Thursday, April 26, 2012

I haven't done much writing lately

I'm not sure if it's that I don't have as much to say or if it's more that by the time I get to a computer I'd rather just do something else ridiculous. Getting caught up into other things. Bad movies, looking for work, moving, random banter with friends.

I can let you all know how I'm doing though (since it's an error that I forget to write the most during smooth periods).

Aside from today's minor tummy ache I'm feeling pretty good. I'm in decent health. I have enough money saved to where I'm not entirely freaked out about moving. All in all I'm in good spirits. Enjoying the joys of both awful and good movies and old television series thanks to netflix. Enjoying simply being and not feeling like I always have to be in the midst of things.

I've been playing a lot more PC games now that I've noticed that Steam can make back ups of things and the finding out about free to play games. I also found a site that let's you download older pc games. I'm still trying to find a copy of betrayal at krondor. I never got to finish that game and I'd like to try again.

Sometimes I feel like I don't give enough time to all my interests.

I finally finished reading that book on consensual sadomasochism. I can say that I learned a lot from it. The most important thing I've gathered is the importance of negotiating scenes and renegotiating/talking things out. I don't think I realized it was such a big deal until I had one experience of things going horribly wrong. Had we followed all those things maybe the experience wouldn't have gotten so bad.

I learned some things about age regressions too and something interesting about certain roleplay/scenarios bringing up old memories and causing folks to freeze or react in an odd way. The importance of acknowledging emotional limits which aren't as obvious as physical one's can be and the fact that they can spring up suddenly / can't always be predicted.

It's given me a lot to think about. I may re-read over it again in a few months to make sure the important things have stuck. Until then I've got a whole stack of other books to read. I want to start on the Mindfulness book tonight or sometime tomorrow (most likely during my loooooooooooong bus ride)

Sometimes my mind can drift to the strangest places. Sometimes I'm so sure of what I want, who I am and who is there for me. Other times there's a hint of doubt which opens doors to large paranoia's which aren't necessarily founded in any sort of evidence. I hope that this book will help me to minimize these sometimes pervasive thoughts though I'd be a fool to ignore the fact that they have calmed down over the years.

I do recall a time I couldn't walk into a crowded school w/out developing some form of nausea. Though I still have growing to do and at times it feels as though I have back slide, I hope to reach my ultimate goal... being comfortable in my skin and not being misunderstood as much. I wonder if the key is to not care? Social dancing I must say is one of life's major frustrations for me. I'm not sure I'll ever understand why one must stand out in a crowd or be the center of attention. I'm more of a watcher and a do my own thing/ converse with those closest to me who fill me. Pointless silly small talk type interview conversations I find most draining. I know in getting to know someone this is needed and it's not so much 1 on 1 but in large groups it can still be too much to deal with. I often feel depleted after such events... still I'm going to step out of that comfort zone once more and see what develops.

I'd like to read more on introversion and tips on how to help one through these things. No I'm not shy , shyness entails not speaking up for lack of confidence right? I don't think I even talk as much as others when in groups of ppl I'm comfortable with. I can see me sitting back and listening and thinking things over. Interjecting here and there when I have something to add.

Though the eyes of others can see truths that oneself can't see alone. Sometimes I wonder how I'm seen and it's irritating when it's not the perception I'd like to give off....

Anyway good news!

Moving (yet again) Closer to work and the things I love to do. A few really fun shoots coming up. Continuing to save my ass off for fun things (like bats day and wasteland weekend)... but also for a car. I know I don't entirely enjoy driving but I'd be able to be a bit safer and do more with my time if I had one. Oh jeez and for the life of me I have to get a damn printer! LOL

I'm looking forward to my birthday celebration and seeing friends. I don't have many but I don't think I need to. I'd probably fizzle out in all the hustle and bustle.

I guess that's about all I have to say,

Thanks for reading :D


  1. There's nothing wrong with being private or introspective. A lot of us are, and find it odd that we're supposed to be excited by noise and excitement all the time. Fooey. Check out "Party of One" - great book on the subject. And take a Myers-Briggs test :-)

    1. :) I've taken the personality tests before (I think it was a myers briggs but it's been a long time) I'll have to check out that book too.

      I'm starting to realize there's nothing wrong with it, I just wish it wasn't so difficult in social settings or have folks think I hate them or don't care...

      I honestly doubt I could work most normal jobs for very long b/c I get anxious and end up quitting