Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Faces of rage

swimming through my proverbial brain space. Normally while at home I'd have a few notes on what to talk about since I get very wordy and go off track as I'm doing right now. Perhaps I should keep this limited to one topic and do one about recent shoots and such when I'm back home and have the will to go through recent pictures.

I'm still in las vegas, alone. I'm not super excited about this. It didn't start out this way. Day 1 I could hardly sleep for all the excitement of traveling by myself (though some what sad because I wish I had a loved one to keep me company while proud of not dying even if it's for such a short distance.) I got up about 4:30am, traveled to the bus station, got on said ghetto bus and hitched that ride amidst the smelly Mexicans and Koreans to make my way here on time. Never got sent this magical map I was promised and when I called to ask for said map I was given this whole "well ya should've got it" OBVIOUSLY IF I HAD IT I WOULDN'T BE CALLING. This didn't entirely phase me but it was kinda irritating that I'm up at 4am and here on time even without all the shit I was promised (including the actual pay for this production).

The first couple of days went in a sort of pattern of friendly conversation, day dreaming off about hugs to keep imaginary warmth since I managed to leave all my warm shit in los angeles cause that's how I roll? I thought I packed a real jacket in all my flailing around the night before to make plans to get here but this was not the case.

I expected to do all the days. The last went by the quickest for me but it wasn't the most pleasant. I'm not sure if ppl think because you're being kind that something is wrong with you but I feel like I can't be nice to ppl. Sure on occasion you meet a few ppl who don't make you want to vomit every time you see them but on most occasions this isn't the case. In all honesty most ppl bore me to death or try to say stupid shit to appeal to my "sista" side.... this is the best way to make me want to silently kick you in the nut sack. I KNOW I'M BLACK BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T HAVE AN ELEMENTARY MASTERY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. Yes I know what rap is, no I don't listen to it often and when I do it's probably shit YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT cause you think EMINEM is hip hop.... you are not a pirate... sit the fuck down.

There was one person in particular who has summed up everything I hate about this city (minus being drunk or having the feeling that if you're not drinking and fucking everyone that something is wrong with you mentally). I tolerated him for as long as I could but it seemed like this person would just keep PUSHING until I would punch him in the face. To avoid said face punching I walked away. What led up to this? The most mind numbing asinine conversation about pot, constant talk about me being high? I haven't smoked or drank since I said I was officially over it... JUST CAUSE I'M HAPPY DOESN"T MEAN I'M ON DRUGS. Perhaps he is only used to ppl acknowledging his presence under the influence of drugs. The very last action that set me the fuck off into seeing red territory which hasn't happened in nearly a year was a very awkward tap to the side of my boob with a prop beer bottle and the words "I knew that's ok cause you wouldn't get violent" I gave the most appalled face and was like WTF. He stayed around muttering more words and picked up my prop drink after I sat it down during one of the breaks and tried to play keep away. At this point I had to get away before punching him as I didn't like that shit as a kid and I'm less keen to it now especially from an invalid who has already had me in a sour mood amidst the coldness. Mind you I have arthritis so my bones are at the point of chill and pain and my hands are numb. I attempted twice to get it and then said "fuck it you carry that shit then" and skipped all the way to the other end of the block.

I didn't talk much to anyone for the rest of the night. Partially too uncomfortable after that weirdness and resisting the urge to outburst as I've done in the past for things much smaller than this. All the weird men on their vag hunt was also starting to get irritating... and all the cracks in much of human socializing was starting to make me more nauseated. The drunks being more visible and yelling more mind boggling stupidity was also wearing my niceness card thin. Wearing the same clothes for days. Pain in much of my body....

On top of this I haven't managed to book any shoots while out here. Most of the folks I contacted never responded further when I gave them my availability or wanted to shoot DIRECTLY after pulling a full overnight shift which I just cannot do.

So I'm done putting effort into it. This is not the holy mecha of creative random ppl wanting to shoot one dressed in plastic wrap and fancy lighting. I was even willing to do a trade shoot with someone who doesn't suck since I don't make it out of my state very often.

Lesson being.... don't be nice to people because they'll be that kind of irritating overgrown man child who pushes things too far that I always seem to attract when I'm in a good mood. Don't try to book shoots last minute cause it just won't happen. Vegas is not a place for someone who wants to be in their normal mind or doesn't want to have sex with a bunch of brain dead people.

Had I been here with a friend I would have someone to make fun of all this dumb shit with w/out muttering a word at all, share a laugh or two and have fun while doing nothing.

So today I plan on actually wearing some fucking make-up, wearing decent clean clothing and wandering the shitty streets with headphones on at full capacity HOPEFULLY ending up somewhere that will leave me with a better taste in my mouth and not getting lost through the aquatic ruin that is this cess pool toilet of a city... america's toilet , I think that is what I will refer to this city as from now on.

I'm not really sure why ppl live here... it seems like every time I leave LA I find more reasons why it's my home and why I love it. Perhaps the same little hidden nooks exist here and I haven't uncovered them.... maybe not but I don't have the youthful naivety or patience to uncover them when I already have what I need at home, even if rent and cost of living is fucking ridiculous there... I'd rather pay more to not want to slit my wrists everyday... If I lived here... I think I would drown myself in a kiddy pool.

Hopefully you have received some sort of amusement from my negative rant. If you live in this state/city and love it that's cool but I don't think this particular area is made for me... then again what area is? With this election thing over I expect more ignorant Negros to have even lamer lines to throw my way that will leave the soul puking from the insides. I don't desire this kind of ego boost and yet here it is. Does the universe work in the way that if you just don't want something so much that it gives it to you in buckets? People making invalid assumptions based on appearance, musical taste or over all awkwardness?

I have all the time to go into all those topics individually but I'm sure you don't want to read for much longer and I'm utterly shocked to have had your attention for this long.

I'd really be happy if I can attend some karaoke and sing cheesy pop songs of the 90's in the poorest fashion possible... maybe I'll do that and then I'll be in a good mood again.

One thing that has to change... white ppl and black ppl who seem to have this issue of treating ppl or emphasizing race all the time for one's discomfort of me not fitting into a box or white guilt or sheer idiocy. I don't care who the president is... if you have to say "what up" to greet me or talk about rap music that I don't even fucking listen to cause you assumed I did cause that's what niggas do right? OH YOU DON'T LISTEN TO THAT SHIT you must be white washed. For your fucking information I grew up in south central, the jungles, Figueroa area and fucking watts.... MAYBE I HAVE A BRAIN AND I'M NOT MERELY A PRODUCT OF MY ENVIRONMENT! Maybe everyone from the "ghetto" isn't fucking precious.... judge a single person as that entity and you'll be viewed as less of a retard more often. The labels we place on folks are often not enough to describe a person past surface value... we aren't limited by race, the music we listen to or even our spiritual (or lack of) beliefs. People can still be valuable even if they dont' fit the mold you have in your head created by Hollywood because you can't step out of your ten blocks and actually meet real ppl. In most cases you are a coward, leave ur preconceived notions up your ass where they belong.

Also Fuck hooters ugly tit-less women... I've only seen a few who were attractive or had some boobs... You hire fat hoes and pregnant bitches but not me. Even when I had the straight fucking white washed hair nope.... so honestly FUCK YOU! Yep racism and covert racism is alive and kicking but I won't let it get me down after this post.... feelings dispersed and I'll go about my life not giving much of a thought to it unless it comes up again (which I'm sure some asshole will put emphasis on some stupid shit at some point )

oh no poor negro playing the race card... maybe I'm just ugly and have no tits so I should stop applying to said places... Yeah that must be it.... bllllasjgoeiahgeohgahegiojeowihgwoiehgoiejwiofjeoijwoigh322220ut0u

oh yeah was doing extra work for some a thing that shall remain nameless cause I signed some shit saying I can't mention the name and I'd like to not get sued cause I have no money anyway.

Everybody in the club gettin' raped.


  1. Replies
    1. I'm pretty sure everyone would benefit from therapy, thanks for your astute observation

    2. also this was just a rant, I'm pretty much fine now especially since I'll be going back home to a much happier place. lol ur reply is so vague and lacks gusto though....

      if I said you need a real s/n at least that's something that doesn't have layers. I need therapy b/c of.... and to go into that would've been a much more entertaining and enlightening conversation rather than me making one with myself b/c I'm wasting time before heading out to my bus :)

      Many ppl need therapy and everyone could benifit from it so what is your reasoning? How can one base one's need for therapy from an exaggerated post/rant as one's feelings are often distorted and blown out of proportion when in a negative mood? I can't speak for everyone but when I rant about something it helps the moving on process... I felt much better after getting this out and thus went on to have a lovely day.

      Therapy is to talk to someone, get things out and see a different perspective. I'm guessing you've never had therapy so you just said this b/c in your professional opinion of me based on one post you've figured out everything there is to know about my mental state and came to this simple conclusion.

      I could go off on tangents forever but I should shower... thanks for helping me waste time...

  2. I hate people too. By the way, I don't think you need therapy.

  3. I've done therapy before, it's actually quite nice but in general since I'm now in a place where I have friends to talk to and I already had pretty good clarity and self awareness... it probably isn't neccessary though it is a career that I'd be highly interested in doing.

    I don't hate people... I just get a bit overly dramatic when I'm venting. Was just having a bad day and ranting on. I'm fine now... back at home with home grown douche bags and loving it. :)

  4. I still hate people. Maybe I need therapy.