So what's to update since we last had our little talk. I won a pump it up tournament! Now many of the three folks who read this all the way through are probably thinking wtf is that? Well it's a dance game (think DDR but with more arrows). I'm not sure why I won but it was kinda nice. Considering I'm not feeling the best this week and I'm not sure that I will attend nationals as a result (which saddens me more than I can put into words but I don't think I would be of any use to anyone with the way that I feel currently)
I also had a shoot with D. W Kim sometime last week. The images came out pretty good though I do have a few small gripes and I tend to have this gripe with most ppl who don't shoot full body or from multiple angels and folks who cut off limbs. It always makes me wonder why bring a full outfit. As much as I sorta enjoy shooting with others it's not to the point where I have to. Often I don't get what I wanted out of the shoot and I don't make any money so it's treating my job as a hobby that I can afford to do so that my imagnary hubby can have new pictures to jack off to or some shit like that. It's frustrating. Is it only in my mind that I deserve to be compensated for what I offer? I'm not a mutant, I have an alright face and I can even crack a smile or grimace here and there... for a time my solution was to self shoot for those things but I do lack the technical know how and equipment as well as space to fully do what I'd like. So I feel as though I'm in a now win scenario where I'll continue to make less and less until I'm thrown into the throws of near homelessness again. Perhaps the fear of returning home to a broken house with broken people and ultimately the loss of freedom sanity and being out of family's violent drama script will some how propel me into some sort of oportunity. Frankly I have no fucking clue but today I'm applying to another casting company and hoping something comes from it. I'm at the point where I'm considering working fast food again just to get regular income for a time (as I and many who are close to me know I probably cannot work a normal job for long without losing my shit or having tremendous emotional backlash)
I do enjoy submitting things for free and getting rejected... rejection is a part of life isn't it.... bla bla fucking bla
I took an assessment test (finally) last week too. I did about as well as I thought I would. Considering the recent money issues I'm not sure how to proceed. I can't get financial aid because I owe a loan from years ago so... I might not be able to afford more than a class, maybe two and that's if I forgo doing anything else remotely extra and perhaps cut back on some of my food intake.
I'm contemplating quitting webcam. I've seen other models do this and just focus on their video stores. I don't get the same level of stress and general resentment toward the human race when creating videos especially since most requests are simple and things I already like to do. Very few are weird and specific and things I absolutely hate and have no desire to do and usually when those come up I just don't do it. Though I'd have to really refocus and figure out how to make the damn store more profitable if I were to do this. As it stands I don't make enough off of all three of my combind video stores, an image store, ebay and the get free image sets sites to support myself in this city. Webcam felt worth it when I was making enough the stress and sometimes asinine conversation and requests were worth dealing to get to the good stuff... money and conversation wise. Lately few regulars find me either because I'm hardly on or their schedules have changed or perhaps a bit of both. I don't even know if I should bother trying to put much into it anymore.... it's become routine, boring and soul sucking. For every respectful, paying and enjoyable person ther are 10 more who will never pay... will be rude and will troll the whole time. I will keep my time to weekends until well... either the other stores pick up or until I find a real job, then I will probably quite entirely for a while
I guess I should end this on some sort of positive note. Halloween was fun and the following saturday was too! I got to go to comikaze (still too broke to buy anything but still fun) Watched a few interesting pannels and saw tons of amazing cosplay that I actually recognized which I can't say that's the norm for the usual Anime Expo crowd. Also more children dressed up and in general more regular nice mellow folks walking around. I'm not sure what it is about anime fans or cons or perhaps the sheer size makes people weird as fuck but I got none of that vibe here. I was so impressed and pleased that I'm considering coming next year and dressing up. I didn't want to this time due to cold and of course dressing up at anime expo was extremely draining to someone who tires out on too much social interaction of the casual assortment. I didn't have to worry about possible awkard interactions with ppl who I've had issue with in the past (which usually turns into weird looks from across the room b/c I totally still give a shit about YOU when I got bills and shit to pay... I often wonder if some of these people pay to live where they are to have time to still be so fucking retarded).
So I guess that's about it. If I have successfully alienated you... that's cool. It was bound to happen sooner or later. I'm going to take my protein pill and hope for the best out there... and you should do the same. This topsy turvy life... this roller coaster... it's a bit much at times. I'd like to get off this ride and stay on winnie the poo... it's colorful but predictable. Now weird drops and rises... just one level... I really want my finances to become that way. It's the last real stressor I have in my life... though I'm sure this is true for everyone. Actually not everyone, not anyone who has a stable home base that they can return to should they fail and remain in relative comfort. For anyone who comes from a family of crazy people who can't really help you beyond providing a roof that isn't safe becasue they refuse to cut off dangerous people from entering that home and stealing or attacking you... over crowded, noisy... dismal place. I can't go back there...
One last thing. If I'm not camming anymore don't ask me for additional info so you can "keep in contact" if I wanna keep in contact I'll tell you... ESPECIALLY if you don't buy anything. You just blurt out shit regardless of how I may feel like every other person in the world. I don't owe you shit, you don't owe me shit but let's be real about it. The people who I'd remotely want to still talk to I already fucking talk to cause they haven't' reduced me to a collective of orifices to please their weird fucking fantasies and delusions and SHOULD they want to do that they always pay. In life, in all relationships there must be an equal exchange or resentment rears it's ugly head...
^--- a video of wasteland weekend cars... cause why the fuck not
^--- a pic from the D. W. Kim shoot... see what I mean about limbs being cut off... not a god look... it makes me look like an amputee. But I guess you do get what you pay for don't ya?