Time gets shorter...

... days seem to never have enough hours (or far too many depending on how said day is going) It's been a bit of time since I've made a real post so I thought I'd whip something up before I start my workout stuff and dissipation into the online void.

Nothing much has changed on the home front. While the future holds certain inevitabilities and uncertainties I'm excited to march forward in it's cataclysm of random and not so random events. It can be difficult to focus and make oneself work when under extreme emotional direst... Most of the time I'm pretty happy and focused on what I need to do and then there are those days that I couldn't be bothered to get out of bed or do much. I won't pretend that life is perfect, that I don't need mending... if it were or I were I wouldn't be human. I think realizing these flaws and even the attempt at making life better or at being a better person can do so much good. Though perfection can never be achieved per say I don't think the effort is a waste of time.

In the past I've wasted a lot of time focusing on what I don't have, what I cannot become and those who would laugh at my being hit by a semi-truck and dying on the side of the road. Focusing on those who bring positive energy can make one forget about those things that are lacking or make you better prepared to tackle those things.

For those who dislike me (as I'm sure you're following me more than those who adore me, dislike, hatred isn't too far from love... very potent stuff) I ask... why? How long? What good does this serve? What good does it serve to hate or keep feeding into a cancer? I don't give thought to anyone who isn't directly in my life until I physically see them or they're mentioned by another party and once that moment has passed so goes the thought.

I don't think anyone is "better" than another. That some are "good" fighting some ultimate "evil" force and we must pick sides to vanquish the ratchets of the world. I believe that people have falling outs for various reasons, usually not one sided at all and that time can deaden the blow of these wounds... b/c if there is any real anger then there is definitely some sort of scar tissue left behind. Sometimes people simply don't mesh well and would be better off only communicating on a casual level... some not at all. Often there are communication issues, projection of personal insecurities and the like that poisons relationships.

I'm guilty of being on both ends of the spectrum and I admit it's still difficult to pinpoint things as they happen. That some people may never get over their issue or talk to you about it to come to a happy medium. I'm OK with that.

I feel like things come and go as they need to. Cherish those who are awesome for the time allotted. Ya never know how much time you have. Life is short and tempers are too. Never be so open to attack but so closed that you're Rapunzel either... right?

If you're still reading this you either hate me very feverishly (which I'm quite flattered by your fiery passion but that energy could be better spent plotting revenge or planning a raid in WOW or something) or you have a great deal of love and warm and fuzzy happy feelings toward me (which I also appreciate and welcome with warm rainbow colored hugs and junk)

"You're so vain, you probably think this blog is about you" well if you think it is then it probably was if you're the one person I was thinking about which you in most cases you aren't. TROLOLOLOLOLOLAAA

I suppose this ends my rambling of random thoughts for today.

If you're here for potential shooting possibilities... I haven't set much up for the month since I was afraid of the jury duty monster soooooooooooooo if you'd like to shoot feel free to send me a good ol' fashioned Email. If you're interested in custom products of a sexy nature do click on the side bar for Extra Lunch Money! For Prints Click the Ebay Sidebar widget of FUN!!

I hope that you've all had happy firework time and great anime expo times as well!

^--- by snab photography

XOXO

Britney Siren

PS: If you have been trying to book me for out of town adventures... forgive my phone phobia... Yes I get anxiety over talking to new folks over the phone. I'm working on it I promises!!

Job Hunting isn't nearly as cool as

..... that big game hunting crap though I doubt I could ever kill an animal. I do love collecting those fancy trucker hats hahaha. I'm hopeful though, eventually somethings gotta give.

Sometimes I wonder how long I actually have to stay in any given place. I guess if or rather when I have to leave here if things aren't settled by then I can go apply for homeless vouchers again. I'd rather not though. I'd rather rent a room and sleep on the floor than sleep in a disgusting bug infested crack den... but those are my options at this point.

I don't feel sorry for myself though. I could have done things differently, all in all it's my job to take care of myself first. I've neglected this on too many occasions. It's not a matter of what has been done but what to do differently to avoid being in this whole situation again.

Mostly though I enjoy being in a real home w/ people around. Waking up to  snoring, peaceful face dreaming of blade running or something... wanting to crawl into those dreams. Bustling noises of folks leaving for work and the moments of silence. FUCKING WINDOWS! I always know when it's day or night now. It's never stuffy in here.

I know I can't be here forever... hopefully something good comes up (best bet is tomorrow that damn phone job comes through *fingers crossed*)

Guess I'm off to have breakfast, shower, applying to shit/getting to know the area a bit more... no more yoga for me today, think I broke my neck... so fucking sore lol

why this picture? Just cause it takes me to my happy place. by karuma9 click here for more of their work

End Transmission

A Halmark to Self

It's been roughly a month. I've discovered a lot about myself. Where my fears root from. A lot about what I will and won't accept. That boundaries sometimes need readjusting. That a disagreement or argument isn't negative in and of itself. Talking w/ those who have the proper tools will eventually yield a positive result.(even if it's a compromise of both parties wishes) Talking w/ those who are stuck in power games doesn't.

I feel like that silly facebook rant was the first time I truly back tracked into something I don't want to be a part of. Silly shit talking for the sake of it w/ no real focus on changing anything. Childish blame games. It appears to me that nothing was really gained from it except to avoid at all costs. I don't need the stress over trivial matters. Over people that I shouldn't even be hearing about anymore.

I've come to the following conclusion. As much as you may "like" a person and enjoy their good qualities one can't blindly go into things backing them up. Often times you will be left to the slaughter. Most people value their roles in whatever plays they play to avoid dealing with their real issues. I can't afford to care about those issues anymore for folks who just want to go back into the same patters. I've come far and have been content w/ the progress I've made in my love relationship... if friendships cannot keep up, I'll just find new friends.

I just know that I don't want anything to do w/ toxic people. Not even a loose association. Don't want to be tied in, don't want to hear about what's going on in their lives. Don't care, doesn't behoove me in the least bit.

So the tricky part is stepping way left field out of my comfort zone and branching out to new social circles. I think in a sense I've half ass done that. I'll just have to keep at it and not let little bumps in the road hinder my progress.

I might be overly analytical. I'd rather be this way than naive. Have a nigga mentality.... be content w/ sub par "friends" who drain my energy rather than bring me new life. My love does that for me, more often than not. There are a few others that I can see that potential in....

I wonder if this will be taken as a personal blow to some, I assure you it is not. This is just me on my personal journey to self improvement. To having the kind of life that I want. A certain amount of detachment for a time might be necessary for a time.

Either way the pendulum will swing where it wants. I'm not afraid of a loss of friendship for taking time out to deal w/ myself and for avoiding problems when I have very real problems of my own. I don't expect anyone to wait forever for me to "find" myself but I do know that those who really want a friendship will understand and not hate me for wanting to be my very best.

Other than that this is the last post I'll be making from this locale. No more cam whorin' para mi. I didn't enjoy it and it's good to end it before it begins to further eat away at me. It works for some but not for me.

Oh and much needed marvel vs capcom 3 time today!! Fuck fuckety yeah yeah!!! I've had random music from that game stuck in my head! Should this job thing pan out this week... I'm gonna have to get my baby a joystick (well I guess technically it's for me, well not technically he doesn't even use one lmfao) and I can buy blazblue FINALLY!!! I can improve my fighting spirit, my mark of wolves (speaking of snk games I still haven't played KOF XII, that's rather sad.) I apologize for the temporary nerd out. OH FUCK I COULD BUY COMIC BOOKS AGAIN!!

In all seriousness though those things aren't at the top of my priority list. I'll mostly be staying in, saving up for an apartment and car (as I've been doing and the saving is going ok for now).

There's a couple of events I want to attend. I do wanna find someone whose planning on ordering wrestlemania 27 and maybe chip in on it. I'd love to go to beyond wonderland (stupid trailer sold me, song made me all giddy and shit. I haven't been to any raves since 09 so it'll at least be fresh to me plus it's 18 and up so all that crap that freaked me out about raves (the minors) won't be present, thank goodness!!

I'm hopeful for the future. In fact I have a confidence in it that I've never had before. I know things will be ok because I will make them ok. I will adjust and I'm not totally alone on this. The potential for non alcoholic friends is high. Potential for still alcoholic friends but not bad influences in my life is looking good too. I won't stop going forth w/ open arms... but those arms aren't going to be open for those who don't want it/those who have proven to be more trouble than they're worth.

more of knytcrawlr's work can be found here

Your combo has ended this transmission.

All Good Things

I've been negative lately yes? (If I hear this voice message one more fucking time... I'm going to kill myself and everyone in a mile radius!) *ahem* Anyway before I go take a long walk to get breakfast cause  bla bla bla let me stop myself before I go to the nega-verse side going to write a list of the good things in life... so sit back and enjoy the sounds of my keys clickety clackety clack clacket

• relative good health: I got knee pains but at least I can still take a nice walk and not pass out and die. Thinking of getting some skates again when I have a bit of extra money (when the fuck do I have extra money lol). 
• I'm pretty-ish: Guess that's gotta count for something...this means I can cover myself in poop, mis matched clothing and black men will still try to "holla" "wat it do ma..." I don't know know, it kills children?
• Brains and shit: I'm smart enough to know how dumb I am and thus on a futile quest for knowledge/self improvement that most ppl don't start until they're late 50's Kudos to being ahead of the mediocre curve ;)
• Friends: I've got a few... I appreciate that you put up w/ me. I can be a bit much at times... paranoid weird, bitchy... I'd like to think it's an equal exchange of smiles, shoulders, honesty and trust... I don't expect that you will always be there... we all have choices, I'm thankful for those who've stayed in my life. 
• Love: in all it's stingy, painful free-est of forms. At your best you are wonderful and at your worst you are equally devastating. 
• Bacon: There need not be explanation... it's fucking bacon! I imagine the food of the gods tasted a lot like bacon!
• THE SUN: <3 <3 <3
• Neo Geo emulator: b/c Neo Geo is godly and makes an ok life a splendid life w/  ur 16 bits of gaming pleeeesure... ur opening screen, a twinkle that melted my heart... you knew that shit had finally started working. Thank you for Samurai Showdown IV, Twinkle Star Sprites, Aero Fighters II, Metal Slug and of course Magical Drop III... those random as hentai games of the 90's w/  lol gals panic... I will own a machine some day... YES I SHALL!
• Fake Hair
• Dr. Martin's
• Disney Land 
• Gene Roddenberry-so many great sci fi works
• Joss Whedon... I'm slowly becoming a fan :D
• Crayons
• Bad movies w/ good friends

Ok I can't contain my hunger any longer... I bid you farewell... hopefully today's job searching shall not suck ball-z-knees

(wicked doubt on deviant art) When do I get to do something like this? I WANT TO NOW!

End Transmission