when you hear a rumor about someone, what do you usually do?

Ignore it... unless of course they've done something similar to me then it might have weight to it... or it's about something that could effect me... I might ask the person about it, if they say it's untrue it's done. If it's about other ppl and has nothing to do w/ me I don't really care much about it... chances are it's just ppl trying to make themselves look better by putting someone else down

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What superstitions do you have?

that all black men are out to rape especially in a reggae club setting, what's wrong w/ you!? I can't dance by myself w/ out having 10 of you fuckers trying to put ur rooster on my caboose? What's wrong w/ you?!!

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The NEW no fly list!!

Well not so much no fly... but not work w/ list. Now I will say that yesterdays fiasco isn't the first horrid experience that I've had w/ a photographer (unfortunately). By far not even the worst actually. Sadly it seems it wasn't the last as I feel as long as my temperament is as such wolves will always try to take advantage.

CONGRATS to Mr Adan Photographer MM  #1621315 for being my first inductee (sorta)

(thanks blogger... ur being buggy right now and you won't let me turn off the fucking bold... nice)

Yesterday started out normal... I was to meet this photographer at Union Station, shoot some "light testing" or from what I gathered from his casting experimental lighting. I was told to bring whatever wardrobe I wanted b/c if I was in what I wanted I'd get the kinda shots I'd like etc. whatever other hippie bullshit.

So cool meet him seems sorta ok the ride over. Though I did notice one thing that a person dear to me said. "when someone is trying so hard to make it seem as though they are all these "good things... be careful" Nice car, nice glasses, nice pre-ripped jeans, oh ya got a family that's nice... (why aren't we talking more about what you plan on shooting?) 

Get to his house... quaint little place. Again not alarmed yet... plenty of folks shoot from their houses especially in this economy. Hands me some fucking wedding books and some random shit for "inspiration"... Dude I'm not new to modeling so I have a few poses in my arsenal of blue steal face... if you want me to change up my poses you should be able to direct me.... how would a BRIDAL magazine of all things would help one to pose better or get inspired is beyond me. You should be pulling out a fucking vogue out or something.... better yet how's about a magazine w/ some actual black folks in it... or something more attuned to the type of work you were expected to do that day...  *sigh* Then again I'm still not sure wtf you were planning on shooting.

So I'm asked to put on my first outfit (in the children's play room :-/ ) come out "oh the stockings can you take them off" Well sure I can.... Then comes the bra which again didn't strike me as weird as it didn't match the top. Then it was oh this skirt is hard to "work" with could you take that off and put on the thong you brought?... Then I started to wonder but I was like hmmmm wait for it not quite over my line yet. More changing the direction of the chair and attempting to look like he was actually doing something. Look fucker you don't even need me in the shot for your initial set up....taking a 3 month "vacation" isn't an excuse for not knowing how to use your equipment. 

Any who... it gets to pulling out weird fabric that would look atrocious w/ my skin. Let's take the top off... no discussion... not really asking, he unties my shirt and takes it off. There was a short pause in me that I feel quite disappointed about making. Things like this tend to take me back to similar situations as a child where I had no say so. Not making excuses but... just to understand where I'm coming from. More fiddling around w/ the cover came. I felt a sickness in my stomach and a huge headache came on. He leaves the room for a second... not exactly sure why. In this brief time I say to myself I cannot do this... this wasn't discussed. If you've seen any of my ports I'm obviously fine w/ nudity but not something that wasn't previously talked about b/c as past experience has showed me... when photographers deviate this much from their castings or what was talked about it will just keep going until someones cock is out in your face. I'm not about to go through something like that again... 

He comes back into the room... I say I cannot do this... grab my clothing and go to the bathroom to change. He's saying let's brain storm bla bla bla through this. Are you okay? Bla bla.... You don't want to shoot anymore? I said no... as I'm pulling up bus directions from the location cause I wasn't really expecting a ride back. He offers to drive me back and I say ok w/ a stone face.

On the ride over he tells me why are you upset, is it about the nudity? I said we didn't discuss doing anything like that, made me uncomfortable. He says that if I had said something "SOONER" then we could've been shooting right now though I'm not trying to blame you or me bla bla.... I would've said something sooner but I got baited w/ one of those used car salesmen tactics where they don't really give you the opportunity to even speak... and though my reaction was slower than I would like... and for this I probably won't forgive myself.... it was there... a far cry from previous situations.

So I was dropped off w/ a sorry that you wasted your day and a nice meeting you.... (I can write of the rest of the days exploits at some other time)

To be honest I don't even feel much better writing this all out... I feel very disappointed, like I should've done more, said more... This week hasn't been so great for shooting, First shoot canceled cause I wasn't feeling well and now this. I'm not even sure what time or place today's shoot was gonna be at, though maybe there's hope for Friday (I think the photographer is a woman and she might not try to rape me so that would be a welcome change)

Random thing I noticed... for someone who seems to revere the old ways of photography you seem to have a lot of photoshopped images (HEAVILY) in your portfolio. Sounds rather hypocritical. For the level of work you have you shouldn't be having trouble setting up lighting no matter how long of a vacation you take. (I've taken longer vacations from modeling, random ass video games.... shit I still remember how to fucking play galaga... it's like riding a damn bike) There are still those who use film, I've worked w/ them... those who have a port full of nudes so I expect that they are contacting me to do more of the same... those who don't have any will say so. meh

Transmission has ended

It is Tuesday

My head is pretty stuffy and I feel mildly dehydrated. Guess drinking cranberry juice most of the day isn't helpful to anyone in warm weather even if you're not doing anything particularly strenuous. Must have been the salty buttery popcorn I ingested. I have an issue w/ retaining salt... as a result my right foot swelled a bit but I think I can get in down in time for today's shoot (hopefully).

I have other pains... some of my own doing and some are the doing of others. I feel I can't really speak about them. For a while I've been on the fence about censoring myself. I could write about certain things privately and effectively get them out of my head space but what good is it to write anything that no one sees? The bottom line being that on occasion I do get some good advice from unexpected places. I can't write something to myself and get advice from.... my computer or journal on what to do. I can't get a confirmation that I'm either nuts, diluted... or sane from such mediums... thus I see no point in confiding in them.

Who does one confide in? I suppose it should be the weird creepy old men who come out of the wood work claiming friendship. I guess I'm going a bit off of speculation but in any case I'm not so sure I wanna forge a bonding forcefully w/ anyone. If friendship is to happen it will, if not things will remain unchanged.

As of now I'm unsure of how to feel... I think I'm inundated in so much I'm cutting off myself from my true feelings. (I hope that makes sense as I can't be anymore specific than that.)

Sometimes I escape to flights of fantasy, in day dreams I'm not this person I'm actually successful, have millions of friends and make all faces smile... soft lighting abound, everyone is healthy and prosperous. Pain is an illusion and nothing bad every happens to anyone. Reality being... friendship is fleeting. Best friends are the worst of enemies when the mood fits and hurt you far worst than any troll infested inter-webbing sludge or any school yard bully beat down. People claim a closeness that neither have probably never experienced nor will they ever. The wolves wait in hiding for the proper moment to strike... secretly, waiting...

Here and there , tinges of pain... body and mind.... this will pass... it has to for there's work to be done and pain waits for no one.

Transmission Ended

You may never know, but you may already know

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA you may already never know that knowing is half of the battle when battle star galactica blackula count chocula black forest ham spam

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How does it feel to have guys fantasizing about you and masturbating to you?

I'm pretty sure you could ask any women that, not something I think about to be honest... ahem I'm more curious as to who this is grey shadow... but I may never know lol

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Booking shoots May 16- 22nd

This week is all booked up woot woot. Looking forward to having fun this weekend and to shooting w/ lightbrite and 3 new photogs!! (Adan, Art N flesh magazine (I'd link but MM is being really fussy w/ me today yay 504 errors) and Tavo).

Starting to book for the next week. I'm currently booking for May 16th - 22nd.

I'm also hoping to have some time to go goodwill and arts n crafts shopping. I haven't had a chance to make anything new in a long while. Would love to destroy some t-shirts, make a dress and altogether gather up some newish things together.

Feel free to contact me through Model Mayhem, Deviant art, Twitter or Tumblr about work... or whatever lol

pic from last weeks lightbrite shoot :)

End Transmission

What event in the past, present, or future would you like to witness in person?

when space travel becomes public...

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Would you rather own a luxury yacht or a private jet?

private jet... fuck being on a boat

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What do you most appreciate about your mom?

uh.... my birth mom, I'm not sure, I probably should've been aborted, thanks for finally not having children you couldn't take care of after 6 damn kids... you're really somethin

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Bang Bang Shooting Shooting

First shoot of the week... w/ Lightbrite. Always fun to work w/. Was different shooting during the day light hours since he normally does light painting. I think we'll be doing more of that soon and hopefully some other projects in the near future.

Shoot w/ Renfro Photography (Please oh please let me have spelled that right!!) Very fun, Very professional... awesome person who I hope to get to hang out w/ in general more often. I hope I r have made a new buddy... was nice to FINALLY meet you in person. You're much taller than I expected for some reason lol. I can't wait to see the rest of the photos and thank you very much for the laughs and birthday ice cream!! Get your port up already so I know what to link to when we shoot again!!! LOL!! DO EEEET!!!

My last and certainly most challenging shoot of this week w/ Moonstix . I'm amazed how this came out considering how freaked out over the bugs in this area I got. The first location it wasn't so bad hahaha but here they just wouldn't let up :(  I'm amazed at how this almost looks like frick green screen to me... that area was very beautiful and a total adventure to find. (since our original planned location was covered w/ water lol) Always great seeing you... can't wait to hang out again!!!

WOOT WOOT 3 shoots in one week!! Don't think I've ever done that before. LOL Now that I've acknowledged it I probably won't have another in a while (Let's not let that happen!!!)

I'm booking shoots for next week as I type this!! (May 9th -15th) If you'd like to book something further into the future I can handle that too though I don't like to plan that far ahead on a regular basis as one never knows what's going to be coming up and such.

Thanks for reading, watching, and junk... off to finish pic editing, watch some more Xena and get outside for a nice walk.

End Transmission

What historical time period would you most like to visit?

I'm not sure cause the past really sucks for us black folks... I think I'd like to zoom the the future and see if we're still in the same spot

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If you had to cook dinner for someone tonight, what would you make?

Burgers cause it's the only thing I can make half way decent

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What a week

It seems like that time of year where I feel like what other cluster fuckage will arise from the garbage to kick me in the ass. I've been through this enough times to know that it will pass as all things do. Just wish I was a rich person (though I'm sure many of you probably do).

At any rate I've had 2 shoots this week... awaiting the many awesome pictures to update Deviant Art, Model Mayhem and Tumblr with...I have another shoot w/ Moonstix today which should prove to be very fun and yield awesome beautiful results. Plus he's just really cool to be around. I predict the ride will be long and hot but well worth the trip.

I'm booking shoots for next week (may 9th - 12th) I'll spend a few days looking for a more suitable (closer) job... and in the mean time be on my hustle game (woot woot ugh) lol...

Also got some mysterious package in the mail, guessing it's a birthday gift from an anonymous someone... I'd like to say thanks but 1 it's half creepy that someone sent me that gift in the mail w/ no name on the package and 2 how do you know my name? So my guess would be I'd have to know you in some capacity (though if I know you why would you send something anonymously :-/) My hope is to have a place soon so I can get whatever mail I want and not have to worry about folks taking it the wrong way... I have many thoughts but all are moot at this point... Just means that I need to not be here any longer than need be as I've already been here too long anyway...

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Lately

Been shooting relatively frequently lately. I'm almost afraid I'm going to run out of clothing to shoot in lol! Things would be a hell of a lot easier if I were on my own and all my things were with me but this is not the case. That and if money flowed like rivers, fell from trees digital bank account trees and drove me wherever I needed to go. (hmmm reminds me, not looking forward to renewing the whole license thing next year. Loathe studying and taking tests but I guess it's a necessary evil.)

My feelings have about fallen flat on the current job. I predicted that the long travel times would eventually subdue me but I didn't think it all would be take such a toll so fast. On the one hand it is a fairly easy (albeit physical) job but not enough hours, low pay paired w/ the time spent traveling and the cost of said travel makes this for naught. Other nuisances aside... when half your money is spent on traveling and eating there's a major problem w/ where you're working. In other jobs I would've saved up at least 300 bucks by now. I don't eat much, don't go out much... but now it's a paycheck to paycheck thing. I feel as though I'm working for free.

I haven't decided on how to attack it yet. I wonder if I should flat out quit now and cut my losses. There is that whole two week notice thing. I could do that. I think staying at this job where resentment is eminent, where I know which direction I'm bound to go in (probably crazy angry outburst city) is well bad idea yes?

A surprise birthday party type deal was thrown for me this past Saturday. I'd like to say thank you to everyone who showed up (as  I tend to expect nothing anymore) and thank you for the gift that I'd been wanting for a long while. Hopefully I'll actually get to get out and use it as I've used old digi cams of the past. Granted my social circle was a bit less in a line segment then but... things are always changing. Life ebbs and flows... To hold onto something that's ultimately not doing you any good for the sake of not being alone... is pointless. Though having one's chosen exile thrown in one's face... I'm learning to feel differently about it.

I don't play well w/ many. I'm difficult yet easy... a cluster fuck of many masks... I think we all can be at times...

What I look forward to the most is a significant move forward....

I also had a shoot yesterday w/ Lightbrite. That was interesting and fun as always. Though I ended up smelling like doggies I didn't mind that so much. Random unplanned go w/ the flow shooting can sometimes be the most entertaining. Wasn't there late enough to do light painting but I'm sure we'll shoot again at some point. A Gogo thing might be in the works for late summer. I hope that works out. Apparently there are agencies for such things... had no fucking clue. I also got a free t-shirt which is cool cause who doesn't like free shit.

Today shooting w/ Omar (I have no clue if he has a photographer alias or anything). I know he's just starting out and all but he's a cool dude. I kinda feel lame for the many times I've missed out on shooting in the past... so hopefully I don't suck too much today. It'll be nice to finally meet you in person. You seem like a cool dude.

Tomorrow the dreadful job hunting continues "DOM DOM DOM" ... I think after that I might end up some where in little tokyo (Maybe not... I tend to get tired really quickly now a days. I may just head home).

Thursday shooting w/ Moonstix which should be fun! I wish you lived closer so we could hang out more. This shall be the perfect before I have to go back to work type thing I'm sure :)

I've neglected to book shoots for next week since I'm not entire sure what I plan on doing about the job situation. (or at least put the effort that I normally put into booking shoots) BUT my availability as of now is as follows

May 9th-12th

I'll post some pics up from yesterdays shoot as soon as I have them... take care everyone and be safe

End Transmission