There is no method to this madness

I do this I do that... I rather hate this "job". Granted I will probably hate any job I have where I have to work for anyone else; I will put up with it if I know that at the end of the day coming into work grants me a guaranteed x amount of dollars. This shit right now is frustrating as hell. One day is 20 bucks another 100... can't live like this. I'm looking forward to that job fair thing at 6 flags in a few weeks. Wondering if I could be kept on for longer than seasonal... like keep it as a regular job.

The park itself I haven't had much desire to go there. I don't like thrill rides. They make me very sick/nervous and give me chest pains. I am prone to panic attacks even on rides that I know aren't scary at all.... at some point I'll have to desensitize myself, well maybe it's not like I have to face weird rides in day to day life...

Well here's some good news- I have a shoot valentines day woot woot. That means money in my pocket that I won't be spending because money in my pocket is so few and far between that I'm afraid to buy food. Speaking of which... I should get something to eat.... food and star trek will make everything alright.

Painting by Pendalune

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All Good Things

I've been negative lately yes? (If I hear this voice message one more fucking time... I'm going to kill myself and everyone in a mile radius!) *ahem* Anyway before I go take a long walk to get breakfast cause  bla bla bla let me stop myself before I go to the nega-verse side going to write a list of the good things in life... so sit back and enjoy the sounds of my keys clickety clackety clack clacket

• relative good health: I got knee pains but at least I can still take a nice walk and not pass out and die. Thinking of getting some skates again when I have a bit of extra money (when the fuck do I have extra money lol). 
• I'm pretty-ish: Guess that's gotta count for something...this means I can cover myself in poop, mis matched clothing and black men will still try to "holla" "wat it do ma..." I don't know know, it kills children?
• Brains and shit: I'm smart enough to know how dumb I am and thus on a futile quest for knowledge/self improvement that most ppl don't start until they're late 50's Kudos to being ahead of the mediocre curve ;)
• Friends: I've got a few... I appreciate that you put up w/ me. I can be a bit much at times... paranoid weird, bitchy... I'd like to think it's an equal exchange of smiles, shoulders, honesty and trust... I don't expect that you will always be there... we all have choices, I'm thankful for those who've stayed in my life. 
• Love: in all it's stingy, painful free-est of forms. At your best you are wonderful and at your worst you are equally devastating. 
• Bacon: There need not be explanation... it's fucking bacon! I imagine the food of the gods tasted a lot like bacon!
• THE SUN: <3 <3 <3
• Neo Geo emulator: b/c Neo Geo is godly and makes an ok life a splendid life w/  ur 16 bits of gaming pleeeesure... ur opening screen, a twinkle that melted my heart... you knew that shit had finally started working. Thank you for Samurai Showdown IV, Twinkle Star Sprites, Aero Fighters II, Metal Slug and of course Magical Drop III... those random as hentai games of the 90's w/  lol gals panic... I will own a machine some day... YES I SHALL!
• Fake Hair
• Dr. Martin's
• Disney Land 
• Gene Roddenberry-so many great sci fi works
• Joss Whedon... I'm slowly becoming a fan :D
• Crayons
• Bad movies w/ good friends

Ok I can't contain my hunger any longer... I bid you farewell... hopefully today's job searching shall not suck ball-z-knees

(wicked doubt on deviant art) When do I get to do something like this? I WANT TO NOW!

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Considering taking up smoking pot as a hobby

As sad as that may sound. Ok maybe not an actual hobby but I have weighed the benefits and shear disadvantages I've noticed thus far.

Le Good stuffs!@#$

It does make one relaxed. Happier, silly, more comfortable and is excellent at dealing with menstrual cramps and the worst of migraines. Pretty much the best pain killer I've ever used. I do suffer from joint pain. It would probably help my insomnia. Most nights I don't get a full sleep though this could be that I'm not comfortable where I'm staying. When I'm in hotels or elsewhere I sleep perfectly fine. I have had police and random cam whore-ree-ons bust into my room w/out fucking knocking which always makes me a bit annoyed while here. There are no locks on the doors :-/  It'd help may appetite. I hardly feel like eating when I'm at home for some reason.

Le set backs!@#$

It makes me lazy. I'm already lazy when it comes to shit I'm not looking forward to. This would ultimately give me a "don't give a fuck" attitude. I'd want to eat more but there wouldn't be shit to eat anyway. I don't have no fucking money. I got a can full of corn w/ no can opener and some raisin bran... this is not good munchy food. Even if I did go out and buy a full months worth of food chances are some whore would eat my fucking food anyway. Recreation wise... it'd only work for hanging out watching movies, really dumb movies... I'd hate to watch some of my favorites high. I doubt the emotional impact would be there. Dancing (one of my fav things to do badly) would be out of the question. I've tried this a few times and I've always felt like meh and noticed even more of what ppl were doing around me. In that case I would've fared better not smoking/eating weird shit at all. There's a good chance that what little wit I've retained from angsty teen years would be swallowed up. I'm not sure if I would be saddened at that point, guess I wouldn't care cause I'd be too dumb to realize how dumb I've become. Even so... at this point this would disappoint me.

(ugh someone just got downstairs... I really hate high pitched voices :-/   )

I guess it's about that time I start to prepare for my star trekkie day... My continuing mission to round up the masses to watch star trek w/ me... go to conventions (I've never been to one and I sooooo wanna go). Not move much and enjoy my day away from this synthetic brothel.... though it's rather nice at the moment (save that one high pitched annoying voice from downstairs. I wish the walls weren't so thin). Get give some love to my Neo Geo emulator... I haven't played twinkle star sprites in weeks... so fucking fun!! *nerdgasm*

(I still can't pass area 2 in mario paint after all these years... fucking weak sauce)

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Only you can prevent the pitty parade... (pon farr/nerdgasm/don't open at work)

Only you can save yourself, but others help set positive thoughts in motion. Today has been hopeful/half way productive. I did lots of launder (for some reason I've only been washing clothes once a month... wtf s wrong with me... fucking lazy fuck.) 

I officially have no tennis shoes. That's fun info right? Well good thing I rarely walk/don't play dancing games anymore or else my feet would be bare and covered in fungai (note to self buy anti-fungals just incase... always good to have around).


I'm seeing the beauty and positive things I have going for me. I know that I also mustn't stop myself because one window has closed itself. It's a big bold world out there. I have friends who love me, a wonderful penis and the internets boundless potental of pornography. I'm physically capable... mentally capable... I'm not too bad on the opitcle recepters....

I just need more confidence to take more risks... well healthy risks. 


Also going to see my favorite female in the whole blue planet. I miss her! I look forward to a true museum experience (I haven't really been to one since elementary school. As a lover of art that is an aweful shame!)

I close with a dream come true of all dreams.... the happiest vision of this present year and perhaps all years future and past.....

 teehee PON FARR PON FARR (ps: Would really appreciate this classy film work for my birthday)


yeah I went to the damn site


http://www.thisaintstartrek.com/home.php


I'm a sad individual...


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