881 for details) or try (http://www.glassslipperstudio.com/ contact info there as well) 

Day of the dead festival @ hollywood forever cemetery (not sure what time this is) 

31st : Hex Hollywood (club event, going to dance my socks off into my brain then ride them back down to my feet again) @ 9pm 


**NOVEMBER** 

3rd Ghouls' Girls Shoot, Gamer Night 

6th Disneyland (if I've saved enough money to go)

*********************************************************************


On days not booked I might Cam on various sites... as of now I'm only active on Cams and Streamate... so do add me on those respective sites if you'd like to get alerts of when I'm online.

Last week I had a shoot with Lance Craig Photography. It was pretty rad. He's a pretty funny guy who gets my off beatness which makes for exchanges of wit and sarcasm and jokes of bacon and bunnies. I had my second shoot EVAR with this guy all those years ago (ok not that many years ago, was like 2008) Ironically my hair was red both times which is funny only because I go through so many colors from month to month that it's kind of rare that anyone shoots my hair in the same color unless we shoot super often. So do enjoy this pic from the shoot with boobies a covered because then it's safe for work and no one kills me with offensive boobies. For not so safe for work and later the un boob covered pic... check out my deviant art or follow me on tumblr.

I guess that's about all folks. I'm going to try to get massive amounts of gaming done on this very day and stare at the impending doom that is my laundry that I haven't done in a month which may grow legs telekinesis abilities should I not widdle it down soon.

X wickety O to the X woot O

Britney Siren

So I made another dancing video out of boredom. For some reason people sort of like these so I guess I can keep making more or release the 50 billion that I have on hard drive that I've been too lame to upload. (lots of video blogs attempting to get over speaking "shyness" which some what worked, sorta...) I guess the problem with some of those is that they're so old that some of my views have changed which makes them invalid and that I'm not mentally built to debate via youtube since people repeat the same thing over and over when you disagree and even if you do agree it can easily become flame war 5000 which I derive 0 pleasure points from none of mine pleasure points.

I'm happy to be done with work early today (after working nearly all day yesterday to some what make my goal)

Going to take it easy and start fresh tomorrow morning...

I'd do a schedule update today I'm feeling semi-lazy and want to  include that in my full round up about the week in repose with more rambling than this post could handle MUAHAHAHA!!

I guess that's about all folks.

If you'd like me to video blog about a particular topic or dance like a weirdo or just wanna say hey feel free to comment or send something via MY YOUTUBE PAGE or wherever I linked this too (I'm a bad spammer... I know)

XOXO

Britney Siren

goth rock a blaring

... whilst the words of random thoughts and mental dumping spurt freely from my fingertips. I'm hoping that most of my neighbors aren't home and I'm not disturbing anyone too much (if so ummm I put up with your bad mariachi music/shitty rap and other music that's too horribly white for myself to process therefore this is karma deals with its)

Since I've not been able to motivate myself to do much in the way of productivity today I figured a general update is in order. Hopefully after this I'll be able to accomplish something.

This week had a shoot with hamayak hakopian... whose name I can only type correctly (or at least I hope it's correct) via copy and paste. I tried several times to do it by memory but my brain isn't so good and adds odd letters that don't belong, similar to the cash register interface in the mc donald's cash registers (so don't be too mad if someone gets your order wrong, if it's wendy's or the movie theatre you can bitch cause they have pictures and actually make sense) The shoot went pretty cool. I saw one picture right away which I'll post with fancy things covering the boobies so that this post can be safe for work and not make the misses or random folks freak out for seeing tata's. I'm very pleased with it and looking forward to seeing more.

I've been gaming a lot for the past couple of weeks. I guess that's cool, I do need to make myself get some work done though. I kind of enjoy not being homeless and such. Some group shoots in the works which should be uber of fun as they normally are.

Had the most epiphany. I don't think people who are born and raised in certain larger cities understand at all what life is like for most of the country. When I was in the south (and even going out to the desert for wasteland weekend) I remember a time when I thought these rural areas were strange but they're pretty normal. Most of what we passed through reminded me of the south. No one outside or people hanging out at the store/mc donald's cause there isn't shit else to do. No side walks or transit to speak of. Folks walking along train tracks, lots of mobile homes and places that look like they survived the cold war.

I will think of these things when I start to feel sorta emo about life. I'm not rich and things can be difficult but they have been worst in the past and I do get to do a lot of things that most people don't have the opportunity to do or the courage so two uh pats for me.

I guess that's all for now... I've had my shower and exercise for the day so I'm feeling a bit more chipper. 

I hope that all is going well for everyone and that you've enjoyed my ramblings.

If you'd like any info about any group shoots I'm attending (as a model or photographer) feel free to comment or if ya got model mayhem the click the fancy link I've made ahead of these fine words

XOXO

Britney Siren

10/4/12 schedule update (tentative)

*October*
5th Lance Craig Photography Shoot 1pm

13th Robert Nelson Shoot

26th Alt-Error Group Shoot @ Dystopian Studios.  (details found in that very link, hooray... attend and get weird pictures with fun models. Have a great ol' time) ----> http://www.meetup.com/Alt-3rR0r-LA/events/85035012/

27th Glass Slipper Studio Group Shoot (contacthttp://www.modelmayhem.com/1387881 for details) or try (http://www.glassslipperstudio.com/ contact info there as well)

Day of the dead festival @ hollywood forever cemetery (not sure what time this is)

28th - 31st  Glass Slipper Studio Group Shoot (contacthttp://www.modelmayhem.com/1387881 for details) or try (http://www.glassslipperstudio.com/ contact info there as well)

**NOVEMBER**

3rd Ghouls' Girls Shoot, Gamer Night

6th Disneyland

things and stuff and things

I'm not feeling too well. I feel like for the past week or two I've been up and down sickness wise. I started to feel better out in the desert but for some reason today things have come to full throat sickle circle. Kind of hard to get most work done when you're voice sounds like you've been smoking cigars since birth/pain. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be feeling better and I can get my shoots done for the week and get onto more pleasurable things.

Wasteland weekend was pretty awesome this year. My first time going. I'm hoping next year I'll have my own car and such and that I can contribute more. That I don't forget my camera in the car and just take crap pictures while driving away/the morning of leaving.

I think I'm going to spend today re-cooperating.

I hope that everyone has had a good weekend... some borderlands will probably cheer me up... I don't think I'll be moving from this spot much.

Lots of words

I know that most people don't keep what you say between you and that person. What I get slightly peeved about is hearing the "I heard" from the other person. I can probably guess who said it but does it really matter? Chances are I've either forgotten what I said or don't care but it's still kind of irritating. What does one accomplish by saying this?

In most cases I'd say I tend to not talk much to most people anyway to avoid this. Is it safe to say that most people who prefer solitude or smaller gatherings of certain people have been hurt in the past.

I do have a huge fear of rejection from those I care about but a greater fear would be getting to know that you actually like someone and finding out that you might not be compatible. Greater than this is finding they are such a great match for you and things are going super well only to have some event put strain... the loss is very great that is often covered up by posturing and angry words to hide the true hurt that has occurred. Sometimes the harsher the words = the more hurt that has happened.

Sometimes I talk the easiest to strangers that I'm fairly sure I'll never see again or who won't remember me because there is nothing to lose. Those I have the most interest in I might not say a word to for a very long time, if at all.

Anyway enough of that.... here's what's been happening to me lately for those wondering. I've still be on streamate but less, been on cams more... still trying to find the right formula. Shooting. Also got an xbox 360 and a pretty spiffy TV. After all this spending I'm feeling kind of broke. Wondering if I should've waited until after this weekends events but I'm sure no matter what time I decided to treat myself to shit I don't need but have wanted for nearly 5 years it wouldn't have been the right time. I rarely treat myself to pleasure items (save a movie ticket or going out dancing but those aren't really items I guess) so I get mixed feelings about their purchase. Even items I need I kinda get freaked out about buying. I know that things tend to sort of balance out but that doesn't stop me from freaking out during slow periods.

Sometimes there isn't enough hours in the day for all my interests and for loved one's. I'm very sorry if I haven't said hello in a while but know that I am thinking of you. I wish I could gather you all in a big room and give you all bacon (for those who eat meat, umm if ya don't whatever is the equivilant in non meaty deliciousness... nicely cooked cabbage? ) and give you all a big lame hug and say how much I care but some are too far away to hug... others are too busy and some I'm sure I'll never get to know enough about to do such.

I'm looking forward to the weekend and all the dancing to be had. I looked at the site map for this weekends event and apparently there are archery ranges. I've never shot a bow and arrow in my life but have always wanted to in some war uh.... (ummm roleplay I guess group cause it's not really re-enactment groups) I really want to watch the fights in the thunder dome-ish area... and I want to dance until my feet fall off.

So all in all I'm still alive and happy. No I'm not rich... chances are you probably make more money than I do. I'm not sure where ppl get this idea that folks who work deal in nudity are rich (I'm sure a few are but most aren't, not in the age of anything can be given for free... no sir-ree)

I think I should remember to update more often... perhaps right a week in review, camming or gaming or whatever shoot happens that week just right a little tid-bit about it?

Maybe these b-12's will leave me energetic enough to not forget and be more consistent... or ya know you can all ask me questions about things I know nothing about and I can give you my uneducated opinion (that's always fun) I had a bunch of topics I was going to video blog about before but that's an entirely different monster all together. (I don't think I have the energy to deal with  ten ppl having the same disagreement w/out reading the comment before it thus causing me to disable comments on the video cause I hate repeating myself.)

Any who here's a couple of random ass pics from a few of the shoots I did recently in case you didn't catch them elsewhere... I'm going to go on and try and be productive now.

^--Photographer: Jonathan Wallace

^Leonard Thompson

^---Pinhook (fetlife)

Many X's and O's

Britney Siren

schedule update as of 9/13/12

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

zivity site up!!

http://www.zivity.com/users/Silenced_Siren

^--- my profile is here

So over the past few days I've been learning a lot of interesting stuff about this site. You can schedule live chats here (remember a billion years ago when I was wondering where I could host a normal chat for you guys... I think here might be a good place to start once I get the hang of the site) They allow self sets as well (I'll have to see if my crappy cam and minimal gimp skills are up to par on that one but I used to enjoy taking pictures of myself with random stories when I was bored so this could be fun too!)

People can get x amount of votes per month which they can use on sets they like. zivity then splits the profit between photographer and model :D

If you have an account there and are in the los angeles area please don't hesitate to add me or talk about shooting or even some advice would be really helpful.

guess that's all for today... I need to take some time to do the mundane snack shopping and perhaps some laundry.... :D

I hope you all have a great weekend

xoxo

Britney Siren

a new video!

Just me (britney siren) dancing around and burning calories. I made this a while ago but just found the courage and lack of laziness to upload it. I do hope you enjoy...

XOXO

Britney Siren <3

A good time to blog

It seems like it's been a while sense I've done a mental dumping. This is a good sign, at least there's very little need to do it but I do enjoy writing wordy diatribes and never got the full college experience of writing long ass papers but at least there's always this :)

A conversation (well a IM exchange, guess that's what conversations are these days) got me to thinking about friendship. Why so many throw the word around like a 2 dollar whore? Why I'm finally content at the state of my social life and have the greatest understanding of folks that I've ever had in my life?

I guess one should start with what friendship is. It may vary to depending on who you're talking to but for me a friend is someone who is akin to family... it's the family that I choose to have in my life. I notice when they're not around and other things in their mood that many people will overlook just because they're smiling. They can cause the greatest joy and the greatest sadness. I get a sense of well being when they're around and in general I'm happier that they're in my life. I'm there for them the best that I can be in hardships and they're the same with me w/out expecting certain things in return. (of course we want something from friendships but not something specific... IE: I got you something for x-mas just so you'd get me something... I do it because the act itself is rewarding so I do get something but not so one has to do or owe me anything). I hold friends in a very high regard.

That said many get very offended if they're deleted from a social network when they don't even talk to you. Take liking a status or picture or something of the sort as actually being active in your life. All this artificial interaction as a big step toward friendship, doing a buttload of work. Now I'm not saying that these things don't aid in keeping one connected to loved ones but you'd still have to share somethings about oneself before expecting someone else to. At the same time if you've betrayed a trust and then expect things to go to being friendship when one has made no effort (saying hey and then asking me to help you with something/fishing for information is not making an effort. These are self serving things. It does not show that you have any worth other than being a leech who is too pathetic to go and find information for yourself... I refuse to be a leech or have respect for leeches)

Why do some folks get offended when you tell them how you really feel about them? I've had a couple of situations where this has come up. These people didn't seem to care until I revealed that I don't care either. Now it's an blasphemy? For some reason being indifferent makes someone want to prove things to you or make some half ass attempt to convince you otherwise when they don't talk to you or only communicate to get something out of you. OBVIOUSLY I wouldn't value you if you've never even made me laugh or tried to cheer me up... If I don't know you beyond your public face, even slightly... then I really can't be bothered to care or have a desire to go further.

I know that might not make sense so let me shed a little more light into that. I mean if I meet some folks in a class. One person I get into a conversation about many things we have in common. Share some laughs and even have lunch together at some point. I start to look forward to seeing this person and learning little nuggets about them w/out really thinking about it too much. Another person has the same class but never talks to me beyond a hello and talks to those who happen to be around me. Sees me do something that they desire to do (IE: hey where'd you get that boo boo kitty fuck necklace? Hey how'd you get that job? BAHHH HAHAHA) Jumping immediately from hello to asking for info or for a favor of some sort. This is not friendship, this is completely self serving. But in some people's minds this is what a friendship is? I can't possibly believe that.

I have many more acquaintances than friends that would have a great impact if they disappeared from my life. Those who have seen me at my worst and know those flaws and do not judge me for them. Acquaintances may keep up the friendly face and use company at events but are good for nothing more than a quick laugh or to quell slight boredom. This is most people... I don't feel a connection and have no desire to feel connections to a vast majority of people.

At this age, I know what I like... what I dislike. I'm very content in my social life. I'm not searching for new friends or even acquaintances. I'm not opposed to it but I am one of those people who values a significant amount of alone time as well.

In closing, (as I'm sure I've bored many heads off) friends are valued and have proven worth with very little effort. It's a very natural bond. Hard to find and take work to keep. Acquaintances shift like the winds. Can be fun to have around sometimes I'd rather not share very much of myself or do anything for them. And those who are at some place bellow that where we literally have know nothing of one another, who don't effect me in anyway and thus I don't care about or have a value placed in them at all. I dont' make an effort to talk to them and they don't do that for me...

So leeches.... if you really aren't leeches there's nothing to prove nor is there anything or anyone to blame. What you are will show in your actions NOT CHEAP WORDS over a period of time. If you really do want a bond of some sort maybe a meeting for coffee is in order... lunch... trip to the park... and don't sit there and talk about your damn self or problems the whole time too! Give a little,take a little.... world keeps turning.