*sigh* so I was looking at a photo from a while back... in fact I'm sure I have another from that period in time when I was doing it. Oh gasp bla bla blobbity you should yadda yadda. Before we all get on our high horses and shit like Tyra and talk about things we have no clue on how to half way fathom (IE: I've heard from a few mixed race friends their confusion stages b/c of it... it's not something I'll understand. Hell to me they're black but it's really not that simple... and it's not right for me to define it or say they should feel a certain way. All one can hope is that they get to a place where they're no longer confused and are happy. Isn't that what we want for our friends...?)
Anyway back to skin bleaching. I spent about a good 2 months obsessed with the topic. For a while I used to hella lighten my pictures online because I didn't feel they were pretty if it was in my natural shade or some how better lighter I guess. I'm sure this could've come from a lot of things. I would get the most back handed compliments that always made me feel second rate. Saying you're pretty for a dark girl isn't really pleasing to hear.
Before that I had that whole wandering eye business that still pops up every so often. I'm aware of it but it doesn't bother me like it used to (guess since it's hardly ever an issue and sometimes it looks cool in pictures being all crooked lol)
In most cases though I was the friendly, silly class clown of sorts until well other madness later on in life that I don't think I want to get into.
I thought since I wanted to do alternative modeling/fetish that it'd help being a bit lighter. Maybe more opportunities would open up? That there is def a divide and I'm tired of having to try twice as hard as my lighter counter parts to get the same shit.
The actual process was pretty irritating. (which is probably why I only did it for a month and decided to quit) Made my skin peel and always felt so dry. Now my skin has always been extremely soft and smooth and clear but this stuff was really fucking it over. I got a chemical burn in my eyebrows because I decided to bleach that day after getting my eyebrows waxed (and well one should know never to put chemicals on broken skin but I wasn't really thinking)
I was pretty depressed about things at that time. And looking back at it all now... I think this is the first time in a LONG time where I've been happy on a regular basis. Minor irritations here and there but I haven't given up b/c of a slight set back.
I eventually through modeling, and well browsing a shit load of pictures... working w/ various photogs etc. found an appreciation of who I am, my look, the fact that I don't quite fit in perfectly anywhere. I just became ok and fond of myself at some point. I'm not 100% sure when that happened. How even... perhaps it's when you're so focused on yourself and you keep winning these mini battles that confidence starts to emerge until the point to where you actively search out difficult things you never would've dreamed of attempting.
Ya know now that I think of it, probably had even less to do with life being easier. I think it was more to do with issues with my mother, hatred, self hatred and feeling to blame for her not being around... and the fact that seeing pictures of her when she was younger... we fucking look so much alike and I wanted to be nothing like that probably fueled this more than I realized at that time. I think that's my root.
I don't hate her anymore and just about everyone I had issue with, family wise and otherwise I'm not really angry with. I think a lesson can be learned from every interaction and just b/c someone didn't turn out the way I wanted them to be is no need to be upset about it forever. Just keep moving forward.
If there are any of you out there who are doing this I don't judge you for it. If it'll truly make you happy then go for it. Hell putting silly colors in my hair makes me happy. Do I need to? NOPE but I enjoy it. If it's because you think it'll make life easier or some how that in and of itself will make you more attractive to more people that's not entirely true. You can look any kind of way but if the confidence doesn't come from w/in... people will see through it. I guess I think it's best to find out why you're really doing it... and deal with those issues head on. It's not easy to get to the real root of an insecurity tree but it is well worth the work.
In the past few months I've exposed myself socially a bit. Done things alone and been so comfortable in doing them that sometimes I feel a little strange when someone else is around. I feel more confident having conversations with people. I no longer get people anxiety in groups that I'm not familiar with. I'm curious to see how much I can and will grow in the future. Made my first major purchase of this spiffy ass lap top that FUCKIN' MADE ME ORGASM FROM BEING ABLE TO FINALLY PLAY MARK OF THE WOLVES FULL FUCKING SCREEN WITH NO LAG!!!!!!
We can all change from the moment we want to take the hard road and fucking do it. Sometimes we lose friends, family.. . but those who matter and love you will always be there when you love yourself. Cause you can't love others if you can't do that right? Fucking sounds like a halmark bullshit card and I have no tips on how to do it... I really wish I did but it's true...
I feel so chipper!!
I do hope that this has made some sense... I started to ramble a bit.
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