A month of visiting the Doctor waaaaaay too much

and stress and more stress. I often wonder if constant stress is the culprit behind much of this sickness (aside from fun medication side effects that only subside with pot and quick wit... moderate wit does nothing to vanquish these dastardly foes!)

I don't have a ton to add... Lately I've been trying to learn to relax which has only given me more reasons to stress which ends in this super cycle of worry, try to relax, more problems pop up and repeat.

I've fleshed out a five day cam shedule that I'll be sticking to from now on.... like a real working adult! My hope is that if I stick to it... they will cum and if they cum I will never be in such a financial hole ever again! I've been broke before but this is the first time I'm sure that I will certainly overdraft paying rent in... at least a year or so. Perhaps I've bitten off more than I can chew? If I could leave and live somewhere in the remote no where maybe I would. As much as I like the convinience of my big city... as much as it is home... it is stressful living here. hoping that fleshing out a gameplan will help me in the near future to handle all these bills without sure fire break down and to have a little tiny bit left over to do something fun with.

Fun stuff.... like Pump it up which costs excess money with the bus trip and game playing and sometimes food eating will have to go on hold for a bit. If someone bought me a damn machine for christmas that'd be awesome. May neighbors would hate it and I'd be thrilled to be able to combat the kennel noises from bellow... WIN WIN!

I'm not sure how I'm going to handle the dreaded christmas presents thing... and if I don't have enough for it I'm not going to try to stress myself getting things either. I have to make sure I'm ok before I can go thinking about everyone else.

Other than that I've been trying to get on this cosplay site submission deadline but I don't think I'll make it in time. I can't seem to find the log in info and they haven't really gotten back to me with that either which is kinda bleh...

I really wanna get over this current money hurdle... and start doing the things I set out to do....

*Shedule as of 11/29/14*

Monday         (rest)
Tuesday     (photos or rest)
Wednesday     7pm - 10pm (cams)
Thursday     7pm - 10pm (cams)
Friday         7pm - 10pm (cams)
Saturday    11am - 3pm (streamate)Sunday        11am - 3pm (streamate)

I'll try to find my cams link at some point... why cams and not streamate? Uh... Rebuilding streamate traffic during the week might be difficult for me at the moment... If it absolutely doesn't work out I'll see about adding more days to streamate in the evening and less to cams.

I guess that's enough for now... thanks giving was good, life is ok... just gotta get caught up on the fun random bill surprises of this month

also if ya can check out the butt load of crap I have on ebay for super cheap consumption. Not only would you be helping to get me out of a hole, you'd be getting crap for really cheap and helping me make room for more ridiculous crap... the circle of life... completed.

XoXo

Britney Siren

It's been another while since an update

So what's going on? *cues turtles song from PIU* uh well I'm getting over being really sick and a pretty horrid bout with depression. It's still an issue for me even though most days I'm pretty good. This was... well the worse kinda triple punching from all directions that I've had in a while. I think I was trying to do too much at once, take on all the weight of bills, life, and various other mental stressors alone w/out giving myself a break and it was bleeding into other areas of my life. Good news is I feel about back to normal... I've returned back to a regular work out schedule (thank goodness as that's one of the few things that helps to snap me back into a regular mood). I'm working on going outside and socializing rather than staying indoors for days at a time w/out seeing sunlight and the weird social anxiety that I have has been, easier to manage lately. Maybe I'm getting used to seeing ppl and realizing that not everyone is out to kill me like the little green men in my head keep telling me. Stop that green men or I'll destroy you with the little green plants that the dr. gave me... *teehee*

School... has been put on a slight hiatus. At least until I take care of some more dental work that needs to get done. My tooth pain has returned and it will only get worst/I was due for a check up and cleaning last month but didn't go because of financial issues. I realize that frankly there will always be financial issues but there doesn't have to be pain constantly or in spurts. Hopefully I don't need another tooth extraction and I can work on getting a few more badly needed fillings.... then get the old terrible one's replaced and finally braces (which I'm sure will be a hit with the ladies :P lol)

I've been doing a lot of self sets and less shooting with other ppl. I think the process of finding someone to shoot and whether or not it will come out the way that I want or even in a usable fashion is highly stressful. As much as I enjoy working with others sometimes I need to take a step back and access  what whether the benefits are there. Sometimes they are and other times I'm left with things that I cannot use for anything which makes me sad in the pants because my fridge gets empty and I hunger for the food of humans.

And there was USPF (nationals for a little game called pump it up). I won last year... did not this year. I could say that being sick and depressed all week had an adverse effect as well as being incredibly nervous and the abundance of humans in the room/the stream working this year increasing my nervous factor 10 fold. But even without that I don't think I would've won. I hadn't been playing much before that, been getting into a life rut and not exercising and was on a physical decline. It was said by someone whose really awesome and hopefully not reading this but that they learned more from losses than wins. I can say that it's made me want to be better... and a little disappointed that I was so spent on things that shouldn't have been a problem. I couldn't remember what speed mods to use... I couldn't remember shit lol.  So I plan on becoming more active with this and my other gaming loves... namely the fighting game community stuffs. I'm incredibly bad at KOF right now. I can only play decent with King at the moment. My second (Mature) is taking some time to remember the basic combos I used to be able to pull off and what moves to use. My third... keeps fucking changing randomly but I would really like to learn to use Elizabeth. There is something unique about the way she plays and it would be nice to learn to play with that kind of character. I think it goes completely against what I'm used to doing... she's not really rush down, she seems more defensive and I like that.

I hope to do more cosplay stuff for site submission soon! We shall see but at least on my end I finally finished my weird hairs so that's out of the way.

Today is a good day. I hope to return to you on a similar note!

Also for now my cam schedule will remain around 11am - 3pm (I usually end up popping on earlier... 10:30 ish and staying for 3 or so hrs so I might leave earlier but that's about the general time to expect me) weekends. If I do more than that I stress myself out so I'm not even going to try. I'll focus the rest of the week on completing videos and pic sets/editing and getting gigs offline and what not!

So thanks for reading and stuff...

XoXo

Britney Siren

**Twitter -- Ebay -- Clips 4 sale  -- Images 4 sale --Streamate Chat **

It's been a while, it's always been a while

So what's to update since we last had our little talk. I won a pump it up tournament! Now many of the three folks who read this all the way through are probably thinking wtf is that? Well it's a dance game (think DDR but with more arrows). I'm not sure why I won but it was kinda nice. Considering I'm not feeling the best this week and I'm not sure that I will attend nationals as a result (which saddens me more than I can put into words but I don't think I would be of any use to anyone with the way that I feel currently)

I also had a shoot with D. W Kim sometime last week. The images came out pretty good though I do have a few small gripes and I tend to have this gripe with most ppl who don't shoot full body or from multiple angels and folks who cut off limbs. It always makes me wonder why bring a full outfit. As much as I sorta enjoy shooting with others it's not to the point where I have to. Often I don't get what I wanted out of the shoot and I don't make any money so it's treating my job as a hobby that I can afford to do so that my imagnary hubby can have new pictures to jack off to or some shit like that. It's frustrating. Is it only in my mind that I deserve to be compensated for what I offer? I'm not a mutant, I have an alright face and I can even crack a smile or grimace here and there... for a time my solution was to self shoot for those things but I do lack the technical know how and equipment as well as space to fully do what I'd like. So I feel as though I'm in a now win scenario where I'll continue to make less and less until I'm thrown into the throws of near homelessness again. Perhaps the fear of returning home to a broken house with broken people and ultimately the loss of freedom sanity and being out of family's violent drama script will some how propel me into some sort of oportunity. Frankly I have no fucking clue but today I'm applying to another casting company and hoping something comes from it. I'm at the point where I'm considering working fast food again just to get regular income for a time (as I and many who are close to me know I probably cannot work a normal job for long without losing my shit or having tremendous emotional backlash)

I do enjoy submitting things for free and getting rejected... rejection is a part of life isn't it.... bla bla fucking bla

I took an assessment test (finally) last week too. I did about as well as I thought I would. Considering the recent money issues I'm not sure how to proceed. I can't get financial aid because I owe a loan from years ago so... I might not be able to afford more than a class, maybe two and that's if I forgo doing anything else remotely extra and perhaps cut back on some of my food intake.

I'm contemplating quitting webcam. I've seen other models do this and just focus on their video stores. I don't get the same level of stress and general resentment toward the human race when creating videos especially since most requests are simple and things I already like to do. Very few are weird and specific and things I absolutely hate and have no desire to do and usually when those come up I just don't do it. Though I'd have to really refocus and figure out how to make the damn store more profitable if I were to do this. As it stands I don't make enough off of all three of my combind video stores, an image store, ebay and the get free image sets sites to support myself in this city. Webcam felt worth it when I was making enough the stress and sometimes asinine conversation and requests were worth dealing to get to the good stuff... money and conversation wise. Lately few regulars find me either because I'm hardly on or their schedules have changed or perhaps a bit of both. I don't even know if I should bother trying to put much into it anymore.... it's become routine, boring and soul sucking. For every respectful, paying and enjoyable person ther are 10 more who will never pay... will be rude and will troll the whole time. I will keep my time to weekends until well... either the other stores pick up or until I find a real job, then I will probably quite entirely for a while

I guess I should end this on some sort of positive note. Halloween was fun and the following saturday was too! I got to go to comikaze (still too broke to buy anything but still fun) Watched a few interesting pannels and saw tons of amazing cosplay that I actually recognized which I can't say that's the norm for the usual Anime Expo crowd. Also more children dressed up and in general more regular nice mellow folks walking around. I'm not sure what it is about anime fans or cons or perhaps the sheer size makes people weird as fuck but I got none of that vibe here. I was so impressed and pleased that I'm considering coming next year and dressing up. I didn't want to this time due to cold and of course dressing up at anime expo was extremely draining to someone who tires out on too much social interaction of the casual assortment. I didn't have to worry about possible awkard interactions with ppl who I've had issue with in the past (which usually turns into weird looks from across the room b/c I totally still give a shit about YOU when I got bills and shit to pay... I often wonder if some of these people pay to live where they are to have time to still be so fucking retarded).

So I guess that's about it. If I have successfully alienated you... that's cool. It was bound to happen sooner or later. I'm going to take my protein pill and hope for the best out there... and you should do the same. This topsy turvy life... this roller coaster... it's a bit much at times. I'd like to get off this ride and stay on winnie the poo... it's colorful but predictable. Now weird drops and rises... just one level... I really want my finances to become that way. It's the last real stressor I have in my life... though I'm sure this is true for everyone. Actually not everyone, not anyone who has a stable home base that they can return to should they fail and remain in relative comfort. For anyone who comes from a family of crazy people who can't really help you beyond providing a roof that isn't safe becasue they refuse to cut off dangerous people from entering that home and stealing or attacking you... over crowded, noisy... dismal place. I can't go back there...

One last thing. If I'm not camming anymore don't ask me for additional info so you can "keep in contact" if I wanna keep in contact I'll tell you... ESPECIALLY if you don't buy anything. You just blurt out shit regardless of how I may feel like every other person in the world. I don't owe you shit, you don't owe me shit but let's be real about it. The people who I'd remotely want to still talk to I already fucking talk to cause they haven't' reduced me to a collective of orifices to please their weird fucking fantasies and delusions and SHOULD they want to do that they always pay. In life, in all relationships there must be an equal exchange or resentment rears it's ugly head...

http://youtu.be/thgbFhWyp8Q

^--- a video of wasteland weekend cars... cause why the fuck not

^--- a pic from the D. W. Kim shoot... see what I mean about limbs being cut off... not a god look... it makes me look like an amputee. But I guess you do get what you pay for don't ya? 

XoXo

Britney Siren