Every day I'm hustlin' ... sadly but that's been the mantra of my life for especially for the past 3 years... sometimes it pays off other times not so much. I wonder when it'll stabilize though
streamate, flirt4free, cam girl, model, gogo dancer and all around nerdy nerd nerdette. Adventures and random thoughts there in w/ shiney new pictures too!! (formally on kinklive until further notice)
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
you are all kinds of nerd. i swearrr you are the most awesomest chick ever. <333 oh and its insanity from DA. im like. everywhere. im like cancer! yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay also u need ta get TF2 girl! come murder spys with me >:D
awwww hell thanks... I'll get it eventually and suck for at least 6 months before I figure out how to use the mouse properly but I think it could be worth it. What I know I could get soon though is starcraft II since I don't think I'll need a spiffy mouse for it though part of me is weary about playing newer games on a lap top. I may just wait until I can get a decent desktop computer
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
I do love your answers to some of these questions. your as pervy as me. i love it! <3
that's totally a question :-P I'm glad you're amused though... so I rank about the same on ur pervy scale... cool haha
Monday, August 8, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
skin bleaching
*sigh* so I was looking at a photo from a while back... in fact I'm sure I have another from that period in time when I was doing it. Oh gasp bla bla blobbity you should yadda yadda. Before we all get on our high horses and shit like Tyra and talk about things we have no clue on how to half way fathom (IE: I've heard from a few mixed race friends their confusion stages b/c of it... it's not something I'll understand. Hell to me they're black but it's really not that simple... and it's not right for me to define it or say they should feel a certain way. All one can hope is that they get to a place where they're no longer confused and are happy. Isn't that what we want for our friends...?)
Anyway back to skin bleaching. I spent about a good 2 months obsessed with the topic. For a while I used to hella lighten my pictures online because I didn't feel they were pretty if it was in my natural shade or some how better lighter I guess. I'm sure this could've come from a lot of things. I would get the most back handed compliments that always made me feel second rate. Saying you're pretty for a dark girl isn't really pleasing to hear.
Before that I had that whole wandering eye business that still pops up every so often. I'm aware of it but it doesn't bother me like it used to (guess since it's hardly ever an issue and sometimes it looks cool in pictures being all crooked lol)
In most cases though I was the friendly, silly class clown of sorts until well other madness later on in life that I don't think I want to get into.
I thought since I wanted to do alternative modeling/fetish that it'd help being a bit lighter. Maybe more opportunities would open up? That there is def a divide and I'm tired of having to try twice as hard as my lighter counter parts to get the same shit.
The actual process was pretty irritating. (which is probably why I only did it for a month and decided to quit) Made my skin peel and always felt so dry. Now my skin has always been extremely soft and smooth and clear but this stuff was really fucking it over. I got a chemical burn in my eyebrows because I decided to bleach that day after getting my eyebrows waxed (and well one should know never to put chemicals on broken skin but I wasn't really thinking)
I was pretty depressed about things at that time. And looking back at it all now... I think this is the first time in a LONG time where I've been happy on a regular basis. Minor irritations here and there but I haven't given up b/c of a slight set back.
I eventually through modeling, and well browsing a shit load of pictures... working w/ various photogs etc. found an appreciation of who I am, my look, the fact that I don't quite fit in perfectly anywhere. I just became ok and fond of myself at some point. I'm not 100% sure when that happened. How even... perhaps it's when you're so focused on yourself and you keep winning these mini battles that confidence starts to emerge until the point to where you actively search out difficult things you never would've dreamed of attempting.
Ya know now that I think of it, probably had even less to do with life being easier. I think it was more to do with issues with my mother, hatred, self hatred and feeling to blame for her not being around... and the fact that seeing pictures of her when she was younger... we fucking look so much alike and I wanted to be nothing like that probably fueled this more than I realized at that time. I think that's my root.
I don't hate her anymore and just about everyone I had issue with, family wise and otherwise I'm not really angry with. I think a lesson can be learned from every interaction and just b/c someone didn't turn out the way I wanted them to be is no need to be upset about it forever. Just keep moving forward.
If there are any of you out there who are doing this I don't judge you for it. If it'll truly make you happy then go for it. Hell putting silly colors in my hair makes me happy. Do I need to? NOPE but I enjoy it. If it's because you think it'll make life easier or some how that in and of itself will make you more attractive to more people that's not entirely true. You can look any kind of way but if the confidence doesn't come from w/in... people will see through it. I guess I think it's best to find out why you're really doing it... and deal with those issues head on. It's not easy to get to the real root of an insecurity tree but it is well worth the work.
In the past few months I've exposed myself socially a bit. Done things alone and been so comfortable in doing them that sometimes I feel a little strange when someone else is around. I feel more confident having conversations with people. I no longer get people anxiety in groups that I'm not familiar with. I'm curious to see how much I can and will grow in the future. Made my first major purchase of this spiffy ass lap top that FUCKIN' MADE ME ORGASM FROM BEING ABLE TO FINALLY PLAY MARK OF THE WOLVES FULL FUCKING SCREEN WITH NO LAG!!!!!!
We can all change from the moment we want to take the hard road and fucking do it. Sometimes we lose friends, family.. . but those who matter and love you will always be there when you love yourself. Cause you can't love others if you can't do that right? Fucking sounds like a halmark bullshit card and I have no tips on how to do it... I really wish I did but it's true...
I feel so chipper!!
(so that was a pic from when I was bleaching... should've put that up at the top huh? and I would've rotated it but since it's a file from windows xp and I'm on windows 7 it's all read write protected and I'm lazy so I didn't copy it and rotate the new file.... which I could've done in the time it took me to write this paragraph hahahaha)
I do hope that this has made some sense... I started to ramble a bit.
---Model Mayhem--- Twitter --- Deviant Art --- Tumblr --- Formspring --- Youtube ---
Transmission Ended here
Anyway back to skin bleaching. I spent about a good 2 months obsessed with the topic. For a while I used to hella lighten my pictures online because I didn't feel they were pretty if it was in my natural shade or some how better lighter I guess. I'm sure this could've come from a lot of things. I would get the most back handed compliments that always made me feel second rate. Saying you're pretty for a dark girl isn't really pleasing to hear.
Before that I had that whole wandering eye business that still pops up every so often. I'm aware of it but it doesn't bother me like it used to (guess since it's hardly ever an issue and sometimes it looks cool in pictures being all crooked lol)
In most cases though I was the friendly, silly class clown of sorts until well other madness later on in life that I don't think I want to get into.
I thought since I wanted to do alternative modeling/fetish that it'd help being a bit lighter. Maybe more opportunities would open up? That there is def a divide and I'm tired of having to try twice as hard as my lighter counter parts to get the same shit.
The actual process was pretty irritating. (which is probably why I only did it for a month and decided to quit) Made my skin peel and always felt so dry. Now my skin has always been extremely soft and smooth and clear but this stuff was really fucking it over. I got a chemical burn in my eyebrows because I decided to bleach that day after getting my eyebrows waxed (and well one should know never to put chemicals on broken skin but I wasn't really thinking)
I was pretty depressed about things at that time. And looking back at it all now... I think this is the first time in a LONG time where I've been happy on a regular basis. Minor irritations here and there but I haven't given up b/c of a slight set back.
I eventually through modeling, and well browsing a shit load of pictures... working w/ various photogs etc. found an appreciation of who I am, my look, the fact that I don't quite fit in perfectly anywhere. I just became ok and fond of myself at some point. I'm not 100% sure when that happened. How even... perhaps it's when you're so focused on yourself and you keep winning these mini battles that confidence starts to emerge until the point to where you actively search out difficult things you never would've dreamed of attempting.
Ya know now that I think of it, probably had even less to do with life being easier. I think it was more to do with issues with my mother, hatred, self hatred and feeling to blame for her not being around... and the fact that seeing pictures of her when she was younger... we fucking look so much alike and I wanted to be nothing like that probably fueled this more than I realized at that time. I think that's my root.
I don't hate her anymore and just about everyone I had issue with, family wise and otherwise I'm not really angry with. I think a lesson can be learned from every interaction and just b/c someone didn't turn out the way I wanted them to be is no need to be upset about it forever. Just keep moving forward.
If there are any of you out there who are doing this I don't judge you for it. If it'll truly make you happy then go for it. Hell putting silly colors in my hair makes me happy. Do I need to? NOPE but I enjoy it. If it's because you think it'll make life easier or some how that in and of itself will make you more attractive to more people that's not entirely true. You can look any kind of way but if the confidence doesn't come from w/in... people will see through it. I guess I think it's best to find out why you're really doing it... and deal with those issues head on. It's not easy to get to the real root of an insecurity tree but it is well worth the work.
In the past few months I've exposed myself socially a bit. Done things alone and been so comfortable in doing them that sometimes I feel a little strange when someone else is around. I feel more confident having conversations with people. I no longer get people anxiety in groups that I'm not familiar with. I'm curious to see how much I can and will grow in the future. Made my first major purchase of this spiffy ass lap top that FUCKIN' MADE ME ORGASM FROM BEING ABLE TO FINALLY PLAY MARK OF THE WOLVES FULL FUCKING SCREEN WITH NO LAG!!!!!!
We can all change from the moment we want to take the hard road and fucking do it. Sometimes we lose friends, family.. . but those who matter and love you will always be there when you love yourself. Cause you can't love others if you can't do that right? Fucking sounds like a halmark bullshit card and I have no tips on how to do it... I really wish I did but it's true...
I feel so chipper!!
I do hope that this has made some sense... I started to ramble a bit.
---Model Mayhem--- Twitter --- Deviant Art --- Tumblr --- Formspring --- Youtube ---
Transmission Ended here
If you could choose to do a shoot whereever and however you wanted what would it be?
hmmm.... I'd shoot on the star trek tng set... I don't mind being a red shirt either lol Get to make cheesy exaggerated faces and be a dork... phasers??!!! The thought of it makes my head want to implode :D
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Who was your first celebrity crush?
uh jonny depp most likely (and now I'm sure I can't even spell his name) lol
booking shoots for next week
So far I have....
7th-- possible audition type thing, I should go I probably will go but I'll have to drag my ass to kinkos to print out shit and frankly I'm not sure I wanna spend the money... (library?? )
9th-- shoot with Displaymode Media
10th --Another audition
11th-- registration
13th Glass Slipper Photo group shoot
Sooooo that leaves today, monday the 8th and friday the 12th open!! If you would like to shoot feel free to contact me on Model Mayhem or Deviant Art (messages prefered especially on DA)
As always I'm on Twitter, Tumblr, Formspring and Youtube! Feel free to check out my wishlist off the side (I'm lazy to link) if you'd like to see things to contribute to shoots or random shit I plan on buying eventually. (Oh I should erase those computers cause guess what... I bought one yesterday and now my wallet is crying buckets of tears at me. I do not regret it though. This one is so much nicer and more complete than the old one. I'm really happy to have it... now if I can get some paid shit from here on out I won't have to hurt so much yes?? No partying in my immediate future. damn adulthood!!)
click here for a link to the photographer (jim and jesefina)
End Transmission
7th-- possible audition type thing, I should go I probably will go but I'll have to drag my ass to kinkos to print out shit and frankly I'm not sure I wanna spend the money... (library?? )
9th-- shoot with Displaymode Media
10th --Another audition
11th-- registration
13th Glass Slipper Photo group shoot
Sooooo that leaves today, monday the 8th and friday the 12th open!! If you would like to shoot feel free to contact me on Model Mayhem or Deviant Art (messages prefered especially on DA)
As always I'm on Twitter, Tumblr, Formspring and Youtube! Feel free to check out my wishlist off the side (I'm lazy to link) if you'd like to see things to contribute to shoots or random shit I plan on buying eventually. (Oh I should erase those computers cause guess what... I bought one yesterday and now my wallet is crying buckets of tears at me. I do not regret it though. This one is so much nicer and more complete than the old one. I'm really happy to have it... now if I can get some paid shit from here on out I won't have to hurt so much yes?? No partying in my immediate future. damn adulthood!!)
click here for a link to the photographer (jim and jesefina)
End Transmission
Friday, August 5, 2011
so cutting it close since todays meeting didn't get cancled muahahaha
video about first person shooters!!
I would make a longer entry but I'm sorta running late :-/
I must run
End transmission!!
I would make a longer entry but I'm sorta running late :-/
I must run
End transmission!!
If you could, would you travel to space?
sure... but first I'd like to see my own country before overwhelming the sences with other wordly things
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Santa Monica has a far better library than the LA county one's
Not to say I'm surprised but...I think I should drop in here more often. I rather enjoy the option to extend one's session and the fact that the computers are actually up to date. Speaking of "up to date" I'll try to if it is at all possible to upload a new video tomorrow. It's looking more and more like it'll be a shoot free week. I was crossing my fingers for a work filled weekend but at the rate shifts keep getting canceled probably not. This could be viewed in a good and bad way. Bad cause money is always good... good b/c I can finally go out on a Friday night (I've been sorta missing Das bunker actually) Also good because I might be able to shoot this weekend.
I plan on checking on some volunteering opportunities soon once I've exhausted the necessary work searches first. I want to volunteer at a pet hospital or somewhere that deals with animals (mainly dogs b/c I love them) I think it'd be good for the experience and well I absolutely HATE being idle for more than a few hours.
I guess the cuh-bosh on shooting today is out of the question (I hate impromtu shooting notices with people I haven't met before b/c I don't know how long it'll take to get to them, what to expect... etc) I'm still free to shoot tomorrow though in the night time I would like to keep it free to check out a fashion show that I was invited to (I would link but the timer is a clicking and it makes me semi nervous to take the time out to do it) Should be fun though, entry is free and bitches will be walking out of a vault so should be pretty dope.
If you'd like to set up a shoot for tomorrow though/this weekend or perhaps next week (except the 13th of course) feel free to contact me on Model Mayhem or Deviant Art (please send a message and not a blog comment, a tag on MM is perfectly fine)
Guess that's about it. I will retire for the rest of my day by partaking in movie going experience and possibly hitting up the good will for random ass shit.
As always I'm on Twitter , Tumblr, Formspring and Youtube
Image by Martin Images.... give him a gander will ya!
End Transmission
I plan on checking on some volunteering opportunities soon once I've exhausted the necessary work searches first. I want to volunteer at a pet hospital or somewhere that deals with animals (mainly dogs b/c I love them) I think it'd be good for the experience and well I absolutely HATE being idle for more than a few hours.
I guess the cuh-bosh on shooting today is out of the question (I hate impromtu shooting notices with people I haven't met before b/c I don't know how long it'll take to get to them, what to expect... etc) I'm still free to shoot tomorrow though in the night time I would like to keep it free to check out a fashion show that I was invited to (I would link but the timer is a clicking and it makes me semi nervous to take the time out to do it) Should be fun though, entry is free and bitches will be walking out of a vault so should be pretty dope.
If you'd like to set up a shoot for tomorrow though/this weekend or perhaps next week (except the 13th of course) feel free to contact me on Model Mayhem or Deviant Art (please send a message and not a blog comment, a tag on MM is perfectly fine)
Guess that's about it. I will retire for the rest of my day by partaking in movie going experience and possibly hitting up the good will for random ass shit.
As always I'm on Twitter , Tumblr, Formspring and Youtube
End Transmission
Monday, August 1, 2011
Computer---less
My computer decided to crap out on me the other day so until I save up enough for a new one I doubt I'll be able to update as much or as in spiffy a fashion as I'm used to. This little timer in the corner is slightly irritating though I do enjoy the fact that the monitor on this computer is 200 billion times bigger than my netbooks so I don't have to squint. I might be getting vertigo as a result lol.
I'll try to at least put some text updates as much as I can but the fact that I absolutely have to use library computers (cause even using my own computer on the wifi is better because I have all my files with me and all that jazz).
I'm not sure when I'll be able to update my ports or if I'll be able to shoot as much but I'll do my best. I'll try to figure all this out. Perhaps when I'm at a suitable computer I can still post updates but... I dunno.. .guess we'll see what happens. (actually it seems that my hard drive works fine w/ library computers so maybe I can update from here... just the whole timed thing and ppl behind me seeing nudity... kinda... doesn't make me feel too good lmfao)
Arinston Collander Photography shoot!! Very awesome to work with... super chill and not creepy creeper... has a spiffy puppy...
So far with work my weekend is up in the are but I am free Thursday to shoot... Feel free to contact me on Model Mayhem or Deviant Art (and please do so in a message or note... not a comments section... srsly)
As Always I'm on Tumblr, Twitter and Youtube!! (I'd like to the whole wish list thing but frankly I'm lazy and there's a widget on the side if you wanna check that out)
one other random fun note: It's good that I know basic short hand crap cause you can't right click on library computers... so yay I got through linking and posting a picture w/ the greatest of ease... I'll be treating myself to cookies now!
Oh another random note. I on some level want Saturday off b/c I'd really love to go to Das Bunker Friday. I haven't been in a while and I some what miss it. It's one of few places where there's enough room to dance freely with out smacking 20 people in the face. We'll see what happens I guess.
End Transmission
I'll try to at least put some text updates as much as I can but the fact that I absolutely have to use library computers (cause even using my own computer on the wifi is better because I have all my files with me and all that jazz).
I'm not sure when I'll be able to update my ports or if I'll be able to shoot as much but I'll do my best. I'll try to figure all this out. Perhaps when I'm at a suitable computer I can still post updates but... I dunno.. .guess we'll see what happens. (actually it seems that my hard drive works fine w/ library computers so maybe I can update from here... just the whole timed thing and ppl behind me seeing nudity... kinda... doesn't make me feel too good lmfao)
So far with work my weekend is up in the are but I am free Thursday to shoot... Feel free to contact me on Model Mayhem or Deviant Art (and please do so in a message or note... not a comments section... srsly)
As Always I'm on Tumblr, Twitter and Youtube!! (I'd like to the whole wish list thing but frankly I'm lazy and there's a widget on the side if you wanna check that out)
one other random fun note: It's good that I know basic short hand crap cause you can't right click on library computers... so yay I got through linking and posting a picture w/ the greatest of ease... I'll be treating myself to cookies now!
Oh another random note. I on some level want Saturday off b/c I'd really love to go to Das Bunker Friday. I haven't been in a while and I some what miss it. It's one of few places where there's enough room to dance freely with out smacking 20 people in the face. We'll see what happens I guess.
End Transmission
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