A Halmark to Self

It's been roughly a month. I've discovered a lot about myself. Where my fears root from. A lot about what I will and won't accept. That boundaries sometimes need readjusting. That a disagreement or argument isn't negative in and of itself. Talking w/ those who have the proper tools will eventually yield a positive result.(even if it's a compromise of both parties wishes) Talking w/ those who are stuck in power games doesn't.

I feel like that silly facebook rant was the first time I truly back tracked into something I don't want to be a part of. Silly shit talking for the sake of it w/ no real focus on changing anything. Childish blame games. It appears to me that nothing was really gained from it except to avoid at all costs. I don't need the stress over trivial matters. Over people that I shouldn't even be hearing about anymore.

I've come to the following conclusion. As much as you may "like" a person and enjoy their good qualities one can't blindly go into things backing them up. Often times you will be left to the slaughter. Most people value their roles in whatever plays they play to avoid dealing with their real issues. I can't afford to care about those issues anymore for folks who just want to go back into the same patters. I've come far and have been content w/ the progress I've made in my love relationship... if friendships cannot keep up, I'll just find new friends.

I just know that I don't want anything to do w/ toxic people. Not even a loose association. Don't want to be tied in, don't want to hear about what's going on in their lives. Don't care, doesn't behoove me in the least bit.

So the tricky part is stepping way left field out of my comfort zone and branching out to new social circles. I think in a sense I've half ass done that. I'll just have to keep at it and not let little bumps in the road hinder my progress.

I might be overly analytical. I'd rather be this way than naive. Have a nigga mentality.... be content w/ sub par "friends" who drain my energy rather than bring me new life. My love does that for me, more often than not. There are a few others that I can see that potential in....

I wonder if this will be taken as a personal blow to some, I assure you it is not. This is just me on my personal journey to self improvement. To having the kind of life that I want. A certain amount of detachment for a time might be necessary for a time.

Either way the pendulum will swing where it wants. I'm not afraid of a loss of friendship for taking time out to deal w/ myself and for avoiding problems when I have very real problems of my own. I don't expect anyone to wait forever for me to "find" myself but I do know that those who really want a friendship will understand and not hate me for wanting to be my very best.

Other than that this is the last post I'll be making from this locale. No more cam whorin' para mi. I didn't enjoy it and it's good to end it before it begins to further eat away at me. It works for some but not for me.

Oh and much needed marvel vs capcom 3 time today!! Fuck fuckety yeah yeah!!! I've had random music from that game stuck in my head! Should this job thing pan out this week... I'm gonna have to get my baby a joystick (well I guess technically it's for me, well not technically he doesn't even use one lmfao) and I can buy blazblue FINALLY!!! I can improve my fighting spirit, my mark of wolves (speaking of snk games I still haven't played KOF XII, that's rather sad.) I apologize for the temporary nerd out. OH FUCK I COULD BUY COMIC BOOKS AGAIN!!

In all seriousness though those things aren't at the top of my priority list. I'll mostly be staying in, saving up for an apartment and car (as I've been doing and the saving is going ok for now).

There's a couple of events I want to attend. I do wanna find someone whose planning on ordering wrestlemania 27 and maybe chip in on it. I'd love to go to beyond wonderland (stupid trailer sold me, song made me all giddy and shit. I haven't been to any raves since 09 so it'll at least be fresh to me plus it's 18 and up so all that crap that freaked me out about raves (the minors) won't be present, thank goodness!!

I'm hopeful for the future. In fact I have a confidence in it that I've never had before. I know things will be ok because I will make them ok. I will adjust and I'm not totally alone on this. The potential for non alcoholic friends is high. Potential for still alcoholic friends but not bad influences in my life is looking good too. I won't stop going forth w/ open arms... but those arms aren't going to be open for those who don't want it/those who have proven to be more trouble than they're worth.

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Today marks 2 weeks of sobriety

Coming from someone who would drink at least 3 times a week this is pretty good. I don't really have the desire to drink. I'm finding that I don't really need to. Much of the paranoia I had been avoiding was only getting compounded into a bigger ball and being released in the wrong ways. I've learned that big crowds doen't neccessarily mean everyone is going to devour the flesh or even notices that you're there.

Everyone doesn't have to be your buddy but there is something nice about casual conversation that I never experienced before. I recognize this as a tiny victory in what is sure to be many battles in the future on my journey to not being a shitty person.


Guess I can fill these shot glasses w/ icecream? :-P

I wanna share a quote that I found interesting "bordom between 2 people doesn't come from being together physically. It comes from being apart mentally and Spiritually" -Brenda Schaeffer

It's a fine line we dance... sometimes it takes a few whispers and a swift kick in the face w/ something before the message starts to sink in. Here's to the ongoing struggle , joys, wonderful things that life has to offer... to knowing our limits and improving each day.

drawing by mattahan

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Moving on to light mode... moving on

Time for the morning release of thoughts and such. The day goes a lot smoother when I have these so let's shout about them shall we!


Nothing stays a diamond forever! When one can no longer say w/out pause why you talk to someone... the light has gone out and looking at them brings irritation  and confusion to your eyes best eject oneself from the situation. When you start having to make excuses for why they're treating you differently. Excuse making is definitely a bad sign. Trust is hard to earn and trust isn't forever. It is a flame that needs continual renewal. As w/ any relationship you gotta pay your daily dues... what you a few months ago doesn't count for shit today cause today I stepped on yo new kicks son so I guess we're fightin'?

Communication...and power plays, that ppl are aware of and subconsciously can unravel any would be "decent" relationship. I will admit that in some circumstances I've had the "they should know" attitude. Things of a common courtesy  nature. I'm very anal about folks being on time and not standing me up. I do get irritated when folks are even a minute late. Sometimes this is a gift as I'm generally hours early for meetings... I'm almost never late b/c I don't want someone wasting time waiting around when they could be doing other things... Then again it is a bit insane to be upset over a 5-10 mins lost.

Common courtesy to me is treating others w/ respect, a basic respect... not yelling at them, listening, don't interrupt folks in the middle of sentences and if you make plans, keep those plans... if you can't then let someone know w/ enough time to do something else or at the very least before they're half way to you're location especially when riding public transit. I've learned that most ppl are flakey at best. I'm not compatible w/ most ppl over a long span of time.


I'm learning that my patience, my tolerance for dealing w/ ppl who I feel in my gut aren't as they appear is reaching 0... I'm at a don't really give a fuck mode. I'm in a if I've watched you do this to others I'm not so special that it isn't being done to me. I'm in defense mode. I refuse to deal with someone who isn't blunt and to the point. I don't need to be sugar coated. Though sadly most people only get to this "blunt" way of dealing w/ people when they no longer care for the relationship. Well kiddies if you would've had that bitch fest years ago most of the problems you've had in your relationships that you bottled up inside, didn't address head on, that folks should have "known" about would've been fixed or at the very least recognized early on. Doesn't mean it's a one shot deal and it's gonna be clear. You have to bring it up every time it happens as no one should be expected to change overnight. It is hard to undo hardwired repetitions.

It's hard to make new friends when in this kind of thinking. For one the negative reasons for not connecting with someone are clear. There's a great risk for hurt and when encountering a similar situation no one wants to willingly touch that potentially hot stove again...

When dealing w/ family members or friends that of those I'm dating, even friends of friends I tend to have a wall up. This is not to say that I hate you... at times I'm curious and would like to know more but I get stuck in the doorway. I don't expect help to be pushed through. In most instances ppl don't take long enough to talk to me to even realize that there's something afoot. This mask is a carefully crafted defense from childhood. From times when adults in my life did not do their job to protect me. I'm aware of all this and even still there's not much has changed about it. I always know more than I let on. I've learned to watch ppl and often enough if I didn't meet you on my on I won't make much of an effort to keep a friendship w/ you because I'll feel that loyalty is elsewhere and I should find my own friends. That when that person that I've met you through is gone you will be gone too. In a lot of cases this is what happens.

Don't see any of my ex's mothers calling me asking if I'm alright. Then again I don't call them either. None of those friends talk to me anymore. Why should I bother?

Sometimes we watch those we once loved grow in different directions. I'd be lying if I said "I'm happy for you" I'm not... no point in caring for those who don't exist especially when my life is in such disarray. I can't expect you to go down w/ this ship though I've gone down w/ many... This is my own error.

Healthy relationships... comparisons and the like when all we know is what we see. We do not see the bad sides of what we're to aspire to but we can right off so quickly that ours isn't right... or even on it's way to getting where it needs to be...

alright I'm done

(painting is by mattahan, check them out on deviantart.com)

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