More and More Interactions Lately

For an introvert this has been an interesting experience. I've been catching the strange things that I do sometimes more and more. I wonder if I'll get to a point to where I don't have to tell myself to speak louder when addressing people. Not sure when I got this habit of having such a soft voice... thinking.... Perhaps I just never wanted to be considered rude so I began to talk softer and softer until it was well too soft lol.

Went to the mall yesterday. Normally this would be difficult during busy hours. I generally don't like large crowds especially by myself. I would assume any look I got was probably a negative one (projections ). I'm learning to tell the difference now. I can honestly say I didn't get one evil look the entire time I was there. Got some free tokens and to watch families interacting.

I'm a bit of an avid people watcher. Guess isolating oneself from people can make even a simple talk about what to name this stuffed unicorn dad just won for their child interesting. Maybe it's deeper than that. Most human interactions are new to me... there's a lot of things I probably won't understand as some things are to be experienced. I'll never get father daughter relationships, probably not even mother daughter or most sibling interactions. Not to say that I didn't have some good one's but the way healthy families interact, home being... home in definition, still trying to gather what that really means.

I've moved at least 15 times in the past 9 years. I get why but it's gonna take some effort and long hard planning, thinking to avoid times 17- infinity. It amazes me that there's folks who are far older than I am who can still go home and ask for help. That thought has only crossed my mind when every possible thing has been exhausted and even then I'd probably opt to get homeless vouchers. Sleep in bugs but at least I don't have to worry about being attacked, yelled at or having my things stolen.

The sad thing in seeing new life running about. How beautiful it can be to have children but knowing that  in my heart of hearts there's too much going on w/ myself to be self less enough to deal w/ that. Superficial reasons aside, it's a fucked up world out there and I have issues taking care of myself 90% of the time, bringing another person in would be devastating. Who would want to bare that responsibility w/ me? What do I do when sickness arises? Would rather not have to explain work related things to a child who stumbles upon something, especially a boy, god that would be quite upsetting and embarrassing.

Guess there's always dogs. Perpetually child like w/ unwavering love and loyalty. Can't say that exists in any human being and for good reason too. Though I wonder how much more fulfilling it'd be to get love from a wolf... ok enough tangents for my brain today.

Job interview thing (cross fingers for this shit) Pick up my check? Uh... yoga? Shower :D FOOD!!

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End Transmission

I understand why people have children now

My god they can be so cute, sometimes. Not only that, but there's something so precious, innocent... inhibiting and beautiful about children. There is no malice, ill intent, no contradictions. Watching well adjusted children is a different experience from those who are neglected and thus have learned to act out to get the attention they want/need. I feel sad for those children. They have the hardest road ahead as all of this will lead to relationship problems in the future.

I think this whole epiphany has brought me back to a previous dream, wanted career goal. I've always wanted to do something that would be helpful to either animals (preferably dogs...) or children. As much as I've said I can't stand kids... that's not true. I just don't like to deal w/ the one's who aren't properly disciplined (this can be overly disciplined or under... both cases come out with the same results.) Mostly I feel like it can be an awkward situation. I don't want to do that job and I have no right to either. At the same time I don't put up w/ disrespect from adults, shouldn't have to suck it up for a half pint either... hence I get a bit torn sometimes.

If I were to pursue my goal of youth psychology... aside from lots of schooling needed, it'd be quite the test mentally, emotionally and well socially for me. I would have to get over some things. I'd have to vastly improve my people skills. I'm aware of my awkwardness... some of the time at least. I've caught myself a few times lately, wanting to revert back into a turtle shell and going... "no" you fucking say something damn it, you want to, spit it out! lol Sometimes a laugh or two is given, sometimes not so much but no one dies so it's really not so painful.

I'm proud of being around a table full of free alcohol and a house full of people and not feeling the least bit uncomfortable. Proud of actually winning in a fighting game for a change. (Think I'll be changing my team in MVC3 to, x-23, morrigan, wolverine <3 ... I do like Deadpool still but, I'm enjoying wolverine a bit more... plus I like the idea of x-23 and wolverine adventuring together and shit... lol I know fucking nerd). I really fucking want an arcade stick now though! I don't think I can go back to playing on a controller... like walking w/ a sprained ankle... on a 360 controller it's like having a broken leg lol. I also downloaded some new rom files (puzzloop2 samurai showdown IV... I think I'm going to get kof 98 next when I get a chance.) I searched for a while for Betrayl at Krondor (old PC RPG that amused me when I was younger) I couldn't find it but I think they sell it for about 7 bucks on the net... I could just buy the damned thing lol.

Many job type things to check on this week.... I'm feeling very optimistic, albeit happy... I don't think I would've seen myself "happy" last summer. Perhaps events started to take place that caused a change that's just now starting to surface?

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