A Not so Legendary Unicorn: Lots of words

I know that most people don't keep what you say between you and that person. What I get slightly peeved about is hearing the "I heard" from the other person. I can probably guess who said it but does it really matter? Chances are I've either forgotten what I said or don't care but it's still kind of irritating. What does one accomplish by saying this?

In most cases I'd say I tend to not talk much to most people anyway to avoid this. Is it safe to say that most people who prefer solitude or smaller gatherings of certain people have been hurt in the past.

I do have a huge fear of rejection from those I care about but a greater fear would be getting to know that you actually like someone and finding out that you might not be compatible. Greater than this is finding they are such a great match for you and things are going super well only to have some event put strain... the loss is very great that is often covered up by posturing and angry words to hide the true hurt that has occurred. Sometimes the harsher the words = the more hurt that has happened.

Sometimes I talk the easiest to strangers that I'm fairly sure I'll never see again or who won't remember me because there is nothing to lose. Those I have the most interest in I might not say a word to for a very long time, if at all.

Anyway enough of that.... here's what's been happening to me lately for those wondering. I've still be on streamate but less, been on cams more... still trying to find the right formula. Shooting. Also got an xbox 360 and a pretty spiffy TV. After all this spending I'm feeling kind of broke. Wondering if I should've waited until after this weekends events but I'm sure no matter what time I decided to treat myself to shit I don't need but have wanted for nearly 5 years it wouldn't have been the right time. I rarely treat myself to pleasure items (save a movie ticket or going out dancing but those aren't really items I guess) so I get mixed feelings about their purchase. Even items I need I kinda get freaked out about buying. I know that things tend to sort of balance out but that doesn't stop me from freaking out during slow periods.

Sometimes there isn't enough hours in the day for all my interests and for loved one's. I'm very sorry if I haven't said hello in a while but know that I am thinking of you. I wish I could gather you all in a big room and give you all bacon (for those who eat meat, umm if ya don't whatever is the equivilant in non meaty deliciousness... nicely cooked cabbage? ) and give you all a big lame hug and say how much I care but some are too far away to hug... others are too busy and some I'm sure I'll never get to know enough about to do such.

I'm looking forward to the weekend and all the dancing to be had. I looked at the site map for this weekends event and apparently there are archery ranges. I've never shot a bow and arrow in my life but have always wanted to in some war uh.... (ummm roleplay I guess group cause it's not really re-enactment groups) I really want to watch the fights in the thunder dome-ish area... and I want to dance until my feet fall off.

So all in all I'm still alive and happy. No I'm not rich... chances are you probably make more money than I do. I'm not sure where ppl get this idea that folks who work deal in nudity are rich (I'm sure a few are but most aren't, not in the age of anything can be given for free... no sir-ree)

I think I should remember to update more often... perhaps right a week in review, camming or gaming or whatever shoot happens that week just right a little tid-bit about it?

Maybe these b-12's will leave me energetic enough to not forget and be more consistent... or ya know you can all ask me questions about things I know nothing about and I can give you my uneducated opinion (that's always fun) I had a bunch of topics I was going to video blog about before but that's an entirely different monster all together. (I don't think I have the energy to deal with ten ppl having the same disagreement w/out reading the comment before it thus causing me to disable comments on the video cause I hate repeating myself.)

Any who here's a couple of random ass pics from a few of the shoots I did recently in case you didn't catch them elsewhere... I'm going to go on and try and be productive now.