Words as Weapons

Words can never hurt me... sure they can. Words can be far worst than a broken bone, bruises and scratch marks. The psychological damage can be permanent in a lot of cases for certain words.

I realize this and I have for quite some time. Does this mean that I will not ever make a mistake and say something that I'm unaware of offending you to where you may reply "well you just don't know me that well" ? NO... I don't expect anyone to "know me that well" for you are not me and what's going on in my head, while you can guess at it most of the time I can't fault anyone for not getting something I haven't directly said. Can't say that I always get it right but ... I'm working on it, others do not think this way.

Why do people feel this entitlement to totally serendipity bullshit in their relationships? No one's relationship will ever be perfect. Comparisons to other alleged healthy relationships and constant defense mode tactics when problems are trying to be solved isn't healthy. I can say w/ the up most honesty and confidence that in the past few weeks my eyes have been open to a new way of thinking and I've done my best to leave my ego out of disagreements. I've tried to understand the view points of others and things that I have done wrong.

Even so in some cases when you've admitted you're wrong or that you don't care for long drawn out "plays for the day" some how you are still vilified. "I don't like when you feel the way about things that I feel aren't true about myself" Well... getting angry about it isn't going to change the way I feel. If someone has an inaccurate impression of me (or what I feel is inaccurate....) perhaps it's best to ask why they see you in this light. You might be doing things that you're unaware of.

I wish that people wouldn't look at disagreements as terrible things.

Assumptions are normal human behavior.... perhaps they are but monogamy isn't really natural, marriage isn't... romance. Just cause something is "normal" doesn't mean it's good for everyone. I happen to have my own thoughts that in most instances coincide w/ the norms other times they don't. NEVER GIVE UP MAKING YOUR OWN TRUTH! That said truth is also not infallible... it is biased by our own perspective so don't close off yourself to the truth of others. Never be set in ones way... every experience is a chance to grow. Growing/learning isn't a fun process but it is a fulfilling one. (It's true, Don't think anyone enjoys things they don't understand. I'm still really shitty at fucking air combos and well combos in general. Practicing them is kinda annoying. What does stick out the most in my mind is my first decent set of combos... there is an amazing warm feeling that comes over you once something that seemed impossible suddenly clicks and you get it... that's what I mean about learning.).

I don't think I'll ever take assumptions as positive things. I think a question should always be asked if you're not for certain if something is true. It's very insulting to the person you're dealing with... or at least I find them insulting/irritating.

I hate arguments... rather I hate long drawn out arguments that are unnecessary where the same points are being pointed out as if I'm expected to change what I have said. Yes I get your point but unless you have something new to say agree to disagree please.

Perhaps I do come off a bit too bluntly to folks. Though at times this is praised and other times when it has to do with that particular individual they become defensive and irritable. You don't have to take my opinion as truth... but if you are to be involved w/ me you need to be able to hear it. I REFUSE TO BOTTLE UP MY EMOTIONS ANY LONGER!  I will not hold in my opinion.sensor myself to protect your ego, this is not my job. I'm here in most of your lives to provide companionship and hopefully in some way or another help you to grow, bringing out those good qualities. I don't think anyone should be afraid to express their honest feelings about someone. Granted I could be coming off too cold when I do this. This may or may not change as me being blunt is not something I have issue with... it's probably one of those built in features and will be for some time.

I know my limits. I will take responsibility for my own actions, not bruised egos. I apologize if I don't always know what's on your mind even though I shouldn't have to... that is an impossible to request to make of anyone and comparisons to different relationships on how "they would know" when they too have hurt your feelings from time to time is irrational, childlike magical thinking. Everything isn't so black and white... there's layers, gray areas.... treat each situation individually


I know that I have more upheavals to face in the future and I welcome them w/ mind open. Many questions as to why and how we got here rather than pointing fingers. Prepared to take ownership of my part or flaw in a dispute... I do hope that you all can do the same in your relationships. I hope that me writing this  doesn't in and of itself start some other dispute but I accept that it may. I'm prepared w/ answers for my actions.... Welcome to adulthood.

More of Artsangel work can be found here

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Today marks 2 weeks of sobriety

Coming from someone who would drink at least 3 times a week this is pretty good. I don't really have the desire to drink. I'm finding that I don't really need to. Much of the paranoia I had been avoiding was only getting compounded into a bigger ball and being released in the wrong ways. I've learned that big crowds doen't neccessarily mean everyone is going to devour the flesh or even notices that you're there.

Everyone doesn't have to be your buddy but there is something nice about casual conversation that I never experienced before. I recognize this as a tiny victory in what is sure to be many battles in the future on my journey to not being a shitty person.


Guess I can fill these shot glasses w/ icecream? :-P

I wanna share a quote that I found interesting "bordom between 2 people doesn't come from being together physically. It comes from being apart mentally and Spiritually" -Brenda Schaeffer

It's a fine line we dance... sometimes it takes a few whispers and a swift kick in the face w/ something before the message starts to sink in. Here's to the ongoing struggle , joys, wonderful things that life has to offer... to knowing our limits and improving each day.

drawing by mattahan

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Been keeping a Daily Journal

Not quite like this blog here (though most days I do chime in about something here). Just a general note of things of note that have happened during the day.

I haven't been going out, partially because I literally have nothing in my wallet, partially because I don't want to go to a place where everyone is drinking. I think that this would be slightly easier if I knew more sober folks but just about everyone I know drinks when they go out.

Granted I don't even go out with that many ppl. I've tried to branch out but most of those attempts fail. The person is busy doing their own thing or flakey and sometimes a combination of the two.

Perhaps when I get into some normal line of work or back in school I can expand my social group a bit more. I would really love to hang out with someone who can cook. I want to learn so bad but I've been putting it off since... well there's not stove here... can't really cook in a microwave right? lol! Folks into sci fi. More people who love star trek. I know of a  few but we don't talk as often as I like and I'm in no position to have a trekkie day. Comic book nerds! Most folks I know have a hard on for Japanese shit which is fine but I don't connect w/ 99% of it so often I'm sitting there twiddling my fingers as much of it is lost in translation and leaves a lot to be desired story wise. I care very little for flashy colors... it can be stick figures if the story is moving.

I've always wanted to have a lan party. I have no place to have one. Could always try the Internet cafes?  chances are that'd be out of everyone's money range though.

I wonder if there's a place to meet more folks into Neo Geo 16 bit crap. More folks who emulate? I know that zsnes used to have a server dedicated to it right... I wanna play original mario kart online lol!


Well knowing what we want is half of it. How does one get there? I guess first things first.... stability stability STABILITY... all else will fall into place at a later time. In a sense things have become routine. I get up work and then annoying females come in later and make noise until the day is done. Whether work yields money is up in the air though... I spend the rest of my time applying to shit and have breaks for food, napping, talking to loved ones.

I do believe it will happen. I wonder though if I'll really want it once it's here. I think constant new experiences are needed to sustain a bit of wonder, joy w/ life... I hope to travel in the future. I want to see fire, snow , lava, naked old ppl on a nude beach, I want to see it all

(rydia from ff4 by tsuku sama)

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