roller derby... (that counts right??)
streamate, flirt4free, cam girl, model, gogo dancer and all around nerdy nerd nerdette. Adventures and random thoughts there in w/ shiney new pictures too!! (formally on kinklive until further notice)
Sunday, March 20, 2011
You are so gorgeous. How would it make you feel if I masturbated to your photos?
thanks... uh good for you hahaha :P
That Time of the Year Again
I feel uninspired/enthused. I'm a bit tired of the hustle. All I'd really like right now (even though I know ultimately I'll end up bored w/ this as well) is a normal day job. The uncertainty of income at the moment... and well for years now. I just don't want to deal w/ it anymore. I want to know that every Friday or every other week I'll be getting a set amount of something in my pocket. I don't care if it's minimum wage. Just so exhausted/full of money worries dealing with things in this way.
Had a meeting w/ a big time photog the other day that I'm fairly sure I didn't make the greatest impression on. Interviews make me nervous. Very few people have that ability to make me not on edge to begin w/ let alone someone totally new who could hire me for something.
"Every thing counts in large amounts, it's a competitive world" Oh Depeche Mode... you always have the words for every emotional roller coaster.
And then there's the failure of folks on the friendship meters it's my failure to choose better fitting relationships to pursue. Why this is, Why I attract the people that I do I don't know. My vibe is awkward. I know this. I expect impossible things and often return to this place where I don't want to be bothered. "If you leave you'll just find the same issues w/ new faces..." true, I wonder what it is that I'm missing.
Misunderstandings that for all intensive purposes I don't have the energy to deal with nor do I see a point in it anyway. I feel like being completely self involved... stepping inside myself and staying there a while.
I'm more comfortable telling secrets to mere strangers w/ candy than any alleged friend. I wonder if this is a big issue... I wonder if this is a normal step toward being a more complete adult... the self discovery process, and how long will this last.
That's enough for now
you can find more of iricolor's work here
End Transmission
Had a meeting w/ a big time photog the other day that I'm fairly sure I didn't make the greatest impression on. Interviews make me nervous. Very few people have that ability to make me not on edge to begin w/ let alone someone totally new who could hire me for something.
"Every thing counts in large amounts, it's a competitive world" Oh Depeche Mode... you always have the words for every emotional roller coaster.
And then there's the failure of folks on the friendship meters it's my failure to choose better fitting relationships to pursue. Why this is, Why I attract the people that I do I don't know. My vibe is awkward. I know this. I expect impossible things and often return to this place where I don't want to be bothered. "If you leave you'll just find the same issues w/ new faces..." true, I wonder what it is that I'm missing.
Misunderstandings that for all intensive purposes I don't have the energy to deal with nor do I see a point in it anyway. I feel like being completely self involved... stepping inside myself and staying there a while.
I'm more comfortable telling secrets to mere strangers w/ candy than any alleged friend. I wonder if this is a big issue... I wonder if this is a normal step toward being a more complete adult... the self discovery process, and how long will this last.
That's enough for now
you can find more of iricolor's work here
End Transmission
Friday, March 18, 2011
Expelling thoughts on this ffffffine Friday
I've come to realize even those who one may put on a pedestal for a time leads a relatively normal, average boring life. This is one reason why I don't do this anymore. Why I don't feel anyone is particularly out of reach. We're all human, flawed, even the most beautiful of people have very real things/battles going on w/ them...
It can be ugly when flaws are ignored well by oneself... but those who openly share them I admire. I feel a bit of a kinship... perhaps I'm not the biggest weirdo in town.
Much can also be said for first impressions, second, thirds and so forth. The dynamic of relationships shifting and changing depending on what directions the individuals are growing in.
There are those hanger ons, those by standers, watchers... all playing their respective part, actively in one's life and not so active effecting the world around them. I get lost in those kinds of odd thoughts sometimes.
There's a misunderstood glance, words... hate arising w/out ever sharing words or meeting face to face distracting one from their own flaws. This seems to be the preferred method.
Older age bringing a bit more understanding but far less tolerance for things unwanted.
Finding new passions, leaving old one's... meeting new people . Not worrying about this or that... living day to day.
Reaching hands forward to those who would have them, pulling hands in from those who would harm them.
I've yet to find all the answers and I probably never will. I'll probably be making mistakes well into old age but that's ok as long as I have the ability to own up to them and try not to repeat them. To approach first w/ love and not get consumed by negative feelings (this is all too easy to do).
I miss my family sometimes... I miss the good side of bad people... but I do know that we're not all meant to mesh well and that's okay. Life would be boring if we were all the same right?
Alright back to my game of dance central (god I must look awful). I wish you all a wonderful and safe weekend.(shit when was the last time I ate something, god I should have an apple)
End Transmission
It can be ugly when flaws are ignored well by oneself... but those who openly share them I admire. I feel a bit of a kinship... perhaps I'm not the biggest weirdo in town.
Much can also be said for first impressions, second, thirds and so forth. The dynamic of relationships shifting and changing depending on what directions the individuals are growing in.
There are those hanger ons, those by standers, watchers... all playing their respective part, actively in one's life and not so active effecting the world around them. I get lost in those kinds of odd thoughts sometimes.
There's a misunderstood glance, words... hate arising w/out ever sharing words or meeting face to face distracting one from their own flaws. This seems to be the preferred method.
Older age bringing a bit more understanding but far less tolerance for things unwanted.
Finding new passions, leaving old one's... meeting new people . Not worrying about this or that... living day to day.
Reaching hands forward to those who would have them, pulling hands in from those who would harm them.
I've yet to find all the answers and I probably never will. I'll probably be making mistakes well into old age but that's ok as long as I have the ability to own up to them and try not to repeat them. To approach first w/ love and not get consumed by negative feelings (this is all too easy to do).
I miss my family sometimes... I miss the good side of bad people... but I do know that we're not all meant to mesh well and that's okay. Life would be boring if we were all the same right?
Alright back to my game of dance central (god I must look awful). I wish you all a wonderful and safe weekend.(shit when was the last time I ate something, god I should have an apple)
End Transmission
Would you ever parachute out of an airplane?
OH GOD NO!! I'm terribly afraid of heights! You should see me waiting for space mountain to begin and that's not even a scary ride... lol
Thursday, March 17, 2011
If you could own any kind of pet, what would it be?
I just want a dog, I love them so much. any kind will do as long as they're energy level isn't terribly high, they're loveable and not aggressive
What was the most interesting place you've traveled to?
Haven't really gone anywhere interesting... went up in the mountains in the valley, pretty there, saw some dear and shit lol
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Appreciates hand made things
I'm quite shocked that someone made this, and so well too... *blush* My tummy has been a bit upset all day but this makes it a bit better :)
Other than that the day has gone buy really quickly. I can't believe it's so late. I wanted to give the room a super cleaning today. Practice dancing badly to get the endorphins going and maybe making a video on one of the topics suggested to me but... it feels awkward talking to yourself/ having folks walk in on you talking to yourself lol
I may still get dressed up for shits and giggles... who needs a club, I can have fun all by myself (closes the blinds tight... don't look at meeeeeeee hehe)
End Transmission
Have you cried during a movie?
I've cried during quite a few movies that I shouldn't have... The Iron Giant always makes me cry. A league of their own, John Q, Toy Story 3 damn near made me cry at least 3 times. Despicable me made me tear up during the father daughter moments. OH GOD 7 Pounds... I cried so hard!! Watched Milk after ward and was like wow that's fucked up but no tears, guess 7 pounds took all the available tears away lol. I'm becoming a sap in my old age. Ironically Titanic made me laugh, I was about 14 when I saw it so perhaps age had lots to do w/ it. (this is becoming a blog)
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
To write or not to type that is the question
I've had plenty of thoughts for unloading but not as much desire to write them down. I've certainly got a long history of either folks getting highly offended over said writings... simply being ridiculed.
Kinda disheartening since I really do enjoy writing ever so much. Perhaps if I was better at it I could get a job making captions and tag lines for pictures lol.
So the real calamity on my mind has nothing to do w/ stalkers, past offences or anything of the like. My better gut feelings says to keep it myself/ write that person directly and hope for absolutely nothing.
When I consider (or am considering) someone a friend (for friendship), even if they piss me the fuck off and I end up talking mad shit (only those who have the ability to provide love and good feelings have the power to critically wound as they tend to know what soft spots to strike/their opinion and feelings actually matter to me) I do eventually get over it and put my all into them again.
I've been for a while not willing to put a terrible amount of energy into anyone/on a personal self bettering journey. Not sure how well I'm doing but I know I have to at least been attempting to deal w/ certain demons before really bringing others in. Recently I feel like I've gotten to a point to half way get back into talking to folks. Now I'm not entirely sure what I feel. A bit hurt but not surprised. (I apologize for being vague in fact I shouldn't stay on this subject any longer)
I also spent like an hour sitting around thinking of what to make a video of. I figured I should do one since I usually don't look that nice. It didn't happen. If you guys had any suggestions for things you'd like to hear me talk about, not talk about, let me know. I've got a wide range of interests (and yet for that hour I couldn't pull from any of those). I think it's cause I worry too much about sounding like a buffoon or that I'll jumble up my words and say ummmmm a lot lol.
I guess that's about it. I will hopefully get that dancing fancy video done soon...(shit keeps coming up to make that not happen, at least I got to have much needed relaxing girl days though) Desert shoot slated for sometime at the end of the month.
(photo by Haley Rose)
End Transmission
Kinda disheartening since I really do enjoy writing ever so much. Perhaps if I was better at it I could get a job making captions and tag lines for pictures lol.
So the real calamity on my mind has nothing to do w/ stalkers, past offences or anything of the like. My better gut feelings says to keep it myself/ write that person directly and hope for absolutely nothing.
When I consider (or am considering) someone a friend (for friendship), even if they piss me the fuck off and I end up talking mad shit (only those who have the ability to provide love and good feelings have the power to critically wound as they tend to know what soft spots to strike/their opinion and feelings actually matter to me) I do eventually get over it and put my all into them again.
I've been for a while not willing to put a terrible amount of energy into anyone/on a personal self bettering journey. Not sure how well I'm doing but I know I have to at least been attempting to deal w/ certain demons before really bringing others in. Recently I feel like I've gotten to a point to half way get back into talking to folks. Now I'm not entirely sure what I feel. A bit hurt but not surprised. (I apologize for being vague in fact I shouldn't stay on this subject any longer)
I also spent like an hour sitting around thinking of what to make a video of. I figured I should do one since I usually don't look that nice. It didn't happen. If you guys had any suggestions for things you'd like to hear me talk about, not talk about, let me know. I've got a wide range of interests (and yet for that hour I couldn't pull from any of those). I think it's cause I worry too much about sounding like a buffoon or that I'll jumble up my words and say ummmmm a lot lol.
I guess that's about it. I will hopefully get that dancing fancy video done soon...(shit keeps coming up to make that not happen, at least I got to have much needed relaxing girl days though) Desert shoot slated for sometime at the end of the month.
End Transmission
Saturday, March 12, 2011
un-random happenings in life lately (update)
**Been attempting a fancy dancy video for a week now I think and all attempts have been thwarted in a way BUT I did get to see the rocket ship up close and slide down it's glorious splendor. You can see the entire city from it's peak. I wish I owned a rocket ship of my very own
**Shoot tomorrow then possible dance night. I'm not sure if I'll be up to it though... as of now my stomach is a bit off (though this is probably due to the fact that I haven't had my daily dose of shitty ham---berrrr-gur just yet. I'll probably be bored later and want to do something spur of the moment.
**Accessing life choices thus far... both the insignificant and the major. Wondering what direction I want to head in next.
Guess that's about all I can muster at this moment, Hungry....
(for those wondering about possible supporting my work go here. I'm an affiliate of the red chair now and clicking the banner at the top of the page and joining the site supports me and could possibly lead to future shoots... not entirely sure of what's in store next... but just thought I'd let that out. Hope you all are enjoying your respective weekends)
**Shoot tomorrow then possible dance night. I'm not sure if I'll be up to it though... as of now my stomach is a bit off (though this is probably due to the fact that I haven't had my daily dose of shitty ham---berrrr-gur just yet. I'll probably be bored later and want to do something spur of the moment.
**Accessing life choices thus far... both the insignificant and the major. Wondering what direction I want to head in next.
Guess that's about all I can muster at this moment, Hungry....
(for those wondering about possible supporting my work go here. I'm an affiliate of the red chair now and clicking the banner at the top of the page and joining the site supports me and could possibly lead to future shoots... not entirely sure of what's in store next... but just thought I'd let that out. Hope you all are enjoying your respective weekends)
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Red Chair Myspace Interview
For those of you who care to see it. I personally can't watch things w/ me speaking (my voice always sounds off haha guess I shouldn't be a singer then hmmm)
click here for the video
redchair.net for the entire set
Every click supports starving naked masturbating women in uh American, we're the hungriest of all
End Transmission
click here for the video
redchair.net for the entire set
Every click supports starving naked masturbating women in uh American, we're the hungriest of all
End Transmission
Monday, March 7, 2011
Friday's GOGO Auditions
So I made the team!! (for those of you who don't know) I've gone to many gogo auditions and none so far have gone well. I always ask what I can improve on. Generally don't get anything feedback that I can use. Was it me? Do I suck that bad (cause from what I've seen it's not that big of a technical art)? Could it have been my crazy ass hair? Just too damn black and strange looking?
SOOOOOOO I went into this thing Friday at Arena thinking "at least I get a free club night" w/ little to no expectation. I must say the club itself was really huge. The crowd was a good one, very nice people... well behaved and not rude or dramatic. Even the black men were nice (oh there goes my negative views... they were actually very funny and polite.) I felt very comfortable. Like I was just hanging w/ a bunch of smiling happy people.
I admit that as far as mainstream music I'm behind the times. I'll most likely have to listen to more types of electronic/hip hop/rap/pop/mainstream varieties in order to be more used to dancing to it... not taken off guard by it. I made one station on pandora so I don't have to go through the hassle of trying to download everything. Generally I prefer to dance to industrial, even electro and house aren't too bad... hip hop/rap can be a bit slow and boring to dance to. I made a dub step station and I'm gonna look up some vids on how others dance to it to get a better idea of how you're supposed to move to it (plus I like learning new crap)
Guess I'll also need to up my collection of shiney things and glitter and smell good body sprays :D
The thing I'm most looking forward to is making new friends. I had a good time talking w/ most of the girls there. All very bubbly spunky fun loving. One was especially adorable bouncing around everywhere :D
Think we're having a meeting sometime at the end of the month where all the girls are going to meet and such. Should be interesting. Hopefully by then I'll improved a bit stamina wise. (jeez I'll also have to start eating differently. Thinking of cutting out most of the meat from my diet.)
Guess that's all that's going on around these parts... (I tried to search for pics/vids but couldn't find any... if I do I'll be sure to post them up)
(That's not what I wore but I did wear it like two years ago... whatever it's relevant... sorry I don't have a cam anymore I couldn't take any good pictures of anyone )
End Transmission
SOOOOOOO I went into this thing Friday at Arena thinking "at least I get a free club night" w/ little to no expectation. I must say the club itself was really huge. The crowd was a good one, very nice people... well behaved and not rude or dramatic. Even the black men were nice (oh there goes my negative views... they were actually very funny and polite.) I felt very comfortable. Like I was just hanging w/ a bunch of smiling happy people.
I admit that as far as mainstream music I'm behind the times. I'll most likely have to listen to more types of electronic/hip hop/rap/pop/mainstream varieties in order to be more used to dancing to it... not taken off guard by it. I made one station on pandora so I don't have to go through the hassle of trying to download everything. Generally I prefer to dance to industrial, even electro and house aren't too bad... hip hop/rap can be a bit slow and boring to dance to. I made a dub step station and I'm gonna look up some vids on how others dance to it to get a better idea of how you're supposed to move to it (plus I like learning new crap)
Guess I'll also need to up my collection of shiney things and glitter and smell good body sprays :D
The thing I'm most looking forward to is making new friends. I had a good time talking w/ most of the girls there. All very bubbly spunky fun loving. One was especially adorable bouncing around everywhere :D
Think we're having a meeting sometime at the end of the month where all the girls are going to meet and such. Should be interesting. Hopefully by then I'll improved a bit stamina wise. (jeez I'll also have to start eating differently. Thinking of cutting out most of the meat from my diet.)
Guess that's all that's going on around these parts... (I tried to search for pics/vids but couldn't find any... if I do I'll be sure to post them up)
(That's not what I wore but I did wear it like two years ago... whatever it's relevant... sorry I don't have a cam anymore I couldn't take any good pictures of anyone )
End Transmission
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Robert Neil Shoot
Went very well yesterday… it was paid so I’m guessing I NO NO get NO pics from it but at least I have monies to buy a cute gogo (underwear bikini fishnetty goodness) outfit for tomorrows cluster fuck of a gogo audition. I only say this b/c I’ve been getting updates on it via text for the past week or so in an unorganized fashion.
***JAW Shoot Tomorrow (Me dancing badly)
***GOGO Audition @ Arena Nightclub in Hollywood (santa monica blvd) Not counting on getting it but I do enjoy dancing and dressing up and the prospect of free night club entry is all too juicy of a deal for me :)
***Try to find someone to watch Wrestlemania 27 w/
^---copied from tumblr
What else is going on in my life? The day job front is an endless, ummm not really going anywhere battle for now. Many days have become routine. This is what I've wanted for years... a routine of some sort. Pretty calm for the past month or so. Still sober... happy, dorkette like and change hasn't thrown me into open flame. Learning to be whole alone is a good lesson. Learning to integrate well w/ others is a lesson I'll be attempting to learn everyday. I'd like to feel as though every day, every realization gets me an inch closer... but we'll see.
Ummmm my birthing day is in 2 months. I still want to take a trip to vegas and party it up. I'm still unsure of what to do while I'm there. The fact that I haven't been drinking (while this is a great thing) has kinda left me awestruck as to how the whole "partying " thing is gonna work. For a long time I wanted to take advantage of the fact that there's no open container law there. Hmmm I'd say weed but I don't really enjoy smoking/ that's more of a mellow kick back thing anyway. Fuck it I'll just hop myself up on lots of candy so I can stay up late. lol
Aside from that there's still Star Trek things for me to explore and of course I will NEED to play House of the Dead 4 Special again. Such a wonderful godly piece of arcade heaven that I would gladly sacrifice eating and sleeping space to have.
more work by necrohound can be found here
***JAW Shoot Tomorrow (Me dancing badly)
***GOGO Audition @ Arena Nightclub in Hollywood (santa monica blvd) Not counting on getting it but I do enjoy dancing and dressing up and the prospect of free night club entry is all too juicy of a deal for me :)
***Try to find someone to watch Wrestlemania 27 w/
^---copied from tumblr
What else is going on in my life? The day job front is an endless, ummm not really going anywhere battle for now. Many days have become routine. This is what I've wanted for years... a routine of some sort. Pretty calm for the past month or so. Still sober... happy, dorkette like and change hasn't thrown me into open flame. Learning to be whole alone is a good lesson. Learning to integrate well w/ others is a lesson I'll be attempting to learn everyday. I'd like to feel as though every day, every realization gets me an inch closer... but we'll see.
Ummmm my birthing day is in 2 months. I still want to take a trip to vegas and party it up. I'm still unsure of what to do while I'm there. The fact that I haven't been drinking (while this is a great thing) has kinda left me awestruck as to how the whole "partying " thing is gonna work. For a long time I wanted to take advantage of the fact that there's no open container law there. Hmmm I'd say weed but I don't really enjoy smoking/ that's more of a mellow kick back thing anyway. Fuck it I'll just hop myself up on lots of candy so I can stay up late. lol
Aside from that there's still Star Trek things for me to explore and of course I will NEED to play House of the Dead 4 Special again. Such a wonderful godly piece of arcade heaven that I would gladly sacrifice eating and sleeping space to have.
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