seems like sickness will be my undoing

I usually plan for this by not buying anything but with the holiday's being here and all I had to buy a few things. The Vegas trip screwing up my savings has kinda taken a toll. It seemed that last week was going pretty well though and that it might continue into this week but alas sickness has reared it's fun little head. These days are the worst since I'm a bit of a busy body and hate to be idle for long. This is probably why get sick so often in the first place but it's normally not this bad... a headache here or a sniffle there.

Other than before all this sickness set in I had a lovely rope session over the weekend and some awesome play time. I don't get to do it too often so it was pretty nice. I wonder if I did if it wouldn't be as special?

Had an awesome shoot with DW Kim this past week as well. The full zivity sets should be up soon so if you like them please vote on them if ya have an account. I also have quite a few invites left so if you're interested let me know and I'll get ya an invite. The way zivity works is you get so many votes per month for paying a small fee and you vote on sets you like... that's how the model and photographer are paid which is pretty neat if ya ever wondered about how to pay back a model/photog for an awesome set!

On the other end of the spectrum wheels 2000 magazine dude contacted me out of the blue. Fine I guess since I'd been looking into ways to get published and regardless I'm up for trying any kind of shoot at least once so sure I'll pose with a bike and a wheel and see how I feel about it later. So I get a call with a silent voice message. Then read his MM message to find that it was him and saved the number and said I would call on the date that he specified which would've been today. Instead of waiting he calls a minute or so after I sent that message. I answer (reluctantly). Frankly I don't like having business type calls at night... especially after 8 or 9 which is pretty close to the time that I start getting ready to go to bed or just wind down and contact loved ones for quality time.

I don't remember what he opened with but I just said hey it's kinda late. So he goes into some sort of ridicule of it's not late WOOOOOOOA most people I know aren't up until noon bla bla bal bal bal. A great first impression to make fun of someone you haven't met in less than a minute. I was already feeling joyful about working with this person. Instead of talking about the magazine and setting a date to shoot and details he starts saying I shouldn't have nudes in my port and that I should have a website. I said I'd love to have one but I don't have the skills to build one myself. I'd need to get into some sort of collaboration with someone else in order to build one especially a pay site which is what he was mentioning. He said something about charging 20 a month which seems pretty overpriced considering there's many multi-girl sites that don't charge nearly as much. Why would anyone pay 20 bucks to see one girl in pictures?

So this continued for a good 15 mins of him telling me shit I already knew and thought about/tried and accusations of making excuses for not having said things. I'm more pleased by this person the more oral waste that comes out of his cum receptacle. I state that a site is not a priority for me. I already have the networks I'm on linked. I know I could web cam via my own site BUT building a fucking script and all that not through an existing site is also work... why would I abandon the folks that I've already built up to start over on my own anyway? I already use extra lunch money to make custom videos and clips and ppl can mail me through there. I have an email up for contact. I don't really need to have a site. I also stated that it costs money that I simply don't have. So he goes into wix which I don't want a fucking wix site.... AGAIN MORE SHIT I ALREADY FUCKING KNEW!

After this he finally mentions that he no longer works for the magazine because of personal issues that he can't even get into. Why the fuck would you contact me to shoot for a magazine that you no longer work for? So I'm fuming internally and trying my damnedest not to spout off verbal fecal matter. He mentions a pic where I have on the stripper heels and a bobbed wig in a window... that this is the type of shit he shoots. I'm still unimpressed and wondering wtf his point is. Then he asks what my current hair is like. I state that it's like my current icon picture and that if that's a problem I can either wear a wig or we could shoot in a month or so which is when I was planning on changing my hair... I could just change it to a more subtle color/style.

Instead of going ok cool talk to you then as most photographers do he goes into some OH HELL NAW if you can afford to go to the shop for bla bla bla you can get your hair did. I shoot classy stuff, bla bla bla. He also criticizes another pic that I shot with Pinhook where I'm in the door way with cuffs and a collar because those things are not "classy"

At this point I'm about done being talked to like a half with. I say What is the purpose of this call? What do you want? He goes into a rant about punk rock hair... I'm like ok but these are braids you do realize this and I also said i'm changing my hair in a month so why do you care what my hair is like now? More muttering on about straight hair and being classy and shit... I cut him off with "so the more white washed I look the more classy I am" If I simply straighten my hair with chemicals or glue someone else's hair to my head I'm more classy? He says NAWWWW but pretty much confirms what the hell I said

I pretty much stopped listening half way through... and replay with yep ok whatever until he finally decides to gtfo the phone. I blocked him after the call.

I think I'm more heated about this since he's also african-american. What kind of self hate do you have to try to convince me that the way I choose to look is not ok. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH If I just put a damn weave in I'd be so fucking rich?!!

For a while I had my hair straightened and had fake straight hair too... it doesn't make a fucking difference. The beauty standard is what it is and no matter what I do I will not completely be "it" so why should I try to? Most of that shit is boring to me anyway. On the flip side the alternative beauty standard is set in very specific terms that I also don't adhere to as much as ppl rant and rave that I could totally be a suicide girl or some other fucking site that simply doesn't desire to have me there.

I've accepted that I don't fit in a box. I like my curves... my dark skin, my shifty ass eye that acts retarded when it's strained or looks up at certain angles. My pudge that comes out when I sit down. My big ass thighs. My big fuckin forehead and it's little harry potter scar. My nappy hair, whether straightened or locked in braids.

I don't have any issue with who I am, what I do or what I look like.... if you do then kindly gtfo and take ur issues elsewhere. Your entitled to that opinion just as I'm entitled to thinking nikki minaj looks liek a fake little kim and makes me vomit a little in my soul every time I see her. But would I go to her and say... Hey you need to be like this and that.... NOPE cause she has a right to be whatever fucking way she wants and since she's making money from it I'm sure she doesn't give a good rats ass what I think anyway...

Now I'm gonna get into bed and attempt to rest... 3 more shoots left for the end of the year... Hopefully I'll be well enough by the weekend to make this next one. I really don't want to cancel.

so that's about it....

by DW Kim

Watch out for the full set on zivity coming soon!! Check out my other sets while you're there!