just another blog

Where to begin? I'm not exactly sure. Lately I've been having a good deal of migraines... nearly daily and lots of knew and random phantom pain. I wonder sometimes if it's all in the mind and if some positive thinking will make it all normalize. I do feel better if I can get around people who make me laugh. Oddly the normal reaction w/in myself when feeling discomfort or unpleasant feelings is to retreat some place by myself and sort out and over analyze every detail of a situation. To stop myself from fixating on problems I'll usually try to go do something calming or fun for me. Listen to music, dancing, drawing etc. usually makes me feel better or can help me get out pent up feelings that I wouldn't otherwise express.

It's odd that some complete strangers I can have long drawn out amazing conversations w/ and not feel the slightest bit of anxiety. Other times strangers connected to others that I know I'm less quick to talk to and more in the watching position. I think last night was my first real experience with this in a long while. (I'd clock it at a couple of months or so)

Super close to a bunch of people I don't know, a bunch of other drunken people and alone with my unpleasant thoughts swirling in my head. I'm sure they were very nice people. One person did try to talk to me a bit and I couldn't say anything. I AM SO FUCKING TALKATIVE WITH PEOPLE I'M FRIENDS WITH WHY COULDN'T I SAY ANYTHING!! I even caught wind of conversations about tattoos and other things that I have an extreme fascination and love for and not a single word came out of my mouth. Just chest tightness... head aches and for the first time ever some sort of nauseous feeling.

I tried to distract myself with my phone to ignore most of the noise but that was ineffective.

In a way I kind of had some idea that this would happen to me. I've always been uncomfortable dealing with new ppl and new places which was fine when I was drinking. I could just have a few shots of vodka and be all sociable and awesome or simply not give a fuck and say whatever was on my mind to anyone who was in an ear shot (and maybe some who weren't even so much in an ear shot too)

I feel as though in these situations I revert back to that weirdo 16 year old who went to a party in the ghetto just trying to have fun but her odd "rocker bracelets" and non-ghetto verbiage wasn't too cool with the cool kids. Small number of ppl there things were great... and then the ghetto version of mean girls shows up and snickers and start pointing and saying things in the most obvious of ways and I stop dancing, stop laughing... and reaffirm why I absolutely hate people and will never emerge from my bat cave ever again.

I know that I don't hate people. I absolutely adore being around people who I'm comfortable with and I would very much so love to be that person who is comfortable in every situation. Who can just talk to everyone. At a place where I wasn't thinking of all these things and spending so much energy worrying about being offensive, or strange or a conundrum of bullshit.

Already late in the whole socializing thing and I think drinking simply left me stunted at that age. I've never learned how to cope and I guess this will be a process for me.

Hell even the last party I went to sober , knowing a few people, I ended up sitting by myself in a corner for at least 2 hours and didn't really feel better until karaoke started.

Being aware is step one. I have a few books to read that may give me some clarity and therapy of course is well what it is but ultimately it's up to me to figure out how to go about this.

Until then guess I'll just remain in my own mind, some form of monster who no one really wants to get to know... I wish childhood insecurities weren't so damn persistent.

There are so many things I'm confident about, comfortable with.... I can dance half naked (and even naked) some where. I can take daring photos. I can entertain strangers and share some of the most intimate parts of myself but I can't talk to the guy who lives next door. This bothers me to no end... but I don't know when this will be remedied... guess it's a day at a time from here on out.

For some time I've been a bit finicky about continuing to write any "real" blogs and video blogging has lost a bit of it's flavor for me. "oh ppl may read things and go on special ninja missions to destroy the already odd perception of my eccentricities or *gasp* make fun of said things" Well if they're gonna do that it's going to happen with or w/out reason or provocation... so this is for those who care what's going on, for someone who may relate and to feel less like a fucking weirdo. The release of pent up emotions in myself...