Sunday, August 7, 2011

skin bleaching

*sigh* so I was looking at a photo from a while back... in fact I'm sure I have another from that period in time when I was doing it. Oh gasp bla bla blobbity you should yadda yadda. Before we all get on our high horses and shit like Tyra and talk about things we have no clue on how to half way fathom (IE: I've heard from a few mixed race friends their confusion stages b/c of it... it's not something I'll understand. Hell to me they're black but it's really not that simple... and it's not right for me to define it or say they should feel a certain way. All one can hope is that they get to a place where they're no longer confused and are happy. Isn't that what we want for our friends...?)

Anyway back to skin bleaching. I spent about a good 2 months obsessed with the topic. For a while I used to hella lighten my pictures online because I didn't feel they were pretty if it was in my natural shade or some how better lighter I guess. I'm sure this could've come from a lot of things. I would get the most back handed compliments that always made me feel second rate. Saying you're pretty for a dark girl isn't really pleasing to hear.

Before that I had that whole wandering eye business that still pops up every so often. I'm aware of it but it doesn't bother me like it used to (guess since it's hardly ever an issue and sometimes it looks cool in pictures being all crooked lol)

In most cases though I was the friendly, silly class clown of sorts until well other madness later on in life that I don't think I want to get into.

I thought since I wanted to do alternative modeling/fetish that it'd help being a bit lighter. Maybe more opportunities would open up? That there is def a divide and I'm tired of having to try twice as hard as my lighter counter parts to get the same shit.

The actual process was pretty irritating. (which is probably why I only did it for a month and decided to quit) Made my skin peel and always felt so dry. Now my skin has always been extremely soft and smooth and clear but this stuff was really fucking it over. I got a chemical burn in my eyebrows because I decided to bleach that day after getting my eyebrows waxed (and well one should know never to put chemicals on broken skin but I wasn't really thinking)

I was pretty depressed about things at that time. And looking back at it all now... I think this is the first time in a LONG time where I've been happy on a regular basis. Minor irritations here and there but I haven't given up b/c of a slight set back.

I eventually through modeling, and well browsing a shit load of pictures... working w/ various photogs etc. found an appreciation of who I am, my look, the fact that I don't quite fit in perfectly anywhere. I just became ok and fond of myself at some point. I'm not 100% sure when that happened. How even... perhaps it's when you're so focused on yourself and you keep winning these mini battles that confidence starts to emerge until the point to where you actively search out difficult things you never would've dreamed of attempting.

Ya know now that I think of it, probably had even less to do with life being easier. I think it was more to do with issues with my mother, hatred, self hatred and feeling to blame for her not being around... and the fact that seeing pictures of her when she was younger... we fucking look so much alike and I wanted to be nothing like that probably fueled this more than I realized at that time. I think that's my root.

I don't hate her anymore and just about everyone I had issue with, family wise and otherwise I'm not really angry with. I think a lesson can be learned from every interaction and just b/c someone didn't turn out the way I wanted them to be is no need to be upset about it forever. Just keep moving forward.

If there are any of you out there who are doing this I don't judge you for it. If it'll truly make you happy then go for it. Hell putting silly colors in my hair makes me happy. Do I need to? NOPE but I enjoy it. If it's because you think it'll make life easier or some how that in and of itself will make you more attractive to more people that's not entirely true. You can look any kind of way but if the confidence doesn't come from w/in... people will see through it. I guess I think it's best to find out why you're really doing it... and deal with those issues head on. It's not easy to get to the real root of an insecurity tree but it is well worth the work.

In the past few months I've exposed myself socially a bit. Done things alone and been so comfortable in doing them that sometimes I feel a little strange when someone else is around. I feel more confident having conversations with people. I no longer get people anxiety in groups that I'm not familiar with. I'm curious to see how much I can and will grow in the future. Made my first major purchase of this spiffy ass lap top that FUCKIN' MADE ME ORGASM FROM BEING ABLE TO FINALLY PLAY MARK OF THE WOLVES FULL FUCKING SCREEN WITH NO LAG!!!!!!

We can all change from the moment we want to take the hard road and fucking do it. Sometimes we lose friends, family.. . but those who matter and love you will always be there when you love yourself. Cause you can't love others if you can't do that right? Fucking sounds like a halmark bullshit card and I have no tips on how to do it... I really wish I did but it's true...

I feel so chipper!!
(so that was a pic from when I was bleaching... should've put that up at the top huh? and I would've rotated it but since it's a file from windows xp and I'm on windows 7 it's all read write protected and I'm lazy so I didn't copy it and rotate the new file.... which I could've done in the time it took me to write this paragraph hahahaha)

I do hope that this has made some sense... I started to ramble a bit.

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Transmission Ended here


  1. Wow! So awesome of you to address such a serious topic. I suspect that most readers will not really grasp the gravity of this matter but it is a very interesting post to me for two reasons: 1) I'm a dark-skinned black male who has received similar back-handed compliments (actually one of my favorites is, "you speak well for a black guy." or, "you speak like a white guy.") and 2) We have five bi-racial children who will or are dealing with their racial identity.

    In regards to my receiving back-handed comments, I usually just give them a similar back-handed comment or just stare real hard at them while they re-consider the stupid thing they just said. The matter of our children is much more serious though since still-developing egos are involved. My children are fairly light-skinned and often hear such comments as "you have good skin" or "you're not black; you are mixed". I explain that their skin is no better than anyone else's and they should not expect preferential treatment because of their skin. We do raise them as black because it is better to accept it now then when they are 16 and get rejected by the parents of the white boy or girl they are dating because they are "black". I have many friends with mixed-race children and I believe that they are no more confused than children of a single race or gay kids or fill-in-the-bank-here; people just make more of a deal when a bi-racial kid is confused.

    I am glad that you are no longer bleaching your skin as you are beautiful the way you are (goddamn, that sounds cheesy) and you are on a very short list of models I'd love to work with in the near future.

    Ok, on another entirely different topic, another issue that needs to be addressed is anal bleaching. I just recently learned about this act and I am all in favor of a federally-funded campaign to end anal bleaching and any other bizarre practices that require putting chemicals on one's bunghole. Just seems....uh, uncomfortable.

  2. I see... you're right though. I guess all children are confused (hell lot of adults are confused about identity too lol) Though I think a gay child goes through more than everyone else though don't ya think?

    I'm glad that you don't let those comments get to you.

    :D ooooooooooooo you got a portfolio link mister!! I'd love to see your work!

    hahahahahaha anal bleaching is funny to me. Like I dunno why you would need to do that. I mean if you keep it clean it should look fine right?? Ya know I never put any of the bleach on the genitals. I wonder if I had persisted I would've had a really dark butt crack and vag and that would've just been silly lol

  3. I would definitely say gay kids have it worse than other groups. My cousin Johnny had it particularly bad (grew up in South Carolina--a place not known for its tolerance) and never really became comfortable until six years ago when he underwent a cockectomy. Not really sure what it's called when a guy has his junk removed but that's what he did and ever since then, he's been truly happy. And this makes me happy for him.

    If you'd like to check out my work, take a look at these and let me know what you think. I can provide plenty of references if you'd like to come to the desert to shoot.

    I've been rethinking the anal bleaching thing and have decided that I might be coerced into trying it if it were a double dog dare. No normal person can resist a double dog dare!

  4. OMG i mean what if it burns!!??? LOL But I do like your work!! I've never shot in the desert before so that could be really neat! Would ya like to move this conversation over to MM, DA or email? (well about the shoot, we can still talk about anal bleaching here lmfao)

    OH GEEZ the south though... I was there 6 months and that was enough for me to realize that place was too small for me. I mean a kid with a mohawk... was a zomg! Me going to a store in the white area got me the strangest looks. I was like wow this place is too many decades behind for me. Nice place to visit, very green but beyond that I couldn't handle it mentally. My brain began to condensate. Must say it was the worst Halloween I ever had there lol