Friday, October 26, 2012

And so here we are

It's Friday and the streets are live with the pitter patter of strange hobos and stray dogs and I can't help but feel really good today. The pessimist in me wants to have this dark ominous cloud following me like the cute little blob in the zoloft commercials waiting to rain on my parade that is known as this week but it's been going very well and I'm pretty happy/thankful for that.

I watched that C M Punk Dvd that came out not too long ago. I know some people don't like him but in all honesty I love a good villain. Not only that but how he was portrayed on a personal level a lot of it was very similar to me. I found it very inspirational. If this guy can come from his background and have these things happen to him, work hard and accomplish his dreams whilst stone sober no less why can't I? I could go into all these goals I have but I think the bottom line is I'd like to live a life where I can travel at some point, live off of modeling more than camming (while it can be enjoyable and entertaining much of that has to come from self but I can talk more about that later should I not forget in my jumbled mumbled brain) Learn a plethora of skills and learn tons more about how humans minds and social networks work. I think it fascinates me so much because I don't know that I work entirely the same way and a lot of social norms fly right over my head... I don't derive pleasure from them and it takes effort for me to attempt them or understand them.

Some recent shoots I had scheduled either flat out didn't happen because they thought it was another date or they just booked another shoot w/out telling me which is kind of annoying. I haven't had so much trouble in the paid shoot arena as I have lately. Generally speaking if someone is paying you they tend to keep to shooting that date/are serious about shooting. Not to say that I don't take trade shoots serious although the priority of them depends on a few things. I've been modeling a while and if I feel like I'm going to get shitty pictures from someone or something that isn't on par with things I've shot already I'd just rather not bother. Someone whose fun to shoot with... and well how hungry I happen to be at the moment. I'm not sure if this is just a "my luck" moment but it's sort of disheartening. I do wish I had the skills to make my own Alt/nerd/fetish/all kinds of weird shit I enjoy in one place kind of site but my lack of Internet know how, photography skills and random throw away fuck you money keeps that from happening. I wish there were more female photographers... it's often a very different vibe altogether... one that is less concerned about being beaten over the head and carried over the shoulder to their impending doom.

But I digress... My shoot with Robert Nelson was pretty rad. He's a very nice guy and his wife lady woman person is pretty awesome and funny too. I feel a bit bad for not being able to stay longer and I'm surprised that I got through that whole thing w/out dying as I was having some personal issues that I'm not sure if they were showing on my face or not. I guess that's modeling... pushing through things... which I normally have no problem doing but it was pretty difficult that day. I often felt on the precipice of grade school type tears... the kind of ugly cry face that kindergartners make at nap time. At any rate you shall see those pictures as they get to me...

Model Mayhem itself has been a bit hit or miss... some legit people contacting me and some obvious weirdos with odd names (says the girl with her own odd pseudo name) for dates. Not even just dudes but it feels like every 6 months or so I get some random stripper looking girls asking me out or asking to shoot something and when I ask for more details it's the kind of stuff that I would cringe at if a guy sent it to me. (I do admit it's a bit more flattering having a really hot chick send me skank shit than dudes... though this is of course not the right venue for such things... I'm there to work not fuck people)

Meanwhile on xbox live I find the most covert racism IN THE WORLD! And of course the most blatant racism. I don't like to be thought of with the limits of my skin is this color therefore I can only be x amount of things. Same thing goes for gender arthritis or the occasional brain freeze I suffer from with my memory placing things in the incorrect order cause it likes an orderly kind of mess. Because of these stereotypes I'm not sure if they presume I'm a little boy, a white girl or what but it's kind of interesting hearing people talk as they would if there were no black people around. I'm sure a few mean no harm and are so  burdened by their white guilt that it makes me giggle a bit.... and others say some things out of malice and self hatred which I find far less amusing.

I think if everyone walked with the thought of I represent myself, my own truth, feelings, views and morals... not the sum of my particular races victories or failures. No we can't forget that well b/c we're not allowed to. It's difficult to walk around w/out a chip on one's shoulders when my race is brought up on a in nearly every interaction since I don't fit in to what a typical black girl, gamer, goth, weirdo, cam whore, model or any other stupid label one would throw my way. I think most people have these layers and don't fit neatly into one section... flowing with little parts of rebel and conformist, radical and conservative here and there to make a person who is unique and yet similar to someone some where... as those who are truly unique are often labeled insane and have these crazy eccentric views and end up living in the mountains for having far too much brain activity to live amongst the masses. I'm happy to be smart enough to realize I know absolutely nothing, yet not so smart that I'm utterly miserable all the time. Thanks booze for killing off those extra brain cells and making this possible. (speaking of which I will not be doing drugs of any kind anymore... I know I've probably said this before but it's only putting off important feelings that I need to deal with. I don't enjoy the lack of control or risking myself as I have... I don't mind if you do them and I'll even buy you a drink or two but I just can't deal with it any longer.)

Moving right along... I got asked "why you know model for suicide girls?" to which my only reply can be that I've tried and applied to all these alt girl sites even when I had a fuck ton of face metal and much more wild hair and my mediocre sarcasm arsenal of dry wit and love of hand me down clothing and bad music but alas I'm not the prototype one is looking for. Perhaps to them I'm not good looking or bad looking enough. Maybe I didn't wear the right band tee? But then I can only think of some of that random chick that's on Burning Angel as dark if not darker than me looking like some regular girl I went to high school with and then I recall that it all might be a scam. As far as suicide girls itself... through much much reading of their contract with no end date the exclusivity and having to be voted onto the site with veteran models also being able to enter this contest as a way to obtain lots of free content I must simply decline from using that site. The others I usually get some automated message trying to get me to buy some damn membership saying oh maybe you'll understand what we're looking for (give us your money, you dont' know anyone to get you on the site so bugger off). So I've essentially given up on the alt girl scene... I'm too odd for normal, not fat enough for urban, not odd enough for alt... yet I seem to do well at artistic endeavours, cosplay and I love the shit out of fetish... Though I've been told I smile too much but frankly if you're doing fetish and you don't smile then who ever tied you up fucked up. It should be fun.

Another random comment about Web Camming has lead me to the following thoughts in no particular order. Sticking with it.... For those who don't know I've web cammed off and on for the past 2 years. I would say I've been fairly consistent at least with one site in particular which can have lots of rough spots and slow days... other site's I'm fairly new too or have recently returned to. Now to get to the nitty gritty of why a girl may leave a site in favor of another. Some sites simply have better traffic. Others have a better/more fair percentage or more ways to earn money. Those same "fans" that demand that they've been looking for/miss you stop spending money or even coming into your room because they died or got bored or are broke or found some other pachanga in another room. The economy also sucks so spending money on x site when you only make 5 - 8 bucks or some other shit salary in a few mins is a lot of fucking money. There is a plethora of free porn (which I admit I do watch) and free cam sites where you can see quite a bit w/out paying anything (also guilty of watching) So with all these reasons for not watching/paying for someone "sticking with it" isn't really sound advice. Of course one has to stick with something or be around, that's like saying... keep walking and you'll get to your destination... this is apparent but what about the obstacles along the way.

I'm not an expert on the subject but I will say from my personal experience basic things one would need is good lighting, a decent HD cam which you can get for around 100 bucks or less. Kink had some of the most amazing fucking webcams I ever fucking used/seen and I'm scared to even think of what those cost but if you're starting to make billions of dollars a day the remote controlled kind might be something to invest in. High speed internet is also and do stream with sound. Some other not so obvious things would be to look at both the top girls on a site and the not so top girls to get an idea of what the site is actually like. I'm not saying to mimic these people but you should know what the hell you're in for. A site like myfreecams differs greatly from streamate which is different than kink... some favor the free chat (doing shows for tips and everyone seeing the show) Others favor teasing and talking in public to get everyone to pay for a show or a private show and others have a bit of a combination of both. Some let you show things in public, others do not.

Personally I don't like the free chat format. I feel that if you didn't pay to see me you shouldn't see me... also the free people tend to be the most demanding and rude for some god awful reason. Perhaps most of them are trolls which I guess is another thing. If you're black like me expect to get a lot of guys with some sort of fetish for black women... some of it flattering and some not so much. Do have an open mind as you'll get everything from someone just wanting to talk to you to ppl talking about incest and animal rape so to which you can't do a face of disgust.

Treat people with respect and demand it for yourself and if they can't kick their ass the fuck out. Keep it light keep it fun and friendly. How one does that and develops their personality on there is up to them and tends to take a bit of time. Smiling helps, talking helps... if you're dark and wear bright colors people tend to like that as it stands out more. Greet those who enter your room so they know you're not a damn video.

DO NOT GO ON AT ALL IF YOU FEEL LIKE UTTER SHIT b/c most likely you will be bitchy and not welcoming and people will not come into your room.

That's really all I can think of right now I guess. I think every person finds what works for them or for the particular customers they get... so that's my unorganized opinion and shit

A note to those who would be customers... a girl who might be having a bad day isn't necessarily a bitch just b/c she is having a bad day. Note that many of these sites by standard only offer 30% of what you give them... some offer even less than that I've found (another reason why girls charge high prices or leave a site because they can't make enough money with such low percentages) with really high minimums to get a check. I'm sure this is done so that the company can keep all the damn money and not have to pay bitches. I was really shocked to see percentages as low as 15% in some places which is retarded as fuck.

And so here's my latest schedule update. Things are subject to change but this is what it is right here and right now! If you'd like to book a shoot feel free to contact me through whatever site you've seen this although Model Mayhem tends to be the best place to reach me so if you do have one do consider contacting me there.


26th Alt-Error Group Shoot @ Dystopian Studios.  (details found in that very link, hooray... attend and get weird pictures with fun models. Have a great ol' time) ---->

27th: Bright Ideas Shoot @ 7:30am

28th: JAW Images Shoot

31st : Hex Hollywood (club event, going to dance my socks off into my brain then ride them back down to my feet again) @ 9pm


3rd Ghouls' Girls Shoot, Gamer Night

6th Disneyland (if I've saved enough money to go)

11th Saltwater Photography Deadly Nuns Shoot

and so we end here... I must get ready to depart into the big wide world or pass out for an hour... I haven't decided. Naw I'll probably head out, insomnia is a killer for me


Britney Siren

since I'm too lazy to go back up and edit... as I was looking to link all the photographers I found a pic from the shoot last week by mr Robert Nelson so enjoy

End Transmission


  1. How was kink to work for? I read that some models were unhappy. You always seemed happy the times I saw you there.


    1. I was happy w/ the customers and such but there were other things behind the scenes that I didn't like. The site often crashed when I was online and no one would inform me so I'd be sitting around talking to myself for long periods of time.

      I could list a bunch of things but I will say they treated us as employees yet hide behind the lack of accountability of being an independant contractor. I didn't feel very important, a few issues with staff itself either being lazy or creepy.

      Now I think we would have to schedule ourselves through some program and then show up at a certain time :/

      The only way I'm going to travel somewhere on the bus is if someone is paying me or for an experience that's awesome or where I feel appreciated or have potential to make more than I do at home

      It's not worth me traveling 3 hrs to potentially make nothing and have the site crash while someone is sitting downstairs doing nothing and can't walk up there to tell me that it's offline so I can at least take a break.

      Do we get extra time when this happens? Nope... so there's lots of potential for wasted time and asking what can one do to increase earning potential falls on condescending ears or things that I already do.

      I would be more than happy to be on there provided they make an at home format as I do miss getting my kinky side endulged but I would need to set my own hours whenever I fucking want, not weeks in advance.

      When there is so much freedom to camming at home camming under time restrictions is also very unappealing to me.

      In a sense I feel that I've already said too much and perhaps there will be some sort of backlash for this but it is my blog so I'm guessing I can speak freely here. In a sense I haven't been online there in many months so it's not like they can "fire" me but still...

      I do miss some of the regulars who made me laugh and using such a nice cam/mic and roleplaying, spanking, excercise challenges,...

      There's something special about the site which is why I'm sad that things didn't work out... it would've been a year come this november of me working for them

    2. I would have preffered that they reduced base pay a little or extended the hours of our shifts rather than doing away with it all together